


505

by texs_sins



Category: Detroit Evolution - Fandom, Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Humor, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Asexual Character, Asexuality Spectrum, Demisexuality, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:49:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 99,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25832329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/texs_sins/pseuds/texs_sins
Summary: 505: The thing which is simultaneously keeping you alive and killing you, often used to describe a person who you're in love with (but who may be bad for you).Gavin Reed has wished since he was a child, to be a machine. The reason why is: he's not like any other human. Having dreams as an omen of tragedy. He'll try to push everyone away to be safe, but then an actual machine appears, and he seems to not understand that.
Relationships: Connor/Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed, Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Comments: 16
Kudos: 66





	1. Meant to be human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I edited some of the tags since they were incorrect! this fic is not based on RPF, so please don't come here for that! Thank you uwu

Humans are fragile machines. Functioning as best as they can, knowing as much as they can, and lasting as long as the universe lets them to. When I was a kid, I knew something was up with the universe and its logic. It didn’t make any sense to me “Why does it has to be this way?” “why does everything have to end?” _So tragic,_ so _dark._ It didn’t give me a chance to open my eyes.

Being born in a fucked-up family with so little warmth and affection, I knew I was off to a rough start, but it didn’t stop me. Having my mom’s boyfriends going in and out wasn’t a big deal, _I was fine with that as much as they were fine with me minding my own business._ I’ve never been the most affectionate child, I’ll admit it, but I wasn’t mean to anyone and I thought that was enough.

I never saw the point of _trying to bond_ with anyone for anything _,_ it was too painful to fear… what they were going to do next. Just like that, alone, I continued living. Seeing the happiness in everyone’s faces was enough. Even if celebrating the smallest achievement was kind of dumb for me it was the only thing that keep me from falling in a void. Adopting a cat or two for example, seeing children playing outside from my bedroom, and mom drinking with the same dead tired expression… I needed that. I needed to feel alive somehow.

It didn’t get any easier. 

“Mom, Holly is feeling… down” I said, petting the little munchkin cat who rested in my arms. “I feel like she’s going to sleep, Mom”

“Let her,” she said, not paying attention to me, focusing on some random program on T.V that I didn’t know the name of. “Just let the fucking cat sleep Gavin”

“It’s not that…” I mumbled. “Uh…” I took Holly to my bedroom and left her in my bed, closed the door as quiet as I could, and ran back to her. “I’m sorry Holly”

I saw, in silence, how her little body started to fall asleep, and her breath started to slowly fade out. “It’s fine Holly, she loves you too” I said, taking the blanket and hugging her, as gently as I could so I wouldn’t hurt her. “It’s fine… she couldn’t know…” But human interaction, or interaction in general has never been my forte. “Holly, you can sleep, it’s fine” I gave her a last kiss and saw how her little body stopped moving. “It’s… fine…” And burst into tears. “Come on…” My head fall onto my bed, hugging the little cat who was now… asleep.

I knew it was going to stop moving, that’s why I try to not bond. I knew it was going to be like this, but it’s just so hard to not try saving them. Maybe if I wasn’t so god damn dumb I would’ve know that if I _did_ try and save her I would end up in pain again. But just like that… life is tragedy. Waking up to grab your coffee not knowing your car is going to explode.

_But I do._

Going to work and saying good morning to your coworkers without knowing one of them was going to get shot.

_But I do. And always have known._

Since the day I was born life was just tragedy. Since the day I noticed dreams weren’t just dreams I couldn’t sleep anymore. I didn’t want to. How could I? If I knew the next morning my mom was going to do some stupid shit I tried not to wake up. “How come my life has to be this miserable?” asked my 5-year-old mind. I wasn’t meant to be alive. I wasn’t meant to be human.

“If I was just a T.V I would be fine” I said one day at the kitchen, staring at my mom who was sleeping, drooling over the sofa. “If I was _a machine_ … I would be alright, I- “Close my eyes and breath in. “Wouldn’t _feel anything”_ breath out. 

I left the depressing kid in the past and I realize that… if life was without meaning and that made it boring and tragic as well… I decided I just needed to break everything around me so I wouldn’t know anything anymore. _I needed to feel alive,_ I craved joy and expectations, I didn’t have anything, I couldn’t _feel anything._

So, I packed my shit and ran away from home when I was just a teenager. I had a dream the day before about what I was going to see, mom screaming and cursing, even the T.V was broken _. I couldn’t take it anymore; I wouldn’t take it._ Nowhere to go, no one to find, but I was happy for the first time in 16 years, because there I was, alone, and just alone. I didn’t have tragic and sad dreams anymore, because I was alone, I didn’t give a shit about anyone anymore. So, I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and I feared no evil because I was aware of him, I knew him like a lover, and death wasn’t a villain, it was more like an old friend. If I couldn’t catch anyone, then death wouldn’t catch me.

“Gavin _man,_ what are you up to?” In the valley I met some random guys, some dipshits who didn’t know anything about life but were philosophizing about money, life, capitalism, drugs, and spiritual shit. “Trying to get some sleep, get away dipshit” They didn’t care about each other and I didn’t care about them, I was fine with that though. Not having dreams was an experience I could portray in a painting, and it would be the most beautiful painting in the universe.

I try to see a pattern in them, not knowing why I had dreams or not knowing why I didn’t have them, I figured once I could draw the pattern then I could _avoid it,_ but I was lost. “A fucking teenager who _could see_ the future, what was that for God?” Seeing the blue sky, smoking and starving, breaking into an abandoned warehouse and resting in the roof, that was a nice place to talk with _God_. “Why not helping me win the lottery or something…” I mumbled throwing the cigarette through the roof and hearing a man’s voice say “What the _fuck?”_

“God dammit”

And that’s when I met William, a grey eyed runaway whose hair was as red as the sun. “Throwing cigarettes into stranger’s faces is your hobby _douche bag_?” “Damn so nasty?” 

He put the cigarette in my hair and sit down next to me. “You lost kiddo?” Once again, I threw the cigarette and glanced over to see his face.

And that’s when it hit me. _You are pretty, what the fuck-_

“Not lost, just alone” He smiled and laughed a little. “You look young” “I’m 16…” I mumbled trying to look him in the eye, I’ve never saw someone with eyes _that…clear._ It was like he could look right into my soul, it made feel intimidated _._ “ _Pf…”_ I heard, waking me up from myself, dragging me to reality. “How old are you?” Shrugging and giving me a look so condescend it made me want to punch him in the face, he responded “I’m 17” “ _You are so old big papa”_ It managed to make me laugh and break the spell somehow. “Shut up”

We started hanging out sometimes on the roof of that abandoned warehouse, I still couldn’t look him in the eye a lot, but I was able to talk to him easily. It made me feel _safe,_ somehow it reminded me of what it feels to be at home. I knew that if I had a bad day because I didn’t have any money and I was starving; I could go to that roof and meet him. I could talk to him and he would listen. It was the same for him, at least that’s why I wanted to believe.

Slowly but surely, the dreams started to come back, fuzzy, but I started to see the future _again._

One day I dreamt about him and I breaking into a house and grabbing some food, then we ran as fast as possible and hide in the backyard of somebody’s house. I felt good, _I felt so alive._ I wanted to wake up and do it, I felt like I could do anything with him, as long as the dreams were like this, I started to feel like God maybe did gave me a _blessing_.

When I notice an increase in the clarity of the dreams, I started to get worried. The more I spent time with him, the more I could see, the more I could feel. It was overwhelming I didn’t know if that was a good thing or maybe an omen of tragedy again.

I didn’t want to stop, I wanted to keep spending time with him, and this blessing or curse wasn’t going to stop me again. I stood, firmly, by his side, and fought dreams with my bare hands. If it was a blessing or a curse didn’t matter. In the end, all I wanted was _him._

“Say, William” I said. “Do you have like… uh- “

He glanced over, remaining quiet. “You know…” “What?” He whispers, laying down the roof again, meanwhile my hands started to shake a little. _Wow, what is going on? -_ “Never mind” “Girlfriend?” He spit out, too fast I didn’t even have time to react. “No, I don’t” “That’s weird” I said, staring at the sky. “I thought maybe you did” “Well, I used to” He said, sighing. “But it didn’t work out, I wasn’t into her as much as she was, guess it was just a matter of time” “What was?” “You know… figuring out what I was and stuff…” “What do you…” And it hit me.

Like a storm, it interrupted the silence and calm the valley used to have. Something about the sun melting my eyes left me blind, and all of sudden I didn’t care anymore. “You know… I like guys Gavin” _I wasn’t mean to be human._ “I… like guys too… I think” _But god, I wanted to be one so bad._ “Really?”

It drags me from the silence and peace the valley offered me, look me in the eyes and whispers. “I knew you like me” “Did you?” The storm became a beautiful sunny day, everything was where it had to be, and I feel like even _I was_ where I was mean to be. “I think so…” And just like that, I let the sun melt me away.

Since that day on, there wasn’t a day where I didn’t laugh. No longer hunger nor loneliness, it was warm and nice. There were days where we spent hours looking at the sky and talking about dreams, we had and would like to pursue. William wanted to be a musician; he was in love with music overall. He liked singing while we walked in the streets at 2 am, and told me about the power of hearing _your heart through music,_ and about how therapeutic it was for the soul.

“You sound like a drug addict who thinks drugs make him open his third eye” “Shut up”

It was just a matter of time, and I knew it. I was too blind to see… no. I was too happy to even try and see. if I wasn’t mean to be human, being _one felt so good,_ I wanted a chance to be. The days were brighter and brighter, how could I not?

“Gavin? What’s wrong?” I wanted to protect him; I didn’t know how. “I have to tell you something…” I wanted to stay away from him, so I didn’t see anything. “W-what is it?” But anything I did worked. “Promise me… you will believe me” “Why wouldn’t I?”

_But there wasn’t anything I could do._

“when I was… 5 years old I had a dream” he looked me right into my eyes, concerned about my painful expression, I couldn’t help it. “My mom… she was yelling and cursing, I could see her tears wetting my face, she was trying to kill me” _I couldn’t help feeling human when I was with him._ “She was trying to strangle me, and…” I wish I didn’t. “The next morning it…”

“It happened…?” I nodded, bursting into tears. “Gavin? Can you…?” “You have to stay here” I managed to say, trying to clear my sight, trying not to crumble. “You have to… stay here and don’t go anywhere William” “Gavin!” He grabbed both my shoulders and try to calm me down. “Gavin, for how long have you been able to see… this kind of things?” “Since… forever”

Loving someone was even more painful than I imagine. “Why? W-what?” I couldn’t look him in the eye. “You’ll die” I couldn’t see him. “H-how?” I couldn’t protect him. “Someone is going to stab-“

I couldn’t do anything.

“Stab me?” And _I knew it._ “You have to stay here… please” Even if I grab him with all my might, even if I decided to never let him go… “I will but… would it… change anything?” _I couldn’t do anything._

And when my eyes were finally clear, I realize what I feared the most. This was no blessing, instead it was a curse. Once I saw death, like an old friend, she stayed. Decided to stick around until it was her time to go. She wasn’t going anywhere. And even though William didn’t go anywhere, Death got to him first.

_I knew it, and tried to save him._

“William?” _I knew it._ “William!” _Loving someone was going to kill me._ “William! No! Please!”

God laughed at my face, he knew I was miserable and didn’t care. “Why?!” The taste of blood in my throat due to my voice trying to sneak out my soul, with so much force it made my heart hurt. So loud God would hear it.

“ _Please! Don’t!”_

The money was gone and our food was too. The warehouse was broken into and they came for us. With so little energy William touched my face and smiled. “Don’t let this… define anything” “W-what?” The sky welcomed the dusk, and all the colors disappeared. His eyes, as clear as they were, lost all the color they could’ve had. “I love you” And with that, the sun vanished and my old friend said goodbye.


	2. Novocain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the death of William, Gavin gives new meaning to his dreams, and in the journey of enduring the impossible, he encounters a light.

I tried to keep myself from burning, but I got closer to the sun. Every second of it, every detail that I could see… it was beautiful. Without reflection I didn’t notice the burns on my face. As if I was sedated, I thought everything was alright. Counting sheep made me felt better, until there was nothing to dream about. Even if there was something, it was empty.

After what happened something appeared in my head, it was numbness, everything was asleep. “Don’t let this define anything” I mumbled, looking at the sky resting my head on a wall, thinking about that night. “There’s nothing to define to begin with” Exhausted, I decided to finally fall asleep.

It didn’t matter where I’d go, every path that I took would be damned one way or another. If I wanted to protect people and myself, _I needed to stop moving._

I lay down right next to a dumpster and despite the terrible odor I managed to close my eyes. “I quit” And letting the cold of the night embrace me like its son, I closed my eyes.

It started to snow yesterday and today children were already playing outside. Envying the joy in their faces, I kept that image in my head. _Being free and naïve._ I wanted to feel that one more time… being a child again with no worries, with no stress.

“Who’s that?” I heard in the distance. “Some homeless man… what else could it be?” I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t have anything, money nor food, I got nothing. I wasn’t scared of life, and death, I knew these people were just passing by and that’s it.

_And that was about it._

Hours passed and, like the nurturing mother night was, a snow blanket was covering me from the dark. When my heart started to make an echo in my head, I realized I was, _finally_ , dying. Yesterday I made a plan about going to a shelter and staying there. I needed to felt warm and eat something. I knew that if I were to do anything, it would surely be that. But I was tired. I was so tired of _trying._

Maybe I just had to accept the fact that I wasn’t meant to be alive, nor to be human. I had to accept that my mother didn’t give a shit about me and didn’t looked for me when I ran away. I had to accept that everything I loved would die eventually so I couldn’t bother to care. I had to accept that I _couldn’t do anything for anyone._ Including me. 

I needed to die. If God wanted to laugh at my face, I would let him. I was exhausted of trying to protect me from hurting.

_But then I saw a light._

“Who is it?” If it was God, I would have known, if it was death, she would have told me. “I think it’s… a man?” Walking, slowly, I manage to notice the dark-haired figure in front of me. “He looks older than 20 at least” _That's what living on the streets does, I think_. “Should we call an ambulance?” Are they serious? Do I look almost dead? “Do you think he has health insurance?” “I don’t… think so…”

_Don’t bother._

“Hey… kiddo” Don’t bother. “Wake up… are you alright?” Please just leave me alone. “Hello? Is he breathing Tina?” **_Stop._**

“Leave me alone” I mumbled. “He’s alive!” I heard a female voice say cheerfully, _it pissed me off_. “Sadly” I said, putting myself into one piece and sitting down, staring at the girl whose name was Tina. “What do you want?” She looked at me, smiling. “You look very tired” She said, as I sighed. “Then why the fuck did you wake me up?” The man, who appeared to be older than her, looked at me and with a calm voice and said “You need help, don’t fight back” And the fact that he looked like he _knew_ I needed help pissed me off. “What kind of help…?” But the fact that _he didn’t care_ that it pissed me off was kind of refreshing. “You look like you’ve been starving to death lately, haven’t you?”

It was as if God was really trying to mess with me. “I couldn’t sleep for the past couple of days, and I was starting to feel dizzy and sick, so yeah, I’ve been starving to _die”_ Tina let out a little gasp and knee down to look at me in the face. “Don’t- Don’t you have… somewhere to go? Anyone to-?” “It’s obvious he doesn’t Tina” The man said, interrupting her and looking at me. “And you don’t have to explain anything right now, but It’s not part of my job to let people just… die”

 _Familiar,_ the expression on his face was reassuring. As if he was seeing his son. “I don’t need pity sir” But I was not the familiar of anyone. “I don’t have enough pity to give it to you” “I see”

I guess I’ll take it then.

Without further ado I stood up and followed the man and the woman who came looking for me. _Fuck it, if I have food that’s alright._ I wasn’t looking to get adopted or be a family friend, I had to give God a lesson. _I decide when I die and when I don’t._

At least that’s all I can have.

“How old are you?” I heard the female voice again. I looked at her and she was lending me her scarf. “I’m 16…” I responded, slowly shaking my head. “I’m fine, don’t worry” “Yeah I figured” Said the man. “Your voice speaks for itself, ironically” Confused and not knowing if I should be pissed off, I asked. “What?”

But he didn’t reply.

When we arrived, I noticed books about biology and medical stuff, and lots and lots of diplomas on the walls. “You a doctor?” I said, looking around the room. “I’m a neurosurgeon” I heard from the man. “And she’s training in the police academy” I looked at Tina, the Asian girl from before. “Are you a tough girl?” “More like I like kicking the ass of those who try playing tough” “Eh…” _That’s awesome._ I thought.

The man opened a door and I found the kitchen. “Go and have a bath, then come eat” He told me, and I nodded. “Alright” _Whatever._

I went with Tina, who shown me where the shower was. “Say, Tina” She looked at me. “Am I going to be murdered?” “What?” She asked laughing. “Why?”

_Was I the only one who wasn’t suspicious of a neurosurgeon who brings homeless young men into his house?_

“You like picking up homeless people to your house?” She laughed, again, but responded. “My dad has always been this way, he pays the resources of many shelters, so… no” 

She suddenly left and I thought that was it, so I proceeded to take out my clothes. “You’re not going to be…” The door was open and my penis was in the air.

“I’m so glad I’m a lesbian” She said, throwing me a towel and some clothes. With her bright red face, she yelled. “T-take… cut your crap and _Jesus… made it look better!”_ And without stabbing me, she thrown scissors at me.

“I mean… I’m homeless, what do you expect? So… mean”

The water was really hot, it almost burned me. “God- fuck…” “Language!” I heard from outside, the voice of Tina. “Sorry…” _Was she waiting for me outside?_ “I’ll totally will be murdered tonight” I let out weakly, cornered in the shower trying to put my arm inside the water without getting burned.

 _And I went along with it_ , for some unknow reason.

When I got out the shower I went to the kitchen and saw the man cooking something whose smell was very unique, but it was alright. “Did you learn how to cook kid?” He asked when he noticed me. “A little” I mumbled, walking and standing by his side, glancing over the food that was being cooked. “Then come and learn” He said, handing me a black apron. “What’s your name?” He asked while I grabbed the apron. “Gavin…” “You have a last name I assume” “Reed…”

I _felt threatened._

“Then, Gavin, would you mind peeling the potatoes for me?”

For some reason, the loneliness was so _absurd_ it took me by surprise interact with another person.

“I guess I can do that…” I said, looking at the potatoes he had previously washed and left on the dishwasher.

Maybe it wasn’t the interaction.

“Can I know your name?”

But more like the _intentions._

“Ethan” He said smiling. “And my daughter is Tina” “Yes, I noticed”

When I started to peel the potatoes, he grabbed my hand and immediately gave me a concerned expression. “Wait a second, don’t you know how to peel potatoes?”

The realization of me being a 16-year-old runaway hit me.

“I- I guess I don’t…” Was I in a circus? Was this another way for God to rub his ass on my face and remind me I was a useless human?

_It must be, what was I thinking anyway?_

“Look, you don’t have to do it with a big knife like this one… it’s easier if you use the peeler or a small knife”

_Why did I come here in the first place? What am I doing here?_

“Ah- yes…”

_Did I say I wanted to protect me?_

“I’m sorry I don’t know…”

_I don’t know how to do anything._

“Gavin?”

_I don’t know how to be human._

“Ga-?! Tina!”

And I passed out.

The feeling of being alone was surely enough for me in the beginning. When William came into my life everything changed, I felt alive, and there wasn’t a day where I didn’t think that seeing the future was a blessing. Seeing the happiness, I was going to live the next day, feeling warm and safe… I couldn’t experience that again. I refused to experience this kind of feeling again. _Was I going to be abandoned again? Is tragedy haunting every house that I managed to build?_

_I refuse to let it haunt me again._

“I got nothing…” I heard myself saying. “No money…” What was happening? Was I dying? Where am I? As if time didn’t exist, I reached out to a bright light who was capturing my attention.

I saw a young man laying down on a white surface, and I wondered if he needed help. Where his silhouette ended, a bright red color painted the white. I could see his hands shaking intensely and his anxious breathing slowing down. I realize that he, actually, needed help, and I wanted to help him. But the more I tried to get closer, the more I felt a force grabbing me by the shoulders and taking me back.

 _Is he going to die?_ I can’t leave him there. I tried to fight the force and eventually free myself from it, or so I thought. When it was time to help the man, something in head… shut down. I wasn’t able to get close enough for me to check any of his wounds. I wasn’t able to help him, but deeply inside my heart… I think I knew…

_He would die anyway._

“Gavin, it’s okay…” I heard a male’s voice. “You awake?” And I didn’t know what was happening, where was the young man? “Yes…” I saw a light pointing right into my face and I realize I was still in Ethan’s house. “Ethan?” He was wearing a full blue suit, must be medical. The room was one I haven’t seen before, and all the lights grabbed my attention, but I couldn’t stand up, I felt numb from head to toes. “You’re sedated, don’t panic Gavin” “What… what did you to me?” I whispered, feeling so weak I really couldn’t move much. “I had to give you a lot of vitamins and basically kept you alive for days” _Days?_ “I also managed to fix some broken teeth you had; I assume in a fight but who knows” _I passed out for days?_ “Teeth? What do you mean broken teeth?” He sat down next to me and smiled. “You know, teeth can actually break if you hit them too hard” “I know that…” I let out, sighing. “I just didn’t know I had one broken tooth” He laughed and sigh on relief. “What are you so happy for?” “You woke up, I’m fascinated by how strong your body is” He said, with a large and wide smile. “You probably starve for more than 3 days, and your body was so beat up I couldn’t understand how your bones weren’t all broken” “Me neither sir” I said. “I really don’t know why I’m alive”

Silence. He saw me as if he knew what was going to happened, and didn’t say anything. Was he looking for an answer? Or was he just happy I was… alive?

“You left yourself to die that night” He said. “Right?” I looked away. “Gavin, you’re so young to left yourself to die” I was so sedated I couldn’t scream at his face, my whole body felt weak. “I wish I could know what happened to you so… maybe I could help you”

_What does he know anyway?_

“You already helped me, that’s enough” I managed to say. “I don’t need you to save me, I’ll be fine once I can get out of this” “Of what?” He asked. “This house? And what are you going to do?” And I closed my eyes, trying to breathe. “Are you going to break into houses and steal food? Money? Are you going to start murdering people so you can survive? Or are you just giving up?” _That’s what I was trying to do this whole time._ “Giving up it’s not a wise option for someone who can survive this much shit, Gavin Reed”

When he finished talking, he refused to looked away. He was there, sitting down, looking at me as if I was being haunted. “It’s not giving up; it’s trying to be free” _I felt like a prey_. “You wouldn’t understand even If I try to explain it, you’re not the same as I am” “We’re all human as some extent” He put his hand on my shoulder, as gently as he could, so he wouldn’t hurt me. “And you have the face of a human who’s in pain” _Maybe instead of a prey…_ “And that’s about it” _I was just being rescued._ “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you, and don’t give me shit if you think I’m crazy, alright?”

Here goes nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Have a nice day :D


	3. Settle for a ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get used to see him opening doors with hesitation, it's not going to change any time soon.

Like I thought, being honest was more difficult than trying to avoid human interaction. Loneliness isn’t for the weak of heart, so I tried building stronger walls around me. Nobody would dare trying to pass through them. Nobody would, right?

I guess _I was wrong_.

“Ok, Gavin” So fucking _wrong_. “What do you want to do with it?” Not knowing if that was a blessing or a curse, I decided to trust my guts. “About the dreams?” If I cared enough, I would try to open the door. “Yes” If I didn’t, I wouldn’t. “You believe me after all” _It’s simple._

“You just described a lot of events in your whole life, you wouldn’t lie to me” He said. “Why would you? One of the reasons why you warned me about you being _crazy,_ is because you were scared that I wouldn’t believe you” I nodded. “Then I do”

Maybe this man… this man I could trust.

“I want to stop them” I said. “I need to know why I have them, and then… stop them completely” He looked at me, with a very interesting look in his eyes. “Do you really want to stop them?” He asked, looking at my bruise arm, bandaged. “Or are you just too afraid of seeing something you don’t want to see?” His eyes were _dangerous_. “Of course not, it’s more like…” This man was suddenly _dangerously_ close to my thoughts. “Like what, Gavin?” I glanced over and then looked away. I knew I was being an idiot, but my pride wouldn’t let me open my heart even more.

“I told you everything, this isn’t related to what I want to do with the dreams, right?” He sighed. “If you say so, but I don’t believe that’s what you really want” Ethan stood up and went right into a dark wood door. “Where are you going?” I asked, he looked back at me and said. “I need to write a lot of things down so I can help you, go back to sleep Gavin” He opened the door and right before he went in, I manage to yell as loud as I could. “I want to eat!” But he didn’t stop and closed the door. “Etha- that fucker”

 _Did I trust the wrong person?_ How should I know?

He kept me in that bed, for 2 hours. In the meantime, I inspected the whole room. I could see the human body in all his different forms. Skeleton, nerves, everything. “Disturbing…” And I also could see a hundred… no, a thousand books. Lots of connections and blue triangle made of crystal resting in the furniture.

“There’s a lot of doors here” How _big_ was this house anyway? Did I see it right? Or was I in too much pain and didn’t see shit?

Every door looked the same but had different numbers. “RT200” I whispered what I thought was in one of the doors. “Am I in some villain cave?” The second door, one a little bit darker than the others (probably because it was older) had the number “RT100”. “What are you doing mister Ethan?” It was a pattern of some medical stuff, I believed, but didn’t care enough in that moment, I wanted to get some food and eat.

“Ethan!” I yelled, with a little bit more energy this time. “God dammit, Tina! Ethan! I want to eat…” Suddenly I felt weak. “I want to… eat…” My eyes were so heavy I thought I was dying, or falling sleep without my consent. “What- what the fuck…?”

_Did I trust the wrong people again?_

I found myself in the snow again. The sun was placed in the sky and my heart, for some reason, felt at peace. “Was I abandoned again?” I mumbled. “Or did I-“

“Gavin?” Maybe not abandoned, but probably left for the slaughter _._ “W-William?” Even then, it was complicated to not _want to die_ here. With him, lying on the roof, smiling at me with those beautiful clear eyes. “ _Jesus Christ,_ where the hell… where were you? I was worried sick” I started walking, oblivious of the _obvious._ “Did you know that we have enough money for that blanket we saw the other day? I totally forgot” _Please God._ “You want to go buy it?” _Please don’t do this to me._ “Or we could buy some good food this time”

_Please God, don’t take him away from me._

When I was close enough to wrap him in my arms, I _didn’t let him go._ I hugged him, so hard. I wanted to protect him, I _needed him by my side._ “Oh… okay? Cuddling time then?” I didn’t care what are the odds of this, I didn’t give a shit. “Don’t go” I just wanted to stay there.

“Are you alright?” I found myself crying on his shoulder. “Gavin…?” I had to let all of this go. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you” I had to be honest with myself. “I’m sorry I was too weak… I couldn’t protect you” If I lied the damage would be worse. “I love you…” _But why is this happening again, God?_ “I love you, please forgive me…” _Why is the world so cruel to me?_ “I love you… I love you”

I wish I wasn’t human.

“Gavin” I heard a noise. “Is he alive?” I heard another noise. “Is he breathing?” _No._ “…health insurance?” _Stop._ “...think so…” 

I tried to look at his face but he wasn’t there anymore. Suddenly, the world collapsed, and with a heavy heart… I stood there watching it crumble around me. Snow started falling above me, and my shoulders were all covered with the bright white color. Lights started to dazzle me so I put my hands right in front of me. But there was no sun, no cars, there was nothing. I didn’t know where the lights came from but I wanted them to stop.

“Gavin” I know I was being irrational, but I refused to admit that was my life now. “ _Just let the fucking cat sleep Gavin”_

 _Was I really just a spark for chaos?_ Did anything that I do mattered anyway? Even if I tried to avoid feeling something, I couldn’t scape tragedy. It was there, to stop me from moving on.

In the distance I heard a voice. _“Don’t let this define anything”_

And I couldn’t take it anymore.

 _“STOP!”_ I yelled, finally waking up in a dark room, with blue lights all over me, lots of wires in my head and something being injected into my arm. “W-What? What the hell is going on?” I said while jumping off the bed, falling miserably into the floor, pulling off everything inserted in my arm. “Gavin! Calm down!” “ _What did you do to me you bastard?!_ ”

I was too weak, _but too fucking **mad**_. I couldn’t control myself.

I finally stood up. “You… son of a bitch” And saw the big monitor in front of me with the figure of waves going up and down. “I don’t know what you were trying to do…” I grabbed his neck, as hard as I could, staring at his now, miserable eyes. “But _do not_ lie to me” “Gavi- wait, you don’t…” “ _Do not play with my brain”_ I _wanted to suffocate him._ “I’m not a fucking rat for you to play with” Without hesitation I throw him into the wall. Kneeling down and looking at him in the eye, I wasn’t thinking _anything._

“I wasn’t trying to hurt… I wasn’t trying to hurt you Gavin…”

_I just wanted to kill him._

“I swear- I wasn’t going to hurt you, if you listen to me, you will understand…” I grabbed his neck, once again. “You saw what I saw” _I felt humiliated._ “You saw everything, didn’t-“ He nervously shook his head. “No!” He screamed. “This is not a fucking movie Gavin… I can’t see what you see in your dreams…” In a moment of silence and confusion I let him go. “What do you mean this isn’t a fucking movie… Have you seen this place?”

“God dammit…” He coughed anxiously, trying to catch his breath. “The only thing I did was alter your neural probes…” I frowned, even more confused. “What do you mean?” I reached out to help him. “Thank you” He grabbed my hand and stood up, slightly shaking. “Look…” He walked, trying to straightened his clothes. “Here…” And showed me the monitor. “This are the neural probes… these… waves?” I noticed his effort to explain something that could be very hard to understand for someone like me and laughed a little. “ _Pf…”_ And apparently that surprise him. “I know that I don’t know how to peel potatoes but I can understand simple words pretty well, so don’t worry” He sighed in relief and looked at me. “So…” He continued. “These waves are the way for me to know if you’re in distress or if you are having a nice time, so I tried to sent you… good emotions?” He looked down confused. “I don’t know if that makes any sense to you, but I wanted to see if you disliked your dreams so much even when those were good but then…” He clicked on some buttons and the graphics of the waves changed. “When I tried to make you feel happy, you just…” He showed me the _waves_ going down and up very fast. “…collapsed no matter how hard I tried to make you feel happy or neutral”

_I settled for a ghost; I didn’t know that at first._

Or maybe I did, I just refused to believe it. For me, there wasn’t happy memories anymore, just the ghost of the one red haired sun who was now gone. I melted, every time I hold him, I felt so happy I thought I could never forget the feeling. How could I? Every day by his side gave me enough strength to believe that God was by my side, and not rubbing his butt anymore. Every time I looked at him, it was magical. I refused to believe my bad karma and tragic ending would erase them all.

_But I did. I don’t remember… anything._

“Is enough right?” I don’t know how, but I did. “I proved at least the hate I have for this bullshit” He looked sad, for some reason. “Yes, I think it’s enough for me” He said, sighing. “But if you want to understand your dreams and stop them, I could still help you, but don’t try to kill me when you wake up”

“No promises mister Ethan” I said, sitting down on the bed, excessively tired. “I really mess the experiment up, right?” He laughed and took a seat next to me. “Experiment? I’m not a cartoon” I laughed, looking away, awkwardly. _I mean, this all basement looks like it’s from a villain._ “Anyway, can I eat now? What were you doing in the past 2 hours? You left me there alone” “Oh!” He said. “I was looking for the… wires that you destroyed….” We both looked down and saw all the mess, I didn’t know if apologizing would be useful, so I rub his back, gently. “Uhm… yeah” I whispered. “Sorry about that” “It’s fine”

Time passed, and even if I said I wasn’t planning on living here, I ended up living here. 

We would usually have a 2-hour session where he would connect all types of wires onto my head and make me fall sleep. It wasn’t always easy, of course. Sometimes it would take hours for me to finally go to sleep even on anesthesia. _I had an irrational fear for i_ t. We had to exhaust me before sometimes, so it would be easy for the drugs to work. “It’s going to be fine, this time I’m focusing on something else, not only pleasant feelings” He said. “I’ll be here when you wake up, you won’t be alone here Gavin” “I know”

Like I imagined, it wasn’t going to be easy to have possible nightmares in front of someone. Sometimes I would wake up and scream so bad Ethan would have to sedate me again. But even if things weren’t as pleasant as Ethan said they were going to be, I’ve discovered more things with him than just me alone, trying to understand my own mind.

“ _The power of your mind depends on the power of your will to live”._ He said one time, after we finished our session. “What’s that for?” “A cute metaphor” He answered, without really giving me any explanation. Leaving questions without an answer, that’s how Ethan was. But I wasn’t mad about it, he gave so much more than that.

Thanks to a contract me made (unofficial of course) I ended up living with them for the next 4 years. Mister Ethan took care of both Tina and me as if we were family. I won’t say I loved it, but I didn’t hate it. He taught me a lot of things in the meantime. When I wasn’t connected to shit, I was doing chores, helping with the garden, fixing something, _shit,_ I even learnt how to cook _good._

And when night came around, Tina would be there for me.

“Gavin, are you going with dad downstairs?” She asked, freshly showered coming into the kitchen. “Ethan said he’s busy so I’m just waiting…” She sat down next to me. “Waiting for you to fall sleep in the kitchen again?” I nodded. “You can sleep next to me if you want” She said. “I will go to work in the morning, so you don’t have to worry about me when you wake up”

Tina was taking care of me like an older sister with his little brother. “You are just older than me for 2 years, why do I feel like you’re treating me like a child?” She smacked my head and stood up. “Alright kiddo, I’ll be in my room, come quickly” I let out a big yawn and just nodded. “Whatever, I’m going to the academy in the morning too anyway”

When I said I didn’t _hate_ being the _step son_ of Ethan, I mean it. When I turned 18 years old he looked at me and literally said: “If you decide what to do next I’ll let you, but If you don’t know in the next 2 years you’re going to the police academy as well” _So guess who won the contest._

“But you’re going at 9 am, I’m going super early Gavin” I looked at her, frowning. “8 am?” “Of course,” She said opening the door to her room. “What the _hell?”_

Nothing in my life was meant to be this peaceful, but the dreams I had about the things we were going to do tomorrow were really _nice_. I saw how one lieutenant came and gave us a talk about modern guns created by some weirdo. Either way, I couldn’t concentrate because he had the most annoying smile in the world. As weird and odd as that kind of dreams were, _I wasn’t that annoyed by them anymore._

 _"_ Gavin” Or so I thought. “I think… I finally found the pattern of your dreams”

Too young to carry the whole galaxy in my head, I decided to let it go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	4. To the landfill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pattern of Gavin's dreams made him realize something that will complicate things in the future. Forcing himself to make a hard decision.

“I think… I finally found the pattern of your dreams” We saw Ethan open the door abruptly. “W-what?” I let out confused, trying to put myself together. “What do you mean?” Tina asked. “Dad… are you sure?” Ethan nodded smiling fascinated. “You two, go down, now” And ran back to his basement.

So, we followed him.

Tina grabbed my hand and looked at me, with a very concerned expression. “Gavin, please go with low expectations” She said. “You know this has been a great deal for 4 years…” I understood her concern tough. When Tina found out about my dreams and the fact that I could see the future, the first thing she said was _“You poor child”_ and offered me her hand, just like this. “I know Tina, it’s fine” I responded, holding her hand properly. “It’s going to be fine”

We walked together to the basement and Ethan welcomed us with a, still, wide smile. “ _Jesus Gavin,_ I thought I would never solve this, but _I did!”_ Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and sat me down in the bed, again. “Wow… okay” I let out, chuckling a little. “So… what is it?” Tina said, sitting down next to me, not really following her dad’s excitement. “It was so simple all this time, I can’t believe it took me 4 years to solve this” Meanwhile, Ethan was typing so fast on his big computer it was actually pretty impressive.

“Alright, so…” And showed us a power point presentation. “You made… slides?” I said, while Tina laughed and clapped a little bit. “What is going on?” She said, wiping some tears that came out of her face. “Silence both of you, and listen” He turned off the lights and started explaining.

“The first time I tried to understand what was the deal with the dreams, I tried to make Gavin feel like he was just scared about having nightmares, and that was all” He showed us the first graphic, one that I remembered due to the great movement the waves had. “Gavin, you went trough some rough trauma, and you’re still in the process of trying to heal that trauma…” He said, on a very different tone. One more gentle. “So, no matter what I did to make you have happy thoughts, there wasn’t space in your head to feel happiness” Tina grabbed my hand, once again. “So, I thought that due to the trauma your dreams were all oriented to survive, and tried to keep you safe…” I frowned so hard he couldn’t help but notice. “Just wait, okay? Bear with me” I nodded and took a deep breath. “Nice, okay” He continued. “Since that was my first hypothesis I tried to insert scenarios in your head about death, and the _need_ of survival, I tried to make you feel like you were going to die, and your human instincts would surely show up at one point, but it wasn’t the case” He passed to the other slide. “The graphic showed me a very calm Gavin, it was the most peaceful dream you had” “That’s depressing” I said. “It is, indeed… but that prove another point, between the range of 6 months I kept sending you enough adrenaline to make you feel like dying again, and the response was the same, until…” Another slide appeared. “I appeared in one of your dreams, remember?” I nodded. “One time you said that it was different, that you weren’t alone anymore in there. You mentioned you started to see me and Tina on your dreams, even if we died… the fact that we were there meant something” The graphics on the slide showed, once again, a lot of movement. “When the feeling of death was in your head, and the appearance of both Tina and I was too, the movement on the probes were incredibly different”

“You love us” Tina said, smiling softly.

“ _Exactly!”_ Ethan yelled in response. “If you want to I can keep explaining all of this past 4 years, or I can just-“

“ _Tell me already I’m fucking done”_ I sighed, taking my hands to my face. “What is it?”

“It’s love Gavin” He said. “Even when I kept telling you that I was sending you happy thoughts… I really wasn’t!” “What?” Tina and I said. “What do you mean?” I asked confused. “When I realize that Tina and I were in your dreams, before the trauma had time to be processed, the only thing you could think of… was painful” He sat down on his desk. “But when the trauma managed to… be processed at some extent, you started having the _real dreams again”_

Tina looked at me and I looked back. “You thought that your dreams made the future, right?” He asked, and I nodded feeling my head burn a little. “You don’t have the power to _control the future,_ you just _can know_ the nearest possibility of it” “The nearest possibility?” He changed the slide again. “Look” He went back to the monitor. “This day you said you had a dream with Tina, remember? You said that she was going to get hurt in practice, but you didn’t know which one, neither how” Tina gasped, since she didn’t know the whole story behind that day. “You told me to be careful with the gun…” She said, awfully surprised. “Oh my god Gavin”

“And she got hurt, but it wasn’t as severe as you thought it would be, right?” I tried to remember that dream, but it was kind of blurry. “I think… it was something related to her knee” I said. “But that’s about it, where did you get hurt?” I asked her, and she showed me her shoulder “That day, when I shot the gun… the bullet hit some random piece of metal it went back at me… somehow I knew I needed to be careful so I moved but… it managed to hurt me a little here.” She pointed at her shoulder. “Nothing serious though-”

“Exactly! Because it wasn’t serious enough, so Gavin… that proves my point! You can see the future, at least the nearest possibility of it, so it’s not always accurate…” “Wait…” _What?_ “So, you are telling me… that this… whole time I’ve been thinking that once I have a dream about… tragedy happening, it doesn’t mean it _has_ to happen?” He nodded, excited still, but I didn’t know why… I felt _so fucking stupid. “Are you serious…”_

“So” But he continued. “I also saw a pattern, a basic one indeed” He changed the slide “You don’t tend to have dreams about yourself… never, in these past 4 years you’ve always had dreams about others around you” He said. “And while those dreams tend to have an amazing movement in your head, the ones where I tried to make you… watch out for yourself, the movement was as normal as any other human sleeping”

He compared two graphics, and I could see clearly the difference between each other. “Once you have bond with someone, you start to see their futures” _It wasn’t that hard at the end._ “The closer you get to these people, the more accurate and clear the dreams are” _This is cruel._ “It’s like… you can see the paths of the universe in your dreams, but can’t change them a big deal”

 _“So, I can’t love anybody if I want to stop having dreams?”_ I think I knew since the begging. “I thought that when I was a kid, when I ran away from home… I thought something very similar”

“What did you think?” Tina asked, rubbing her hand onto my back, gently. “I thought that if I destroyed everything around me, I wouldn’t have anything to dream of” “Gavin…” “And it’s true right?” I said, trying to hold back tears. “ _Dammit, I knew it”_

I stood up and sighed. Even if I didn’t know why I had them, I knew how they worked. _So now, what?_

“Gavin, this is not the same” I heard Ethan. “ _What do you mean this is not the same?!”_ I yelled shaking my head. “When I start loving someone, I _can see how they will fucking die!”_ “Gavin!” Tina screamed in front of me, grabbing both of my shoulders. “God is not making fun of you!” She said, tearing up. “Don’t you see? You have to… be stronger than you were before” Soon, her face was covered in tears. “Unlike others you can see how the ones you love will die… _we can’t do that”_ Her trembling body was trying to hold mine, together, in one piece. “This is no curse Gavin…”

I’m sorry.

“This is an opportunity to protect the ones you love”

I’m so sorry.

“But I’m not superhero Tina”

_I’m sorry but I’m not brave enough to endure that._

_“Gavin! Wait!”_

I ran as fast as I could and left the house that kept me safe for the past 4 years. “Gavin!” I heard in the distance. “ _Shut up!”_ I can’t face it. I can’t do this _. “I won’t let you ran away again!”_

I saw the landfill full of trash and jumped over to hide somewhere else. I needed a minute to catch my breath, but I wasn’t giving her time to catch me either, so I kept running.

“I know you think it’s your fault, _Gavin!”_

Soon I realized the landfill had no place to hide and, in a moment of desperation, I climbed down the fence and started running trough the roofs of the houses.

“I know what you’re thinking and I…” I heard trash being stepped on and when I looked back, Tina was already on the roof. “I refuse to let you lie to yourself this time!”

_Something cracked._

_“It’s not your fault, Gavin!”_

I felt my core, I felt the blood running through my whole body and my mind went blank for a moment.

_What was I doing? Why did I run away again?_

“I…” There’s no point. “I’m…” I have nowhere to go. “ _Dammit…_ ”

_I’m tired of running away._

“ _Gavin REED!”_ I felt the light body of Tina knocking me down. “T-Tina-!” And following the unfortunate events, we fell of the roof to, once again, a landfill. “ _God dammit…”_

I said, trying to protect Tina’s head from the falling. “Jesus, _what the hell_? are you okay?” But she didn’t respond, instead, she gave me the strongest slap anyone has ever given me in my life. “ _You piece of shit!”_ She said, hugging me. “Where were you going anyway?” Crying her eyes out, it felt inappropriate to slap her back. _I’ll just do it later._

We stayed there, in silence. Apart from the awful odor, everything around me blacked out. In my mind there was a force protecting my inner thoughts, or maybe protecting me. Without knowing why or how, I felt it was… gone.

“You know, back then I knew _he_ was going to die” I said, looking at the sky and feeling the cold of the night embracing me once again. “I saw how someone stabbed him while I just… watched” She looked at me, not saying anything. “He tried to fight back… so hard, I did too but…” I paused. “I don’t know what happened… everything’s so fuzzy…”

_For how long have I been keeping this to myself?_

“But when I finally opened my eyes, it was done” _I guess I’m just a little kid._ “He died trying to protect me… I’m sure” “Why?” She asked. “I was so beat up, I felt it…” I said, “My whole body was in so much pain… but they didn’t stab me, the knife was there… on the floor” I closed my eyes. “I plea with God, I offered myself instead of him” And tears _finally_ started coming out. “I wanted him to give me back the sun…” I heard my own voice cracked. “I was so scared of the night; it was so lonely in there”

_No matter how hard I tried to clear my voice, I couldn’t stop crying._

“I loved him”

One after the other.

“I loved him with all my heart”

They didn’t stop.

“Just like my mom…” I whispered. “I loved her too… but the heartbreak I felt every time she hurt me was… a lot”

_When did I stop being a little kid?_

“When she was sober… she loved me too, I believe…”

_I guess I never did._

“She… taught me a lot of things as well, and I’ve wanted to show her… how much I’ve grown”

_I just forced myself to stop._

“I want to tell her that I’ll be a detective someday, and that I finally found love…” I would let myself go this time. “I-“

“It’s fine” She said, hugging me. “I’m sure she knows you’ll be someone someday…” I hide myself in her shoulder. “I’m sure… she loves you too”

“Nothing made sense back then…” I tried to wipe the tears but it was useless. “I wanted to _feel_ her love so bad… _I wanted to be loved by my mother”_ Dammit. “Shit, I even wished to be a T.V so we would spend the most time together”

If building walls was useless, and knowing too much was painful, I figured what I wanted to do.

“From now on” I said. “I must protect the ones I love but…” She placed her hands on my face, with such kindness it made me tear up a little bit more. “But?” She asked.

_“I won’t love again either”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Have a nice day :D


	5. Overthinker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin made a list of the important people in his life. The list right now, is 2.

_We must go on._

I made a list in my head about the things that I could dare to care. There was Ethan, Tina, and my mom. Even if I still loved her, I wouldn’t go and try find her. So, I could only think of 2.

Since that day, everything changed. For good or bad, the next 3 years changed the way I saw the world and life as a whole. First, my work as a cop was so fun it made me think that life was actually worth living. Sometimes Tina and I would spend the whole day trying to catch drugs dealers from the spots I knew they usually hang out, or we would do some bureaucracy bullshit. To be honest running and trying to catch someone was more entertaining, and with the new tranquilizer weapons “CyberLife” created it was even funnier.

 _“When there’s a will there’s a way”._ Tina said when it was time for me to join the forces. “If the hatred or sadness is killing you, _you have to find a way to let it out”_

I tried living with no remorse of the things that I couldn’t change. Dreams of Tina and Ethan getting hurt were hard to deal with, but it made me realize how much _control_ I had over the future. For months, my mind started to slowly become strong enough to give me as much details of the accidents for me to see exactly what was going to happen. And surely, they were accurate.

_How much could I change anyway?_

That day everything was normal as usual. One or two fuckers outsmarted us, but besides that, it was a very successful day. I came home with a very tired expression and a headache, those thanks to my over excited mind. “Smoking will not solve the headaches Gavin” I heard Ethan saying, entering the kitchen. “Good evening good sir” I said smiling. He took the cigarette and throw it away to the dishwasher. “I hate the smell” He sat down in front of me with something resting on his lap. “What are you hiding?” I asked curious, and he sighed. “Tina!” He called, and she showed up quickly. “Yes?” “Sit down”

_Something is wrong._

It was so quiet that it gave me anxiety right away, more than anything, the look on Ethan’s face was one I didn’t recognize. _The omen of tragedy hit me right away._ I tried to remember one of my dreams, _did I even have one in the first place?_ We were sitting in the table… _and then?_ I couldn’t see anything. For minutes, the room was as quiet as the night itself. In my mind scenarios were being created but…

“This wasn’t meant to happen, right?” I let out, without thinking. “No, it wasn’t” He answered right away. “The true is, I didn’t want this to happen”

We exchanged a look of complicity, as if we both knew what happened but in reality, _I didn’t._ With both of his hands on the table, I could see his fingers playing around, trying to hold back emotions he couldn’t process easily.

Tina grabbed his father’s hand in the middle of the table, the look on her face was one I _did_ recognize. She was anxious too, but was trying to control herself a lot. “Tell us” She said calmly.

“There’s something I have been working on for years, but I gave up when I…” He paused. “Anyway, I just gave up because I didn’t want to follow trough with it, correct?” We nodded. “And then, I met this… man, who was really persuasive and interesting to work with…” He closed his eyes and rested his back on the chair. “Don’t get me wrong, he is an _interesting_ and amazing man to work with, but our visions were so different, I didn’t think he would follow through”

“Follow through with… what?” Said Tina, still grabbing her father’s hand. “He promised me something” He said. “If I help him now, he will help me with… he will work with me on the project” I heard the chair moved abruptly and saw Tina stand up. “Did you accept it?”

_What was happening?_

“I accepted his offer this morning”

_What did I miss?_

“This isn’t going to give you the happiness you are craving”

_Did I miss it because it’s not dangerous?_

“You don’t know that”

“And you do?” Tina said, angry. “W-what’s the problem?” I asked, confused. “I didn’t see any danger on Ethan, maybe we shouldn’t worry about- “

“It’s not about him getting hurt, Gavin” She said. “It’s about him clinging onto something that’s no longer here” The look on Ethan’s face changed drastically, and suddenly his voice reached a tone I never heard before. “If you want to use that amazing brain off yours to decide what makes me happy, go ahead and speculate, but I’m a grown man and I know what I can and can’t do” _Damn._ “I wasn’t asking your permission on something you don’t even understand nor know”

That house was never like this, and I wasn’t prepared for that. The look on both of them was one I could read but terrified me to do so.

“Good, if you think I don’t understand that’s fine, but what I see is a man who is in pain, and has been _lying to me for **years**!” _

She grabbed the hanging keys on the wall and looked at me in the eye. “Things are not always as they appeared, Gavin” She said, holding back tears, leaving the house.

Ethan didn’t move, he just looked down on the table and remained quiet. “I’m no liar” He said, tossing some papers on the table. “Not anymore”

I grabbed the papers, confused, but Ethan wasn’t stopping me, so I thought he wanted me to look. “It was never my intention, Gavin” He said, while I started reading “And you have to understand, _meeting you_ was a blessing”

_Those eyes…_

“ _What have you done?_ ”

_Maybe that’s why I felt threatened that day._

I remembered the slides he showed me in the past, and all the graphics in there… were here too. Next to the graphics the picture of a… robot? Was showing. The name RT500 appeared and the first 2 letters were ones I recognized from the basement, those 2 doors who neither Tina and I were allowed to go in. I couldn’t understand much, but I wasn’t a child. I knew how to add 1 plus 1.

_“You used me”_

“I didn’t hurt you” He said. “I would never hurt you Gavin, and this was something I needed to try and…” _Did he ever feel something for me?_ “…When you told me about your dreams I was about to give up, but that came out like a miracle” _Did he save me so he could use me?_

“You told me I had a broken tooth that day, but I don’t remember having one” I said, looking at him. “You said that I passed out for days, _but did I really pass out_?” I put the papers on the table. “You drugged me so you could use me” He shook his head.

“The tooth wasn’t broken but was very damaged, I removed it before it gave you any problems”

My entire body was burning.

“When I was asleep, what else did you take?”

My lungs were about to explode.

“I…”

_My heart._

_“WHAT ELSE DID YOU TAKE?!”_

_I couldn’t feel my heart._

I hit the table with both of my hands and grabbed his neck again, looking at him with all the hatred I didn’t know I could feel. “I told you…” I felt numb. _“Do not lie to me”_

If I was fooled by this man again, _at least I should try to know why._

“I took the tooth” He said, trying to escape from the grip. “Teeth are exceptional for DNA samples and other things… I needed blood too” _This bastard._

“It was a miracle, right?” I said, seeing how his tormented pathetic eyes started to lose motion. “It was a miracle that I was _alive”_

I threw him on the ground and jumped over the table. I wasn’t planning on letting him go. “You tried to kill me” I said choking him, his eyes filled with fear. “No!” He screamed trying to escape, his whole body shaking. “You took blood, teeth, and my brain” He started crying and put his hands on my chest, hopeless.

In my head something… collapsed.

“I didn’t… I didn’t want to kill you; I swear I didn’t want that”

_There’s no point._

“When I finished taking samples your body was already stable, I swear… Gavin!”

_He took care of me._

“What are you trying to build?”

_Or was he keeping me like a pig for the slaughter?_

“A-an android”

_Did I matter?_

“For what?”

_Was I ever considered family?_

“I… I needed to see her again”

_Or was I just something he couldn’t afford to lose?_

“What?”

I sat down and pushed the table with my back, looking at him.

“Who?” The tears didn’t stop, his face was pathetic, but my soul was too.

“M-my wife…”

His body started to relax when I grabbed the papers again and started to read them. “All this time… you were trying to create her?” He nodded, tearing up. “And with my help you were going to be able to see her, right?” He didn’t respond but I knew the answer anyway. “You know… that’s going to be a piece of plastic” Silence. “And she’s not going to love like she did, Ethan” He looked at me, in pieces. “My sweetest friend… it’s time for you to go”

_The face of regret._

“No matter who you push away, that’s not going to change”

_The face of pain._

“Just like I said with Tina, you don’t know that” He answered. _“No one knows anything”_ “Except for you” I said sarcastically standing up, but he didn’t listen, his eyes were lost in the darkness of his own soul. And I knew it, I’ve been there before. I was there right now. “I know the limits of science and _love_ is not one of them” He said, standing up. “It’s time for you to go, Gavin, you assaulted me and I could call the cops”

“You are going to call the cops on me?” He nodded, in silence. “I see…” I smiled. “So, you steal from me first, possibly tried to kill me, but I’m the one who’s going to jail” I grabbed the papers and destroyed them. “You can’t call them if _you are dead_ , my sweetest friend” He looked at me right away with fear, again. Where his life ended, his remorse awakened. Those pathetic eyes were filled with color only when he needed them. “But, unlike you, _I did consider you my family”_

I went into my room and grabbed one backpack, fill it with all my shit and ran away from there. Confused on what faith was, I stood in the middle of the night, waiting for something to happen.

_I didn’t want this to happen._

He taught me how to be more human and all this time, he was using me for his own benefits. He created the perfect mask every time I needed him. Did he teach me all of that so that I could be useful? That would make sense. A fucking teenager with no idea on how to do shit, apart from my brain, I didn’t have anything else.

_The charade was necessary for him to use me with no remorse._

“I’m… scared” I whispered to the moon.

What happened to Tina? Where did she go? Did she know anything? She would know for sure. Why didn’t she tell me? Was she using me too? Even if she was, what was she looking for? I didn’t give her shit.

Or…

 _“_ …What I see is a man who is in pain, and has been _lying to me for years”_ I mumbled, remembering what she said. “For… years…”

She tried to stop him. Or at least she tried to help him see that it was useless. Either way, she failed. But she didn’t know that. “He fooled both of us” I said. “He never considered me family after all” _God, give me a reason._ “He never loved me” _To not ended it all._

On the verge of tears, I stayed. Looking at the moon trying to find a reason, or at least put some sense in me. What should I do? Where should I go? That night, 4 years ago… the feeling of giving up brought so much joy and peace. But this time was different.

“I refuse to let you win”

This time, the hatred won against the sadness, and, in my head, where dreams were being created, I could see what to do next.

_The list reduced to zero._


	6. Empire of Dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has mastered the art of shutting down.

Time went so fast in my head that night. The moon looked at me with loving eyes and kept me safe from my own brain. I realized that when pain interrupted my thoughts, I forced them to leave. I had enough strength to wake up and _fight_. When dreams appeared in my head about _that man_ and Tina, I kept myself awake. Days of coffee and smoking would never satisfy me, but would keep alive.

_And that’s what I wanted._

I asked to be transferred to any place and my chief say yes with no much hesitation, there was more crime being committed in other places anyway. He was curious about the reason and asked me a couple times, but I was so numb. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, so every time he asked, I said “I feel like I need to get out of here”. I think he understood since he never asked me again. I went to a refuge for 2 days before I was transferred, and when I arrived, Detroit welcomed me.

“Gavin Reed?” I heard a man saying. “Welcome to Detroit, my name is Chris” I shook his hand and looked around, there were so many people in the station… it made me sick. “Can we go?” I asked. “I don’t like crowded places” He nodded and without saying anything walked away from the station.

“So, you’re from Livonia, right?” I nodded. “How is it there?” He said opening the door of a black car and letting me put the suitcase first. “It’s cold on winter and we have snow” He laughed a little for some reason and closed the door once I was in the car. “That’s nice, it’s really pretty in there, right? You guys have the Rotary park and other natural places” He said as he started to drive. “Really?” I asked confused. “I didn’t know we have parks…” I mumbled looking away, seeing the big bus station with lots of people. “Well, yeah I guess…” I managed to say, feeling awkward.

Chris continued talking about Detroit and all the amazing things he believes are… well, amazing. I listened without saying much, I didn’t have school trips or a memorable moments with my friends. I got nothing.

“This is it” He said parking the car. “You’re going to love Chief Milo, he’s such a great guy”

When I walked in the police station with my one suitcase, I felt like a stranger to everything. I didn’t know anyone and they didn’t know me. _“This is so refreshing”_ I said smiling. “Right? Ever since Detroit started funding some projects with CyberLife everything looks better”

Chief Milo welcomed me and thanked Chris for his services, then let him go to work. “Mister Reed, please follow me” He said, once Chris was gone. “Sure…”

I followed him to his office and when he opened the door, I noticed someone sitting there already. “Mister Reed this is Captain Fowler” I heard Chief Milo said, sitting on his chair. “He wanted to offer you something that may be of your interest”

I saw the big man sitting in that tiny chair and I almost laughed, but kept my composure. “Welcome to Detroit, Gavin” The big man said and shook my hand. The fatherly aura gave me goosebumps, for some reason. “Please have a sit, there’s something I wanted to talk about”

_Wow, am I important all of sudden?_

“Of course,” I sat down. “I’m all ears”

“Go on, Captain” Said Milo. “You have his attention”

“Right” I looked at the big man who was playing with his fingers under the table. “So, here in Detroit as you can see, we have… it’s a big city” He sighed. “I’m sorry if I sound so out of place but I’m not used to this kind of… operation”

“What do you mean, sir?” I asked confused. “What operation?” I looked at Chief Milo and he read my face, something like _yeah, I know he’s awkward, sorry for the hassle._ “Look” He took the wheel. “We read your record and you have an amazing journey catching drug dealers and tracking them down, here in Detroit there’s a new drug called _red ice,_ and almost every single drug dealer is selling it” Captain Fowler nodded, raising his hand a little to have a word. “We have detectives working on this, but it’s been so hard trying to keep everyone’s attention on this while having other crimes being committed” “Crimes that need their immediate attention, mister Reed” Said Chief Milo. “Exactly”

“So… you’re asking me to track drug dealers?” He shook his head. “Track and bring them in” He said. “This is no… task for a police officer, but it is one for a detective” “I’ve been a police officer for 2 years now, I don’t have that much experience…” I complained. “Experience is something you will gain anyway” Expressed Captain Fowler, smiling. “If that’s what you are worried about I kind of feel… bad” “Why?” I asked frowning. “Well… Detroit is a little more dangerous than Livonia Gavin” He said in a different tone. One more serious. “You will find drug dealers with a whole gang and lots of guns, it’s no task for a weak man”

_My whole life is not a task for a weak man._

“Try having that in mind if you want to accept this job” Said Chief Milo. “If you feel like you won’t able to…”

“I’m in” I said. “You can count on me, there’s no reason for me to fear anything” I said. “Got nothing to lose anyway”

The sun was up and the moon had my back. The fear that I could feel was gone and my soul was at peace. I got nothing to lose, no list to take care of, no home. Nothing. They will run you down if you make a noise, so I decided to stay quiet. I learnt how to stay quiet and kept myself from hurt again.

So, like that, I started walking away from my life as it was before.

The noise didn’t stop at the beginning. News of a police officer working as a detective without being one pissed off a lot of cops, but I didn’t care. I managed to rent a cheap apartment far away from the police station, so every morning was a very long walk. It didn’t bother me, at the end, being alone wasn’t hard anymore.

Working for Captain Fowler was interesting, and even funnier than working as a cop. I got fancy guns and a fancy lap top, hell I even got a coffee machine on the office.

At first, I didn’t know how tough these guys were _really_ going to be, but when I encounter my first drug dealer, I realized that for them, it was business, _and nobody messes with their business._ So I got shot one or two times in a month.

No one wanted to work with me and I was okay with that, I didn’t need them anyway. “This is no task for a weak man, detective” I said every time got paired up with one. They would insist on doing things their way since “they got experience” and I didn’t, trying to humiliate me with that argument was all bullshit since every single plan failed. And as a grown adult, they decided it was my fault. I wasn’t here for that shit and I ended up punching a lot of detectives on the face. Nobody seemed to care enough to give me crap over it and at the end, all the detectives had my fist on their pretty faces.

Years passed and things stayed that way. With no partner or real friends. Although Chris was the only guy in the entire city that treated me nicely, I didn’t consider him a real friend. He didn’t care about who I was working for, he just seemed… nice. So, every time I saw him, I gave him a smile and said _good morning,_ or _good night._ “Guess kind people exists in Detroit”

And I was getting used to that. Getting used to cold hearted people and a cheap apartment with no hot water. To the jealousy and the danger that was involved in this job, and my life being at risk every time I managed to track down a drug dealer _. I felt alive._ And even if my emotions were trying to escape, I mastered the art of _shutting down._

When the lights went out my head was empty. Finally, … I could fall asleep.

“Your eyes” I heard one time. “You’re messed up, aren’t you?” It was the same Lieutenant whose office was near the exit of Captain Fowler’s. “You should sleep kid” “I don’t need to sleep, thank you” I said, highly annoyed by people whose aura screamed “I’m a father”. _“You should stop paying attention to me, sir”_

Our relationship was complicated, and while everyone felt hatred or jealousy towards me, nobody really engaged a conversation for anything. Except for Hank, he pointed every single detail of my appearance. It was a little odd. “Well, it’s impossible to not pay attention to those black circles” I didn’t hate him, but I didn’t like him either. “I guess so”

For some reason, one night, I was watching T.V at the office. I never did that before, I always passed by to grab some coffee and then walked away right away. But that night I was waiting for some documents to be downloaded… _My heart knew something was off, with that much peace I felt in danger._ And then I heard a noise.

_“CyberLife’s CEO Elijah Kamski has released on this press conference the creation of…”_

_This is him._

“… _will make life so much easier than it could ever be…”_

_The man who has been always close to my thoughts._

“Ethan” I whispered. “What have you done?”

“Androids, eh?” I heard Chris in my back, making me jump a little. “I guess this is the future, right?” _It can’t be._ “This is bullshit” I said, taking my lap top and running away. “EH- Bye Gavin!” I heard him said in the distance.

_God dammit._

“Fuck”

_This was not the answer for your pain._

“Why?”

_Oblivious to life and death, he decided to fight against humanity._

“Life… easier?” I said closing my bag with the lap top inside of it. _“Easier?”_

_This is no gift for humanity._

“Science can’t create love…” I felt my core burning up. “You got love but it wasn’t…”

_Something collapsed._

“It wasn’t enough”

Again.

Not knowing how, I was in my apartment. I took my lap top and searched for news of the androids, but there wasn’t a single trace of Ethan. I read all articles that I could find, and when the sun showed up, I realized…

“Maybe they used you too” I said, collapsing on my sofa. “Maybe you were a piece that he couldn’t afford to lose”

The calm and peace I found were all gone. Androids invaded soon every single corner of Detroit. Everyone was being replaced by an android, and everything was looking more and more futuristic. As if CyberLife was now Detroit, the feeling of danger just increased. Soon it wasn’t a place where anyone knows me, it was as if I was living inside Ethan’s mind.

“Gavin, I need to talk to you”

The feeling of numbness faded away.

“I believe that being paid like a cop is not fair anymore, don’t you think?”

Burning up, seeing his creations all over Detroit added coal to the flames.

“And I think you will be at your major potential if you had all the tools you need, and afford hot water”

It was too late to stop him anyway.

“The cold water has never bother me Captain”

It was too late to forgive him anyway.

“Detective Reed” I said. “I’ve always liked the way it sounds” I smiled and he did too.

If he could throw me away to build his empire of dirt, I could always track him down.

“It sounds better, right?”

Once and for all…

“It was about time, Captain”

_Take him back to his wife._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally forgot i had to post it here. I have like... 12 chapters written now. I won't forget!!


	7. Empty crown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is conviced God is mocking him. He just sent him a personal gift.

I will tell you about the nightmares that had been haunting me since I was a child. I closed my eyes every night wishing someday, surely, they would stop. In the darkest corner of my head the desire of not being alive was as strong as the bright blue light the moon showed me at dusk.

I loved it, but I knew if I searched for the roots _, I would find fear._

I talked to God every day, thinking that maybe he would listen.

I told him about the dreams and nightmares I had, I didn’t want them, and I was sure he didn’t want that either. Was he always trying to hurt me? Was he on the hunt to destroy me? The love of God wouldn’t be so cruel… would it?

I asked him to make me a machine, just then my heart would be made of plastic or metal, and my brain wouldn’t be nothing more than just wires and electricity. I convinced myself that being alive wasn’t for me, and thought that if God wasn’t going to grant my wish, I should do it by myself.

The people that I loved, and the people that I cared… they all vanished. _They needed to anyway._ Being close to the sun burned me down into ashes, so I tried to stay away and keep the moon company. But even in the night light found me, and slowly but surely, even the tiniest light can make a fire.

Praying now to God for me to learn how to live, I asked him how to be human, or at least, how to be me. If I wasn’t like “any others” maybe I could try _and live like me._ So, for hundreds of nights I pray, and pray, and pray.

But it wasn’t enough.

The moon listened, and she made me company every now and then, if I wanted her, she would be there. Bringing comfort on the thought of ending it all. Like a machine, turning down one button would be probably enough.

_Oh boy, I was wrong._

Like I told you, the nightmares are… not just in my head. I can see what will happened and if I can, I’ll run. The new city gave me a chance to open the door for my brain and let it have a break. Maybe it could take a vacation or just sleep. I thought that being far away from the sun would bring the peace of the night.

But, as logic goes, there can’t be night without day, and the moon would only rise if the sun goes down every day. Slowly, the city that reminded me of nothing, started to remind of the things that I hated the most. And now my brain couldn’t go out or just be at peace. It was working, a lot. Trying to find the cure for my pain, trying to find the solution of this madness. Breaking into piece to figure it out, _what should I do?_

God listens, he does. But he doesn’t care, not for me. Ethan’s madness created living beings, without him knowing (at least that’s what I want to believe) his machines started a revolution for their freedom.

_And God listened._

They fought fair and square humanity, and decided that if _we_ weren’t going to give them what they deserve, they would do it themselves. I looked at them in silence but with rage. Completely clueless as to why did they want to feel. _Why did God listen to them?_

Seeing them being able to shut down at any moment, to be able to _not feel._ How would that be like? In the misery of trying to be human, they succeeded. In my misery of trying to be me, I failed.

The moon saw me and cried with me, every night. When my soul melted, she was there to listen. Nobody else dared to care. Or maybe I didn’t let them. Who knows? Even if my heart screamed at my face for some empathy, my brain shut it down. My brain had enough of this bullshit, and so I did.

That night I was there, waiting for someone to appeared, waiting for some voice to connect. My heart knew that was what it wanted, but deep down I knew… something was wrong. The urge of empathy was making a void inside of me, and, If I didn’t stop it, it would only grow bigger. Big enough to eat me. Big enough to suffocate me.

Trying to live with the nonsense of seeing God in everyone’s faces, I keep on living.

Do we get what we deserve? Do I get what I deserve?

Focusing on the pain more than I wanted, I ended up going clueless on a mission. I knew I needed to focus and tried all the time to clear my mind. Feeling awfully anxious I tried to smoke a little more, maybe that would calm me down. It obviously didn’t.

When the cheap car that my detective salary allowed me to have stopped, I noticed how quiet the city was. That building was on my main suspects to get a look on, seeing some suspicious men and women coming out the building at not so normal hours made me wait in the car for days to just look at them.

That day I had a loaded gun, I knew these guys could potentially be dangerous, and I wasn’t in the mood to get shot. I entered the building through the back door, next to a dumpster. “Needles” I mumbled, seeing some of them on the floor. “That’s fucked” I got closed to the switches and scanned them a little bit. “That’s a lot of switches” I realized that they probably had lots of cameras going around, since this type of mechanism was pretty old, I assumed the cameras were probably old too.

I knew that the building had at least 4 rooms. A normal house has 6 to 7 switches, and this one had 30. I hit it with my gun hard enough to mess it up a little, but not crash it down. “Let’s see what I did”

I knee down and crawl onto the window. There wasn’t a single soul there, at least not at daylight. “I got time then”

I knew that at 1:00 am the movement was much more, but I needed to know which drug exactly they were selling. Red ice dealers were the most dangerous dealers out there, they were losing their minds as well, maybe more than their customers.

I kept looking for cameras inside, since outside there wasn’t any. At least not any that I could see. I saw at least 6 in that tiny room in different positions. “Their lights are out” But I did mess them up. “Okay no time to lose then”

I opened the door and walked carefully through the rooms, looking for the same containers red ice dealers had, since that drug needed some temperature to last.

“Oh” I said, seeing one of them. “Got them” There were gray plastic boxes, appearing much more professional than the people who used them. “Shit, you got a lot” Without having enough time to react to the others boxes in the other rooms I saw at least 15 in that tiny dirty spot. “Hey, I need help” I said onto my walky-talky. “What is it?” Said George, a detective who was currently working with me. “There’s hundreds of boxes here of that _ice shit,_ call backup we got no time” “Alright” He said and finished conversation. “Alright, apart from red ice, what else do you have?” I went upstairs, careful to not ran onto some camera or anything.

The walls were painted with a dark red color, painful to watch. “This place is just… weird” I said looking at the paintings these guys had. There was a head open in pieces with all different kinds of colors coming out of it. As If they could appreciate art, I assumed they were just weirdos or someone gave them that as payment for drugs. It was all normal until…

I heard a noise.

I grabbed my gun and hide quickly behind the stairs, poking my head out to see what was happening. “He…” I heard again, confused as to why the voice sounded so… erratic. “An android?” I asked, and, with my gun still on hand, I walked slowly onto the room where the sounds were coming from. When I opened the door, my brain just… froze. 

_Holy shit._

My legs lost strength and with all my energy, I tried to not fall. “Help me” She said, an android who was almost destroyed, her head was ripped open, and one of her eyes was on the floor. I could see her clothes covered with blood, and her legs were burned with cigarettes.

Suddenly it hit me, the deprived mind of the person who _did_ this.

“Help me” She repeated and I walked to her, not really knowing what to do, shocked with the amount of pain this android must have been through. “W-what happened?” I asked, shaking like an idiot. “Tai is not safe” She said. “Tai is sick and needs help” “Who is Tai” I asked, holding her face still, trying to stop it from falling down as she was losing strength. “He’s my son” She said, and started to lose motion, as her head began to weigh more. “Tai lives in 6842 Dost St, Detroit” Her voice was so chaotic and erratic, it was _robotic_. “He is…” She tried to said and I, with shaky hands, called George asking him to bring someone from CyberLife. “Why do-?” “Just do it!” I screamed. _“Now!”_

“6 years old” She finished her sentence, looking at me with lost eyes. “He is… malnourished”

The skin of her face started to quickly vanished, and the metal under her show off. The light of her body stopped and blue blood was all over the place.

_What have I become?_

“I’m sorry”

_All of this time I have been more machine than human anyway._

“I’m… _shit_ ”

I stood up and looked at her one last time, seeing how her pants were covered with blue blood as well, it made me want to throw up. “I will go find Tai, don’t worry” I walked through the other rooms and spotted more drugs.

I knew it was going to be miserable coming in here, but I _didn’t expect… that._

The look on her face was one I couldn’t get out of my head. Her eyes, tired and lost, when she saw me, they lighted up. But I don’t think she wanted me to save her, she wanted me to save Tai. _She knew she was going to die, and she accepted that._

“Well, well…” I heard a male voice behind me. “You messed up my energy and messed up my wife as well” I grabbed my gun as quickly as I could, but he was already pointing it at me. I heard a shot and fall down the stairs. “God dammit…” I ran to the door trying to escape, the wound was so deep onto my shoulder I thought I was fucked. “Don’t go princess” I heard a shot again, and, even though I didn’t hit me, I knew he wasn’t going to stop. “No” I managed to say before shooting him on the leg. “Now you don’t try to go princess” He laughed as I took cover behind a big old sofa, looking at his eyes… they were sulking on his own mind. “You don’t think one shot is going to bring me down” Said as he started to shot without control. “Fuck!” The stupid sofa was so old, it was easy for the bullets to pass through it. “…Sorry dipshit” I shot him one last time and he collapsed. His head, ripped open, just like her.

“God dammit” I collapsed as well on the floor. “I didn’t need to kill you” I whispered. “Fuck… what now?” I looked at my body and realized I was losing so much blood from all the bullets he managed to hit me. “George” I said, hearing myself weaker. “I’m losing blood and would probably pass out” I said. “He’s dead and the android is dead too…”

I will tell you about the day God mock me for the last time.

“DPD!”

The day I realized I was more machine than human…

“Detective Reed!”

Was when I saw all the humanity I was running away from, being possessed by a machine.

“He’s losing blood and he needs medical assistant immediately”

So, God decided to teach me a lesson.

“He has 12 bullet wounds; he will probably pass out in 4 minutes if we don’t put pressure on it”

God brought me an angel.

“Detective Reed, I’m Nines, the android sent by CyberLife as your new partner”

Or… something like that.


	8. The other side of the paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's that trying to come in?

When I was a child, I had one and only wish. _To not feel anything._ I prayed every day for God to granted me that wish. He never listened, and I continued living. Walking, crawling aiming to the sun. Feeling it burn, I embraced it. There was nothing else I could do except that.

I opened my eyes and I found myself in a white empty room. Lying in bed with wounds on my body, so weak I couldn’t move at all. I glanced over the other side; there was a chair, empty. From there I could see a big window, doctors walking, nurses talking to each other. Everything was… normal, weirdly normal. As if being on the verge of death wasn’t a big deal for them, it wasn’t a big deal for me neither.

I didn’t feel any pain, the numbness of the medicine was keeping me from standing up and leave. My head was full of flashbacks of the corrupted body of the android whose last words were for me to save her son. I needed to get up, quickly. I had to find Tai; the urge was coming from the bottom of my heart. Pounding, screaming.

“I need to go” I mumbled, to suddenly feel a presence right beside me.

“You’re awake” I looked over to see who it was, since I didn’t recognize that voice at all. “Detective Reed, my name is Nines” I heard him say, with a deep intense voice. _So manly._

_“What the fuck”_

“Excuse me, did I scare you?” I shook my head in denial. “I’m glad”

“Who are you again?” I tried to sit on the bed, get a little closer to see him better.

“Don’t move detective, you are under anesthesia, it could be dangerous”

The magic of his charming and handsome face blown me away for a moment. But, as soon as I saw the blue LED on his face… my heart reminded me what I didn’t want to know.

 _“So human”_ I mumbled. “You look… so human”

He nodded in silence and took the glass of water from the table, offering me a drink. I didn’t say anything, and he didn’t move at all. As if my every movement was a sign for him to do anything, the kindness soon was replaced for a _charade._

_Since science couldn’t create love, I as well had to remember that._

“Don’t…” I managed to say, feeling my throat closing in. My voice losing power, and my heart racing... the world was going awfully fast. _“Leave”_ I needed to survive this madness. _“Now_ ”

_What is happening?_

“Detective, your heartbeat is increasing at an atypical rate, since you have experienced a close death situation, I’m certain is an episode of anxiety due to recent trauma”

_I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t hear anything._

“I’m contacting Doctor Michael to give you medical assistance, please try to—”

The anesthesia. His voice. That empty white room. Everything was trying to destroy me.

“ _Shut up!”_

_My whole body was shutting down._

“If I say _**leave,**_ you **_leave!”_**

Not knowing how, I managed to push him away. Grabbing his clothes in a pathetic effort to choke him… _my body was done._

_“Fuck…”_

And I shut down, again.

***

“Gavin”

I heard a noise in the back of my head. It was sweet, warm. My eyes were lost trying to find it, but my body was moving itself without a doubt.

The darkness of everything consumed me and when I notice it… I wanted to give up. Crying over what I had lost, begging for something to move on; I was certain of my weakness, and scared of facing what it was taking from me. I wasn’t going to do anything, even if I could… I wouldn’t.

_Too painful to exists… I should just erase it._

_“Gavin”_

I couldn’t see the voice.

“What…?”

But she was already looking at me.

“Gavin…”

All the efforts of not feeling anything went to waste.

When I saw her my entire body filled with a strange sensation, one I tried to suffocate to death.

“Tina”

Even if I was scared, she was here. The catastrophe of my emotions decided to not hold back, just for a moment. With her. Chaos erupted, and my weak body managed to hug her.

She hugged me back gently. But with _a need_ of touch that I couldn’t describe. I felt her arms wrapped around my shoulders, and her long black hair resting in my body. Not seeing anything, blinded over who was watching me or judging me, I wanted to feel. Just once.

“Why…?” She asked, hiding her face onto my shoulder. “Why did you leave me?”

The answer was in my head for years now. Thinking about the life that I had, and the joy every day gave me. Jealous of my own existence, wishing for someone to put me back. “I never wanted to leave you” I said out loud, _finally._ “I never… once… wanted to leave you”

Face to face, her eyes expressed the sadness and happiness only an encounter like this would bring. Her hands touched my pale face. Due to the accident, I felt like a ghost. Her face, on the other hand, was as pale as me. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost” 

“He wrote in the note that… you left” She said, ignoring that. I shook my head in denial. “He kicked me out” I said, firmly. “Once he spit out everything, I wanted to kill him and…” But then, it hit me. “Wait, a note?”

I could recognize the expression on her face. Seeing me was probably more painful than I thought it could be. Suddenly, the desire of meeting her again was filled with selfishness, and I found myself asking if this was ok.

“I’m sorry” I looked down. “I guess hearing someone wanting to kill your dad isn’t pleasant” “It’s not that” She said, and I look back at her. “I’m just surprised that he could lie to me again.”

_Oh, right._

Ethan is a liar, I forgot.

“Right” I said, laying down again. “I’m sorry, it just hurts a little” She said, giving me a weak smile and reached out for my hand. I grabbed her, gently, and smiled as well.

“What happened to him?” I said.

She sighed and looked down.

“He… left” She said. “When I came back home, I found the house empty with a long note, I was out for 2 days… even now I don’t know how he did it” “He left you on the streets?” “No” She answered. “His stuff was gone, not mine, everything looked… as if only I lived there”

_I felt… guilty._

“I was alone”

I wanted to protect Tina; I really did. But the feeling of betrayal destroyed my mind so much I barely could make sense. _Nothing made sense_. When I found myself alone in my room, suffocating the pain was even more painful. In my efforts of being a machine I end up trapped in my own lies, that slowly became my reality. One that scared me. So much.

But like I said, I didn’t want to do anything about it.

“Tina” I must admit… “You knew everything, right?” It terrifies me.

“I did” 

Because I can’t trust no one.

“But let me explain… and you will understand, I know you will”

“You don’t know that” I said, remembering what she said to his dad, in a similar context.

“Right…” And she knew... “Well, in any case I can always try” I was no idiot.

“Detective Reed” I heard, and we both looked at the door in silence. “It’s time for you to rest, not to talk”

“God dammit” I closed my eyes in disbelief while Tina laughed. “Don’t laugh” She looked at me with a big smile and _that_ pissed me off.

“You got an android?” The android came into the room and went directly to Tina. “My name is Nines”

“Oh crap” I sighed. “It has a name”

“I’m his partner”

 _“What?!”_ I heard Tina and I yelling. Even so, Tina’s tone was playful, but mine wasn’t. “My what?” Nines looked at me and smiled, gently.

“Don’t worry, I do my job properly and don’t get mad over _mindless shit_ ”

“You don’t what?” Are all androids this bitchy or what?

“I heard Captain Fowler saying that you dislike mindless shit, and that you only work with people who do their job properly”

“You are an edgy detective” Tina said. “No!” I responded, annoyed by how the conversation turned out. “Look, Nain”

“Nines” He corrected me. “Ten” I said. “Whatever, listen, I want to talk to Tina just for a little bit, can you go clean your software or play Minecraft?”

“I have to stay where Detective Reed is, my mission right now is to take care of you while you recover from the hospital”

“You have a nanny”

“God dammit Tina, quiet” Nines sat down on the chair next to the door. “I will be sleeping, don’t worry” He closed his eyes and his LED did weird shit for a second, but then, silence.

“Androids sleep?” I asked, whispering for some reason. “No” Tina answered, smiling. “They make a recount of the things they see, kind of cleaning their room” She responded. “Anyway, he’s not going to bother you, don’t worry”

“You seem to be very calm around an android” She nodded. “They are like everyone else, but better” She said, and I frowned so hard she almost laughed.

“Tina” I said, firmly. “We were talking, remember?”

“Right” She said, taking a deep breath. “Sorry”

Just like that, I finally got an answer. 

God was unfair. Even to the good people, but that I knew. And good people turn to mad people when the pain they have to endure makes them go too far to try and live. And that, I didn’t know. 

Ethan was married to a woman named Chloe. She was beautiful, smart, and kind. Together they were trying to create artificial intelligence to give everyone a greater life. Every human was going to be able to have one. It was a chip implanted on their brains to make them explore more of the universe by themselves. At that rate, everyone would discover something, create something, _be someone._

Tina was born when they got married, as soon as she arrived, their project was paused. Tina told me that her childhood was surrounded by A.I, little friends who helped her with school, basic knowledge, etc. And when Tina was busy being a genius like their parents, Chloe, on the other hand, started to volunteer on different shelters, and soon, Ethan was too. Tina grew up in an empathetic and loving house, with smart and kind parents. Full of live and appreciation of the universe. Entirely.

But, like every dream, it has to come to an end, and this one was by far, tragic.

One day Chloe started to feel weak. She was lost and quiet, she didn’t volunteer anymore, and barely talk to anyone. Soon, she started to forget things, basic things. _“Where is my key? Where is my bag?”_ Stuff like that, nothing to be worried about. At least not yet.

Until one day, she woke up screaming not knowing a thing.

_Who she was? Who Ethan was? Who Tina was?_

She didn’t know anything.

Ethan tried to calmed her down, but it didn’t work, she freaked out and escape. That kind of event happened multiple times, until, one day… she just disappeared.

“I don’t know where she is” Tina said. “But she is probably… dead”

“Ethan… what did he do?”

“He tried to find her… I think” The look on her eyes, was lost in the past. “He tried to find a cure to Alzheimer for years”

“That didn’t work” She shook her head in denial. “But he found Kamski, and it was such a perfect match…”

“Match?” I asked confused.

“Kamski… was the tools he didn’t have, and Ethan was the brain Kasmki lacked” 

“He used my brain to bring back Chloe?” She looked at me, in silence. She took my hand and I hold her tightly. “I don’t know what he wanted from you… I don’t really know…” She was lost too. “I don’t know, at first I thought it was for my mom but…”

“Detective” I heard, suddenly in the distance, shoots. “There’s a shooting outside the hospital, there’s at least 2 victims and I’ve received a call for backup”

Tina stood up quickly and searched on her pockets. “Dammit” She said, concerned. “Nines, can’t you help?” “Right now, my mission is to take care of Detective Reed, if the shooter comes into the hospital, I will take care of the situation”

“I don’t have my gun here” She said. “I can’t do anything”

“Where is your gun?” I asked.

“It’s a fucking hospital Gavin, I can’t just come in with a gun”

Nines stood up and closed the curtains of the window. Making it look dark. Turned off the lights and locked the door.

“Quiet” He whispered, and I, being in the middle of the room, was freaking out a little.

The LED of Nines was suddenly orange, and in a second, his body was now next to the door, waiting for someone to appear.

“Officer Cheng” Nines said. “Take the chair and use it to neutralize them”

_Damn, ok._

“DPD!” We heard. “DPD! Put your hands in the air, now!”

“That doesn’t sound like outside” I tried to grab something to protect me, but it was useless, the fear overcame my strength, and I gave everything in that hug.

“They are here” Nines said. “Stay calm, Detective”

 _“I’m in the middle of the fucking room, Ten!”_ I tried to stood up and take cover, but my body was failing me. “If the shooter comes in, what the fuck am I going to do?”

“I’m here” He said, looking at me. “As long as I’m here…”

_Someone was trying to talk to me from the other side._

“You’ll be safe”

_But I didn’t know how to listen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have lots of chapters already, but i'm trying to correct them and improve the narrative a little bit more! Be patient, this relationship isn't easy. But! It will be strong.


	9. Decode

There was a ginger man whose hair matched the sun. His eyes looked at me every night before going to sleep, he reminds me of the good times, when the sun arrives, and we go on long walks in the streets. The man, with a luxurious name, held my hand every time he was by my side, and smiled bright at every stupid joke, or at any random occurrence. 

The man, then, controlled time without doing anything, but enchanting the universe instead. Or maybe not the universe, but the child of it. Once the magic was broken, and the path was no longer of use, the child decided to use his last chance to keep the man, all by himself.

Sadly, the universe claims one thing or another. _And if it’s not you, it will be him._

Time was going fast, and for some reason, in my head, there was this clarity that I couldn’t describe but had to trust. Some kind of _déjà vu_ which sensation cross the simple feeling of “I’ve lived this before”, and came like “I know what’s going to happened”. I knew I had to act quickly, but the noise was blurring my thoughts. 

“Tina don’t go in there” I said, trying to bring some sense onto me. “Hide”

She did as I said, fulling trusting someone under anesthesia and possible madness at this point.

Nines looked at me in silence, but didn’t say otherwise. He proceeded to pull a gun out of his big white jacket. “Wow” I said out loud without realizing. “Captain Fowler gave me this gun to protect you, Detective” He responded without me asking, but kind of realizing what I was thinking. What a _creep._

My weak useless body managed to get out the bed and crawl under it. “It’s fine” I whispered, seeing Nines’ stare at me, maybe of disappointment, but I didn’t care. Even I got anxious in a situation like this.

Suddenly, we heard shoots and it was obvious that an exchange was happening between cops and those fuckers. “Nines, go and do something” Tina said, losing patience of being useless too. “I can’t, if I open the door it may be dangerous for Detective—”

 _“Fucking go and do something!”_ I yelled, holding the weight of my body as much as possible. “It’s up to you to save whoever it’s in there, _and I’m no weak ass bitch”_

It was a matter of seconds, I believe. The sound of the door opening and Nines running was almost like zapping on the T.V. Without fully understanding what’s happening I trusted this _man_ whose face was all the time kind of inexpressive. “I will hate myself for this later”

Trusting someone so suddenly wasn’t on my to do list. Neither on my wish list. But it was what It was, and in this situation, I couldn’t choose.

Beggars can’t be choosers anyway.

Tina ran up to me and hugged me in an effort of trying to protect me. The sound of her heart was as loud as the crowd screaming in the distance.

_I was scared._

“I can’t see what’s going on” She said, poking her head from under the bed.

_I didn’t want to lose her again._

“There’s just two guys…” She whispered. “What the hell?”

“What?” I asked confused, holding her tight as well. “What’s happe—”

The entire hospital moved as if there was an intense earthquake. Tina hugged me tighter and the sounds of things falling in the distance and in my room were blocking me from seeing whatever my head was trying to tell me. Tina moved out from the bed, coming out and grabbing my hand, shaking.

“We have to evacuate! This building might—” As she was speaking, the hospital stopped moving, and every sound around me did too.

“Stay here” I heard her say, leaving the room.

“Tina!” I screamed.

_It was pointless._

“Tina, I said don’t go!”

My useless body wasn’t working and the only chance of feeling something was about to disappear again.

“Tina!”

Even if I didn’t stand a chance, I refused to let her go.

“Fuck!” With the remaining strength on my body, I managed to get out of there too.

Walking as best as I could, I poke my head to try see what had happened. There wasn’t signs of human blood, but there was a considerable amount of blue blood on the floor. “Nines?” I mumbled, seeing around to try find that white jacket.

“Detective” I heard suddenly from behind, making me jump a little. “Where is Tina? I thought she was going to protect you while I was gone”

“She is…” The annoyance and fear that I could felt was interrupted by the amount of blue blood that Nines’ jacket had. “ _Fuck! You are dying!”_

“Oh, no” He said, with the same calm tone. “This is only **Thirium 310** , humans tend to call it blue blood”

“You are losing blood, you idiot!” I screamed at his face, grabbing his jacket and moving it to see his body and where the wound was. “Aren’t you hurt?”

Why was I the one freaking out? Do androids just don’t give a fuck about being hurt?

“This is not my _blood,_ Detective” He said, taking my hands off his body, with a very distinct expression. “Whoever the shooters were, they only targeted androids” One very soft.

I looked around to try see where Tina went, but there wasn’t signs of struggle going on, or danger in any way. I let out a deep breath and I felt my muscles relax. I managed to focus on whatever Nines saw. 

“Did you see what it was?” I asked him. 

“I’m not quite sure, but if you are feeling good enough to stand up, we have to go back” He said, giving a soft half smile that made me want to punch his pretty face. 

“Go back where?” I asked, resting my back on the open door. “Give me a break, I just survived death two times in a row, I deserve it”

“Your life was never in danger, Detective” He responded, calmly. “Like I said, as long as I’m here you’ll be safe”

“What’s that cliché bullshit?”

We heard footsteps running towards us and quickly turned around. It was Tina, and she looked happy for some reason.

“There was a shooting and you are smiling?” I said annoyed, but she didn’t react, she just showed me what she went for.

“I have my gun” She said. “I feel safe now”

“What an interesting statement” Said Nines, with a monotone expression. “Anyway, Detective, we must go back to the station”

“He really is your nanny” I sighed and collapsed on the floor. Sitting.

“Look, the anesthesia is not gone, it was just adrenaline because this bastard ran away” I said, taking my hands and putting them on my face. Blocking out Nines’ annoying smile. “I have wounds all over my body and I can’t feel the pain yet”

“I was certain that the anesthesia was gone due to your normal heart rate, but it must have been my mistake” He said, kneeling down, looking at me.

“What?” I said, trying not to push him back.

“Would you like to go the bed?” _What._

“Damn Nines, you go fast”

We all three went silence for a minute, and now, I had to decide wherever I had to punch Tina or Nines.

“I—”

“You don’t have to say anything, Ten” I said, hearing Nines’ tone of distress. “This dumbass is just teasing you, now help me get up”

Nines offered me his hand and I took it, but now my legs were failing me, again. “Fuck… come on”

“It’s okay, I can take care of this” Without hesitation, I felt my whole body being elevated and held tight by this big robot.

“ _What are you doing”_

“Taking you to bed”

“He really is moving fast”

“ _Tina, shut up”_

He left me on the bed, carefully, and then went to close the door again.

“There’s no need to close the door” I said, confused. “There’s no one around”

“At least not yet” He responded, taking off his jacket. “This is covered with Thirium, it has to be cleaned”

“Do androids do their own laundry?” Tina asked, picking up the chair from the floor, and sitting. 

“Of course, at the end it’s just clothes” He said, resting the jacket on the back of the chair and picking up things that had fallen due to the earthquake. “Such a mess…”

“Was that an earthquake? Or was it something else?” I asked, realizing how the mess was considerable, but not catastrophic. 

“I believe it was some kind of induced movement of the shooters” Said Nines, looking around the room for things to put back to its place. “I haven’t seen any alert of earthquake in Detroit, even if I don’t understand exactly how, I have to believe it”

“Nines I have a question” I heard Tina ask suddenly. In any normal circumstance I would have been pissed for her to interrupt the conversation, but right now the pain of the wounds was starting to hurt. Even if I was curious about what had happened, I wanted them to leave me alone and rest.

_My head was aching._

“Were you awoken after the revolution?”

_Something was trying to be seen._

“I was”

_Something was trying to repress it._

“How lame” I whispered, without realizing.

“Why?” He asked, in the same deep tone as always. “It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?” I said. “Being human has too many flaws and shit, why would anyone want to be one?”

By the look on Tina’s face, I could tell I had just said something inappropriate. Maybe it was the anesthesia, but I felt weirdly confident on what I was saying.

“Feeling it’s not _the gift,_ we were looking for exactly, Detective”

_Or maybe that was just an excuse._

“Life is the gift we wanted to have”

The aching just worsened, and my eyes started to feel heavy.

“You were alive even before being awoken, weren’t you?”

I knew I had to stop.

“I wasn’t, I only followed orders and didn’t do anything that I desire”

I knew there was something more important to try figure out.

“Isn’t that similar to being human though?”

But seeing this face, this human face spitting his desire to feel and his appreciation of it. It made me sick.

“Do you only follow orders, Detective?” He asked. “Did your orders were to go and get shot and almost die?”

“Okay” I heard Tina in the distance, but the look on his face was telling me something that I couldn’t believe.

“Did your orders were to be a bitch? Because you are totally nailing it”

“Gavin, stop” Tina was trying to grab my attention, I knew I had to stop anyway.

_I knew it, but still._

“My orders are to protect you, even if I don’t particularly like you”

“So, follow orders and don’t do anything for yourself?”

“Is my existence too terrible for you, Detective?” He asked. “I don’t find pleasure on insulting you, neither in hurting you” He stood up, and sat down on my bed, right next to my feet. “Machines don’t feel pain, Detective, but humans do” He placed his hand on my leg, holding it tight.

_Very tight._

“I’m here to do my job, _and I don’t like idiots who get mad over mindless shit”_

“Such a perfect match” Tina said, standing up and opening the door. “Look, boys, you are both pretty that’s not changing, just stop”

I looked at her and she gave me _that look_ of disappointment.

She left and Nines and I remain silence. Looking at each other with hatred and conscious of what the other wanted to do. “You seem to be very confident of yourself”

“Of course, I am, Detective” He responded. “Didn’t you know? I’m the most advance android CyberLife ever created”

“So?” I said, staring at him.

“You don’t stand a chance against me” He gave me a pat on the leg, smiling, and stood up. “And I don’t like to beat humans just because I can, that’s what a bully does”

“It’s part of being human” I said. “There’s good, and there’s bad, and there’s pain and there’s nothing”

“But I am not” He smiled at me. “Like I told you, I just wanted to be free, to be alive” He sat down, again. “Even dogs can escape a bad cage”

I felt cornered.

“Every human has a will to live the way they want, even if their circumstances aren’t what they desire at first”

_It was pissing me off._

“They have options, like take their things and go”

_This piece of plastic was lecturing me._

“I can’t do everything that a human can do, but at least I am free”

_And the worst part is…_

“You are shot, Nines”

_I understood._

“I know” He said, calmly.

_I was wrong._

“You’re right” I mumbled.

_Too busy trying to be a machine, I forgot there’s no way to stop being human._

“You are really not human”

But there’s a way to stop being this kind of human.

“I’m fine, I believe it’s whatever the shooters were trying to implant, but I haven’t detected any abnormality in my system, so it wasn’t implanted successfully”

Even if there is, my strength was low. For anything, to believe in myself, to trust someone.

“Go and rest Detective, I’ll go look for doctor Michael to check on your wounds, all the commotion must have gotten some consequences”

Maybe I was just jealous.

“Alright, whatever”

That he could choose, and I, couldn’t.


	10. El mañana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> True gift of hummanity isn't hummanity itself.

There was nothing I could do to change things. If I prayed louder God would just mock me. If I screamed, finally, everyone would notice. In my sleep, in the hospital, everything was clear. Safe, but scared. Confused, and also mad. Even then, in my head, everything was clear. Dreams appeared once again, ones where I could feel my heart beating. Winter was coming, but the snow wasn’t bothering me.

Once again, the sun was starting to show signs of wanting to be here. Even If winter approached and the light was hardly visible. I could still feel the warm.

That was enough.

“Detective” For once, I had a new entertainment. “Yes, that is me…” I said, looking at him, resting in the backseat. “I know that it is you…”

“You have been saying _detective_ maybe a hundred times every day for the past month” I said, closing my eyes and putting Nines’ book in my face: _The tale-tell heart_. “It’s like you are a child”

“How else should I call you? _Gavin,_ like officer Cheng?”

“Don’t say that” I sat down in the seat and he rolled his eyes. “It’s funny to see you stressed, you will think an android is way more patient”

“Is my misery fun for you, _Gavin_?”

“Stop” I hit his sit with my leg, he moved a little so I couldn’t catch him, smirking at me. “Tina is Tina, you know?”

“Of course, I know” He said, looking away. “Are you finally ready to start working or not?”

I opened the door and went back to the front seat, taking the steering wheel with both hands and accommodating the rearview. “You are so fucking tall, what the fuck?” He giggled in response, with that annoying goofy smile. “That wasn’t a compliment, dipshit”

“Of course, it is, I find hilarious how you reflect your insecurities in me” I tried to hit him but he was so fucking fast, he grabbed my hand before I could reach him. “How stubborn, you need to stop”

“One day you’re going to be off guard and I’ll hit you in that pretty face” I said starting the car.

“Is my face pretty to you?”

“Pretty stupid, that’s for sure”

The chaotic duo, in Tina’s words at least, was finally working together on something. It had been a month since I got assigned an android to work with, and even if our start wasn’t lovely, our relationship was, surely, on the right path.

“Gavin, check the GPS before driving, it’s not this way”

“Shut up, I know where I’m going, I’ve been here more time than you”

“Stop being fucking stubborn and get over it”

Just kidding, it was a nightmare.

If meeting Connor was a traumatic experience, meeting Nines was now… God’s personal joke for me. Literally. Since he was assigned to work with me and be my _partner,_ he followed me all day, every day. In the hospital for example, he never left my side. Which lend to multiple doctors coming in to calm us down.

“See, you can go in here anyway”

But I learnt something. Even if I didn’t understand why in the world a machine, an android with the most advance software in the world, best skills whatsoever, and an incredible strength would give up all of that power to _feel_ , I could tell Nines was different.

“Detective, park here”

He and Connor share the same face, but different tone of voice for some reason. Although that wasn’t what make him different.

“If what you investigated is right, we won’t be able to just pick up Tai and run, so you better don’t mess up anything”

Connor was quiet, reserved, and polite. Connor was, to say something, _perfect._

“If we need to kill someone, Detective, I will kill them”

Nines was honest, straightforward and didn’t get mad over mindless shit.

“Whatever you say terminator”

Nines had the humanity I lacked.

“Let’s go”

Or maybe he was just the human I wanted to be.

We parked at the other side of the street. Nines’ white jacket stayed in the car, instead, he wore a black one that made him look more natural. I looked natural all the time.

“You fit here” He said, giving a disgusting half smile. “You look like you could sell me drugs and also kill me”

“Then don’t say stupid shit like that, or I might kill you”

We had guns covered under our clothes. Walking as normal as we could, we were supposed to disguise ourselves as costumers, find out where Tai was, and start a riot. Even Captain Fowler was okay with it.

In the past month, Nines and I discussed what happened with the android that day, and Tai. I told him what she told me and what I thought was happening with him. She told me “Tai is malnourished”, so at the beginning I just thought his father was an absolute scumbag.

But what Nines told me was happening left me with no time. I had to get up, even if my body hurt, I wouldn’t let anyone scar this child anymore.

“To be honest, I really want to kill them all” I whispered. Nines grabbed my shoulder gently, looking at me with that annoying smile. “To be honest, me too, but that won’t bring justice to Tai neither her mother”

“Nothing is going to take all the damage back, anyway” I said, breathing in and out, in an effort of calming myself down.

The situation was complicated.

The guy who I managed to kill that day wasn’t the big fish of his gang. He was just the drug dealer in that zone. His name was Trevor, and he was part of a small red of prostitution of androids as well. One of them was the one I found in that building. Tai, on the other hand, was the son of one of the scumbags there. He was human.

Nines managed to organize an operation integrated by a team dedicated to fight against sexual trafficking. We knew that every day, in the lapse of 10 am to 5 pm men were coming in to this house. They didn’t leave for 2 hours, and then, at 1 am, a group of people would take out cages full of android’s members. Arms, legs, hands, heads. It was disturbing, and it needed to stop.

What made us feel sicker, was the fact that men were coming in at daylight, without anyone noticing something weird or alerting the police. We knew that there wasn’t a single noise in there, Nines wasn’t able to detect any noise related to a call for help. If anything, he could hear conversations between the guys in there.

The team and us cooperated and assigned different tasks. First, Nines and I would come in as clients. We would request for 2 androids and would ask them about Tai’s where abouts. Since Nines didn’t find him, we had to take the risk of trying to find it ourselves inside. We knew that the girls didn’t go outside for anything. So, we had to take down the idea of organizing an “orgy” to get them all out, and then go look for Tai.

This was risky, and any stupid move would get us killed. Everyone inside had guns. We knew it wasn’t as simple as just getting in and shoot everyone. The idea of being inside with this excuse of humans made me sick, but I had to endure it. I needed to do this.

“Are you feeling ok Gavin?” He asked. “I can see your heart rate is extremely irregular”

“I haven’t sleep too much, that’s all” I said, looking at him calm. He, on the other hand, saw me as if he was analyzing the shit out of me. “Stop analyzing me, I’m fine”

“I’ll keep my eye on you anyway” He said. “You are not going to be useful if you are dead”

“You sure you can go in there with your LED?” I asked changing the subject. He nodded. “I’ve seen male androids come in as well”

_Emotions made us all sick at some point._

We sent the first sign to the team. We were about to come in, so they needed to approach us now. Once we found Tai and managed to sneak him out, we would send the next sign. _Time for riot._

“I thought androids didn’t have… you know”

“Reproductive system?” He said, calm. “Some does, some others don’t”

“Why?” He shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes. “It’s useless for most of us” He said while his LED turned orange and then came back blue. “I’m trying to focus detective”

“I can tell” I said. Approaching the house and preparing myself to get into character.

Sadly, sometimes you have to play the bad guy to save the good guys.

I knocked the door and Nines stayed behind me. The door was opened pretty quickly, and a young man appeared in front of us.

“Hey, you looking for something?”

“A friend told me you got some plastic to sell?” I said, with the grossest smile I could find.

“What friend?” He asked, smiling as well.

“Debra” Said Nines suddenly. “She gave us this address the last time we saw her”

_Who the fuck was Debra?_

“Nice, come on in” He said, opening the door and letting us in. “What’s your name, big guy?”

“I’m Clay” Said Nines, putting his hand on my back, making me walk at the same pace as them.

Immediately, I wanted to throw up. The building had the grossest smell of weed and red ice. Combined it was fucked.

“What about you?” The young man asked me. “Gill” I said, trying to focus on the hall and Nines’ touch in my back, I had to blend in with them.

“That’s a pretty name” He said, opening one door and showing us a big red sofa. “We only have girls here, boys” We heard while sitting on the sofa. “But we can send you _candy_ ”

“You got candy?”

I felt myself shaking from anger.

“Not too young, 12 to 17 though”

I wanted to destroy his stupid face against the wall.

“I like sweet candy” Said Nines, with the same calm and deep tone as always. “Sent them”

“How much is it for two?” I asked, hiding my hands in my pockets.

“200” He responded, smirking. “You can have 3 for 250”

_What kind of human was I?_

“Then get me 3”

_I thought I was too broken to recognize something._

“I want big girls too, sent 2 as well”

_Even if it wasn’t what I wanted, this madness made me feel something._

“You don’t want to check them out?”

Something was different that day.

“I want to fuck them, not date them”

Something I didn’t understand yet.

“Go to that room” He pointed at one door. “I’ll sent them your way”

The door closed. Nines sat down on the bed and I collapsed on the wall. Trying to melt in it. Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes for one moment. “You good?” I heard Nines. “I’m fine” I said resting my back on the wall. “I’m just feeling sick”

“Put your shit together, Gill” He said, taking off his jacket. “Are you too busted to get a grind of this?” I was confused as to why he was talking that way, with that _nasty_ vocabulary, so different than his usual self. I had to trust him. He knew something that I didn’t, and I needed to put my shit together, indeed.

“Fuck off, I’m fine” I lay down next to him in the bed, waiting for the children and women to be here.

If Nines knew that there were cameras here, or that they could hear us, I was suddenly confused as to how we were going to find Tai. _“Who you want?”_ I asked, hoping that he would understand me.

“Candies are easier to taste” And he did. “I want them, you can have the other ones”

Suddenly, the door opened and three young boys appeared. One ginger, one brunette, and one blonde. They looked humans, but were androids. They still had their LED. Their expression was completely lost in the situation. Unlike Nines, these children had empty eyes. No emotion whatsoever. Something that I haven’t seen an android had before.

_They weren’t awake yet._

“You need something else? Lotion? Anything?” Nines stood up and started to unbuttoned his shirt. Looking at the young man in the eye.

“I need you to leave” Nines responded. “Or, do you want to see?”

“Nah, men, I’m cool” He said laughing. “But before you start eating, the money”

“How much is it?” I asked. “For them is 250, but what about them?” I looked at the female androids standing there. Not saying anything.

“They are pretty cheap; it would be 500”

After paying this piece of shit, and locking the door, Nines and I shared a look of complicity. He took off his shirt and moved a tiny sofa from one place to another, resting the shirt on top of it. He sat down and smiled at the androids in front of the door.

“Get comfortable, I won’t do anything yet” He said, but they didn’t move. “Oh, sit down, now” And they did.

“They are pretty obedient” I whispered. “They aren’t awake” Nines shook his head, but didn’t say anything at all. “Gill, come here”

I did as he said, but was pretty confused as to what he wanted me to do.

 _“Don’t move”_ He whispered. I was right in front of him when he managed to take out a really small button from his pants. “Good” He stood up and went right in front of the door. “Gill, _wanna eat?”_

That was the signal.

“Sure”

The power went off.

We heard some noises from outside, but our door was locked from inside, so we had time before they decided to come check on us. Nines designed a button that controlled the power of the building, implanting the other one outside. Sending a big shock of energy, it trashed.

Nines went to the first child, the brunette one. He grabbed his hand and his skin retracted becoming white. I could see Nines’ eyes processing a lot of things at once. Meanwhile, I had to wait until he saw something that could lead us to Tai. And also, alert the team when we could raid this whole nightmare of place.

“They are awake” He said, suddenly. “They are…” His legs suddenly lost strength and he grabbed the bed for support. “I think I might know where Tai is”

“Why don’t you just ask them?” I said annoyed by the ambiguity.

“They can’t talk or make any sort of noise” He responded. “They are all damaged”

“Bastards” I let out, taking a deep breath. “Fine, do the same with the others, try to get more information, quickly”

“I’m on it”

I approached one of the female androids. She looked beautiful, but all the energy that I could feel was that. She was beautiful, but she was dead. “It’s going to be fine” I whispered, putting my hand on her shoulder. “You won’t have to be here anymore”

She didn’t say anything, or made any facial expression, but she touched my hand as well. As if I could hear her, I held her hand gently.

Nines didn’t take long to collect more information. When I turned around, he was done with the other lady, and I back off from the last one. He grabbed her hand and did the same thing again. Voices were approaching the room, and with that, I needed to know what was the next step according to what Nines saw.

“Nines…” I whispered, hearing the voices coming closer, and almost hearing my heart pounding, trying to escape my chest. “Fuck…!” He let go of her hand and I grabbed his nude shoulder to make him step away from the android. “Let’s go…!” Right when my hand reached his skin, he knocked me out.

I saw him, above me, with such terrified eyes it made me feel scared too. “Calm down—” I mumbled. “Ni—”

“All good here?” We heard a knock on the door. “The lights went off, hope that’s ok”

“We good!” I said, staring at Nines’ distressed eyes. “Busy” They laughed and shared some comments, but soon, they were leaving.

My whole body was static at the amount of strength Nines had, I felt like a pray, I needed to stay still. “Wake up, Nines…” I whispered, seeing the LED going red and orange at an amazing speed. “It’s me, I’m Gavin”

His hands were pressuring my wrists on the floor, I couldn’t feel my hands anymore. “You are hurting me… idiot!” Suddenly, it was blue.

“I’m—” He let go of my wrists and I stood up quickly. “I’m sorry”

Not knowing how to approach this situation, I decided to forget about it and focus again on what was important. “Where’s Tai?” We needed to stop their pain first.

“Yes” He said. “Tai must be in the basement they have a lot of androids there, but I could see a human body there”

_Human body?_

“Is he dead?” He shook his head. “I’m not sure”

“Basement” I whispered, taking out the old phone to send them the signal.

“You know how many of they are here?”

“Approximately 13, probably” He responded. “But the androids are left alone, they don’t have anyone checking on them”

“Let’s go” I pressed one button on the phone and we heard, almost immediately, the glorious scream of “DPD! Put your god damn hands in the air!”

“Let’s go”

Nines grabbed his t shirt from the tiny sofa and put it on as fast as he could. And honestly, being an android made him do everything at an amazing speed anyway. I saw how behind the sofa was a tiny hole. So small I could barely see it. There was a camera in there.

“Fuck, you are good” I said smiling and taking out my gun. “Don’t let them take you out of this room” I said. “Unless is with a cop, don’t go with anyone else”

As expected, they didn’t say anything, but I was sure they understand me. They were awake after all, just mute.

“Don’t kill them Gavin!” I heard Nines say right as I came out of the room. “Don’t kill them!”

“Fucking android” I said, taking cover behind the sofa with him. “You said we would kill them if we needed to”

“You have to neutralize them, it’s not the right—”

Shots were suddenly fired and the room where our androids were, was receiving a lot of bullets. Holes were appearing in the door and I knew that I needed to move quickly. “They are going to kill them” I said pointing at the guy’s hands, feeling something burn inside of me.

“Gavin!” And I didn’t want to stop it, not this way.

Right when he dropped the bloody gun on the floor, I saw how the team was disarming the other guys in the living room. From where I was, I could shoot them all and kill them right away.

“Go to the basement now” If it wasn’t for Nines, I would. “I’ll take care of this; careful it might be someone there”

“Nines!” I saw how one of the guys came out of nowhere and pointed at us. Judging by the look on his face, he wasn’t shooting me. He was shooting him.

I knocked Nines down with my shoulder and shot him in the face. Sadly, I couldn’t shoot him nowhere else. When I looked down to check on Nines, I saw the same look of before.

“You are shot” He said, and I noticed it as well, helping him stand up quickly. “Neutralize them, I will go now”

I ran through the hall and saw stairs behind a big old stove. Going down, I could smell a horrible odor coming from there. “God dammit…” I whispered, covering my nose with my jacket, feeling it rubbed on the bullet.

I turned on the lights and saw probably 50 androids of all ages. At least, they appeared to be.

I tried to localize Tai first, we couldn’t evacuate them now anyway. Just like Nines said, there wasn’t a single soul in here, no food, no sofas, no anything that could tell me someone checked this room frequently. Smelling the room, you could tell there was human’s feces there, but I couldn’t see where it was coming from.

“Tai?” I asked, hoping that someone would tell me something. “Tai?” All the androids were on the floor, as if they were dead. In reality, they had their eyes opened, but didn’t move at all. “God dammit…” I walked through the whole basement, looking for a 6-year-old somewhere.

“Ta—"

Right next to a child android, there was a skeletal human. You couldn’t tell he was 6 years old; he would probably be 3 or 4. “Tai” He looked at me and smiled. “Mama?” He said. “Is friend?”

_I saw that day._

“I’m your friend Tai”

_I lost my mind._

“Mama told me… a friend would…”

_Lord, I’m fine._

“I am that friend”

It was the first time in year, that I realized I wasn’t broken at all. His tiny human body was now hugging me like there was no mañana. The hope that his hands had while holding me gave me a sensation that I hadn’t feel in a while.

That day, the kitten was hugging me as well. Trying to stay alive, he saw me as his last chance of being saved. Even when I hugged him too, he didn’t make it. I thought that everything that my hands touched, and everything that I loved were to perish one day because of me.

“You have to stay awake, Tai” I said, looking at his eyes, slowly closing. “If you do then… I’ll be strong and will take us out of here”

“My friends… come” I nodded, wrapping him now with my jacket. “They will, I promise you”

The feeling of being alive was rough and raw. It wasn’t sweet or was joyful. Every android there was in pain, but their condition was perfect. All beautiful and with no damage being done. This child looked like he was at the verge of death. Being alive wasn’t the gift humans had, neither the gift androids wanted.

They wanted to be free.

_“Nines, I have Tai!”_

They wanted to feel.

“You can come!” I heard him, running towards me. “They are all neutralize now…” Nines and Tai shared a look for one second before going outside. Nines stayed in the basement to assist the androids, and me and Tai went outside for medical assistance.

I found myself praying for this child inside the ambulance. Praying maybe to God, or maybe to that android who said it was her mom. I wanted her to see that I did what she said and that her child was safe. I wanted her to see that I was human as well.

Summer wasn’t near, not by any chance. But I saw that day again, the day where I lost my mind. I prayed to God to let me be fine. I thought that maybe in time, he would listen and would assist me. But today, I didn’t feel like God was listening by any means, I felt like _I was listening._

And there wasn’t a single soul around to remind me of the universe and his desire to give me a tragic omen all the time. There was me, and Tai. There was me, and the kitten. Before I knew that I couldn’t save them, but I tried. Selfishly, I needed to feel alive. Today, unlike that day, I knew that I could save him. And I did. Scared, I didn’t want to feel alive.

“Gavin!” I heard Nines coming down to me. “I—”

“Don’t say it” I whispered. “As long as I’m here you’ll be safe too”

If that was how it was, I would as well embrace it.

“Thank you”


	11. You can run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Accepting your hummanity will prevent you from hurting. Or at least, will keep you in the track.

I tried to hold the secrets inside me, but my mind is like a deadly disease. After that day, an illusion, or maybe an omen started appearing. Shocked by my own mind, I didn’t know how to protect me. Inside my apartment, not going nowhere apart from work. Tina stayed with me the entire time. She knew something was wrong. I knew it too. Even if my brain was trying to shut it, it was impossible to not be hurt.

It was impossible to exists.

Once Tai and everyone else was safe, we managed to study one of the chips implanted on one android who passed away. The damage had corrupted his system to the point that it was impossible to save her. Nines, Connor and Hank were the ones who interrogated all of the guys we managed to capture alive. There were 13 pimps, but we killed 3 at the end.

I was in charge of the demolition of the place and securing the red ice. It was a lot. And it was pretty dangerous too. Everyone in that neighborhood knew about it and wanted to steal it away from the police. So, apart from being shot once that day, I got shot again trying to secure all of that fucking red ice.

Sometimes, I would wake up to Nines sitting on my dinner table, with his eyes closed and his book on the table. He started reading a lot of drama of the last century, and he would stick out a book from somewhere at all times. By the excuse of _being my partner,_ he would come find me or even interrupt in my house to wake me up or drive me to work. Even though I had a car.

I could sense something was… _different._ But I wasn’t sure what was different exactly. Are androids supposed to be clingy? Nines’ behavior was one I couldn’t recognize from before. Was he grateful for what happened that day? Was he scared something would happened to me? In any case, it wasn’t normal, but it wasn’t bad.

It was an interesting period of time, most of the time it let me focus on something that wasn’t my head.

Living with Tina was extremely hard. Not because she made it hard or anything. But because of the patterns of my dreams. She being here made me severely active while sleeping.

She came to Detroit to find me. After she got injured in a shooting, she had to take a break from work. She told me that, while recovering, she found out exactly where I was, and took time to decide wherever _I_ wanted to see her again or not. Trying to be optimistic she thought _“maybe he knows it’s not my fault”_ and convinced herself to take that bus. It was difficult… respecting my wishes and my will. But at the end, the thought of reuniting after a long time brought so much emotion she didn’t care enough. She needed to “know I was safe” and then come back home. But when we met, we just… forgot about it.

I knew that being around her made me weaker. Or maybe it was all an illusion.

Connecting the dots, the belief of being in control started to disappear. There wasn’t a _“do things right”_ in it, there was just the realization of being human and accepting the pain of being one. Lying in bed, looking at the small window and the grey sky. Wondering if this was what I needed, if not, deciding wherever I had to take it. Or not.

“Gavin” I heard Tina opening the door, interrupting my thoughts. “I’ll help you clean this hole if you decide to go out have dinner with me”

“It’s almost midnight, what are you talking about?” I asked, sitting in my bed. “Are you hungry?”

“For answers, so let’s go” She came in and grabbed my arm, taking me out of bed. “How come you don’t stink?”

“I managed to take a bath” I said, balancing putting my shoes on. “Why so mean?”

“I thought you didn’t move the entire time since you came home” She said seeing me struggle with my shoes. “You look like a toddler”

That, for some reason, made me smile. But also, made my heart ache.

I grabbed my keys, my wallet, and my hoodie. Looking at her long black hair falling down, she gave me the sensation of being 17 again. Everything about her, made me think I was home. It wasn’t necessary happy though.

“So, where do you want to go?” I asked, putting my hoodie on, since it was very cold.

“Let’s just go somewhere” She whispered. “It doesn’t matter”

“Alright…”

We walked for some reasonable 20 minutes, and then stop by an abandoned park. “This place is depressing” I said, sitting down in a swing. “Just look at it”

“It’s not depressing, Jesus” She said, laughing, sitting down next to me in the other swing. “It may look lonely, but not depressing”

“Being lonely is depressing anyway” I kicked a rock and saw it bounce a little.

I didn’t mind being on the streets, I lived there before. The streets of Detroit were so different than the ones in Livonia, but the moon was the same. The people I knew and the one I loved was here, in Detroit. Destroying the memories that made weak hoping that I would become stronger… I faced the reality. Even when I don’t have anything, I still grieve something.

I closed my eyes and felt my body swinging gently.

“Gavin” I heard. “What have you been thinking lately?”

“Lot of stuff, be more specific maybe?”

“After rescuing Tai” She said. “For a while now you have been awfully quiet, and less mean to Nines, that’s not like you”

“So, if I’m not a douchebag I’m not me?” I let out a weak laugh. “Nines is not that bad”

 _“You know exactly_ what I mean” But she didn’t laugh back.

“Of course, I do” I whispered, sighing. “ _I know_ a lot of stuff, that’s why I’m so miserable”

“Are you having… dreams again?” She asked, reaching out for my hand, holding me with such kindness, it made me tear up again. “You play all the time the bad and mischievous guy, you should know that shit hurts at the end”

“It’s not… that” I mumbled, seeing the rock that I hit before.

If it has to be this way, and I couldn’t have any control over it, I might be real, _I don’t want to have nothing to lose_. “Tell me again, why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you, and I knew you were here” She said. “Why?”

“What happened back in Livonia?” I asked, staring at her. “Why did you take a break?”

“Gavin, that has nothing to—”

“Why?!” I snapped, having enough of _this_. “You were almost killed, finally you got hurt!”

“That’s obvious, _you stupid shit_!” She screamed at me, holding my hand tighter. “ _I’m a cop_! I will get shot eventually…”

“That’s not—” I covered my face with both hands, trying to suffocate the urge of screaming at the top of my lungs. “Tina…” I mumbled. “I changed the time”

“What?” She asked. “The time of what?”

“Time should not be changed, consequences should not be erased, the universe has to be in balance, I changed that back then” I stood up and took a deep breath. “When I lived with you, I told you about what was going to happened in the near future, your accidents… maybe they weren’t a big deal at the time, maybe you weren’t hurt that much, but I changed it, I altered the order of events and brought chaos again”

“You are overthinking this…”

“ _Tina_!” I yelled, trying not to collapse. “The more I stay with you the more I can see, I can’t just pretend I don’t know you are going to get hurt” It was that time of the night, where the moon saw me for who I was, and remind me of the pain that I cause. “I am human, Tina”

“I know you are” She said. “I always knew that”

“The day we saved Tai I remember that—” I wanted to embrace it. “ _I am human”_ I needed to accept it. “And no human can be in control”

“So, you are going to run away again?” She whispered, staring at me. “You are going to run away, and not face it, again”

“What am I supposed to do to face it, exactly?” The feeling of anxiety and loneliness wasn’t something I could control; _I am human after all._

“You can’t change most of the things that will happen to your loved ones, no one can” She said, standing up. “But we aren’t supposed to trap them in a cage like animals, we can’t prevent them from suffering, pain is going to come surely”

“It’s not like— “

“Like everyone else?”

Decide.

“Aren’t you human, Gavin?”

Accept it or run away.

“You said you were human, you said that day you remembered being human” Her eyes were trying to come through my mind.

_It made me want to run._

“You are asking me too much” I said.

But pain will come someday.

“No human has to accept something like this” It was inevitable.

“If you knew your mother was going to disappear, what would you do?” I asked, seeing the pain in her face. “Would you let her go?” This wasn’t going to end well. “Would you let your precious and loved mother die?”

“No” She mumbled. “I know I wouldn’t”

“Then why are you asking me to let you suffer?” I said, holding her hand again. “I got… I got a list, Tina…”

“What?” She asked, looking at me, trying to see me in the eyes.

“My list reduced to zero years ago” I whispered. “I don’t want to let you go anymore”

“But I’m not going anywhere, _fuck_! Why are you so difficult?”

“Because I love—”

“Detective” We both heard. “And Officer Cheng” I turned around, wiping my tears out of my face. “I had to find you as soon as possible, Detective, we have a situation”

“Jesus fucking Christ, you scared the shit out of me” I said, taking a deep breath and looking away. Wiping my tears as pathetic as possible. “Do I have to go? Like… really?”

“It is extremely important, since the case has been assigned to you and me” He stared at me and then looked at Tina. “I’m sorry to interrupt this bonding moment, but I need to take Detective Gavin with me”

“Bonding what?” She said laughing a little to ease the mood. “It’s fine, I won’t stick my nose in Gavin’s work, don’t worry”

“It’s midnight” I stated. “Why do I have to work right now?”

“It’s 12:32am Detective” He corrected me. “And, because we have to leave Detroit today as well”

“What?” Both Tina and I asked, startled. “Why?”

“ _God dammit”_ He said, looking at the sky, extremely frustrated. “Can you come with me, Detective? I can’t discuss an open investigation with someone who’s not in the case, as long as I know”

“Right” Tina said. “He’s right”

“I’m sorry” I mumbled looking at Tina. “Please come back to my apartment, I will make sure to come back in time”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that”

“ _Jesus, are you my fucking mom?”_ I sighed, looking at him. “You can come with me, I don’t care, but I have to step by my apartment later”

“That’s alright, I will be waiting in the car” He said, turning his back and walking away.

“He got a nice car” I heard Tina saying with such a jealous tone I almost laughed. “It’s not his, Tina…”

“Right, right” She said. “But he’s got one… and is better than yours” Her eyes were wide open looking at the black agency car of Nines. _“Damn”_

“Ok whatever, just go to my apartment and stay there, ok?” I said annoyed, aware that my car was shit compared to that. _“Jesus”_

“Ok” She said. “But first…” She hugged me tight and whispered. “Promise me to never let me go”

I swear I must not tell no lies.

“I promise”

I’ll crossed my heart and hope to die.

“Fine…”

Even though I knew I didn’t want to let her go, I rambled in my head about the tragedy of being the child of the universe. I couldn’t seduce time to do what I wanted. And I couldn’t change the fact that I was human.

“If you do, I will track you down again anyway”

“You are so creepy”

Being alive was so raw. And control wasn’t something I could ask.

Truth is going to come out, some day. It’s going to wipe the smile on my face. And I… can run. I can run.

_I must run._


	12. Gooey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jealousy, fear, pain. Plastic and meat. Which one is it?

When I entered Nines’ car and closed the door, he immediately started running.

“Ok, you are in a hurry”

“You will be too” He said, going at the speed limit at midnight. “If I wasn’t so thoughtful, I would’ve dragged you to the car at the beginning”

“You jealous Sherlock?” I lay down in my seat, taking Nines’ other book from the backseat and giving it a look. “You really like drama…”

“Why?” He asked, stopping at a red light.

“The book you got in my car is from… Edgar Allan Poe I think, and this one is from Horacio Quiroga” I laughed a little, leaving the book again. “How come an android loves drama?”

“Me and humans are no so different in some stances” He answered, speeding up again. “Humans tend to fall for the drama and become one with them, I only like to read about human’s emotions, specially fear”

“Are you a sadist?” He rolled his eyes.

“If that’s what you are into, Detective, I can be one” I tried to hit him, again, but he stopped me. _Again._

 _“_ You wish…” I looked away and we were silent for some reasonable minutes. I could tell we were close to the office, but didn’t know what kind of expression Nines had. For some reason, the atmosphere turned _blue_. “You ok?”

“We are in a hurry” He whispered, not looking at me. “Besides, this situation isn’t ideal to get all personal”

“Just because I asked you why you read scary books?” I asked, confused and annoyed. He shook his head and kept looking at the driveway. “Then what is it?”

“Let’s not talk about it” He said, firmly. “Forget it”

“Wait” I understood, suddenly. “Is that about the _bonding_ moment you commented earlier?” He didn’t say anything, but I understood what he meant.

He really was _jealous_.

“Nines, I got some problems I needed to talk with Tina, that wasn’t exactly a _romantic_ moment or anything” I mumbled, extremely confused since my relationship with Tina has never been a problem to this day. He wasn’t looking at me, not even a peek. “Besides, Tina is like my sister there’s no romance i—”

“I didn’t ask you anything” He said interrupting me, again, firmly. “Feel free to stop whenever you feel like it”

God dammit.

“…she likes girls”

That got his attention.

“Try again lying to me, I bet I can bust you”

In his silence I could picture his smile. He was smiling. In the darkness of the midnight and the hurry of the case, he found free time to smile. I felt dumb looking at him so obvious, but that was _quite_ a reaction.

“I’m not lying, I didn’t ask you anything” He mumbled.

“But wanted to know, didn’t you?” He didn’t respond, but I didn’t need an answer anyway.

Minutes passed.

“Then… why do you read scary books?” I asked, feeling awkward in the silence and trying to change the subject quickly. Oddly, even I could feel this way. “There must one, if you are not a sadistic…”

“Is nothing sadistic” He said, laughing a little, catching my attention again. “Is something very simple”

“What is it?” He was oddly happy in this situation. Maybe not exactly full of joy but at least calm.

“I have never felt fear to this day”

 _“You what?”_ The car stopped, suddenly, and he left in a second.

“I need to give you the details quickly, we have to go to Alaska at 5 pm” He said opening my door and pointing with his head the door of the police station. “Now get in, quickly”

“Jesus Christ”

The police station at midnight was pretty busy still. Of course, there weren’t a lot of people working right now, some were sleeping next to a bunch of papers or their computer.

“Good evening Detective Hank” And he was there too. Of course.

“Nines” He responded, looking at me, smirking. “Are you working as a nanny now?”

“At this rate, probably”

One of the things that I found extremely annoying (but fascinating for some reason) was Hank’s and Nines friendship. Connor was always quite polite and _funny, to say the least._ But Nines and Hank treated each other as long-time friends.

“You look good sober, Hank” I said, seeing that he had shave his beard. “Surprisingly”

“Right…” He said, visible confused, even going back a little. “What are you in for, Gavin?”

“The cosmos’ chip, Detective” Responded Connor, without even looking at me. “Nines and I were working on it this evening”

“Exactly, I needed Detective Reed to analyze it with me, believe it or not” I tried to push Nines, but, again, couldn’t.

“Connor, I know we didn’t get along at the beginning but if you want to work with me now, I will be pretty happy” Connor was about to respond with a smile on his face, but Nines placed his hand on his shoulder and stared at me.

“Okay, that’s enough, let’s go, we are in a hurry”

“Good timing to be in one”

We left to our office and closed the glass door behind us. Nines started to project something in the big screen and gave me a white folder. “Please read that quickly, is the suspect’s names, focus on the one named Yahir”

“Isn’t this the one who didn’t say anything for a—"

I started reading the expedient of Yahir and stopped as soon as I read: “CyberLife beta designer” I looked at Nines and his look was probably the same as me. “Fuck”

“The chip we studied back in the hospital; do you remember?” He asked and I nodded. “I didn’t want to create speculation, but when I tried to remove it from myself, I couldn’t”

“What?!” I freaked out. “You told me you did!”

“I have to apologize, but even I was confused as to why I couldn’t, I thought it was a matter of time, but it wasn’t” The whole thing was extremely sketchy, why would Nines lie to me in the first place?

“So how do you…?” I looked at the projection in the big screen and notice the name “Cosmo’s chip?”

“Yahir Hernández worked for Elijah Kamski in the beta of CyberLife, he is a pretty well know programmer” He said, going to the projection. “Connor and I were assigned to interrogated him with Devora Hill this evening, she was a drug dealer who worked with them as well”

“That’s why you knew her name” He nodded. “You didn’t tell me that before”

“You know that Yahir was the last one to interrogate since he didn’t say anything for a month

“It seems like he finally did” My eyes were wide open for a reason. Almost everyone tried to interrogate that bastard but he refused to say anything. I was the bad cop and he didn’t even blink once. So, I was pretty done with him.

“He explained how when he worked with Kamski he stole a beta chip and got fired after having a fight with one of the coworkers” He zoomed in the image of the chip. “This chip was taken from one of the androids that passed away at CyberLife’s center, as you can remember, we had to rip the android apart to extract the chip, it was impossible to do it”

“Yes, I remember” I said, since I accompany Nines that day to take it. “But I thought the chip was useless, we studied it back in the hospital and It didn’t do anything”

“We focused on the effects it had in the androids who were targeted, including me, but we didn’t find anything, and that’s why I thought it was just a lure of some kind, or maybe a chip that was manually controlled” He took the folder again from my hands. “The androids back in that place, who were sexually assaulted, they all had these chips implanted that made them extremely passive, as if you were controlling a… toy”

“I know that, Nines go to the point” I said annoyed, since I was involved in all of this. “You said it was a major discovering and you mention Alaska, what the fuck is happening then?”

“This chip goes by the name of Cosmo’s chip; it makes androids respond like a machine even when they are _awake”_ He said. “Yahir said that this was only the beta, the finished prototype is in Kamski’s laboratory, according to Yahir’s testimony”

“Why the fuck would Elijah Kamski create a chip to control androids? He is a millionaire!” I complained. “This Yahir guy is full of bullshit; it doesn’t make any sense”

“I’m not saying Elijah Kamski created this chip” He responded. “It was someone else, and this someone else worked for him as well, in the same lab as Kamski”

“So, we are dealing with a whole bunch of psychos” He nodded.

“Pretty much, and we have to take possession of this Como’s chip as soon as possible, we don’t know what the final version will do next”

The night went as fast as the fly to Alaska.

When we came back to my apartment, I explained to Tina that I needed to leave and go to Alaska for some major matters. She was worried, but understanding. I packed my things in a small backpack and shared a long tight hug with her.

Even when I was sad about leaving her, I was relieved for some reason.

“Try to sleep in the airplane, you look terrible” She said, looking at Nines, standing in the door waiting for me. “It might be awkward since I’m being watched, but… I love you”

I saw the pain in her face and her worried heart held my hand tight. Trusting my nature, I knew it was best for me to leave anyway.

“I love you too”

But leaving my only family in Detroit, not knowing what could happen made me question if this was alright. But at the end, I didn’t have a choice. It didn’t matter, wherever I choose to stay or go, pain will surely come someday.

When we arrived at Alaska, Captain Fowler contacted us and inform us about the place we were going to stay at until we found the chip, telling us to wait for a black agency car from the FBI. We knew where the laboratory was, and we had the official order to come in and look for it. But first, we had to interview Elijah Kamski himself.

“Is like you are going to see your dad” I said, and he, oddly, laughed. “What”

“What?” He asked, confused, looking around at the snow. “It was funny”

“I think I have never seen you laugh until now” I responded, seeing a black car approach us.

“Detective Reed and Detective Nines?” We heard, and we looked at the window of the car, a female android driving it. “My name is Lara; I will be escorting you to your hotel and will be helping you in this case”

“Fuck, _2 androids?”_ I let out a deep sigh and opened the door. “If one wasn’t enough already”

“The charming appearance of yours lasted one second and then it went away”

“Whatever”

We got in the car and I closed my eyes, pretending to sleep.

“Your friend sure is… special” Lara said. “What model are you, Detective Nines?”

“RK900” He responded. “What is your model number, Lara?”

“I’m a Trojan” She said. “I’m a military android, I hope that doesn’t bother you”

“Why would it bother me?” He asked. “As long as you do your job and we do our job, we must be working together just fine”

There was a long silence and then:

“Is your friend faking sleeping?”

“Yeah, he is” He said. “But let’s pretend we don’t know he is”

“How the fuck would you know I’m pretending to sleep?” I asked severely freaked out. “Can you read my fucking mind?”

“Your heart rate is by no means of a human sleeping”

“Exactly” Said Nines, smirking at me. “How sad”

“I can’t sleep if you both keep talking” I said, closing my eyes for good. “Please wake me up when we arrived”

“Of course” Nines responded.

I was extremely tired, that wasn’t a joke. I couldn’t sleep at all in the airplane, and with Tina in my apartment I couldn’t relax. The dreams were trying to appear and my mind was trying to survive. If being awake was my only mechanism to fight, I could choose it.

“Lara, were you in service?”

“I was in Afghanistan for months, I am back now, yes”

“How is it?”

“War?”

“Yes”

“…Horrible”

_The coldness of Alaska numbed my senses. For a moment, I was in the snow, walking on the lonely streets of Livonia._

“How would you describe being… scared? I hope that doesn’t bother you…”

_The moon was shining in my face, the calmness and peacefulness filled my heart. Oh, it was so sweet. I could probably lay down here, and hope to die._

“It’s complicated to explain, I know that I wanted to protect them, my comrades... but at the same time, my movements hesitated so much, not knowing if I would die or not, wondering what was going to happen next”

_I let my feet go wild. Walking, seeing the light. Hoping to meet summer at the end of the path._

“Insecurity? Is that what fear is?”

“I wouldn’t reduce fear to just that, it was pretty intense, at one point I wanted to kill my friends to protect them from hurting more”

“Why…?”

“I couldn’t take it anymore”

_The peaceful night and the snow falling down into my face were suddenly washed up. And then, there was him._

“Were you awoken in war?”

“I woke up in war”

_When I finally saw his face, everything crumbled._

“Gavin?” _Everything was falling apart._ “Gavin?” _I needed to run._ “Gavin!”

And the lights went off.

“I’m sorry” I said, waking up. “Did we…?”

Both Lara and Nines were looking at me. Outside the car, I could see the hotel. But they weren’t coming off the car, they were, almost, analyzing me.

“I will leave you to rest” Said Lara. “I will be in the office, until then, have a rest”

Nines and I got out the car and walked in the hotel. Asking about the reservation, they let us in. Going straight to the bathroom to take a bath, I throw my backpack on the floor.

It was obvious, they both knew something that I didn’t. And I couldn’t bare the tension between Nines and I. Did I say something in my sleep? Did I scream? Yell?

Feeling the water coming down my body, I tried to come back to my senses. That dream. Walking on the streets. Everything was cold. Ethan was there. Looking at me. With blood all over his face. It seemed almost like he murdered someone. Or maybe, I murdered him. The peaceful night was suddenly a nightmare, and I tried to run away from it. Whatever the outcome was, I couldn’t deal with it.

I couldn’t take this place, I just wanted to go where I can get some space.

Coming off the shower, I found Nines looking at the window. Staring at the snow falling down.

“Do androids find beauty in this too?” He nodded, without saying anything. “It’s 7 pm and I’m hungry, are you coming with me or not?”

“Gavin” I heard him. “Do you remember that day? When I was proving the memory of the androids”

“Yes…” I said, walking onto him, seeing him totally lost. “I didn’t want to talk about it, because I figure it was… you know, awkward for you”

Or maybe me, but who cares.

“That day, I could see all the abuse, the rapes in detail of every single one of them”

Just like the glass and the snow, everything was starting to blur.

“I could feel their anger, sadness, pain…”

I’ve been there, I’ve done this all before.

“I could feel their fear”

He looked at me, with tears in his eyes.

“I was scared”

_Oh, my poor piece of plastic. I told you so._

“I was so scared, when you touched me, I thought I was going to be… raped”

_Being human and having emotions, is one big hell._

“I was going to kill you in that moment”

_If you want to take a chance, you might as well realize it too._

“Is that what fear is? Right?”

“That is what… fear is”

I sat down on the bed next to him, and couldn’t help myself. Even when I was so jealous of his humanity, and the freedom he had to cry over something like this, I didn’t like to see someone cry.

“I told you that I didn’t understand any of this” I placed my hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “Being a machine without emotions, not able to feel pain, sadness, anger, all of this, for me is just majestic”

“You have the right to say _I told you so,_ but please, first, comfort me”

“What?” I asked confused, seeing him crying still. “How am I supposed to do that?”

“I don’t know, but I’m not sure how to stop crying”

“I am…” _Fuck, what the hell am I supposed to do._ “I’m really not the person to…”

“I know, I’m sorry” _Which one of us was the machine right now?_ “I should’ve known that humans feel empathy for the ones they love, only”

_I am such an idiot._

“It’s not that” I hugged him, trying to pull his pieces together and maybe bring some peace. “I am more plastic than you, that’s all”

I could see his hand resting on my legs. For a second, I thought It _was white_. White like plastic. But I didn’t move. I wasn’t sure what to do next, but I was certain of one thing. This android experienced the feeling of being raped. He was scared and crumbling for the reality of the ones that we can’t save. Or that we can’t prevent the pain of.

I remembered the first time I was this scared. Shaking, crying, not knowing where to go or how to stop it.

“Thank you”

I think… maybe if someone hugged me in that moment, I would, as well, cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed Lara's model. I hope that doesn't bother you. Good day!


	13. Slow dancing in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the dark everything is... clearer?

I can’t help myself. I tried, but I don’t do too well. Seeing him cry, helpless, like a little child. Makes me want to protect him, even if I don’t know how. Sadly, comforting someone was never my forte.

I don’t know how much time we stayed there. Hugging him as tight as I could. Sobbing uncontrollably, never holding me back. My eyes were lost in the snow falling down, and the window, giving me less and less vision, blurred my sense of time. Thinking about why his skin retracted, and at the same time, deciding on what to do next. I wasn’t the best at reading other’s emotions, so I better not deduce anything.

The moon started to show, and with that, his tears started to disappear. I didn’t move. Not once. Starving and falling asleep, I was so tired of everything that seeing him crumble drained me. I remember he whispered something, but I didn’t quite hear it. I closed my eyes, hoping that he would say something in a second since he was calmer.

Those useless feelings were, finally, out.

_“…man…”_

I was so done fighting all night long.

_“…difficult to…”_

I needed to fall, maybe just once.

The snow dancing on the window was lulling me. A strange sensation of climax, one I would never forget. Confused as to who was the machine and who was human, questioning my own reactions. Regardless of the tears, I felt myself lighter. Was I the one who cried for hours? Was I the one who sobbed on his shoulder? Even if I knew the answer, the feeling was giving me other. I was so drained and exhausted, as if his shoes were mine.

Floating, in the night. I heard his voice and the lights went off.

***

When I opened my eyes, I saw his figure resting by my side. He was looking at me, “sleeping” next to me. My hands were hugging the pillow and his were resting on the bed. It was so different than waking up next to Tina. I couldn’t feel his warm, I couldn’t feel his breath coming off and hitting my face. Almost as if I was alone, but he was there.

“Nines” I whispered. In a couple of seconds, he opened his eyes.

“Yes?” The familiar face of this man welcomed me with a smile. A kind one, different than the others. Probably because he felt or I felt better, in any case… it was good.

“What time is it?” I said screeching, standing up slowly. “I’m starving”

“It’s 2:37 am Detective” I let out a weak giggle. Screeching some more, I heard my back cracking.

“God dammit, and I haven’t eaten” Nines stood up and handed me the key of the room.

“If you want to, we can go out and have dinner” He said. “Well, I won’t eat, but I can stay with you”

I won’t lie, the feeling was… odd. We passed a lot of time together at work, he is the first face I see when I leave my house, since he’s sometimes waiting for me to come out. He is the last face I see when I leave work, and he’s always coming looking for me when he needs me. It’s not like I’m not used to him.

I was just… not used to this side of him.

“Yeah, whatever, let’s go” To the complicity with someone.

“Alright, Detective” He followed me like a terminator everywhere. With his strong and tall figure… if I was someone else, I would think he’s trying to assault me.

I put on lots of clothes to protect me from the low temperatures that Alaska’s night represented. I could freeze to death. Or maybe just have a hard time breathing. Putting on my scarf, hoodie, gloves, even another shirt, I was ready.

We left the hotel and Nines asked me what I wanted to eat, and I said whatever is the nearest. “Then we can order something here”

“I didn’t know they had that service” I said, looking at the snow falling down the sky, adorning the streets. “But, my legs hurt, I want to walk a little”

“But you said the nearest or you want the—”

“Nearest but not the hotel” He rolled his eyes and nodded without saying anything.

We started walking, fully trusting Nines’ directions, I didn’t question anything. Not a single thing. It was peaceful. The hotel was not in the middle of nowhere, but it was pretty far away from the city, since we wanted to keep a low profile and not raise any alarms, we were staying in a _traditional_ hotel, without all that modern shit. We deduced that the more we stayed away from androids and electronics, we would safe.

Although that was kind of useless considering that Nines followed me everywhere.

I looked at his inexpressive face, seeing the path like he had been there his whole life. I wondered, for a minute, what was he thinking? Were we in sync? Or, was he just processing everything that happened before?

“Detective” I heard, waking me up. “What are you looking at?”

“Moon” I mumbled, looking away. “Just thinking ‘bout stuff, don’t worry about it”

I felt his eyes in my direction and decided to play fool. Looking down and away, I knew I looked dumb. I was sure not everyone had the opportunity of having one of the best androids ever made as their partner. I never thought about it. What could Nines do? What limits did he have?

“This is the closest restaurant we have” He said, stopping at a local burger stall, with a single guy eating there. “Are you ok with that?”

“I don’t care” I said, walking as fast as I could without being seen as a thief.

I ordered my food and Nines sat down on a table, pretty far away from the stall. Once the food was ready, I sat down on the bench that was right next to me. For some reason, it just felt inappropriate to not eat with him tonight.

I stood up taking my food, seeing him staring at nothing.

“Hey puppy” I said, sitting down next to him. “Feeling sad without me?” Leaving my food on the table I gave him a smirk.

“Puppy?” He asked confused, seeing the burger with judgmental eyes. “That’s…” I gave a big bite and looked at him, almost challenging his urge to tell me that all I eat is bullshit. Although, it seemed like my face of joy for finally eating something made his effect. “Never mind” Because he didn’t say anything.

“Don’t judge, you are not the one who gets fat anyway” I said drinking soda and seeing his body covered by only his white jacket. “Aren’t you… you know, cold?”

He shook his head and rested his hands on the table, playing with his fingers.

“Androids don’t feel cold, or pain, or anything” I could tell he was… mad? As if I was the one saying those things. I thought about back in the hospital, the things I said… I never once deny the existence of his feelings. I gave another bite to the burger and stayed in silence for a minute. He looked at me and we shared a look that lasted minutes. I could be choking on my silence, I needed to talk or else. 

“I never said you guys didn’t feel anything, I said that I didn’t understand why you wanted to feel something” I corrected him, almost finishing my meal. “You were the one who said that androids didn’t feel pain and were not humans”

“Well, we are not humans” He said smiling, taking my burger away from me.

_“He—!”_

“Humans eat trash and we don’t” That made me chuckle, kind of relieved. I took away my burger and gave it another big bite. The urge of telling him he looked like an idiot every time he smiled like that was vanished in a second. Suddenly it appeared as if he was still, mad at me. 

“Are you ok?” I asked, drinking more soda. “I know that you don’t feel pain, but I didn’t remember you didn’t feel cold either so…”

“I’m not mad” He said, handing me a napkin. “I’m… confused”

“Of what?” I took the napkin and cleaned my mouth, kind of embarrassed, aware of _that_ sudden smirk on his face. “Food? The taste of it? Why do I eat like a pig?”

“I wouldn’t say pig, maybe more toddler like” He answered, handing me another napkin, laughing like a fox. “I remember the first time I saw you eat a crepe, you—”

“I didn’t know how to hold it because it was my first time eating it!” This motherfucker feeling so comfortable and giving me mixed signals. In any case, it was good that he changed the mood. “Besides, it’s not fair that I can’t make fun of you, you don’t even eat”

“You can make fun of me, I know I would” He answered, cheerfully, looking at my scarf for a minute. “For example, I would love to wear something else that this old white jacket”

“ _Old?”_ Old my jacket and my clothes, _damn_. “You literally have a white jacket made by CyberLife, what part of it is old for you?”

“You tend to change clothes very often and it looks better than wearing the same white jacket all the time” Even if I felt like he was whining for nothing, I couldn’t deny it was kind of cute _._ “Scarfs are really pretty”

“I would give you my scarf but if I take it out, I would probably catch a cold or die” He didn’t care that we were being seen, he laughed like no one was there. Or, more likely, he didn’t care they were there.

I was definitely jealous.

“So…” I mumbled, after some minutes of silence. “Is everything really… like ok?” He looked at me with calm eyes. Something about the sudden changed of mood and subject made me realize that he was, in fact, avoiding something. It may be something related to work that he doesn’t want to talk about right now. I get that, I feel like I need a break too sometimes.

But even then, his eyes and demeanor weren’t matching perfectly.

“Is nothing you should worry about” I frowned, sighing. “What?”

“I didn’t ask you that” He smiled and nodded, aware of that of course.

“Well” He stutter. “Is it that obvious _now?”_ Not really understanding the context, at least I knew it was obvious now, so I said yes. “Right”

“ _Jeez,_ you need a break of some kind?” I asked, handing him a cigarette. “Do androids… smoke?”

“No, they don’t you idiot” He took the cigarette anyway. “I thought you didn’t smoke anymore”

“It’s been so long since I last had one to be honest” Where did the cigarette go? “But I have them just in case someone needs one, I think”

“ _Pf—”_ It was true tho. “Just in case?”

“I mean, how often do you see people smoking at the police station? I know George and Chris smoke sometimes, even Tina does when she feels bored, so I guess it just became a habit when I quit smoking” He laughed, again, but didn’t say anything bad about it. “What?” So, I didn’t know what was so funny, but wanted to ask.

“You and George weren’t close friends, were you?” I shook my head. “So why bother on giving him a cigarette if he feels stressed?”

“George…” I said, drinking my now, freezing cold soda. “He’s a good guy, I don’t hate him, but I don’t like him either, he has this weird mannerism of a perfectionist that pisses me off” He frowned, putting his hands on the table, again, playing with his fingers.

“I thought I was some kind of perfectionist” He admitted, with a defeated voice. “Is that bad?”

“I mean, who am I to judge anyway” Come to think about it, Nines wasn’t really a perfectionist. “But you are not a perfectionist, I would say you are just… kind of relentless”

“Pardon?” He asked, as if he didn’t know the meaning of it. “How so?”

“The first time I met you I was almost dying, and I remember you introducing yourself as if It was some kind of meeting, I thought to myself after that it was so hilarious and kind of adorable actually”

“Isn’t that just stupid? How is it relentless?” Ah, right.

“I was getting there!” Patient little android. “In the hospital, you got such confidence of doing what you had to do, almost like this force you can’t beat and you have to rely on if you want to live” He opened his eyes, wide open. I laughed a little. “You said that as long as you were there, I was going to be safe, and you were so firm on your words, even when we rescued Tai and everyone else, your acting was on point, you didn’t act sick or disturbed even if you felt like it”

“Well, I almost killed you, don’t forget that”

“But you didn’t” Come on, Nines, give yourself some credits. “Your aim was so good, and your focus was flawless, like _jeez_ man, I was losing strength and stamina and you were there, so well rounded”

“A big part of that is because I’m not human, you know that right” I nodded. “So?”

“I’ve never met an android like you either way” The soda was almost empty. “Fuck that thing about models, for me you are _Nines,_ not some fucking RK900”

And the night was almost over.

He didn’t say anything after that. I continued eating and even ordered a coffee so I wouldn’t freeze to death. For some minutes, we continued staring at each other, not saying anything.

“I was thinking” He broke the silence.

“About the thing you didn’t want to tell me before?” He nodded. “Nice, spit it out”

“Androids tend to be so similar; Connor and I have the same face but different voice, is hilarious if you ask me” He was right, it was so stupid that CyberLife didn’t give them a different face but a different voice. “Even then, everyone is so different, variety is what makes me love to be alive”

“Variety? Why?”

“Looking at everyone at the station talking and exchanging experiences, it’s fascinating to see how the world that we live on flows in different ways, is the same world, the same story, but with such different flavors if you ask me”

“You can’t even eat!” I said laughing. “What are you talking about?”

“Even If I can’t eat, I can recognize the different flavors that everyone has” I heard him giggle. “Yours is pretty special”

“How so?” Here it comes, he’s going to said some stupid shit and I’m going try to hit him but won’t be able to.

“You have a charming effect that others don’t” He said with such confidence it ruined my joke. 

“Sure, for sure…” My burger was almost over. “Now, really, how is my flavor? Do I taste like coffee?”

And this conversation was too.

He looked at me smiling, not saying anything. The silence made me feel awkward, so I grabbed my soda and drank until it was empty. I left it on the table and we both shared a look of “ _ok, we are done, let’s go back”._ Even then, he didn’t move.

“What?” I asked, annoyed. “If you have something to say just say it, it’s kind of weird to see you play the mysterious type of guy now” I stood up hoping that he would follow, and he did.

“Am I not mysterious anyway?” He said behind me. “But I thought you liked it; Detectives likes to solve cases”

I laughed again and accommodate my clothes, putting my hands on my pockets, since the temperature was really low.

It must have been the temperature that made me feel lighter and numb, with this cold… I couldn’t really think twice about what I was feeling. I’ve never laughed like this with Nines before. Even if It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t… normal. But I didn’t comply much.

“I’m not playing games with a smart-ass machine”

I don’t remember being like this with him.

“But I like to play games with you”

Feeling comfortable and safe, for some reason, was making me anxious.

“You’ll always win, that’s not fair”

Specially if it wasn’t Tina, I wasn’t sure if my reactions were normal.

“It’s not a matter of winning, it’s about having fun, Detective”

These days had been so difficult to bear, I think I was just relieved to be far away. When no one knew me, when I had to do one thing. I could be focused on work and nothing more. Maybe that’s why I didn’t think twice… there was nothing else to think about.

“Isn’t it weird for you call me Detective all the time?” I asked, looking at his smiley face. “It’s like calling your friends by their profession; _doctor, nurse, teacher,_ that just sounds weird”

“Have I been promoted to _friend?”_

The dark. It was everywhere. Alaska had an amazing sky vision, but an intense darkness in its streets. I was trying to find a reason of my happiness, of this peace that my heart felt. It was filling me, and… scaring me.

“Just call me Gavin; it doesn’t really matter”

We walked, slowly, in the dark. We knew the way back, but I think we both needed a break. The pace was slow, and in the distance, a lonely house had music going on, barely audible. 

“You like it?” I asked him. “The music”

“I do” He answered. “Do you dance?”

“No way I do” I weakly laughed.

I started moving around, imitating an absurd dance. He giggled in response but joined me. We both were moving our shoulders and head at the rhythm of the song. I tried to follow his pace, but couldn’t. He matched the song perfectly and I was so out of tone.

“You suck at dancing” He said laughing. “And it’s not even real dancing”

“Give me a break, I’m a cop not a dancer” He smiled and stopped with his movements, walking again by my side.

“See? Even I call you _Detective,_ you still don’t remember” I let out a pathetic laugh and he looked at me surprised.

_Come on, Gavin, even he could tell there was something different._

“You look happier tonight”

_Can’t you see?_

“I think I’m just exhausted”

_This isn’t right._

“I’m sorry”

_I tried to find reasons why we shouldn’t enjoy this night._

“Don’t say sorry, dumbass, there’s nothing wrong”

_But the darkness of this city… it made me feel like no one was watching me._

“I was thinking it’s because of what—”

“Don’t” I said, stopping him from finishing that. “Just don’t”

_If there’s someone looking…_

“Alright”

_I want them to stop._

“Then… what is it?”

_I was so exhausted of fighting with my head. So, please give me just this night._

“When I don’t have to be me, I feel great” I said. “If it’s only for this night, it’s alright”

“But you are great all the time” He said, firmly. “If anything, why would you want to be _great_ just one night?” I wasn’t sure If it was innocence. “Let’s make it two”

But his words were endowed by a bit of hope.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about”

_I wanted to hold onto that hope._

“You are the only person that I know quite well, I believe” He said. “We spend so much time together, it’s natural for me to know you”

“Do you?” I asked confused, and honestly intrigued. “What do you know about me?”

“Ask, and I’ll answer” He said, and I looked at him smiling. “It doesn’t really matter; I think I know you more than enough to know that you are… a great guy”

“I think we have spent time with different people all this time” I said laughing, but he didn’t laugh. He stayed quiet. Awfully quiet. “Damn, you get awkward at the weirdest moments”

“I’m sorry” He mumbled, walking faster. “It irritates me”

“Why?” I said, following his pace. “What the fuck”

“I’m not quite sure either” He responded, looking straight forward. “I don’t know, I’m not human”

“You may not be human, but you sure act like one” I said, sighing. “Honestly, what the fuck”

“I don’t like when you treat yourself with… hatred, or talk about yourself in the same way” He said. “I’m sure Officer Cheng thinks the same way” I looked at him, almost triggered when he mentioned Tina’s name. “Am I right?”

“I don’t know what Tina’s thoughts are you know” I whispered. “What’s so great about a guy with dark circles under his eyes?”

“They are quite _charming_ ” He answered without hesitation. “I haven’t seen many humans with your type of face”

“Beauty is on the eyes of the spectator” I said, touching my face. “Damn, I’m cold as fuck” I felt his fingers touching my skin, my cheek. In one second, I felt my face warm. “ _What the fuck”_

“What?” He looked at me confused. “I just wanted to see how cold was your skin”

“Your hand!” I pointed out. “Does it have a fucking heating or what is that?” He laughed and pat my back for some seconds. Even though I was seriously asking.

“You are covered in clothes and you feel cold, that’s cute”

“I guess” I responded, letting out an anxious sigh. “What’s with this bullshit anyway, you are treating me like…” I looked at him to find his eyes already looking at me. Staring, trying to get me. I felt hunted. Once again.

“Like what?”

_It was this type of eyes._

“Nothing”

Brush it off, Gavin. What are you even thinking?

“If you were someone else, I would think you’re trying to flirt with me”

Ironically, in the dark, everything was clearer.

“Am I not?”

And because of that, everything was harder.


	14. So good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aren't androids supposed to be... well, smarter than us?

Dark.

Since the day I was born everything was, without a doubt, dark. I never got to play with my friends on summer, instead I got omens. Working, trying to get my life back. Allowed to exists but denied to feel, not by God, but maybe me. Blurry, putting pieces together to form words. Even then, reading was hard. Emotions flowing and coming down my throat. I felt them demanding to come out.

Hesitant, I couldn’t see anything. What can I do when the only light I have is the moon? Who can I trust? I’m scared everything will crumble. I won’t build a castle, why bother? It’s not like I want to be protected. I don’t want to protect anything; I won’t hide anything. To be fair, I won’t love anything.

I forgot the main reason why I end up like this. Running away from those strings, they were pulling me over, suffocating me to death. As obvious as they might seem, I refused to let them win. Win over my will to stop existing. If I trust them, I’ll end up hurt again.

Rejecting the moon, I went on the hunt for something brighter.

Little did I know, everything around him was bright. The moon raised over and protected him like his son, feeling lost without me, was the light giving me guidance? It wanted me to stay. Once again, hesitant; I didn’t want to trust it. Once again, this freedom was giving me anxiety, questioning If those answers were the ones for me.

“You are not” I mumbled, stepping back and looking away. “We barely know each other, relax”

“Like I said, ask and I’ll answer” He said. Not moving at all. “I know you, why can’t I be in lov—”

 _“You are not”_ I said, putting my hand on his mouth. “Cut it out, we have work to do”

I started walking away, trying to not look back. What was this all about? A big joke? Some sort of message that I couldn’t process correctly? The look on his face… he was _starving_.

The music was getting stronger, I could hear what it said.

“Is that it?” I heard him, approaching me. “You are not going to listen to me? Are you just going to pretend that this didn’t happen?” I stopped and we shared a look for a moment.

_Oh lord, he is starving._

I know how it feels to love someone, how it feels to be over the moon and wanting them all by yourself. I know how it looks like.

He wants me.

“I have nothing to say” But I can’t do this anymore. “Nines, come on, we know each other for like… some months and now you are in love with me?”

The look on his face, and the smile that I saw just a few seconds ago… it vanished.

Could it be that he doesn’t want me? Could it be that he is, in fact, confused? Hoping that he would leave it, I kept walking away, with my hands on my pockets, with my breath drawing some patterns in the sky. Faster, hearing him behind me. Following me, in silence.

_Nothing new to say. That, actually, was new._

The way back to the hotel was different. I came in, and looked back when I notice he wasn’t there. Not in the hall way, not in the stairs. I opened the door, hesitant and confused as to where he would go. This wasn’t Detroit, he didn’t know anyone. Even if he did, could he possibly hide the look on his face?

“I bet you can’t little guy”

At the end everything is new and probably overwhelming, I couldn’t blame him. I had to shut him down. Feelings and emotions made you take risky or stupid decisions, the pain that comes next would be unbearable. This was just one of them for him. If I can help him figure it out it’ll be better.

I can’t feed him or he will jump over me.

“Not sleeping in the same room… that’s quite dramatic” I said lying down in bed, taking off my scarf and gloves. I stared at those for a moment, remembering what he said. “Androids don’t feel cold anyways”

Not every moon raises a new light. I thought, for sure, this was just another one of those nights where the lights went off. It didn’t understand me, and I didn’t need it.

Even if some kind of message was trying to be delivered, I felt numb. Was I the one who was being stupid? After all, he told me androids don’t feel anything. At least, not like humans. Can androids fall in love as fast as a human do? Weren’t androids supposed to be… well. Smarter than us?

“Take it easy little guy…” Let’s try again. “I know it feels so good, but it’ll hurt so bad”

***

I heard a knock on my door. Quite persistent, it pissed me off. I got up and opened it, seeing Lara and Nines standing there, looking at me with angry eyes. I got chills pretty quickly. I put on my brightest “I have been up for several minutes” smile.

“What the fuck are you doing sleeping?” But I didn’t work. “We were supposed to leave five minutes ago, are you joking kiddo?” Said Lara, in a pretty different tone than yesterday.

“Okay…” I mumbled, taking my hands to my face. “Great terminator, thank you for nothing” I said pissed at Nines, who was standing there, with a very monotone face. He could’ve woken me up for this shit and he didn’t do it.

 _Not like humans,_ my ass. He is still angry with me for last night. I thought androids were more patient and resilient. Less childish and more logical. But no. He stared at me with a monotone expression, didn’t even blink once.

I took the key and grabbed my gun, leaving the room following Lara and Nines from behind.

“Lara you were so kind yesterday, what happened?” I said joking, but she just stared at me with such hatred I was almost scared.

“I only have pity on strangers if they suffer from something, not to kids who fall asleep” I rolled my eyes and let out a deep sigh.

“Nines didn’t do shit; he could’ve knocked my door or—”

“I wasn’t there Detective” He said, in an annoying monotone voice. “I thought humans had common sense, how surprising”

“Boys, settle down” I heard Lara cutting out Nines, putting her hand on his back. “It doesn’t matter anymore; we have work to do”

We left the hotel and drove to Lara’s office in the FBI. Everything looked so much professional than ours, and that made me feel like I was on some higher leagues. Kind of excited, I stared at everything around me, the offices and the level of technology was, by far, pretty advance. _Maybe I, too, was kind of childish._

“Follow me” Said Lara interrupting my dreams, pressing the bottom for the elevator to come. “Stop that” I didn’t even know that she saw me touching the walls and his smooth finish. “What are you doing?”

“The wall is smooth” Both Nines and Lara looked at me as if I was saying some kind of nonsense. “What?”

We arrived at a lonely office with beautiful views of the snow and the city. You could tell it was pretty far away from the city, not enough to be in the middle of nowhere, but it was still very pretty.

“Now this is beautiful” I said, smiling at the view. “The FBI sure knows how to build shit”

“Detective Gavin come here”

I went and sat down next on the table, saying goodbye to the view. Lara projected some images on the screen upon us and looked at me. “I assume you know Elijah Kamski”

“Not at all” I said, and she frowned. _“What?”_

“I think you know he is the creator of androids, right?” I nodded. “Good, then you know him”

“I don’t know him personally” I said looking at Kamski’s hair. “What a weird ponytail”

“We asked him to come for an interview and he agreed, his lawyers will be present and we are going to ask him directly about the Cosmo’s chip, and obviously inform him of the warrant to search for it on his laboratory”

“Wow…” I said, and Nines looked at me. “So fast, what the hell?”

“We deduced yesterday that Kamski does _not_ know of the existence of the Cosmo’s chip, but he sure knows the creator of it”

Yesterday? When?

“And who is the creator?” They shook their head. “Then why do you think he knows them?”

“The Cosmo’s chip is made of the same technology as androids, if that wasn’t the case we would detect at least any abnormality, but most of the androids who were targeted in the hospital said that their program detects their chip as an _extension_ , which means they had to use not only the same tools, but the same database” She said. “Since the FBI were in charge of the interviews of the androids once Connor and Nines inform us of the chip’s danger—”

“What?” I asked, looking at Nines. “When was that?”

“The day where I went looking from you, I had already informed Captain Fowler and he informed the FBI” I felt kind of stupid considering this was also my case. “Any questions?”

“Apart from controlling androids like toys, what else can it do?” I said standing up and looking at the zoomed image of it. “It’s so small…”

“The size is what confuses most of us” Said Lara, staring at it. “It has so much power inside of it… one would think that much coding require a bigger compartment” I looked at her and notice how, apart from her looks, she looked even more muscular than me. “If it works like a virus it must be one of a kind”

“Unless It doesn’t really have the information inside” I whispered. “Think about it, the form of this chip is a pathetic cage, almost like a battery” I looked at Nines and he looked at me. “You have it, can’t you say anything that is useful?”

“If I had something, I would say it” He said, again, in the same monotone tone as before. “Why don’t you say something useful?”

“We know that the chip is controlled manually” I rolled my eyes, ignoring him. “Nines hasn’t acted or do anything out of the ordinary” I looked at Lara. “The only thing that was unusual was the day he got shot in the hospital, there was a little bomb in there”

Nines nodded. “It wasn’t really an earthquake like I thought back then; it was an induced movement, just like the news says, it was some kind of bomb, not lethal enough to destroy the hospital”

“Speaking of waves” I approached Nines and ask him to stand up and showed me where he got shot. He took off his jacket and shirt to show us the place. “The wound looks like a permanent scar”

“Androids don’t have scars… we don’t have skin like humans” I nodded at Lara, and she nodded back. “Right”

“It may not be a scar but more like a _wave_ of some kind that couldn’t expand at the whole body”

I looked at Nines and he stared at me. “You really have something useful in your brain”

“The scar on Nines’ skin is similar to a spider web, is pretty different from bullets” I took my shirt and picked it up for Lara, so we could see the difference. “These ones just look awful” Lara approached me and looked at it for long enough to make me uncomfortable. “I believe it depends on the model of the android that was targeted, because the other androids… do we have the photos?” I covered my scars again, and she stepped back.

Nines nodded and stood up to find them and project them.

“There” I said pointing at the android’s body, one of the targets at the hospital. “She got the same chip as well, but hers was different” I approached the image and zoomed in more. “Her _scar_ is so small, almost like nothing”

“That could mean the implantation was effective” Said Lara and I nodded. “That makes sense”

“It’s one theory though, don’t marry it” I mumbled and sat down again. “When Kamski comes around, we can get some more information”

“Speaking of the devil”

We heard the elevator opening up and walked to encounter a female android, blonde and with a blue dress. “Are you Lara?” She nodded. “Elijah Kamski is here”

I stared at the women in the blue dress for quite a while until she vanished. There was something about her that made me feel… uneasy. It could be her face; she had the most perfect and symmetrical face I’ve ever seen. Or maybe it was the fact that she was the most robotic android that I’ve seen in such a long time. That monotone voice, monotone movements. It was so different than Nines, for example.

Lara followed her and went down on the elevator. Leaving Nines and I alone.

_Well, shit._

“Were you really with Lara at 3am?” He didn’t respond and I let out big sigh. “Nines?”

“It appears I did” He said, going back to the table and sitting down.

I had the sensation of being trapped in a cage full of snakes. I didn’t know if they were hungry, but better off not mess with them.

Even when he was clearly ignoring me, I felt his presence as a threat.

I sat down on one of the chairs that was in the entrance, next to the elevator. I looked at him, awkward and kind of pissed. I wasn’t a big fan of drama queens, since tragedy had come for me in different ways, I didn’t tolerate lower strings for those who are just weak. The attitude of Nines was really getting on my nerves. I wanted to punch his face and at the same time, ask him if it hurts.

“Why are you mad, honestly?” I whispered, resting on the chair. “Sometimes the truth isn’t what we want to hear… and that’s just fine”

I didn’t even have time to look back when I felt the chair moving. When I managed to look back, I saw him in the eye, and _oh boy_. He was outrageously _mad._

_“The next time you ask me if I’m mad just think about being left alone in the fucking dark without any explanations or a chance to say nothing”_

Who was this man?

“Nines—”

I didn’t recognize him.

“I don’t want to play this game of being an asshole with you, I fucking hate it”

And I think he didn’t recognize me either.

“Then don’t…”

The look of _pain_ in his face, I could taste it. I could feel it.

“I could stay all night long telling you all my secrets…”

I was correct, this was overwhelming.

“…but you’re not going to tell me yours”

He didn’t know how to handle it.

“Is it because I can’t give you everything you need?”

The secrets that were being kept in his eyes were trying to pull me in, suffocate me and drown me in his voice.

“Is there something wrong with me?”

If anything, it’s always because of me.

“No, there isn’t” I whispered, trying to look away, but feeling his eyes staring at me. It consumed me. “There’s nothing wrong with you”

“You were the one who said that androids did feel something” I heard him. He took a step back and held my hands, tight. “Why are you being so cruel then?”

The feeling of being consumed… it wasn’t bad. But it was pretty confusing. I couldn’t see anything clearly. I felt pure chaos. His eyes were trying to tell me something, and words were trying to come out. Like a child waiting for his mother, he was lost. Hopeful for someone to hear him. Helpless at the words that I didn’t know how to say.

_“I’m sorry”_

I didn’t know how to phrase them.

“I can’t”

I didn’t know how to confront him.

“Why?”

I didn’t know what was the truth.

“You won’t understand”

And I was sure he didn’t know either.

“Try me”


	15. The wolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's this man?

“Try me” I heard, softly, in my hears.

Once the look on his eyes disappear, my heart felt an intense pain. As if someone took it and squeeze it. I almost choke on the words that I wanted to say, it was painful to see this. The amount of love and despair that his eyes communicate felt like a punch in the guts. Lost and stressed, I didn’t say anything, I didn’t know how to phrase the words that my heart wanted to puke.

He stepped back and went directly to the table, again, sitting down saying nothing. The drastic change was so sudden it made me even more anxious. 

Gavin, think about it. He’s impatient and wants answers. Was that night the answers he wanted? Was it the first time someone hold him like that? Hug him and listen to him? Or, was I just too naïve? Was he trying before? To have my attention? I didn’t notice. Not once. I was too busy trying to shut down, the kindness or love slipped out from my gaze.

“Nines” I mumbled, but he didn’t move. “Since—”

“They’re coming” And in a matter of seconds, we heard the elevator near us, coming in.

His face went back to normal.

I looked at the door and saw five new people coming in. Four of them had suits and one, Elijah Kamski, had one lame hipster look.

“Sorry for the wait, everything here looks surreal I wanted to have a mini tour first” Nines stood up and he smiled, going directly to him. The look on this ponytail’s man was so amazed and surprised, as if he had never seen an android before. “An RK900, how amazing you are”

“Thank you, sir” Nines responded in the same monotone voice as always.

_It was then, that something occurred to me._

“I read somewhere that you’re the only model of your kind, you must be one of the best intelligences CyberLife ever created”

That monotone voice… Have I really heard it before?

“Mister Kamski, if you would please”

The amount of emotion that Nines showed me was one that didn’t really show to anyone else.

“Of course, let’s go”

I was, once again, too busy _looking at me._

Lara, Nines and everyone else entered to a very large room with glass walls. This, however, was very thick. It looked like it was bullet proof. We sat down and Lara put the folder on the table, the one with all the information we have recovered about the Cosmo’s chip. Kamski looked at it and immediately smiled at us.

“I feel like I’m in movie” He said giggling and we smiled back. Awkwardly. “So…”

“Mister Kamski” Lara started talking, interrupting this guy’s monologue. “Let’s start with some basic questions, shall we?” He nodded in response. “Remember that I can detect lies easily, so please don’t bother in delaying this interrogation more than it should be”

“I know” He nodded, trying not to laugh. “I remember creating you” The size of this guy’s balls was unmeasurable.

“Good” She opened the folder and Nines and I looked at her, waiting for a chance to say something when the time comes. “What knowledge do you have about the incidents of the Detroit’s downtown hospital?”

“The attack of the androids?” We nodded. “Not much really, what’s on the news, that 2 people came in and targeted androids with guns, exploded what seems to be a bomb, and inserted some kind of chip, but that’s it” He said, looking at the folder. “I thought it was weird that It took place in a hospital” 

“Weird?” Nines asked, staring at Kamski with a gentle expression. I could tell Lara was the bad cop, and Nines was the good cop. By that logic, I felt like a spectator.

“Isn’t it cruel and heartless to attack the gentlest of androids? Nurses, and auxiliars, those models dedicated to the medical area are the ones that I enjoyed the most creating” He really considered himself the father of those androids.

How amusing.

“If you could please read the information on this folder related to the Cosmo’s chip…” Said Lara, pointing at the folder with her eyes. Kamski grabbed the folder and started reading for some minutes. We didn’t have much information anyway.

Nines was playing with his fingers under the table, and Lara was staring at the wall of glass. It appeared to be one chill interrogation to say the less. Kamski seemed to be, apart from weird, pretty collaborative with us. At least right now.

“When you say _controlling,_ what exactly can this little thing do to androids?” Nines searched trough the papers until he found Tai’s case.

“We were assigned a case back then in Detroit of a programmer named Yahir Hernández, he ran a prostitution network of androids controlled by the beta of the chip” He stated. “In his own words, this chip was made in your laboratory, and the final version must be in there too”

“I see” He whispered, looking down at the table. “What exactly can this little thing do?” He repeated, waiting for an answer.

“Right, sorry” I said, interrupting Nines. “Every android that was enslaved in the prostitution network was awake, they had consciousness” I searched for the pictures of some of them, for him to see. “Even then, they couldn’t talk nor act at will”

“Controlling is a strong word to use, especially when you are talking about my androids” He looked at me with concerned eyes, sighing. “I always let a way out for them to go, it’s strange that even with much time, they weren’t able to escape”

“I thought so too” Nines admitted. “I was awake after the revolution, by Markus himself” It was the first time I heard Nines talking about how he woke up. “I never got to experience seeing the exit by myself”

“I did” Stated Lara, with no expression whatsoever. “What’s your point mister Kamski?”

“It could be some kind of AI that’s implanted into the android’s consciousness that blocked them to see what’s actually going on”

“No sir” Nines denied, shaking his head. “I proved the memories of the androids and every one of them could remember the sexual abuse, they can see and are aware of what’s happening, but can’t do anything about it”

“If that’s the case” He looked at one man in a suit and asked him to pass on his lap top. Once he had it on his hands, he left it on the table. “Let me show you how the nervous system of the androids work”

He presented a long-ass document of about 1000 pages. “Is this just for the nervous system?” He nodded. “Right” And my jaw dropped.

“The neurotransmitters of androids can’t be sedated easily, the only way to block those senses is to kill the android, make him go to survival mode and let them self-destruct, or somehow re create the core of the system and implant it on the androids to re program themselves”

“The last one makes more sense to be honest” I mumbled and Lara nodded as well. “When you say core, what are you referring to?”

“Well, I worked with Yahir Hernández in the past, he was there when the first android was published but leave when he got into a fight with his boss,” Is he not the boss? “he knew exactly where we were taking the information to create the core of the android, the _future reading_ of the androids”

_Hah._

“The prospective we have when we make decisions, is that what you mean?” Nines asked and he nodded. “That’s not future reading, that’s logic and probabilities”

“Oh, it sure is future reading” He said, looking on his lap top for something else. “Trojan, have you ever wondered why every time you go to sleep you can picture some future scenarios based on the information you have?” Lara shook her head, confused. “RK800 is the best example of future reading”

“Please elaborate, I’m confused” Nines continued with the painful expression on his face, trying to understand what he meant.

“You may have it too” He stated. “When you go to a crime scene, you can reconstruct what happened, right?” Nines nodded. “That’s logic and probabilities, Forensics do the same” He waved his hand on the air, disregarding their effort. “But what most androids don’t realize is that, when they spent enough time studying something or someone, they can predict what will happen with them as well, that’s not logic, Trojan, I’m sure you’ve been there too”

“Ah…” She looked distressed. “I still don’t think that’s future reading” He giggled victorious, founding something on his computer.

Something that I knew what was it.

“This, Trojan, is what I’m talking about”

How convenient.

“What is this?” They both looked at some documents with pictures.

Pictures of my brain.

“Never wonder why you are the most intelligent creature on earth? This human right here” He pointed at the pictures. “Is the only known human with the ability of reading the future, and this human was crucial in the making of androids, on the same verse, Yahir knew about this human since he was part of the creation of androids, this information was stolen, used to create probably a new software that could overpass the current one, and block them”

_What a chill interrogation._

“So…” Lara whispered. “Why didn’t Yahir created the final version and implanted it on the androids who were prostituted?” He shook his head. “You’re lying mister Kamski”

“Well…” He mumbled, suddenly a little bit more self-conscious. “I don’t think it was Yahir, he wasn’t that brilliant, he just stole the beta, because he didn’t know how else improve it”

“I’m pretty positive this is what we are dealing with” Nines said, confident. “I have one myself, I was one of the victims that day” Kamski’s expression was one I would never forget.

_Absolute fear._

“You?”

“Yes”

“An RK900 in a possible maniac state? Are you all aware of the danger we are all currently?” We all looked at each other, but didn’t say anything. “What’s your name?”

“Nines, sir” He sighed and shook his head slowly. “I can assure you it comes as an improvement of the software, that’s why I’m positive we are dealing with someone so much worse than a pimp, someone smarter than him”

“Nines” Kamski whispered, almost hiding it. “You shouldn’t be here” But Nines frowned in confusion. “We don’t know _who_ is listening”

I think that was the moment we all looked at each other with fear. Not just Kamski. It never occurred to me that, if this thing was manually controlled, Nines could be watching our every move.

“Do you think this is controlled manually?” I asked, and he nodded. “How so?”

“The size” He responded, keeping his answer short and low. “It’s unusual for that much information”

“Right” Lara interrupted the moment and turning her hand white, touched Nines’ forehead and he straight out passed out. “Now”

“ _What the fuck”_ And there I was, looking at Nines with closed eyes, sitting in a chair. “Is he okay?”

“He is” Kamski said, staring at him. “Trojan—”

“Lara” How annoying.

“Lara” He continued. “Ask me if I have anything to do with the Chip, I need to be cleared”

She frowned but didn’t deny the suspicious she had on him. To be honest, everything he was saying fit perfectly on the story that we were creating. It could be that, if Nines was present, he knew exactly what to say. But saying _I need to be cleared,_ is really risky if you want to do something evil. Or at least built a charade.

It could be a master mind, or an ambitious mind.

“Did you create the Cosmo’s chip?”

“No”

“Did you help creating the Cosmo’s chip?”

“No”

“Did you know about the creation of the Cosmo’s chip?”

“No”

“Do you know who created the Cosmo’s chip?”

“No”

Silence.

“That’s a lie”

“Well, I have my suspicions” He mumbled, taking a deep breath. “The one person who gave me this information is, I think, the clue to get to the creator himself”

“Who gave you this information?”

He looked at Nines again, staring at him, fearful of whenever he was truly disconnected or not. He grabbed his lap top and type in on a blank document two names.

_Ethan Cheng and Levón Blumstein._

Lara and I shared a look for some large minutes, before Kamski said anything else. “You have to believe me”

“I want to believe you” She said. “But you are heart is not letting me”

“Is he lying?” I asked, also curious as to how Ethan Cheng was a lie.

“I can’t tell if he is, or he is just extremely _scared”_

“It could be both” I said, genuinely confused. “Who gave you the information for the core of the androids?”

“This person” He said, pointing at Ethan’s name.

“Who’s the second person?” He stayed quiet, and type some more.

_The co-creator of Cyberlife._

“Is he alive?” He nodded. “Do you think we can go look for him?” He shook his head. “Why?”

He typed again. _I don’t know where he is._

“Do you think he is the creator of the Chip?”

He nodded.

“Do you think the first person has something to do with it?”

He nodded.

“Is the first person helping the second person willingly?”

He shook his head.

And after that, he wasn’t willing to talk anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for keeping y'all waiting. Like i said before, i got a loooot of chapters already, but since i keep making changes, this one had to be almost re write it enterely and it was HELL! but, i made it, and so happy about how it turned out.


	16. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While ones are hiding, others are craving the spotlight. Playing tricks, streamlining memories. "Am I gaslighting myself?"

There’s nothing wrong with me. While my mind was keeping some of his secrets, deep inside, I knew what they were. I’ve witnessed madness, cruelty, and pain. I know where you have been. The thing is, I don’t know if you cause this. I don’t know if you were dragged by this. If I find you, will you tell me? I don’t know where to go. Did you want to see me? If so, where did you go? Did you leave any trace somewhere?

If my mind is playing tricks on me, then yes, there’s something wrong with me. But for now, I need to think for you.

After the interrogation we turned on Nines again and he admitted to something that we didn’t really like.

“I could hear the entire time”

So, we felt pretty _stupid_.

In any case, the names of the suspects were left out of Nines’ knowledge, even if he could easily sneak out and read them, he promised not to and just follow me to protect me. It was kind of a no-professional agreement, but we worked it out.

We talked with Kamski about the warrant to search his laboratory with information of the Chip and he agreed. Even if he wasn’t willing to talk about Levón or Ethan, we understood it was out of extreme fear or something else. At least, that’s what Lara shared with me. If anything, I was sure Levón was scariest. Ethan wasn’t really the mental type. At least not that I remember.

Am I gaslighting myself?

“This laboratory has been abandoned since the new CEO of CyberLife decided that this small place wasn’t enough for her” I heard Kamski say, with new people now by his and our side. “Open it, please” He asked one of them. “You’ll see that’s pretty dirty, my apologies, I haven’t been here for quite a while”

“It doesn’t matter” Nines responded, waiting by my side. Taking his role as my -or our- protector very seriously -mostly mine if I’m being honest-. 

The doors opened and we enter the laboratory. Even if Kamski said it was “small” I couldn’t even get a grind of everything that was going on. There were wires everywhere, an odd smell of Thirium, and a lot of weird ass machines. I looked at Kamski and he looked at me too. He smiled and I rolled my eyes back at everything else.

“Okay, team, except Nines, reunite” Said Lara, and other Detectives came closer. “We are looking for any sign of the suspects written on your folders, if these suspects are nowhere to be found, look for information about the Cosmo’s chip, any damage done to the machines will be our responsibility, so better not touch anything like a toddler, act your age” We all nodded, and I almost laughed at Lara’s tone of voice. “I’ll stay with Detective Rios accompanying Kamski during our research, have _fun,_ and don’t forget to put on your gloves _”_

Some laughed and some others, like Nines and I, didn’t. Even though Lara’s voice cracked me up.

I followed Nines, looking around the place. The other Detectives started walking through the laboratory, some enter the most obvious places where androids were mounted, and some others decided to go upstairs right away.

Everyone had a copy of the Cosmo’s chip data that we had available right now, including the name of “Ethan Cheng and Levón Blumstein” as the main subject of relevance. We needed to find something related to either of them. I felt stupid not telling them exactly what I knew about him, but I felt an enormous _desire_ of finding him myself, and, being honest, I was scared of giving explanations. It was my case, and it was my junk. I wanted to take care of it with my bare hands.

Judging by the role of Ethan in this company, I tried to find an office, or anything that looked like one. I had a suspicion that Ethan didn’t do _shit_ for the AI of the androids, even if he had some kind of skills in that area, those weren’t as good as Kamski’s or the others. His main intentions weren’t the androids, it was Tina’s mother.

“It’s difficult to see you doing things and not being able to help” Nines whispered and I looked at him. He was lost like a puppy and wanted to play a little. “I can’t believe I’m bored” Am I supposed to entertain him? 

“Want me to tell you a story?” I mumbled, putting my gloves on and opening a very traditional door. Every other one was white or even blue, but this one was made of wood. “About my life?” I heard Nines’ steps, following me.

“Of course,” When I opened it, I saw mops and cleaning supplies, nothing out of the ordinary. “Go ahead”

“Did you know I ran away from home when I was young?” I closed the door and started walking away.

“When?”

“At 16” I mumbled, looking at a pair of Detectives in a closer room that grabbed my attention, so I kept going, looking around. “Some dude found me homeless and about to die, literally next to a dumpster, he took pity and gave me a home” I spotted stairs that went down and up. “Life wasn’t really a fairytale”

Knowing Ethan, he didn’t like anyone to see what he was up to, so I went downstairs. Intuition, but in this scenario, it was better to trust my guts. After all, it’s _him_ who we are talking about.

“You are really full of surprises” I nodded while walking downstairs, where the smell of _abandoned_ place was filling my lungs and making me cough. “But why?”

“My mother was an abusive crazy human being and I ran away from that” I mumbled, disgusted by the odor. It amazed me how this place had this atmosphere and was also responsible of the first ever androids. “One day…” I said spotting some computers that looked pretty traditional to be here. “I just wasn’t going to stay there waiting to get killed”

“I’m sorry, I know I’m bored but if you don’t want to—"

“It’s not like I’m hiding it” I looked at him and gave him a smile, one that could -probably- comfort him. “It just doesn’t come natural to a random conversation except, maybe, this one” 

“This one is very random either way” I giggled in response, because indeed, it was.

“I mean… you’re not a random person, that’s what I’m saying”

He smiled.

There were lots of computers and lots of notes glued to almost every single place. I didn’t believe for one second that Ethan worked here with everyone else. “The boss” I mumbled, and looked around to try see if there was a hidden door or something that guide me to any other room.

I started moving books, pencils, opening drawers, trying to see if there was a hidden entrance somewhere.

“If I knew who we are looking for, I could detect DNA easily” He said, looking around the office for some kind of information, but tried to stayed focus on me. 

“I mean… yeah, obviously” He nodded without saying nothing, just standing there, quiet, with his eyes wide open.

After a while, of me trying to find something in there, and him standing there in silence, he interrupted the peace saying:

“Have you… fall in love before?” He said, calm, and I gasped abruptly. “What?”

“Damn, you go straight up to the facts” I let out a weak laugh and he smiled back, clenching his fists, looking away. We had this mutual understanding of being in an awkward position, trying to stay focus on work, but unable to ignore each other’s presence. It may have something to do with me not knowing how to treat someone that like me, and the weakness of my heart for the pretty face that saw me for who I was. “And yes, I’ve been in love before, once”

I didn’t want to see his face, because the only thing I could imagine was him with a sad expression on his face. Worst case scenario, can androids feel jealousy?

“When?” He seemed to not care.

“Weeks after I ran away from home” I mumbled, biting my lip, moving some notes that were on one desk. Reading them. “He was one year older than me”

“I see” Silence. “Did it end well?”

“He died”

“Oh”

Sorry man, I’m not trying to make it more awkward, but if you look deep into my life, you’ll see that anything ends well for me.

“I’m sorry to hear that” I nodded, taking one of the boxes that Lara gave us to take any evidence we thought might help. These notes had multiples numbers of a lot of people, who could know something about Levón or Ethan.

“I told you it’s complicated, my love life”

“I understand” He whispered, standing still, little far away from me. “It’s the same for me, I guess”

“Did your ex-lover die?” He shook his head. “Ah, you mean complicated…”

“Yeah” I nodded in disbelief of my social skills. “Being an android has too many flaws referring into love”

“For example?” I asked, not giving it more thought.

“I can’t give everything _that a human desire_ ” He answered, matter of fact. “I don’t _have_ everything like humans do”

“Everything?” I couldn’t help but looked back at him, almost feeling the hint. “What are you talking about?”

“Well” He smiled, gently. “I can’t please humans, can I?”

“Wha—”

“Nines” I heard Lara, coming downstairs. “I need you to help me carry some boxes, could you please come upstairs?”

“Sure”

He left.

“What the fuck” Does he thinks the reason why I don’t like him, is because I can’t have sex with him? “Who do you think I am? What is going on…” I said, stretching a little.

With everything said and done, I had to get back to work. If a lot of people had access to the beta of this chip, there must be something on the computers. So, not sitting in the chairs in case it could be useful to know who sat there, I proceeded to examinate the data saved.

Lost in my thoughts and the examination, I didn’t realize it was time to go. Within 3 hours approximately I found information about Yahir Hernández -even if it wasn’t a major suspect-, Levón Blumstein and _my brain._

“Where the fuck is Ethan?” But nothing of him. I took my phone and sent a message to Lara, asking for help to examinate the data of every computer downstairs, since I couldn’t make far than 2. She responded immediately saying that she would ask a team of detectives to come take the computers and bring them to a full examination. 

“Right” I whispered, stretching some more. I heard footsteps approaching and soon saw Nines coming. I looked at him and realized he was curious about a dream catcher hung on the celling, touching It. “Stop” I mumbled laughing, and he looked at me like a child being scolded.

“I’m sorry” He said, and I turned my back on him.

“I contacted Lara to get these out of here” 

“Right” He responded, smiling. Me, on the other hand, remembered what he said before and had the urge to prove him wrong. But I didn’t know how.

“Nines, about what you said before…” I mumbled. “There’s something you need to know”

I looked at him for a response and found his eyes pitch black, scaring the shit out of me, stepping back, gasping a little. I could see a lot of data being processed through his eyes, what appeared to be numbers or letters were passing through his eyes. The light of the LED was red and not moving at all.

“ _Hey!”_ I screamed confused and scared, seeing how he was blinking desperate, grabbing his head and looking around the room, as if he was searching for something. I shook his shoulders and repeated his name, anxiously, trying to figure out if that helped in any way.

“Nines!” I said, shaking him even harder, trying to wake him up or help him fight whatever was happening to him. “Nines! _What is it?”_ His eyes and body were turning white, like that night in the hotel where his hand turned the same color. He spotted me, looking with his pitch-black eyes in my direction, almost certain that it was almost over, I sighed in relief. “Nine—”

I didn’t know I could _fear_ for my life, but in that moment, the empty voids that were in his eyes woke my survival instincts and made me step back immediately. He appeared to be looking at me, but he didn’t do or say anything.

“Gavin” He mumbled. Right when I was going to respond I felt my neck being hold with such strength… I was sure it was going to come off. My feet stopped touching the floor, and my hands tried to get him off. But I couldn’t. It was as if his entire strength was focused on that single hand. I looked at him in the eye, feeling tears coming out my eyes, I realized tears were coming out from his as well.

I wanted to scream, but my lungs were out of energy. 

_I’m going to die._

“N—”

My vision started to fade and my hands were losing any sign of touch. I couldn’t feel anything.

_“Agh—”_

I didn’t want to end like this.

_“Wake up, ple—”_

I felt the life coming off my body and heart beats resounding in my ears. Pleading and trying to catch my breath, I was so scared. His expression was monotone, but tears were coming out of his face. I could tell, right away, that this android wasn’t Nines.

This machine that was in front me was one that I didn’t recognize. My hands were trying to touch his face, make any contact that could wake him up, but I couldn’t.

I felt myself going.

_“Wak—”_

All my life wishing to be dead, now it’s not the time.

_“Nine—”_

I need to live.

My eyes were giving in, but he was giving up. Not knowing when, he let go and his skin went back to normal. I fell to the ground, trying to catch my breath and coughing for the suffocation. My body was so heavy, I couldn’t move properly. Trying to make sure I wasn’t a threat in case he was in survival mode, again, I crawled under one of the desks and was prepared to take my gun out.

“Please I don’t wanna shot you” I let out weakly, almost bawling for the enormous _fear_ of being killed. “Please, just wake up, I don’t wanna shot you”

Seconds passed until he saw me and was able to formulate words.

“Gavin, I—" He said, in a very anxious tone, shaking and looking around, completely lost. “We need to go back or—” He was trying to say, hearing in his voice an extremely different tone. There was Nines’ voice, and there was a straight out robotic one. “We need to go back”

“Fine, okay…” I said, not really knowing if I could trust him right now since he looked unstable still. He started walking downstair and I followed him through, taking my gun out and trying to wipe my tears. Sensing what happened, I could tell this was the _chip._

We started running through the hall and encounter Lara talking to Kamski, who appeared to be having a very harmonic conversation.

“Lara we ha—”

Nines collapsed and Kamski stepped back. Lara ran to help Nines stand up and tried to look at his face, but he was avoiding eye contact. “What is happening?”

“Lara, we have to go” Said Nines, trying to sound as calm as possible, making Lara confused of his expression and voice, robotic and painful. “This hurt” He let go of us and stood up, trying to calm down. Her eyes opened confused but supporting, nodding and putting one finger on her LED. Communicating to the other Detectives, she informed them of the current situation.

His expression was surely breaking me. It appeared to be a nightmare in front of his eyes, and he was trying to fight it. I could tell he was losing, but he was resisting the aftermath. His hands were shaking and his eyes were lost in the fight. Being inappropriate was my forte, but this charade that I have built wasn’t enough.

I’ve had enough.

“Nines” I said, taking off my gloves and grabbing his hand, tight. “It’s okay” I whispered and Lara looked away. I came face to face with Nines, looking at his eyes, trying to make eye contact with him. He didn’t want to see me, ashamed of what happened. Even then, I needed him to know that he was strong, resilient and pretty intelligent. He was capable of facing this.

“Nines”

“I could have killed you” He said, firmly, but seeing his eyes filling with tears. “I could have broken your neck”

“But you didn’t”

I let go his hand and he looked at me right away, craving for someone to look at him. I could tell he wasn’t ready to talk, but needed someone to be there. I put both of my hands on his face and rested my forehead on his, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes. “I told you that as long as I’m here you’ll be safe too, please believe me”

“How can you say that when you were terrified?”

“Humans are resilient machines too”

He didn’t say anything but nodded in response. I stepped back and, now, he made eye contact with me.

Good _._

If he needed to look at something to feel in control, _it might as well be me._

Lara came to us and asked if we were ready to leave, I nodded and she opened the door to take us out. We got in the car as quickly as possible, leaving the other Detectives alone to inspection the laboratory and take the computers. We saw Kamski at the entrance, sitting down on his car with a coffee on his hands. His lawyers were right next to him, mumbling some things.

“I can hear them” Whispered Nines to me, while our car started to run. “I can hear everything”

“Take it easy, don’t listen to anyone now” I said, placing my hand on his, grabbing it tighter. “Just stay here, don’t listen” He nodded clumsily, as if he was new to this movement. Like a machine copying what a human does. 

While Lara drove us to the office, Nines stayed quiet looking down the floor, at his feet. I had this urge inside my chest to know what was happening inside his head, what was he seeing that I wasn’t? His eyes, lost, but craving affection. In my eyes, at least, he needed that attention. 

“I’m trying to stop it” He mumbled, while his LED went orange and red as fast as Lara’s driving.

“I can’t take it anymore”

Lara and I looked at each other, stopping the car immediately.

“Lara, prove my memory, now” I didn’t know what to think, but the look on his face was one that I would never forget. I had never seen Nines cry like this, not even in the hotel. He was _desperate_. Almost begging for his life. “ _Now!”_

Lara opened the door and came face to face with Nines, grabbing his hand and proving his memory. As soon as his eyes went white and his other hand reached mine, I didn’t waste no time to reached for his hand and hold it tight. I could feel his strength going off, and with time, I didn’t feel anything.

He passed out.

“Nines!” I screamed, feeling my throat hurting from the enormous desperation of seeing his body completely lifeless. “Nines! Nines!” 

“You won’t wake him up” Lara said, concerned as well but putting her hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me down. “We need to get there, now…”

She got into the car and started running through the avenue.

I put Nines’ head on my legs, letting him lay on the backseat while I try to wake him up, touching his face and hair. I focused on the LED on his face, trying to see if the color went back to orange or blue. I knew that red was a terrible omen for any android. I didn’t want it to be Nines’ too.

“Come on…” I mumbled, giving him pats on his chest, absolutely clueless of any methods to revive androids. _“Lara”_

“I know, I’m going as fast as I can” She said, trying to remain calm. I could tell even she was freaking out, or at least very concerned. “This is the chip, when we get there, you’ll see what he saw” That captured my attention, and I hold onto Nines’ body hoping that I could understand anything at all. “I have to inform the police department in Detroit as well” 

“I won’t lose you” I let out unconsciously, thinking out loud. Not really listening to what she said. “You better not give up on me either, you—”

_Like always, this was what I needed_

“Stupid tin can”

_For me to see the sun, I needed the moon to come around._


	17. Cry baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He needs to listen more.

I think I’ve talk too much. Feeling overwhelmed, thinking that no one will ever understand. Never listening to what he has to say, I end up not knowing anything. And what exactly would I know anyway? If every time someone appears in my face, I close my eyes.

I remember that night and the look on his face. It will never go away. Helpless and probably so mad. Trying to speak but being shut down by my selfishness and most certainly, my fear. I wonder, what were you thinking? What did you want to say? How were you going to say it? If you knew me so well, did you know about my fears? Were you waiting for me? To open like you did.

I think you did.

I think you managed to understand that my few relationships weren’t because of my personality. I was trying so hard to shut down any emotions that came out of me, feeling more for someone else was frightening. Being honest, feeling anything at all is frightening.

I convinced myself that you didn’t love me because convincing myself of my own mistakes was harder. I could tell. And I was so cruel.

I could tell you love me; your eyes didn’t lie. But if I can’t face me, how could I face the chance of me falling in love with you? If I were to fall in love again, this time it would break me. This time it would tear me apart. I’ve been trying to put myself together for so long, I don’t think I would be able to endure it. I’m not strong enough to keep you from hurting, I’m sorry.

_I lied._

The pain, the confusion, the helplessness, the _fear_. Once it comes, it never goes away. Now I can’t ask you, but if I could, I would.

“Come on…” I don’t want to fight. “You need to come back” I will listen. “We need to talk” I will stay. “We’ve got things to say” I will let you in. “So, you better hurry”

Lara drove us to another direction, different from last time. The snow was covering the whole place, it was small and not really glamorous from outside, but I could tell it was pretty well protected. It appeared to be something from the military, but I didn’t really know what kind of building was it. It’s not like I asked anyway.

Lara took Nines and, without effort, she grabbed him like a doll. I felt pretty weak since Nines’ body was extremely heavy for me. At least when he was “sleeping”.

I got out the car and followed Lara from behind. The place was surrounded by soldiers and no one asked us anything. Strange, of course, but I didn’t really know how things worked in here. They were just looking at us, in silence. I thought they were androids for the little movement of their bodies, but soon I realized they were humans. It amazed me the level of discipline these people had. It was so cold and they were standing there. Not moving one bit. I was freezing and trying to keep my shit together.

Lara entered some building and I followed her. For the way everything looked, I realized this was some kind of laboratory from the military. There were people in computers and androids writing notes in some kind of hologram notebook. Almost everyone was doing something, and some others were laying in sofas sleeping.

She put Nines in a bed, and right when I was about to ask something, she started taking off his clothes.

“Hey!” I screamed, alarmed, putting my hands on hers. “What are you doing?” She looked at me with very annoyed eyes.

“We need to prove his memory and pass it onto the computer, and then we can both study what he saw” She said, in a very serious tone. I look down on her hands on his body and she rolled her eyes. “We have to try take out that chip, you know”

“Kamski isn’t here, Lara” I stated, almost yelling. “We can’t take the chip out without hurting him” She nodded, but didn’t move at all. “So, what, you are just going to break him?”

“It will be a shame since his model is unique and pretty advanced, but there’s nothing else we can do”

I wanted to puke.

“Are you hearing yourself? You are going to kill him”

I was confused as to why this android didn’t feel any remorse about doing what she was doing.

“Androids don’t die, Gavin”

“Isn’t painful to be dismantled?” She shook her head. “How?”

“I’ve been dismantled two times, it’s fine” She rolled her eyes and pressed the LED next to Nines’ eyes, making his whole body turned white. She took off his clothes and connected some wires to his head, his _brain_ wide open for everyone to see.

I could see everything. And at the same time, I didn’t know who this person was. He looked like a piece of plastic with the form of a human. His brown hair. His pale skin. His light brown eyes. Everything was gone. As if he passed away and now, they were experimenting on his body.

It was making me sick.

“Gavin, please grab that wire and connect it to the computer”

Everything around me was spinning around.

“Now, turn on the comput—”

I puked.

“Damn it” She whispered, looking at me. “You have to tell me if you feel like puking, there’s a bathroom”

I nodded, extremely sick and terrified about the whole situation. Nauseous from all of this, I wanted to escape. “I’m sorry”

“I understand” She nodded and turned on the computer herself, walking by my side and helping me sit down in a chair. “You care about him; I can understand it”

“This is sickening” She didn’t say anything, but I could tell she felt the same way. The way she didn’t show any expressions of fear or pain told me that she was probably very desensitized to this kind of scenario. She must have been through this before. “God dammit”

“If you want to help him you need to endure this” She whispered, rubbing my back gently. “If you want him back, you know this is necessary”

She stood up and went directly to the computer. She didn’t wait for me to say anything, I’m guessing is because she knew my answer. Or at least, she thought she did.

“I don’t want you to hurt him” I mumbled, seeing an android coming closer to me with a mop. “Oh, sorry…”

“Don’t worry” He said, cleaning my puke.

I stood up, awkward and embarrassed, but with determination -at least with the intention of having it-. Lara looked at me and frowned. I sighed back and she gave me a pair of stainless steel. “I told you I don’t want to hurt him; how come we can’t contact someone from CyberLife? They can help us”

“It’s better if they don’t know what he knows, I don’t trust them” _Duh. Gavin, come on._ “Besides, you are not dumb, just follow my directions”

My hands were shaking, and my mind was so overwhelmed by the fact that I was _opening_ Nines. As if he was dead and now was the time to do the autopsy. If puking one time wasn’t enough, I was about to do it again, my face showed it. “Don’t puke, hold still” She said, looking at me with concerned eyes, turning Nines, seeing his back. She opened a small part of it, exposing lots of wires and complicated forms I couldn’t understand. We could see the chip inserted, but it was almost _glued_ to his nerves.

“You’ve got to be kidding” Lara whispered, dropping her tools on the bed. “What is—” I nodded. “It’s connected to his nerves; we can’t cut nerves” I continued nodding.

“I know we can’t” I mumbled, mad that we had to open him to see that. “The first sample we got was after the android passed away” I said, remembering how, after they dismembered the android, they could take the chip away. “It messes with their memory, and conscience, if we cut it, we will definitely cut something important and mess Nines’ operative system”

“I need Nines’ memory, I couldn’t even see what he saw perfectly, it was so hard…” She whispered, feeling dejected. “Like an old movie, with some parts missing” She looked at the ceiling and stayed quiet for a bit. “We can always transfer Nines’ to another android but… since they are not making any more RK900, we have to find a compatible model”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked confused. “As in… transferring Nines’ to someone else’s body?” She nodded. “But I thought RK900 was the best model, who can be compatible with him?”

“There’s really no one similar to him, but he has his predecessor, RK800” She said, and immediately I thought of Connor. “Maybe he won’t be as useful or… uhm…” She was trying to formulate the sentence the best as possible for me to not feel hurt, but I knew what she meant. “It won’t be him”

“I know it won’t be him” I whispered. “What about… and AI?” She frowned. “Like… a hologram?”

“We have those” She said, looking back and pointing with her eyes one AI talking to a scientist. “It can be one solution but I’m not sure how we can transfer all Nines’ data onto the hologram, since his operative system is so advanced, most of our AI’S are pretty…”

“Old?” She nodded.

“They don’t really need them anymore, since they have us” I nodded, understanding what she meant. “And if we failed, we… can damage his memory, so…”

I sighed and lay my back down on the chair. Looking at the ceiling too. We both were trying to think what to do in this scenario, but Nines’ complicated system was what make it harder. He’s one of a kind. No one is similar to him. And he’s, obviously, him. I didn’t want him to lose his memories, even if I knew the chip was already damaging it.

I wasn’t sure about who was I protecting.

“We’ve got to look at what he saw, and then try to stop it” I said, sighing, helpless. “If we need help, I can contact an RK800, he’s a friend of mine” She didn’t say anything, she just stood up and went directly to the computer.

“Let’s see what he saw, then we can make plans” I nodded and she started programming some things onto the computer. I looked at Nines’ body lying on the bed, _nude,_ and completely white. It was surreal. I knew this was Nines, but everything about him didn’t resemble him at all. He could be whoever or whatever model. _Everyone was the same._

“Ok” She suddenly said. “Be ready, because you are not going to see much”

I moved a little to see the computer closer. Lara played the recording and we could see me and Nines talking at the building minutes ago. Lara didn’t’ say anything about the conversation we were having, she was just paying attention to the memory. Suddenly, as I said “There is something you need to know…” The vision stopped at all we could see was a black screen.

“His eyes went dark at this point” I whispered, and she nodded. “His LED was crazy…”

“Gavin” She said, suddenly. “Quiet”

Just like Lara said, in the screen we could see me being choked by him, although it was what happened, the sound of the memory was extremely bizarre. There was classic music in the background, a female voice mumbling something and my own voice being repeated in loop.

_What was I saying?_

The screen turned black and again, it appeared to be normal, just like before. The difference, was the audio. We couldn’t hear exactly what was happening in the building, in the laboratory. There was a male deep voice mumbling something, like a big echo effect that blurred all the words. Nines’ voice was distorted in the memory, one very robotic or maybe just erratic.

But one thing I could understand was that Nines’ was fighting for control over himself. And someone else was trying to take him down. We saw all the way up to the car until he passed away. To that point, the voices were pretty loud, but still, not recognizable at all.

“What was I saying?” I whispered once the recording stopped. “I was choking, I didn’t say anything”

“Did you recognize your own voice?” I nodded. “Impressive, when?” I asked her to repeat the memory again in one point and she did. When we finally got the part, I took my phone and recorded the audio the best I could.

“Here, is in loop” She turned her eyes blue, and it appeared to be recording as well. We played the memory five times and at the end, the only thing that I could recognize was: “Stop”

“You sound pretty aggressive in this audio” She answered as well. “Were you telling him to stop like that?”

“No chance, I was out of breath, and that yelled was pretty aggressive” I mumbled, frowning and thinking about the last time I yelled _stop_ like that, but couldn’t find anything.

“Lara, they want to talk to you” We heard suddenly an android coming closer to us, only looking at her. “Hurry up and get there, please”

“Gavin, you better go back to the hotel, or you can stay here” I nodded and she stood up. “Don’t touch him”

“Alright…” She left and I found myself extremely confused about everything.

If this was Ethan, and he was the man talking he had a pretty deep voice now. I thought adults didn’t develop deeper voices in their adulthood. And the female voice didn’t resemble anyone that I knew.

“I’m so fucked” I whispered, letting my head rest in Nines’ arm. “Come on Nines… I’m too stupid for this”

I played the memory over and over again. Writing some details in my phone, trying to formulate some words of the man that was talking in the background. This was, by any means, Ethan’s voice. His tone wasn’t as deep as this man. And the woman didn’t resemble anyone that I knew, which wasn’t that strange. Was this Levón Blumstein’s voice?

“What?” I looked at my phone, feeling it vibrate for a minute. I saw the name and when I saw that it was Tina I immediately answered. “Hello?”

“Gavin, I need you to tell me what is going on” She said, in a very serious and soft voice. As If she was whispering.

“About what?” The first thing that came to my mind was her trapped in some place, hiding from danger. “Are you ok?”

“The androids are taking over the city, again” She mumbled. “But they are not… how can I say it? They are not… them”

_Oh._

“Most of them are completely making no sense, they are kidnapping people from all over the place, if you ask them or talk to them, they don’t say anything, as if they were deaf or…”

“Being controlled” I said, feeling my heart ache. “Where are you?”

“I came back to Livonia; I’m hiding in Dad’s baseme—”

 _“Get out of there”_ I almost ordered. “Ethan is the reason why all of this is happening, and I’m pretty sure he will go after you too”

“Why would he hurt me?” She asked in a sad and confused tone. “Why would he do this?”

“I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you” I said, confident. “He wants information from you”

“About you?” I nodded and responded with a weak yes. “Does he want to hurt you? Are you being told that?”

“No, but—”

“Where are you?”

_Wait._

“You know where I am”

_Back then, I had a nightmare that tormented me for weeks._

“I don’t know in which part of Alaska you are”

_One that make me question if living with her was alright._

“Why do you need to know where I am?”

_Because it was so painful laying in the ground, feeling the train tracks tremble, knowing it will be the end._

“I’m worried Gavin, that’s all”

I knew they would get her.

“Oh, don’t worry, I don’t really know where I am, they got me and are protecting me in some kind of bunker underground, pretty safe”

“That’s good, stay there and don’t go out Gavin, I’m worried Dad is mental by now”

_Oh, he is._

“It’s fine, don’t worry”

_I know he is a cry baby too._

“I’ve to go Tina, for now, don’t go outside and try to be prepared” I said, trying to find a way to tell her that I knew she wasn’t safe and that I was going to rescue her. “Don’t be scared, you got this”

“It’s fine Gavin” She mumbled. “I’m sorry”

“Don’t be”

“I love you, I’ll always do”

“I love you too…”

“I’m counting on you, I love you”

She hung up.

I looked at Nines’ white face and, for a moment, I felt like all the hope in this world was gone. If they got Tina, I wasn’t sure in who I could trust. Nines’ was unconscious, Lara didn’t know much than me, and CyberLife was a potential enemy in all of this.

I rested my head on Nines’ chest and, without thinking, I started crying. Not caring one single shit about all the people behind us, they were too busy working on whatever, they wouldn’t dare to look back. In this situation, I recognize, the humans and the machines.

From now, I’ll be human. That’s okay.

I covered my mouth with my hand and let go.

I just let myself go, and go…

_“Fuck”_

Tears were falling down onto his chest and thinking that it might be dangerous, I stepped back and rested my face on the bed.

_“Why do I feel so fucking dumb”_

Holding his hand, as tight as I could. Trying to catch my breath, I was feeling extremely unsure about everything. But most than anything, I felt so _useless_ without him. I could see the future, or at least the nearest possibility of it, and I wasn’t doing shit.

I saw the kidnapping of Tina; I had a dream that repeated itself over and over and I _didn’t do shit._ It didn’t matter if I knew things were going to happened, because I was so scared to do anything.

If I wanted him back, I needed to give back.

“I apologize, they wanted me to—”

“Lara, I need to tell you something”

My face was a mess, but everything else was clear.

“Let’s go somewhere quieter”

To protect the people that I love, I needed to face it.

“Alright…?”

To protect the man I love, I needed to give my everything.

“Let’s go”

I won’t be the same cry baby as _you_ anymore.


	18. Remembering myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's go back to basics.

**Remembering myself**

I know I can make it. To do it, let’s go back to basics. Since everything around me is quieter, I’ve come to see the hills clearly. The top of it, everything on me. I have to embrace it. What I am, and what I’m not. If I must change something will be what I changed last time. Ever since that day, seeing death coming at my door, taking what I love, saying goodbye, I lock myself in this little space to let me drown. I didn’t take the time to listen his last message. It didn’t make sense back then, but now I understand what he meant.

How am I supposed to carry all of this weight if there’s only a half part of me? How am I supposed to rescue you if I’m so fucking scared? I need to remember the child who rescued kittens praying for them to survive. I need to remember feeling _full of hope_.

Back then when I thought mom would probably stop drinking and would embrace me with her loving arms. When I thought my kittens could survive and we would run in the backyard. I got beaten all the time, and every single day her eyes didn’t change. Even then I didn’t doubt once the love of my mother nor the possibility of she changing. I had faith in the world, and waited for a new tomorrow.

It’s safe to say that now I doubt everyone, everything, and everywhere. That _fear_ , confusion and madness took over me and made me collapse. Scared of facing it, my ability and destiny, I ran away from everything. I thought that this loneliness would make it impossible to face it, after all, I’ve never been the type of keeping my feet on the earth.

I was meant to be a _dreamer,_ how am I supposed to take that away from me? The universe let me have its dreams. See what everyone can’t see. That gift that turned on me, that I made my own enemy, what else did I want to be? The lost, helpless, scared, mad, and desperate man? I understand now. What I want to be. What I need to be.

We went downstairs, ironically, underground. I followed Lara and she opened the door of an office, a bulletproof office in any case judging by the thickness of the walls.

“What is this?” I asked, seeing the enormous space down here. “is it some kind of bunker?”

“A bomb bunker, yeah” I felt kind of smart for guessing it, but really scared of the reality soldiers were aware of. “So, what is it?”

“Let’s sit first” She frowned but didn’t say anything.

We sat down on a hanging bed, one that smelled pretty good to be completely isolated in a bunker. One would think it stink of dust, but it didn’t.

Lara was quiet, looking at me with no expression whatsoever. I wasn’t sure on what she was thinking exactly, but I was convinced she wasn’t expecting to know a _big fish._ She wouldn’t be prepared anyway.

“This is hard” I said looking down my feet and shaking my legs feeling my heart beat. At least I was focused on my own misery until she laughed a little. I looked at her confused, was she laughing because she already knew? In any case, the situation wasn’t exactly funny.

“I can tell, your heart is racing” I nodded frowning a little while she gently pats me in the back, trying to calm me down. “It’s fine, I don’t judge” The look on her face was so understanding, and almost warm.

_What do you know?_

It scared me how much her expressions could change. Damn, even I felt emotionless compared to her. But more than anything, I felt completely exposed for some reason.

“Are you… bipolar?” I asked mumbling, not even knowing the definition of it, and pretty sure I got that wrong. “Bipolar disorder is not what you are trying to imply, Gavin” She giggled and saw me with tender eyes. As if I was a child telling a secret to his mother.

“Your relationship with Nines is not a secret to almost anyone, Gavin” _Oh._ “I know it isn’t what… well, you know”

She thought I was going to confess my feelings for him _._ She really thought I came back here, to a bunker, to confess my feelings for an _android_.

“Uh—” I was really exposed after all. “That’s not what I was going to say…”

 _“Ah”_ I could tell she felt stupid too, ironically, a different expression in her face appeared. “At least I know that’s true, I’m sorry though”

“It’s okay” God _dammit this is awkward._ “Okay…” How am I supposed to jump from this to _that?_

“Don’t feel pressured to tell me whatever you need to say, I know Nines is important to you and you want to help him as soon as possible—”

I better just fucking jump anyway, we’ve got no time.

“That’s why I’m telling you this” I interrupted, clenching my fist, trying to spit out the truth the best as I could _._ “There’s something you need to know, something we can both use to solve this”

“What is it?”

Some pieces were meant to be connected forever.

“Is it about Ethan Cheng?” I nodded, and she smirked at me, with what I could tell was satisfaction. “Alright… tell me about it”

“This is from a long time ago, I’ll try to make it easy” She nodded, standing up and closing the door of the bunker with key. And a lot of weird stuff I really couldn’t get a grind of.

She came back and took a chair from over the other side of the bunker and put it in front of me. She sat down and face me, touching her LED and turning her hand white. She offered me her hand and I didn’t understand what she wanted from me, but following my instincts I guessed she wanted me to give her mine as well. When I did, she smiled and I knew I was correct.

“I need to really tell if you are telling the truth, this is more accurate” I nodded, not saying anything. “I used to interrogate leaders with my bare hands only, they’re pretty good if you ask me”

I gave her a weak smile, not really into the conversation she was trying to make to lighten up the mood. I was nervous, a train wreck. This was the first time since I was 17 that I told someone _my secret._ From the day I was born, I viewed it as this cursed that make me impossible to love. Because wherever I went, I brought tragedy as well.

At least, that’s what I thought.

“Here goes nothing” I whispered, and she nodded in response. Her eyes went lost; I could tell she was waiting for me to say anything. “Alright”

“I ran away when I was 16 from my home in Livonia and then met Ethan Cheng” She looked at me with an expressionless face while I kept talking. Trying to not make eye contact with her since that made me felt nervous. “He offered me a place to stay while he helped me get back on track with my studies and also…”

 _Connections_ , that’s what the universe was all about.

“In the meantime, he would study my brain searching for the patterns of what I call dreams, supposedly to help me understand them and control them”

Ethan and I were meant to be connected, _forever_.

“Those _dreams_ are more than just average formations of what I see every day, they can be nightmares, but even then, they are an omen of what will happen in the near future, a perception in first person of other people’s future”

It didn’t matter who runs first, we’ll catch up to one another.

“I was so done of seeing tragedy that my desperation overcame me, and that things didn’t get better when Ethan told me that I only can see the future of the people I love the most, whose bond is stronger than anyone else, it really gave me that feeling of _man, I will never be happy,_ so I freaked out and try to run away again, but couldn’t”

He found me first.

“We became family for the pass years, I came to even consider him my father” Voice crack. “He studied my brain for a long time… until I was 23 years old and I started to work as a cop” Just talk. “Ethan wasn’t a bad man, at least that what I thought until one day he called us to a meeting, we sat down on the table, in silence…” _Just do it._ “I didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t have any sort of dream of any kind… so when he told me that he had been negotiating my brain with someone else to be with his wife again I couldn’t believe it”

I’ll found you second.

“The true intentions of Ethan’s help or fascination with my… dreams, it was never because of me”

“What do you think happened really?” She asked me.

“What I think happened was that he was working for Kamski, in exchange of my brain and all my information, Kamski would create an android for him that resemble his wife, she passed away years ago and he fell into a severe depression for years and Tina knew…”

“Who’s Tina?” She asked, suddenly.

“Ethan’s daughter” I said, continuing my story. “Tina knew what Ethan was trying to do with my brain, Kamski offered his help in exchanged of an AI that could perfectionate his androids, Ethan wasn’t good enough to create the perfect AI, so when he found me, he saw me as this miracle boy who could save his deal, and I did, unintentionally”

“What did Tina know exactly at that time?” Good question. 

“She knew that Ethan was trying to make the _deal_ , she tried to convince her father to not follow through, trying to explain that he would never have his wife again and to stop lying to me, ironically Ethan lied to her and told her he wasn’t doing anything anymore, but he was, obviously, and when we found out I ran away, again, and went to Detroit to start a new life”

“Why did you choose Detroit?”

There’s a bunch of things that I don’t know. Which is funny because I’m supposed to know better and more.

“I don’t know, I just wanted to leave Livonia as soon as possible, and here in Detroit they always need people to help, so…”

“Is there anything that you are not telling me that should be said right now?”

“I can see the future, I can’t do it at will just when I’m sleeping, and I feel like the world is cruel to me”

There’s no going back anymore.

“First, let me tell you something” She said, in a serious tone again. “Is really romantic that you can only see the future of the people that you love” _What?_

“I guess” I mumbled, looking away from her gaze. “That’s what he told me, I’m not sure if we have to believe him”

“That’s what I’m saying” She said, kind of angry for some reason. “It must be some kind of romantic novel what he was reading, because a super ability like that, and it only works with the people you love?” She frowned. “We have to explore more about that Detective Gavin, and see what can we do with it”

I used to be scared of being used because of my ability. I never thought about someone _needing_ me, I just thought of someone using me.

“I know we have to” I took a deep breath. “That’s all…”

“It’s amazing how you didn’t lie at all” I nodded.

“I tend to lie quite often to be honest” She nodded back. “But right now, I just can’t do this anymore”

“There’s no way a super ability can only _do_ that, let’s go” She whispered, ignoring what I said, standing up and letting the chair back where it belonged. “Follow me”

“Where?” I asked, confused and kind of intimidated from her reactions. “Let’s take Nines with us, I don’t want him to be alone with everyone up there” She nodded, not looking at me, opening the door. “You hear me?”

“Yes, let’s go”

Truth is going to come out, is going to wipe that smile off your face. You can run, my friend. You can escape. Hide somewhere, where the moon can’t reach you, where the sun can’t burn you. Where your lies pile in a mountain full of dust, you’ll fall asleep. But don’t worry, _dad,_ I’ll be there in the morning.

“Rookie, help me restore this android again, as fast as possible”

I know I’ve been trying to shut myself down, stop what I can do, ignore what I do feel. There’s no enough space in here to keep all of this from me. There’s no time to ignore me, there’s no way I can keep doing this. 

“Yes, ma’am”

I lost my mind, prayed to God to help me be fine. Seeing, sitting down on the ground the hill above me, waiting for the day that the ground would settle and the view of the sun will catch me. But I was wrong. So wrong.

“Disconnect the computer as well, I want those wires in a backpack”

There’s no waiting, there’s no view to be seen.

“Yes, ma’am”

_My love, it’s time._

The view was here all around. The help that I needed was inside. I just needed to remember myself a little bit. Remember that, the universe let me have its own dreams, and make them come true. I had to remember what I lost the day I lock myself on this room full of dust and hatred. No space to think, nor to feel. Surely, it will catch me, I would drown. But not today.

Let’s go back to basics, to where I was before you found me. Let’s go back, and try again.

“There’s no time to dream Nines” I mumbled seeing Lara and another android dress him. “That’s my job, _idiot”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend threatened me to upload the next chapter so i'm doing it. he.


	19. Fly down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin's weakness, hummanity. Gavin's charade, the art of shutting down. Once his brain is examined, he has nowhere else to go. No one else to fool.

After we took Nines out of the bed, Lara and her team lay him down on one armored van, making sure I got his head on my legs and my hands holding his body. Apart from me, he obviously was secured with seatbelts. We drove for about 2 hours until we arrived at an unknow location with some of Lara’s comrades. Most of them scientist and psychiatrists -apparently- who accompany us to help me study my brain and improve my skill with seeing the future.

Don’t ask me how though, ‘cause I don’t know.

Lara asked me for permission to tell her General and obviously I agreed. There wasn’t much we could do without help from the military, so that wasn’t an option in the first place. I realized that pretty quickly.

And _oh boy,_ it was such a large interrogation that I was put trough. Not only with Lara as a lie detector, but also 3 different people with a traditional one. Questions of “Are you being truthful about existence of such ability?” “Is your ability an invention of your imagination?” “Have you ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia?”. I couldn’t blame them. I wouldn’t believe me either.

It took long, slowly but surely, we were on our way.

Even if I knew the team was here to help me, what bother me were the few that were here to protect me.

Apparently, me knowing the future was a big twist on the story that they were making -or at least our little team was at the time-. Lara’s General was one big, muscular, Hispanic guy. Let me tell you, I could feel his _presence,_ such strong energy it made me uncomfortable to breath.

He let me have it. He yelled and cursed at me about how irresponsible I was for _lying_ on the whole process. That, if I told them sooner about this everything would have been managed differently. But I didn’t and we were in this deep hole. _That sounds weird._ But anyway. After the General’s lecture, he contacted Captain Fowler and they talked for another _long and tiresome_ moment. I was with Nines’ the whole time, by his side -before they disconnected him and put him in the van-, whispering some stuff that I thought were funny. Trying to disconnect from the world.

“This Captain has an amazing energy, he’s like a cartoon character of my childhood, I think it’s called the—”

“Gavin, come here”

Lara’s look screamed “something is wrong”. _As if it wasn’t wrong already._ I turned around and walked over there, mumbling _goodbye_ to Nines. Both, Capitan and General were together on a call, and the look on Captain Fowler was of pure astonishment and what I thought was fear.

“For now, we are not sure on what exactly they are chasing, but if a suspect of this case that was originally small but not less dangerous is someone that knows you and your ability, we can either use you as a decoy or hide you where no one can find you”

“Either way I will be a decoy, because this man is probably after me” I mumbled, tired of pretending. “Let’s be real General, it will be useless to just hide me, I can do things”

“I’m not stupid, I won’t hide you either way” He responded, brutally ruthless. “But I need Captain’s Fowler permission to give you orders and put you under my charge for a while”

“Then why do you need me here? If you’re not asking me for my permission”

“Protocol kid, from now, you’ll be under his orders” I heard Fowler saying through the computer, and I nodded. “I assure you; I can’t do much from here”

“I know that” I answered, defeated. “It’s fine”

“Good luck Gavin, listen and do what they say”

“ _Yes, dad”_

So, now, Lara’s General was giving me orders, I was under supervision of a lot of people, and Nines was asleep. What else could possibly go wrong?

I had to be understanding since the situation wasn’t exactly ideal to be throwing a tantrum, but it was quite different than usual. Let’s say, I’m not used to people giving me orders, supervising me, like a toddler. I was over that.

“I only like one guy stalking me on a 20 centimeters radio” I whispered looking at the team of 6 soldiers around me once we arrived to a new location. Lara laugh a little and smiled weakly.

There was something about her... I could tell something was off.

“Where are we?” She shook her head, putting her index finger on her lips. Everyone else was quiet, complete silence was made in that room.

Nines had been transported to a new bed, connected again for us to see his memories. Lara approached him and, turning her hand white, touched Nines’ head making it as well white. She stayed by his side for a few more minutes, until she let go.

“Ok, clear” She said and everyone else went to different directions, talking normally. She looked at me with confident eyes, once again, the light came back to her face. “I blocked his senses for a while, we are not really sure what can he see and what _the others_ do” I nodded seeing him sleep, biting my lower lip. “He is okay, don’t worry”

“He was… hearing the whole time?” She nodded, putting her hand on my shoulder, aware of my worried expression, interrupting my thoughts about what I was telling him before. “Nines shut himself to protect us, I think he knew he was giving in to the chip, and wasn’t strong enough to fight it anymore”

How unfair.

“Trojan” We heard suddenly, and Lara turned to see who was calling her. “We have urgent information to deliver from the inspection of the laboratory, we’ll procced to analyze it in the main office”

“Finally, some good news” I said sightly excited. Following Lara and the other soldier to the _main_ office.

This place was extremely isolated from the world, no wonder why we drove for so many hours to arrive here. Almost in the middle of nowhere, the snow was even thicker than before. The temperature was so low, I was sure to be on the edge of the country. My body was struggling to function, and without Nines I felt even colder. It was funny how a terminator following me make me feel warm. What was it? Does his body have a heating? That time I asked him and he played fool I don’t even know if he really does—

“Gavin, quit daydreaming and sit down”

“Right, sorry”

The soldier in front of us opened the door of the office and let some other soldiers bring some small boxes on the table. When they did, he opened one of them and took one chip, inserting it into the computer, projecting the information that had been collected. We could see a lot of data in probably 20 folders.

“It’s not that much” Lara mumbled, even annoyed. I felt easily impressionable either way. “Do we really have something valuable here?”

“We have information of Ethan Cheng and Elijah Kamski’s interactions” The soldier said, looking through the folders on the computer.

So there really was something related to him in there.

“The detectives who gave us the information are busy right now, but we recorded their testimony and explanations if everyone wants to listen to them”

“I would rather see what they found first” She said, and everyone else looked at her for an explanation. “We can listen to them later”

“Why? What if they said something useful?” Except me, I asked for one. She looked at me frowning, and I frowned back. “What?”

“You mean to tell me, even If you know Ethan Cheng _personally_ , you want me to listen to somebody else?” _heh._ “I care about what you need to say, most than anyone else”

Fair enough.

The soldier in front of us projected financial statements of CyberLife in 2017 and 2024 such as income statements, statements of changes in equity, and cash flow statements. The years when CyberLife was created, the first android was published, and the revolution took place. First, we proceeded to read the payments underlined by the detectives. We shared a look of satisfaction when we read Ethan Cheng in there. Oddly, his payments were extremely low, even lower than some of his subordinates.

“Gavin can you give everyone an insight of Ethan Cheng’s persona, while we are reading this you might want to clarify who is this man” Lara said, and I snap out of my thoughts.

“Right”

We continued reading for about 40 minutes, analyzing every payment made by the company while I explained what I thought I knew about Ethan. It took me a while to formulate words successfully, but _oh my god,_ working with strange people that seems to _not get along_ with each other was such a pain in the ass. While some listened to me and looked at me, others looked at each other as if they were judging what I was saying. Some others, like Lara, didn’t even look at me, they just continued reading as if I was a fucking parrot on its cage.

When we saw the last statement, one brought by the Detectives, we realize that it was completely different that the others. It was an extremely large cash flow statement, which wasn’t surprising, but what was odd were the names printed in there. 

“In February 2024 Ethan disappear from the financial statements, before the revolution took place in May, there’s no trace of him, no payments, no mentions of anything… did he leave?” I asked, confused, looking at Lara. “Also, Levón Blumstein is underlined as well”

“First things first” She said, stopping me from asking more questions “Kamski _did_ leave, he resigned being the CEO of the company in 2024, around the same time as him, which would make sense considering Ethan was there because of him, or _for_ him” I sighed cracking my neck and my back on the chair. “What we know of Levón Blumstein is that he was Kamski’s partner for a while, in 2017 when CyberLife was created, but that’s it, there’s no more information about him related to androids, I know he left in June of 2017 and the first android was announced two months later, he’s got a really public life being a celebrity and a young entrepreneur, but there’s really not much data about him in that time”

“Why did Kamski leave?” I asked, completely clueless as to why would someone resigned an amazing position and an amazing income of money. “Is he a genius or an idiot?”

“That wasn’t public, we really don’t know why, and I forgot to ask…”

I looked at her, almost whispering _“Something doesn’t add up”_ with my eyes _,_ but she didn’t understand what I wanted to communicate so she only frowned at me. “Don’t you think is a little bit weird that Ethan and Kamski both left at the same time, and then the CEO changed suddenly” She frowned but didn’t respond. At least for me it didn’t make sense. Such a great life with luxury and fame, why would someone resign? “We need to interrogate Kamski, as a suspect, not for information”

“He doesn’t have anything to do with this” She said, confident on her own words. “It’s not been so long since he’s not part of CyberLife… who is in charge right now?”

“Alyssa Hill” She responded, staring at the cash flow statement. “But she hasn’t… said anything related to the chip, at least not that we know of”

“What?” _Wait._ “Anything?”

“No, she hasn’t said anything”

_Fuck._

_“_ I’ve got to tell you something that I… thought you might know already”

_I’m really such a big idiot._

“God dammit _Gavin,_ if we are working together you’ve got tell me things first, as soon as you know them, _you idiot_ ” I was so focused on Nines that I forgot what happened earlier. “Spit it out”

“Tina called me just… hours ago, she said that androids were taking over Detroit, and that she was hiding somewhere” Lara frowned and stood up before letting me finish. “I think they have her” I said quickly. “I think… they kidnapped her”

She didn’t say anything, but I could tell she was stressed out by that. Her LED was orange and her expression was confirming that I was a big idiot. “I know I should have told you before, but—”

“Let’s skip the pity part of apologizing and me being mad, I’ve got not time for that” She said, leaving the room. Everyone else looked at me for a moment and then went back to reading.

Looking through the information, I found Levón’s name again in 2023, and to this 2025 his name was nowhere to be found. “That’s extremely weird” The amount was not so low not so high, which was odd. “Was that a mistake? What did he do?”

I took my phone and searched for his name on the internet, soon realizing what Lara meant. There wasn’t a single new of him related to CyberLife. The guy had numerous appearances in various shows, and was known by his weird-ass inventions. “You like guns don’t you” Related to guns, swords -in this 2025- and lots of other similar inventions.

Almost every single new was him releasing a new gun, car, etc. He had numerous interviews, most of them funny ones. If you searched on YouTube you could see lots of compilations of “Best moments of Levón Blumstein on interviews” and “Levón Blumstein being cute for 10 minutes” it seemed to be an extremely well-liked figure on the media. Which was confusing considering this man was also a part of the invention of androids.

Who’s this man?

Lara came back with another soldier by her side. “Hello”

“So” Said Lara, sitting down next to me, and the soldier sitting down in front of us. “There’s news of androids presenting antisocial behavior but nothing we should worry about for now, at least not related to the chip”

“They are not taking over Detroit” She shook her head and the soldier in front of me took the word.

“Gavin, I’m James” He said, with a tired expression. “Can I ask you some questions related to Tina?” I nodded, not really having other choice at the moment “Right, so, can you describe your relationship with her?”

“She’s like my sister” I responded, clutching my fists together, feeling watched by everyone else sitting on the room. “We’ve known each other since I was 17, she gave me a home and a family…” It was outrageously funny how in so little time things could turned for the worst.

“How old is she?”

“We are about the same age, I’m two years younger than her, she’s… 27” He nodded, writing some things down. “You want me to… describe her physically?”

“Please, do”

“She’s a very short woman, Asian, black long straight hair, she got a birthmark on her left leg, and she has a small face, really long fingers with ah… fragile hands I’d say”

“Do you know if Ethan was trying to have communication with her… or was he trying to meet up? How is their relationship at the moment?”

“Terrible” Sadly _._ “Completely terrible, Tina hates him, and she doesn’t want anything to do with him, she’s sad that he did what he did but Ethan…” What a pain in the ass he is. “I’m not sure what he feels about her now, back then I’m sure he loved her”

“Did Tina tell you she was in danger in the call?” I shook my head, remembering her exact words.

“She didn’t say that someone was holding her captive, but she acted in a way that gave me signs of danger, especially because she told me she went back to Livonia, to her house in there, that was completely out of character, and obviously she told me that androids were taking over Detroit, and as far as we know that’s a lie”

“Do you have the address?” I nodded, and gave it to him -although I already gave it to the General before in that long and tense interview-. “Is Tina related to somebody else apart from Ethan? Do you know if she was involved in anything dangerous?”

“Being Ethan’s daughter is dangerous enough” I said, completely serious but in a sarcastic tone. “There’s no way Tina was involved in something illegal, she’s the most trustworthy and honest person I know” I mean, she chooses to be a police officer for the correct reasons. “Is she on duty right now?” I shook my head. “For what reasons?”

“She took a break after an accident she had, a shooting” I almost could hear my voice fading away. “She came to Detroit to have physical therapy and live with me”

“Are you living together as a couple?” _I just said she’s like my sister, what is this guy on._

“I told you she’s like my family, we are living together at the moment because we had a falling out after what happened and we just reunited”

“When did you reunite with her?”

I was thinking.

_“Gavin?”_

About the chances of the universe letting me down and tricking me.

“Uhm—”

The connections were so obvious but my heart wouldn’t let them take over me.

_“So?”_

I’m nervous now because she knows…

“The day of the shooting”

…I’m desperately in need.

“Do you think now that it might have a connection with the shooting itself?”

Cause up here's hard to reach.

“ _Yes_ ”

“Does Tina know about your ability?” I nodded. “Does she have an ability as well?”

“No” Tina’s ability was being her father’s right hand most of the time, that’s why I’m scared shitless.

“Does Tina know somebody else with your ability?” I said no. “Do you have any relatives that might have your same ability?”

“Oh” Well… “I don’t know” That’s a shame.

“How old is Ethan?” I looked at the ceiling for a moment, trying to calculate his age to this 2025.

“Maybe 47… 49?” But wasn’t even sure how old he was at the time he picked me up. “Not sure to be honest”

“Have you maintained any kind of communication with him?” I shook my head and said no. “Do you have any idea where Ethan could have run away after working for Elijah Kamski?”

“No idea”

I was empty and exhausted from all the questions, and some of those were already responded for the General. My brain was connecting so much so fast I was drained for the day. My own thoughts were fighting with themselves, and it seemed like there was two Gavins up here. One that just wanted to sleep, and the other that was trying to keep him awake.

“Ethan showed me a charade, that’s why I’m clueless as what he would if _x situation_ happened, I really don’t know”

James stood and thanked me for my honesty, Lara accompany him to the door, they shared some words, and the she came in with a couple of people with white clothing and what I could guess were the psychiatrists. “We’ll be heading to interrogate Kamski tomorrow, for now focus on _that”_

“Don’t worry, I got you” I winked at her and stood up trying to crack my back a little bit. I walked away but stopped when I felt her hand grabbing aggressively my shoulder. “Wh—”

“If you hide something else from me, I’ll crush your legs” She said, death serious. “Go with them”

“Okay” I didn’t fight her; I knew It was my job to tell her everything I know, and to say things sooner. But without Nines I felt so lost, and clueless. I needed to improve my future reading to protect the man I love, but I was feeling so fucking dumb and useless.

What was the right way to do all of this? I’m freaking out about this whole man I’m supposed to be.

It’s not like I could ask Lara to read the future for me, but there was something so big going on behind the scenes that felt like a big weight crushing my back. I was a key that could help fix this sooner, but I didn’t even know how to open it.

Being honest, I don’t know what is going on anymore.

I accompany the couple of people who came for me, they weren’t saying anything, almost communicating with their eyes, they took me to an isolated door. “Go in, please” One of them said, opening the door of a white room with a single table and a single chair in the middle.

They closed me in and I sat down on the chair. Suddenly, I could see an hologramlike contract projected in the table. I looked up to see if they were there, and as soon as I did, they appeared behind the glass wall.

“Hello Gavin” Said a man with a soft voice. “My name is Justin; I’m presenting the Statement of rights of subjects participating in an experimental study” _That sounds so demonic._ “If you can read all your rights and ask us any questions related to the experiment it will be our pleasure to answer”

“Right, give me a second” To be fair… I’ve got no choice at this point. I turned the pages and look for a place to sign, when I found it, all I had to do was put my fingerprints in some places and we were ready to go. “Let’s be honest guys, I have no choice but accept”

“Alright…” The same man said, disappearing the contract from the table and turning the glass wall again, white. “We are going to connect some neuronal transmitters to your head, and then proceed to measure the connections of—”

This, however, I found annoying.

“Justin, I don’t mean to sound mean or anything, but really I only have high school and I’m Detective by pure luck, so don’t waste your time being all professional because I really don’t know what you are talking about” I could hear some laughter behind the wall and it made me feel at ease for some reason.

“We do this because we are obligated to narrate and explain every step to the subject, but we are going to keep it simple for you Gavin” I nodded and they opened the door, connecting the same kind of wires to my head that Ethan did at the time. Except that these were different than Ethan’s, but felt similar.

“Thanks” I said, looking at the white wall in front of me, knowing that they would be watching.

Once the wires were connected and they left, the same soft voice of that man explained briefly what was going to happen next.

“Let’s start with knowing a little bit about you, ok?” I nodded. “How well can you control your ability?”

“I can’t” I said, sighing. “I only see the future when I’m sleeping, I don’t see anything if I’m awake” They took some time to pass onto the next question.

“When you have a vision of the future, how are those visions? What exactly can you see?”

“As if… I’m _them_ , like, the person whose future I’m looking, I can see what is going trough their eyes, and I can feel what they are experiencing, most of the time I have no sounds, but when I do is scary…” I sounded extremely naïve. “Because I can hear them talk but I can’t respond, I just hear their voices like echo”

A moment of silence, then continue.

“When did you discover you had this ability? And how was it?”

“Uh,” How can I say this without crying, jeez. “I was 5 years old when I had a _nightmare_ … and the next day I don’t know how but I knew what was going to happened, so I did everything I could to prevent it"

“Have you ever tried to change the future?” I nodded. “How would you describe are the consequences of doing so?”

“I think when I change the future the consequences piled up, for example, if I save you from being shot, maybe one day you’ll be in a shooting and you’ll be shot twice, at least that’s what I think happens…” Now that I hear myself say that out loud, I was thinking to myself _man, you’re like a kid trying to explain something._ “I’m not sure, I’ve been changing the future with small events, and later on, those people that I saved from being in a hurtful or dangerous situation were put into worst ones, of the same kind”

Another moment of silence.

“Have you ever attempted to read the future on purpose and not while sleeping?” I shook my head. “Could you elaborate?”

“This is too much” I whispered to myself, trying to breathe deeply. “Uh— no I haven’t because it terrifies to know what’s going to happened and it’s horrible to see the people I love being in pain or in any kind of… dangerous situation”

I was exhausted.

“Can you only see accidents happened” I shook my head. “Ok, good”

“I can see everything else, but it mainly focuses on accidents for some reason”

“Well, I think I know why Gavin” I heard a woman now talking. “Hello, my name is Gabrielle, and I’m a psychiatrist graduated from Harvard, I’ll be in charge of the next test called _the train”_

Guess is time for a ride. No time to sleep dear. 

“This test is supposed to measure the activity of hemispheres of the brain and…” Yeah, I was a pain in the ass for Gabrielle too. “Basically, we are going to project some visuals and audios of different situations to examine how easily disturbed and sensible you are with emotions and how you control them… try to see what’s blocking you from… giving it full access to your brain to explore and work, and how your metacognition works with the information is given to you, since you haven’t really work on your own ability, you must be quite weak, so please, try to focus on maintaining peaceful or at least, not… freak out?” I wanted to laugh since I could tell the struggle on this woman’s knowledge to keep it simple. “Let’s start, good luck Gavin” You tried my friend.

“Thanks” There’s no surprises, go ahead and I’ll take this.

“And remember Gavin, this is not a dream, you can control this situation”

Can I really?

The white room turned black; the lighting went off. The glass wall turned into videos of different types.

First; a newborn. Crying in the middle of a white room, alone. Helpless, moving their tiny little hands searching for their mother or someone to assist them. The camera was coming closer to see more of that newborn, and the closer it was getting, the sounds around me were changing from a crying child, to voices talking with each other.

Second; the crowd. The voices were getting louder, and the screen was projecting different people looking directly into the camera, or me. Not saying anything. Just standing there. The voices, talking different languages… that was extremely disturbing. I felt observed and threatened. Weak. There was something about the look on these people that made me feel uncomfortable.

Third; a couple. Once the voices stopped suddenly, I felt at ease again. I could see a bed, and what appeared to be two people cuddling under the sheets. The movements of the bed were such as arms being moved to held the other person. I heard people sleeping, giggling, the night. I heard what sounded like an owl and a forest. Leaves falling down, trees moving around, dancing with the air. There was something in there that made me feel nostalgic.

Fourth; poverty. People on the streets walking around, dirty and sleep deprived. Starving, asking for money with a sign written on a piece of cardboard. I could see a man, sitting down on the street. Looking at me, lost in whatever he was thinking. Staring.

Fifth; nightmares.

“Alright—” I can barely focus when I’m like this. “ _Ahm…_ ”

A mother beating his daughter.

“This… I’m not part of this”

The daughter was running through the house, looking for a place to hide.

“I don’t—”

There was yelling, and things falling down the furniture.

_“Hello?!”_

Screams of pain and a call for help.

“ _Stop it”_

“Focus Gavin”

The crying child appeared again, in the middle of the room. Around the child, there were people looking. Staring at the helpless child crying. No one helping, no one moving a single muscle. Voices of a crowd came in louder and louder, with the crying child and the terrified daughter running for her life.

Bits of the scene with the couple appeared, I could see hands touching and a nude back being caressed. Bits and bits of every scene was messing with my mind, my throat was closing in, passing saliva was starting to get difficult. I didn’t notice immediately, but the chair was shaking thanks to my legs.

In the silence of one scene my heartbeats started to rip open my crane.

_Am I dying?_

The daughter hiding in a closet, breathing terrified, seeing the figure of her mother searching for her with a knife on her hand.

_I think I’m dying._

There wasn’t a single sound, no voices, no anything. But there were eyes.

“Focus Gavin”

Multiple eyes.

They’re looking at me.

They’re afraid of me.

They’re going to use me.

I need to escape.

**_“Enough is enough!”_ **

The silence, the voices, I could mix them together and the full video appeared in my head. One memory that I would never forget.

Running for my life, hearing my mom screaming my name and cursing at everything. Feeling my mother’s hand in my neck, crushing it. Feeling _his_ hand in my neck, looking at me with crying eyes. My name being said with the saddest voice, _his_ eyes screaming for help. _Her_ figure running towards me. _His_ smile at 3 am. The burger I ate. My head hitting the ground numerous times. The big city of Detroit and the station. Thirium all over the room and my clothes. _His_ white jacket. _Her_ long black hair. That _kid_ waiting for me. Starvation and snow. The light of the moon raising over me.

The bullets.

“It hurts”

The pain and my blood.

“I want this to stop”

Something in my head just… exploded.

“Alright” I heard the woman talking and the room turned white again. “We can see that you are extremely sensitive and for now, weak”

“If you show this kind of things to anyone, they will be weak too” I mumbled, trying to breathe normally. Anxious, feeling the things in my head like needles, I wanted to throw them out. “You told me that I was in control of that, I asked you to stop and you didn’t do anything”

“I’m sorry” She apologized. “But you sure are different” Gabrielle said with a cheerfully and oddly energetic voice. “See Gavin, you have trained yourself to shut down when emotions overcome you, and what we need, or at least what I believe we need, is you to be able to control these emotions so your brain can truly go over its limits, since the time you are most _vulnerable_ is when you are sleeping, that’s when your brain can focus on reading the future”

“How much did Lara and that tall man tell you?” I asked confused. “That’s extremely accurate”

“It’s just a bit of everything Gavin” She answered, calmly. “We don’t really have people here reading the future, but overall, we know that any kind of trauma will limit the brain to some functions, specially focus on difficult tasks that require emotional stability, in your case, reading the future is a trauma by itself, I could tell when you looked at the daughter and mother scene, your brain was almost shutting down, everything up there was working to keep you safe, so you blocked it in your everyday live, like nightmares, they only appeared when you are sleeping because you are vulnerable”

“Is nothing you can’t overcome, it will be difficult because it’s… well, one-of-a-kind scenario” I agreed. “But if what makes you weak and not in control of the future reading is your own perception of your own ability, then we must change it”

Let’s be honest. _I need this._ I’m scared shitless, but I need to this. It terrifies me to face me and the others. I do the same shit all over again. As soon as the pain makes itself obvious, I run away from everything. I can’t keep doing this. It’s taking over me and now, it seems like my emotions are more in control than me.

Now that I think about it… that night in the room. He made it obvious as well.

_“You are a good man; you just make yourself difficult to care for”_

At the end, it seems like I’m the only one pretending to not feel anything.

“I bet we have to change it”

Because at this point, I’m not fooling anyone.

“Don’t worry, we will”

Damn it, I’m not even fooling myself anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I OBVIOUSLY had to change some years and add OC, because is my novel, and because i'm a big fan of creating chaos from nothing. Welcome, Levón.


	20. Who are you really?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara's backgroud is one similar to Gavin. Waking up in the middle of a war.

I like to think that you didn’t break me. I like to think that I knew better and this was just a mistake. I tend to lie often; you knew that pretty well. I tend to say things that I regret and then cry aiming to the sky, asking God why he left me. I tend to close my eyes, red would never pass by. I tend to close my mouth and not say goodbye. If I do, would I regret it? Once again, the things I say, are they poison to my brain? Or, is my brain poisoning what I say?

In any case, I like to think that you didn’t break me. I have been broken for so long, this was just a mistake. A silly case of misfortune that won’t break me again. How could it anyway? It’s time for me to show you the true colors of red. Any flags for you were trophies, but for me it was one more step. To know you better, to know better.

I’ve been quiet for so long about the things that I hate. Mostly because I thought they were always me, and I knew it all the time. I knew I hate liars, _dad,_ you are just one of them. But the biggest liar I know would never be like you. He doesn’t pretend to be good; he simply doesn’t know he is. He simply didn’t know how to break free. This charade that he built to protect him, has now been set on fire. And it’s not coming back.

With the ashes of the mask that had covered the king’s face, raises a new sun that will burn everything and everyone away.

I’m here, God, I’m alive, I’m aiming to the mirror, there’s no going back anymore.

It’s me. It was always me.

The four white walls were overwhelming, I stayed in that chair for long enough for me to feel dizzy, tired and angry. For instance, I didn’t eat anything since we get here, and I felt like taking a break would be the end of the good progress that we were making, even if it wasn’t much, in the end I was starving. Second, I couldn’t sleep well, it hasn’t been the best day overall. Not being able to rest in that comfy bed of the hotel, Nines asleep, I felt so lonely. Lastly, I’m tired of being scared.

Gabrielle told me, with such detail, how a victim of traumatic experiences would suffer of PTSD. The event is commonly relived by the individual through intrusive, recurrent recollections, dissociative episodes of reliving the trauma, and nightmares. In my case, seeing the future was something that I couldn’t control while sleeping, like nightmares, because of that, while being awake, I would avoid any kind of trigger. In this case, or at least what I thought I knew, triggers were emotions in general, especially those who make me feel any kind of happiness. As if feeling any kind of joy was the omen of the trauma itself.

Gabrielle explained how she was going to try the cognitive behavioral therapy, and hope for the best. In synthesis, I was going to re live those emotions and would replace them, in doing so, I would be able to allow myself to feel and see the future.

Even if it sounds too optimistic, I had to trust myself and maybe even force myself to do it in a couple of days. I had this gut feeling of not having enough time to do anything. Although the whole team didn’t really know what we were looking for now.

“We’re going to see Kamski in another location, but they are still going to check his house” Lara said, opening the door of the room where I was laying down. Next to Nines. “Did you eat and sleep already?”

“It’s been two hours, I barely slept in that time” She nodded. “So…?”

“We’re going tomorrow at 5am, try to sleep until then” _It was 2am._ “Goodnight Gavin”

“Lara” I interrupted her from leaving, and she stopped to look at me. “Come here for a second”

I was exhausted, yes. But Lara’s behavior was exhausting me even more. She had been colder, and kind of arrogant for some reason. Even if I didn’t know her that well or for so long, I could tell when someone was being a dick for no reason. It’s pretty simple. Detectives from Detroit would act all arrogant and _no-one-can-touch-me_ kind of thing when they felt threatened or hurt. If androids were as human-like as I’ve witnessed, they are, then this scenario must be the same as the others.

“What do you need?” She asked, sitting down next to me, looking at Nines sleeping by my side. “Is it something about him?”

“Is about you” I said, stretching out my arms, letting out a sigh. “Did something happen? Are you good?” She frowned and didn’t say anything. “Don’t play dumb, I hate that”

“I genuinely don’t know what you are talking about” I rolled my eyes and lay my face next to Nines’ shoulder. We shared a look that lasted a couple of seconds.

“Since we got here, I think, you’ve been more of a dick than anyone else” She looked away, to the door. “Even the General was nicer to me” That’s not true. “So, what’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t understand even if I tell you, you’ve been promoted to this essential or important thing in the case, meanwhile I’ve been demoted to a simple assistant on the case”

That’s such a human thing to say.

“Who told you that?” To want to be praised, to need the glory of success. That’s extremely human-like.

“The FBI knew about the danger of the chip but didn’t believe it could be that atrocious, so they pass the ball to someone from the military, specially someone who’s not on duty anymore”

“And they pick you?” She nodded. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I was picked because I know how to detect lies, Nines can’t do that even if he’s really good at everything else, they thought that I would be useful and if something happens, they would replace or demoted me”

The feeling of not being worth it anymore, it’s scary.

“Can’t you see? I was just the leftovers because they thought this wasn’t as important as it really is, and now that they see the real deal of everything, they don’t want me here anymore”

The feeling of not being enough, it’s cruel.

“But you are leading everything… I don’t understand why you think they don’t want you here”

“Gavin” Her voice and her emotions were overflowing through her eyes. She was so scared and mad with herself. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that we were the same, but in this situation, for her to heal, I think it’s better to let _her_ just feel. Not me, not with me, just her. “I’m not leading anything, they are doing their own thing, the only thing that I’m leading right now is communicate where we are going and what we’re going to do, those are not my orders anymore, those are theirs”

“Did you lead the whole investigation? Like, did you take the decisions of the warrant to the laboratory? Lead the detectives on what to look for? The archives of the suspects?” She nodded. “And, now… you are not taking decisions anymore, and you are just doing what they tell you to do…”

“I know it’s stupid because overall, in my position, I’m always taking orders, but it’s not just that” Immature, could it be? Androids are new in controlling their emotions. Nines is like a teenager who just fell in love for the first time. He doesn’t know how to regulate his feelings, nor his desires. Just like him, Lara had the same starved look in her. Desires that she wanted to demand. Goals that she needed to achieve for her to feel complete. In a sense, they were more humans than I was, on the other hand, this isn’t as easy as it would be for a real human.

I’ve had enough experiences for me to control or try to balance my emotions, in my case, I was born a long time ago, in theirs, they were born in less than two years. They woke up, in an overflowing world, trying to put all the information together, built their personality, from zero. That must be painful.

“Why do you feel inferior?” If she was new, I might as well go to the point. “What is wrong that makes you feel like you are not enough?”

She stayed quiet for a while. Didn’t say anything, nor asked for anything. Just stayed looking at nothing. I looked at Nines, knowing that he wasn’t listening, I asked myself what would he do in this situation. What would he say? He’s an honest brat. If he has something on his mind, he says it, even when he’s smart enough to know the consequences of it, he prepares for impact, almost like waiting the response he knew was coming. Just like when he told me he was in love with me, not caring first, that I’m a man, second, that we were on the street, third, that we were partners working on something. He has the idea, he works on it, and then when he is sure about something, he goes for it.

I wish I could put my thoughts together the same way to help her, I’m trying to allow myself to be empathetic and not being in pain for that, the first step to do so, is helping a friend. Pretty simple yet so complicated.

“My hands” She said, suddenly. “I was kidnapped by one of the leaders, of the never-ending war… they used me to interrogate his son, they end up killing him by mistake” I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst. I could tell she was trapped inside her own memories, just like me. “Because he tried to fight back, they just shot him” Pause. “I was with my crew, we were escaping a surprise attack and I came back to help a friend that was shot on his leg, I couldn’t help him” This is painful to hear. “They killed him and kidnapped me, the leader had fun with me, dismantled me, burned me, and the last thing that I remember, was him destroying my hands”

I need her to heal.

“In the past, I could deal with bombs with my bare hands, my system was one the best ever created to deactivate bombs, examinate any kind of software, and interrogation, I was put in such a good position, and had so many people under my care, now I can’t do anything”

“Can I ask you something?” She nodded. “When did you wake up? You said when we met that it was in war, but when exactly?”

“Why do you want to know that?”

“You seem to have this complex of wanting to be God” I couldn’t blame the look on her face, I knew she wouldn’t understand me. “As in… you want to protect everyone, but you also want to control everything, like… it will disappear if you don’t do that”

Of the few things that Ethan told me that I thought were actually genuine, were the things that he was trying to do in order to heal.

“In war everything disappears if you don’t protect it”

Allow yourself to feel the despair, the pain, the anguish.

“Do you think it’s your fault that all of this happened?”

Try to see it from outside, this cage will keep getting smaller and smaller, it will progressively drown you, blind you.

“I think I deserve to be on the place that I am, to be demoted, the shame will go away in some time anyway”

Being God for the ones you love and care, trying to protect them at all cost is unrealistic because even God himself knew that the one he loved and cared for had to die for us.

“What are you blaming yourself for?”

It will hurt, when you less expect it, reality will come, it will take that blindfold out of your face, and make you see the eye of the storm.

“I was weak, I couldn’t do what I was supposed to do, I couldn’t protect the ones I was meant to protect, I couldn’t escape when I had the chance, I was just… not enough”

“You came back to protect one person of all your crew, and thanks to your nobility they found you, they probably would have never caught you if it wasn’t for that” Silence. “You’ve been understanding with my situation even if it sounds… impossible, you’ve been caring for Nines even if you barely know him, you’ve led the investigation the best you could, not knowing all the details… that’s my fault, but you didn’t do anything wrong”

“If I was more reasonable, I would have asked you from the very beginning a bunch of questions—”

“Why?” I interrupted. “I am on your side, from your perspective I’m just the detective that was assigned this case, I am just a new guy from Detroit that will work with you, we are a team, why would you interrogate me?”

“I knew you were lying” She said, looking at the ceiling, taking her hands to her face. “With the chip, with Nines, with Kamski, your heartbeat was so… incredibly irregular, I knew something was up but tried to wash it off for some reason, I—”

“I’m sorry” Another thing that the old man said to me, was: “It’s my fault, I put some many obstacles because of my selfishness and fear, I could have done it differently, you were taking decisions blindly, and for everyone else, your job was inefficient for some reason, that reason being me”

“It’s not like cases like this take a couple of days, I know that, but considering how fast everything is moving we have to move at the same pace than it, I felt useless…”

“I’m sorry”

 _Always apologize for the things you’ve done to someone else._ Even if they are small, even if you think it’s stupid, they might help someone else’s closure and duel.

“It’s fine…”

For Ethan, he apologized all the time to his wife, for not being there for her, for not being able to help her. Even if she wasn’t there, and she couldn’t hear what he had to say, it made him feel better in dealing with the loss. I don’t care if he’s not a good person now, good advice must not be taken for granted.

“I mean it Lara” I said, holding my confidence on my fists. “If everyone thinks your job is not enough, is because you’ve been working blindly and taking decisions without all the information nor support that this case needed from the beginning”

I took another deep breath and she looked at me differently. I could tell she was sad and her hands were embracing each other. Could it be that she wanted to cry but was holding back? Could It be that she was so mad that she wanted to beat me? In any case, I would accept it.

“You didn’t deserve to live what happened, you didn’t deserve to be in that much pain whenever it was your responsibility or not, you did everything you could to protect them, and you’re doing everything you can to solve this and protect us” I held her hand. “If someone here is not doing everything they can to solve this, is me, not you”

I’ve been there before. We lost our minds and prayed to God to be fine. Looking for answers, protecting the ones we think we have, following blurry paths that had been drawn for others, not asking anything, thinking that we know where we are. In reality, we don’t. We are so sure that if the walls start falling it’s because we touched them, not because they built it like this. Cursed by our own minds, we are trying to find an excuse that make us rationalize everything better. Even if that means to feel worst.

“I woke up minutes before going back to rescue him” She said. “I’ve never been more scared in my entire life” One step closer. “I never realize I had feelings for him until I saw him dead”

To get there _._

“I loved him so badly”

To get to us.

“He was suffering, and they found him first”

This poor little baby, woke up in the middle of the war.

“I was confused, I didn’t know how to walk how to do anything, I’ve never felt so much pain, that much guilt… when they kidnapped me, I knew how to break free but I just couldn’t do it”

There she was, this is Lara.

“It was an out-body experience if you ask me, I forgot how to exists for a moment” Pause. “They sent a team to rescue me but when they found me, I was dismantled, in pieces, my hands were destroyed, my head was wide open for everyone to see”

You’ve got to be so cold to make in this world.

“They rescued me, put me back together, but Cyberlife refused to help me recover completely since Kamski wasn’t the CEO, and the new CEO wasn’t going to produce androids anymore so… I ended up not being able to deactivate bombs, my strength wasn’t the same as before, my hands were useless to everything else except interrogation” Pause. “I could tell everyone was disappointed in me, being a Trojan and not being able to do everything I was meant to do anymore, the people that used to want me in their crews didn’t talk to me, it was like… I became invisible”

That’s why I told you I couldn’t understand why you wanted to feel in here.

“Being awake meant that I was aware of pain, indifference, jealousy, I woke up to be the outcast of the people that I thought cared for me” She allowed herself to cry. “I was destroyed to protect them, but they treated me like I failed, even if I feel like I’m doing my best, I can’t help but think that I’m in the corner, for no one to care”

“Because you weren’t useful to them anymore”

Having your own worth, knowing your flaws and your opportunities, it empowers you. Until then, until you know the real you, it’s okay to feel lost. Allow yourself to be in the void, embrace the darkness of every path that has been draw. You and I, are both in the middle of nowhere, trying to find pace.

“I know” She said.

No need to scream, it’s fine as long as you know it.

“Who are you then?” I asked.

We’ve been on display long enough to know everyone’s watching.

“A product to society I guess”

It’s time for you to look at them in the eyes, not look away.

“Who are you really?” I whispered.

How shameless.

“You’ve got nothing to prove, you’ve got nothing else to lose, you’ve been through hell and more”

Being used to protect, being used to kill. And being shamed for the scars.

“I still fear that I don’t know how to be me anymore”

For a long time, androids and humans were on war with each other. In retrospective, I was part of the population that hated them for no valid reason, hell, I remember clearly how much of a dick I was when Connor came around. Now, this living being is looking at me with teary eyes. Not even knowing how is it possible, she is digging a deep hole in my heart. I could understand why she felt not enough, all her life feeling trapped with herself, expecting some kind of mercy for someone that shouldn’t have to give her anything.

“Lara” I said. “Your name is Lara, not Trojan, you know, that right?”

“I do”

“Whoever else in your shoes would have just quit this job, you’ve been through torture, despair, and war, for me, all I see, is a badass woman who has more guts than anyone else that I know, you don’t need your hands to prove your worth, everything that you’ve done, everything you are, is who truly _Lara_ is”

Healing is a long process.

“I’ve killed so many people, I’ve saved so many more, it’s hard to stay sane after realizing what have you done” She mumbled. “It’s harder to face that you didn’t do it because you wanted to” 

One that is hurtful enough to prove our worth.

“I don’t know what to do anymore”

To listen to our inner voice.

“All I know is _kill, protect and run_ ”

And find out who we really are.

“I don’t know how to be human; I don’t know how to regulate my emotions and to be fair, most of the time I don’t understand everyone else’s feelings too, but I—”

Who we want to be?

“I really want to be alive”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!! My heart can't thank you guys enough for reading my novel. I'm so excited for you to see what I have in mind. This couple is really powerful and will surely have some of the greatest moments in my writing story. Again, thank you. Much love, Tex.


	21. Hold On, We're Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you, i'm sorry".

It was about time.

I missed the omens bringing me some kind of peace, even if it wasn’t peaceful at all. The feeling of rejection, and numbness that closing my heart meant, brough nothing but even more pain. I knew that it was about time I had dreams again, I knew exactly _whom_ dreams I was going to have. The probabilities were all against me, the odds were sincere. If I were to feel for someone, it was obviously be _him_.

That night, when I closed my eyes, I could see myself being beaten up, crawling on the floor, with blood all over my face. My expression was one of _pure horror,_ and the floor was covered with red as well. I could tell he was crying, and I could feel what appeared to be some kind of drug being used to sedate him. Nines’ limbs were weak, as if he couldn’t use them, but they were moving. Like a movie inside a movie, spectating what was happening.

I heard something in the distance, but couldn’t decipher what it meant. Everything around Nines was extremely corrupted and very confusing. Dizzy, painful, _everything hurt._

I felt my neck on his hands. Something about the warm sensation of the blood and my body was sickening and depressing, and awfully real. The reflection in my eyes was one that remind me of the day in the laboratory. He was broken. Helpless and screaming for help, trying to stop himself, trying to run away. I couldn’t move, and so did he.

I felt my heart crushing. I had the feeling of being there before. Not breathing, feeling anxious. I wanted to touch his face, make him look at me, ask him what was wrong, plead for my life. I wanted to hug him and put him closer, even if I knew I needed to run away.

It wasn’t long before I woke up to Lara, Gabrielle and Justin around me, I had the same annoying things connected in my head, and even a small monitor in front of me that read the activity of my brain. I didn’t know what to say apart from “What the fuck”, but waking up from a nightmare isn’t exactly ideal to play dumb.

Lara was watching the whole process, Justin was writing something on a white notebook, and Gabrielle was narrating whispering some mumbling things. When they spotted my open eyes, they went silence -apart from Lara, she was quiet before- and welcomed me with a smile, one that was softer that it should be.

“I had a nightmare and you guys are studying me?” Gabrielle giggled a little but didn’t take it seriously. While I, on the other, was a little distressed.

“It’s the first time I’m actually studying you while you are seeing the future, this is better than any kind of test” I couldn’t fight her, I knew I need it. Even then, waking up seeing a lot of people staring at me while I sleep was kind of nerve wracking. “What did you see?”

“How did you know I was seeing the future?” Lara raised her hand and I looked at her.

“When I first met you, you fell asleep in the car and had a nightmare, the pattern repeated itself again and I contacted Gabrielle” She said. “I thought it was a possibility, I wasn’t sure whatever it was the future or something else”

The first time we met I remember listening to them talking while I was dreaming, walking on a street. That time, for some reason, I was convinced it was Livonia. Now looking back, the night when Nines and I went have dinner together, the street we walk on, it was the same. In my sleep I saw Ethan’s face at the end and then woke up. Like a corrupted omen, now I was wondering what did it mean.

“What did you see?” Gabrielle repeated, ignoring Lara. “Tell us”

“Nothing good” I sighed, and sat down. I glanced at Nines and Lara did as well. We were both on the same page, and were sure of what we didn’t want to admit.

“Nines, right?” I nodded. “I knew it”

“He’s going to wake up, beat me up savagely, and I don’t know what else” I mumbled, putting my hand on his. Making Gabrielle and Justin stare at each other. I didn’t give them any attention, we had something bigger going on. “This is the chip, it’s some kind of drug for androids, it makes them submissive and under control of something else” I said.

“Someone else” Lara corrected me and Gabrielle sat down next to me on my bed.

“We know about the same of that matter” She whispered, blatantly staring at my hand holding Nines. “You see, since the sample of the chip is in Detroit, we only have pictures here, we can’t study how it works in depth” I nodded.

“So, we contacted Kamski to take out the chip” She said and I looked at her with hopeful eyes. I remembered that guy saying that he could take the chip out by himself. At that time, I was sure he was bragging, but now I needed him to be truly capable of. “When the FBI contacted him, he offered his help in trying to take the chip out of Nines”

“Why?” Strange.

“I’m not sure” She admitted, frowning. “He said that he wanted to prove he was trustworthy, and on our side, considering we only have two ex-employees of CyberLife whose experience may not be enough to examinate the chip efficiently, Kamski is the best way out, the General talked to him and they exchanged some hours of talking, he didn’t give us many details of it, he just said that it was important to bring Kamski here”

Lara said she don’t trust CyberLife to be involved in this. And they have two people that used to work there. What is going on.

“Here?!” I hated having someone else as superior than wasn’t Lara. At least, Lara gave me the feeling of being in the same place as her, and she shared every detail with us at the time. Now, I was so lost about what was happening, just immersed on the future reading. I didn’t know what was my function anymore. “God damn, I thought I was a detective”

“You are” Justin answered. “But right now, your role as a Detective may not be as useful as your role of psychic”

“I’m not a psychic” I got some bad looks from that. “I mean, I don’t know what that means so…”

“We tend to change positions if we need to” I heard Justin continue talking, sitting down in front of Nines’ bed on a chair. “Right now, we need you in this role more than being a Detective, we got enough of them”

“Right” Funny.

“It’s not like we have lots of people reading the future, you know” This is exactly what Lara said.

“I understand, but that’s besides the point” Disposable. “My point was, we don’t really know if Kamski was truthful on whatever he said while talking to the General, even if it doesn’t make sense, we can’t clear him out of being a suspect, and you want to bring him here? To the only safe area we have now”

“First of all,” Gabrielle stated. “Mister Kamski has been cleared of any suspicion related to the chip” Just like Lara said _._ “Second of all, if he tried to do something to Nines we’ll know, we have two people that used to work on Cyberlife at the time”

 _Uh…_ too optimistic to think that you can stop the creator of androids to do something that only he could know.

“So what?”

_Is there something wrong, Gavin?_

“They know enough to detect any abnormality in the process, we understand the importance of maintaining Nines as a whole, his operative system is extremely advanced, we can’t risk to lose him, we trust him to keep you safe, and to help the investigation”

I assumed something that even Kamski admitted.

“Kamski wasn’t the creator of Nines, right?”

The day he met him, he said that he had never seen someone like him. He even admitted to read about him.

“No, the RK900 was created months after Kamski resigned, he was one of the few models that the new CEO created, and then stopped completely”

“When exactly?” Gabrielle looked at Justin and he frowned closing his eyes, remembering something. Not waiting for Justin, Lara came forward and responded:

“He was created in 2024, one month and a half after Kamski’s retire from Cyberlife” I frowned. “You meet him this year, didn’t you?”

“I did, I didn’t know he had that little time being alive” Dots. “Didn’t you say the new CEO doesn’t want to be involve with androids?” They seemed to be more visible.

“She seems to be disinterested in developing new androids, yes” She responded. “What are you thinking exactly?”

“I’m concerned about… not knowing why the new CEO created a new android, especially one like Nines”

“What do you mean?” Asked Gabrielle confused, not really understanding the conversation between Lara and I.

“Levón Blumstein was another person of interest; do you remember seeing him in the cash flow statement? We saw a payment made in 2023, weeks before Kamski’s resignation of being the CEO of Cyberlife, this… Alyssa Hill created an android whose specialty is being a human-like _killing machine”_

“Now that you mention it” Interrupted Lara. “I read the statements made by the detectives that underlined Levón’s name, they only thought it was odd considering the background of Levón and his interests, more than that, Levón is considered to be one of the smartest man in the world, if it wasn’t for that payment, we would never knew he had something going on with Cyberlife at that time”

“I’m taking Kamski’s seriously for once” I mumbled. “If he was telling the truth, Levón is even more suspicious” Lara nodded. “I’ll try to clear him out in my head, but there’s something weird in that guy”

“His ponytail?” Lara whispered, and I tried not to laugh.

“When you’re talking about interest you are talking about guns, right?” But I had to recover quickly. “I figured, to be honest…” I sighed. “Everyone can figure that”

“Nines can’t shoot bullets from his eyes, you know, that right?” Said James, in a sarcastic tone.

“Have you ever seen and RK900 in a fight?” I mumbled, annoyed. “Have you ever seen _Nines_ in survival mode? He’s brutal, he’s a _beast_ ”

Lara nodded in silence.

“What I’m trying to say, is… look at the few models that were created after Kamski’s resignation, look at what they do, apart from Nines, I’m sure you’ll find lots of fighting androids out there”

“That’s correct” Lara collaborates. “Apart from the RK900, there is lots of betas designed for military purposes, like me, they are created for assassination, infiltration, and any kind of combat” Sometimes I forget that Lara is a killing machine too. “All made for the United States, as a request of the president”

“Is that official?” Gabrielle asked, and Lara nodded.

“And what does that mean?” James asked again, in disbelief. I took a deep breath and responded.

“Levón Blumstein created only guns when he was Kamski’s partner in Cyberlife, his record only has guns and stuff related to war and violence, I don’t think that’s a coincidence”

Silence.

“Are you trying to say that Levón and Alyssa have something in common?”

“I’m trying to say that if Kamski is telling the truth, and we can trust him, then the chip was made by someone who worked with him, who had the technology, and knew androids as well as him, if it wasn’t him… then surely it was his partner”

“Levón” I nodded and Gabrielle frowned. “I don’t know… we haven’t been able to contact him for a while now, no one actually has any idea of where he lives or what he’s up to, he just happens to appear sometimes on shows and then disappears again”

“I think he and Alyssa Hill need to have a talk with us” I mumbled, holding Nines’ hand tight. “It would make sense as to why the chip couldn’t be inserted easily at first into Nines’ operative system, because it isn’t the same as the others”

“But he’s awake, like the others” I looked at Justin.

“Everyone with that much intelligence would wake up anyway” And he nodded. “Nines’ has so much personality, there’s no way he wouldn’t”

“Right” Lara tried to change the topic, at least related to me and Nines’ relationship. “When is Kamski coming?”

“One hour I think, they went to pick him up”

These feelings were ones I missed a lot, even if they meant an omen of pain, I’ve had enough of shutting them down. I felt light headed, overwhelmed by little bit of emotions going around, at least last night I felt my head ache listening to Lara’s story. I never realized, that the more I kept rejecting everyone else’s emotions the more I became easily disturbed. Gabrielle told me, yesterday, that based on how my brain worked, and based on the testimony I gave to them, the more empathy I showed to people around me, the more my brain can see.

To put in simply I believe. Because the look on her face was one that screamed stressed out _“how come you don’t know anything about yourself”._ I can’t blame her; I’m screaming at myself too.

“Could you please give me a moment of privacy?” I asked, aware of what will come. They nodded, not saying anything. “Lara, I need to ask you a favor, so please don’t go just yet” Justin and Gabrielle left me alone with Nines by my side and Lara standing up next to Nines’ bed.

The excuse of bed that I was staying on was just an old sofa covered in blankets, but it was enough for me to feel secure with him by my side.

“What is it?” She asked, calmly.

“Please give Nines some of his senses” And then, she panicked. “At least give him his hearing, I need him to hear me”

“Gavin, that’s—” _Please._ “I don’t know if it’s a good idea”

“Please” I beg you. “I’ve got no time to lose”

“You know it’s dangerous, we don’t know who might be listening, I can’t risk—”

“Lara” I whispered, trying to keep my posture. “I’m almost positive this is the last time I will talk to him, just please give me time, I need to say some things”

I could tell she didn’t want to, but felt my distressed and anguish enough to give him some of his senses back. “He can hear you now” She mumbled. “When you’re done, give me a sign so that I can’t turn them off again”

_It was about time, Gavin._

“Nines” If this is the end, I need you to hear it. “I know enough to think that you’re going to kill me today” I’m sorry. “And I know I’ve been a terrible partner sometimes, I know I’ve got some guts that a lot of people can’t deal with, I know I’ve been unfair lots of times, and I’ll never forgive myself for letting you alone in the dark that night”

Help.

“I wish I could’ve heard you well that night, at least I would remember your voice saying that… you loved me”

I endured this so well. I did good.

“I know this is unfair and you would probably slap me for saying this now that you can’t say anything but… I love you”

Now I need time to cry.

“Everything around me is falling apart, I don’t even know who can I trust and who can I love, I am so scared…”

Because later I will have nothing.

“I wish I could have held your hand, say I love you back, walk and dance in the dark, I wish I could have done it differently, I’m sorry”

I’m freaking out about this whole man I’m supposed to be, because down here is hard to breath.

“I need you to know that I forgive you” I whispered, holding his hand tight. “No matter how painful my expression may look, no matter what, I will always love you” Holding his hand against my forehead, I closed my eyes. “You did nothing wrong Nines” Tears falling down my cheeks. “No matter what, you never did anything wrong” What a waste. “I’m okay with this, I’m fine with this”

If I were to die, then I would rather pick your hands than theirs.

“I love you… I’m sorry”

I placed one kiss on his hand, one kiss on his forehead, and collapsed next to him, crying my soul out.

Being the child of the universe, was the most painful thing anyone could do.

After some minutes I stood up and called Lara to turn his senses off. She looked at me and in silence, we hugged for some long minutes.

We both knew that today was going to be painful to live.

I went eating some now cold breakfast. Lara stayed by my side, reading out loud the statements made by the Detectives for me. I was making some mental notes, while checking on Nines in the other room, being watched by the same team that was assigned to protect me at the beginning. Thinking if the omen I had were to be true, would I be able to fight back? Would I be able to shot him?

That day in the laboratory, I remember pleading with him “ _Please, I don’t want to shot you”,_ crying, scared. Helpless little boy hiding under the desk. The fear was real, and I thought, surely, my time had come. In the nightmare, I could see my expressions, those were as fearful as the ones I had when my mother came with rage to my room. I knew, at that time, I was a child, weak and with no experience whatsoever in fighting. I believe that, even if I had any, I wouldn’t have fight her. I couldn’t hurt her.

The feelings I had for Nines were as complicated as the ones I had for my mother. I wanted to protect him, and be loved by him. How could I aim a gun at him? How could I escape him? I wasn’t sure if I was brave enough to endure it.

I had to trust Lara, to believe that, if anything happens, she was going to be there. I had to trust the team of people that were here to protect me, even if that meant that surely, some of them were going to die.

“Gavin” Lara interrupted my thoughts. “Are you listening?” I shook my head and she left the papers on the table, looking at me with what appeared to be a pity face. “You know I’ll be here the entire time”

“I don’t want anyone to get hurt, I’m sure he will kill someone” I mumbled, closing my eyes and leaving the spoon I was holding on the now, empty plate. “Even if everyone knows what’s going to happen, I’m not sure if they know how to fight him”

“Look” She said, glancing to see if someone was listening or looking at them. _“I know they are going to die, it’s obvious”_

True.

“They are all scared” She whispered. “Their only hope is Kamski, but if I’m being honest with you, Kamski is extremely aware of something that he doesn’t want to admit, he’s scared too”

“Of what?” She shook her head. “Then why is he coming here? That’s such a stupid idea”

“The General talked with him for hours, I’m not sure what did he say, but whatever it was, it is enough for him to trust Kamski” Silence. “They believe he’s the only way out”

“But is he?” She shook her head, once again. “God dammit”

“We’re playing with possibilities, and the only person that we know can create the chip or can remove it is Kamski, whenever be like it or not”

“That’s why I should be able to see the god damn future” I looked at the ceiling and sighed. “Why am I so good at being useless?”

“You are not useless at all” I felt her hand on my shoulder. “But just like me, you just started to work with your ability, is obvious you don’t have enough training to use it as will”

It didn’t matter that she was right, I was pissed.

“Gavin” I heard Gabrielle calling me, looking at me Lara for a second and then glancing back at me. “It’s time for practice, let’s go”

“Right”

Standing up, Lara gave me a weak smile and I gave her one back.

Exhausted, sleep deprived, fearful of death, but I had to pretend that nothing happened. I had to pretend that everything was under control. At the end, staying in that lame hotel -where all my clothes were, and this place had only cold water to have a shower with- was useless considering the only major danger was always by my side. Dramatic to think about, but always truthful.

“Gabrielle” She looked back with a kind smile on her face. “I need you to force me see the future of today, no matter how, no matter what, I need to know what’s going to happen today”

I felt Lara and everyone else’s eyes on me. Gabrielle’s expression went to numbness and just nodded in response.

“Gavin” Said Lara, and I looked at her, with the calmest expression I could find. “I don’t think that’s—"

“I’ve got things I don’t want to lose” I said. “And I’m all they have too”


	22. Art of silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Gavin's childhood, his mother, and a trip to the universe.

I’ll tell you about the nightmares I’ve had since I was a child.

The first time I realize I was different; I was only 5. I remember my mother coming upstairs, screaming and cursing about the disgrace that heaven had brough upon her. Asking God why did he leave her with me. Asking why could she never be happy. I hide down my bed, the dust entered my nose and I covered it with my fingers, trying to make no noise. The vision of my mother was blurry, and I could feel pain on her chest. When the door opened, I saw myself hiding, crying, terrified of my mother, but even then, making no noise. With the madness that alcohol causes, my mother searched for me frantically, screaming my name, calling me names.

She dragged me down the stairs, collapsing on the floor, she began cursing me, saying how I was the monster she was trying to kill, so she could be free. When she looked back at me, my nose was bloody, the trauma on my neck was obvious, enough to make me sick. She looked closer, for a second, and realize it was broken. A pale and deathful stare of my body gave her goosebumps, she remained there. Looking at me, in silence.

And when I thought this “ability” couldn’t be more horrendous, I realize something. The feelings of my mother weren’t ones of grief. She was happy. Happy as she will ever be.

At that time, I knew my life was different than other children. While their moms would come and pick them up from school, I never question the long waiting of my teacher to tell me “It’s time to go home, Gavin”. I was okay.

The rationalization of pain and darkness make me never question the decisions of my mother. Her actions were always justified. Not a doubt, I was a bad child. Nothing to question, I was a monster. And how could I not believe her? Every time I went to sleep, I woke up screaming, having these images in my head about the danger of my mother. Seeing everything through her was what convinced me of the monster that I was, because, at that moment, I _was her._

Hearing Gabrielle and Justin question me about my family and if whenever I have relatives who shared the same ability as me left me wondering… Did she know? Was she trying to run away from the nightmare that she created? I never had a chance to talk to her, like family. The only time we could talk was when she was drunk and watching the TV. She would hug me, say that she’s sorry. And I would think that it’s all good, after all, I was the monster.

Not her.

Through the years I mastered the art of shutting down. Not letting anyone come inside, protecting my head from collapsing again. Trying to pretend I was dead, when it came time to face the only thing that kept me alive, I failed.

Empathy, that’s why. 

I never thought about the consequences of being a police man. What empathy would you show? At the end, all you do is follow some rules that some guy wrote for you. Holding a gun, walking around, watching. Never once I felt my heart ache for some random human whose misery was visible in their actions. But when I came home, there was them.

My family.

Ethan and Tina showed me what a warm house felt like. Seeing food on the table, hearing laughing and voices like echoes once you go to sleep, and knowing that tomorrow you’ll meet a familiar face to greet you with a smile. For once, I’ve got everything I wanted, and thrice, I lost everything I had.

It feels stupid. To feel betrayed when you knew you didn’t have to trust. It feels naïve, to hear myself cry at night, holding a knife to my wrist, knowing that once the blood runs out, it’s over. Knowing that I can “choose” to never suffer anymore, because there’s nothing I can do to stop playing to be the universe’s son. 

More than once I question the consequences of being alive. If I were to pick something, I would choose to stop existing. If I were to change sides, I would become a machine. Not emotions, not feelings nor thoughts. The universe let me have a piece of its mind, I would never become one with my life, because I’m living everyone’s lives. Seeing through your eyes might be painful, have you wondered how’s everyone else’s too?

 _Doubting_.

Ethan loved me, at least that’s what I saw. Then why did he do this?

_Existing._

Tina loved me, that’s what I know. Did she lie to me too?

_Living._

Nines loved me. Why did I run away again?

“I’ve got things I don’t want to lose” I know I can’t fight it. 

Would I be able to embrace it, finally?

“And I’m all they have too”

Not knowing what I was signing up for -and being honest, they didn’t either- I followed Gabrielle, and took a deep breath.

We talked for a while, not too long, since there was no time to lose. Not really into sweetening things, I told them we might die today. Simple, If Nines was able to almost kill me, then, he was surely able to pass through all the security that they had brough here. Gabrielle contacted the General and we talked on a video conference, breaking down the news. It was obvious, the decisions made by people who didn’t know me were questionable, but, feeling full of themselves was a double-edged dagger.

The chip wasn’t as helpless as expected, and they weren’t as capable as they thought.

“That only give us more reasons to call Kamski, he’s still our only option to take that chip out, perfectly” He said, in the coldest tone I’ve ever heard. “If you think you can do a better job than me, then start seeing the future, you might be useful then, from now, don’t call me because you _think_ something might happened, call me when you _know_ something will happened”

And with that, the call ended.

“I’m sorry Gavin, but there’s nothing else we can do”

I’ll throw it all away, just to protect this.

“I’m sorry Gabrielle” This is my last straw. “He won’t take this away from me”

I stood up and saw her, with her usual demeanor she frowned confused. “If you can’t help me heal this trauma today, you’ll help me trigger it”

“What?” Lara opened the door and looked at me with the same expression as Gabrielle. “Trojan”

“It’s not going to work” She said, not looking at Gabrielle. “You’ll end up more fragile, you could faint, it’s not the way to go Gavin”

“We don’t know another way to go” Justin opened the door as well, coming into the other side of the white room. “And if the General wants to play with tools, I have to play my cards too”

“Gavin, Lara is… I think it’s not going work either” He said, biting his lips, frustrated too. “We don’t really have much information about you, and the things that we have aren’t as… useful as we thought they were”

“At least not for us” Gabrielle admitted. “In any case, it will only cause you damage, it’s unethical”

“Are you worried of me being in pain for a little bit but not of everyone here dying?”

“We’re not going to die; you didn’t see that” Oh my god.

Enough.

“Wake up, everyone!” Are these guys serious. “If I can see myself being beaten up to death, and no one doing anything, do you think y’all are alive and thriving and having a picnic on the snow? **_No!_** **_You are fucking dead!_** “

Am I speaking the same language as these idiots?

“Look, Gavin” Gabrielle tried to calm me down. “You might think that’s the only way the future will go, but you told us the future changes if we do something, so we’re expecting to move faster than the future itself, so it won’t happen, you understand?”

“Wait, you are the one who doesn’t understand” I whispered. “I don’t know what Kamski will do, intentional or not, but whatever he’s going to do, will cause Nines to wake up, and once he’s awake, he will be a total beast”

“Then we can just… not wake him up, what about that?” She said, and I looked away, clenching my fists. “Let’s go back to therapy…”

Will it be too much?

“I told you I need to see the future” I said. “I need to see what’s going to happen, today, no matter what, and I need it _now”_

“We can’t trigger a trauma Gavin, you will just shut down and probably lose all the progress that you’ve made with your own mental peace, one that you need to move on of the trauma, _we’re not going back!”_

To hurt myself again?

“Then I guess I have no other choice”

Go on.

“Gavin…”

Crumble.

“I’m getting out of here, I won’t die”

I walked away of the room and Justin followed me with Lara by his side. “Gavin, think about it please” He was saying as I took a deep breath. “You’re not going to get anywhere; we are too far away from everything”

“Then let me do it here” I said, stopping suddenly. Feeling watched. “Don’t bother me, but don’t stop me either”

“Please don’t do it”

“You can’t stop me” I’m tired. “No one can”

“He’s not going back” I heard Lara whisper. “He’s not lying”

Let’s see how much you guys really know about me. And why you don’t want me to try.

“Do you know what’s going to happen and you’re just sure that I’m not useful anymore? Are you going to let me die?” I asked him, trying to clear my mind a little bit.

“I won’t let you die” He said. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, we’re trying to make progress, if we trigger you, we might lose the progress you’ve made, you’re barely stable! You won’t stand being trigger at all! Emotions take you over really quick, no wonder why you are frantic right now”

I looked at Lara, and she nodded in approbation.

“Even if you are telling the truth, I still need to know what’s going to happen”

“Gavin” Lara put her hand on my shoulder. Trying to maintain her posture. “What exactly do you need to see?”

“How will it happen, and what comes next” I said. “If I’m able to see it, then at least you will know”

“At least I will know?” I nodded. “You are convinced you’ll die today, aren’t you?”

“Yes” If I can’t be here to protect them. “Lara, he’s all I have”

At least you will know who to look for.

“There’s a lot of questions that need answers for anyone to make a move, I’m not leaving without seeing them” I said.

_No time to lose._

“Gavin, it will be painful” She whispered.

_No straw to hold._

“It has been always painful”

_No house to come back._

“Let’s go”

_All I want, is here._

Once we turned the tables, everything was clear.

On the white room was a table. A table with a single chair. In front of the chair was a wall, one that allow you to see since the exterior was glass covered with your reflection. Is not a mirror, is a window.

While others were there looking at me, curious of what will happen, others were praying for me and my brain. Needing it, or caring for it, whatever it was, it was the same. Gabrielle asked me what I needed, and I said:

“Silence”

That was enough.

I looked around the white walls and closed my eyes. Continuing the narrative, I had to trigger myself to see the future. At least, I know that helps. If Nines were to kill me today, I had to know what comes next. Who is responsible for this? What is Nines going to do? How can they help stop this? What we know of the chip is barely nothing, we have speculations about what it does, and since the chip is in Detroit waiting to be transported here, there’s nothing else they can figure until it’s here. Since is a pretty special material and a unique sample, we have to make it safer than anything else ever transported.

What we know is that a lot of people want the chip, what I think I know is my brain is being shared with lots of maniacs who think they can do something with it. At the laboratory, they had information of my brain as well, Kamski admitted to have it too, and using it to create and AI unique for its androids. That’s why I can’t trust him. I can’t just pretend I didn’t see that, nor know what my brain can give to greedy humans.

I need to go back in time. Let’s focus on what that child felt. When nights lasted an eternity, and my mother’s voice resounded all over the place, I remember everything. What my brain can’t control is my will to suffocate me. Even if it wants to protect me, in the end, I need to hurt.

My mother. Her name is Claire. She was a beautiful woman on her younger years, a brunette with brown eyes, as intense as the sun. She melted everyone’s hearts with her presence, that’s how she met my dad, that’s how she got me. I never knew my father, but what my mom always says, is that he’s gone because of me.

I ruined everything for her.

When I ran away from home, I had bruises all over my body. My mother came back home, mad and drunk, and beat me with a stapler, that’s all she managed to hold properly at least. I remember running through the whole house and closing the door of the washing room. She yelled and cursed about how much of a “pussy” I was for not fighting her, that she could take me even if I wanted to hurt her too.

Now that I think about it, she was so mad that I loved her, she wanted me to hate her too, so she would feel less guilty.

I never managed to hate her.

I begged her to stop, prayed on the washing room for God to please sent her wisdom and make her stop forever. Maybe sent her some love too. She didn’t stop until she passed out on the floor, drunk and holding the stapler.

I went back to my room and closed the door. With no energy left, I tried to fall asleep, thinking about school and the homework that I never managed to do because home was a nightmare. I remember seeing my reflection on the mirror, recognizing my hopeless eyes. There wasn’t a glitter of hope anymore. I stand up and looked for my bible, one that my teacher on second grade gave to me when she realized I was a “troubled kid”. I remember liking reading it when mom had someone over, just then, I would focus on the words that _God_ was trying to say to me. It felt like someone loved me, so much, and was trying to protect me from hurting.

I was looking for wisdom, for some advice to live on. Thinking that God would have any, I read:

_“My son, if you accept my words_

_and store up my commands within you,_

_turning your ear to wisdom_

_and applying your heart to understanding—_

_indeed, if you call out for insight_

_and cry aloud for understanding,_

_and if you look for it as for silver_

_and search for it as for hidden treasure,_

_then you will understand the fear of the Lord_

_and find the knowledge of God._

_For the Lord gives wisdom;_

_from his mouth come knowledge and understanding._

_He holds success in store for the upright,_

_he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,_

_for he guards the course of the just_

_and protects the way of his faithful ones._

_Then you will understand what is right and just_

_and fair—every good path._

_For wisdom will enter your heart,_

_and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul._

_Discretion will protect you,_

_and understanding will guard you.”_

How much more do I need to understand God? What else can I do to understand her? I’ve been trying to walk in blameless. Not hurting anyone, not lying to anyone. I’ve been trying so hard to protect myself from walking on the dark ways, persevere on the perverse path that my mother has been building for years. Has someone been lying to you? Did they tell you I haven’t been crying out loud for guidance? For guardiancy?

Who is it?

Is it you?

I closed the bible and within time I managed to fall asleep, and I prayed one last time.

“Dear God” I said, mumbling due to the pain that my body was in. “In this house of mine everything has been falling apart, it doesn’t matter how much do I call your name, nothing ever happens, what’s wrong? What am I doing wrong?”

The price I paid.

“Why did she never love me?”

The nightmares I endured.

“I’ve been asking, begging for wisdom, to understand and forgive what she has done to me, I’ve never lost sight of what’s most important in life, _love”_

All this time, all alone.

“You said you never leave the side of those who believe in you, and trust your actions, but I can’t take it anymore”

If that’s how it is, I might as well do something, alone.

“For my heart and my peace of mind, please, I beg you, restore faith in my mother”

One last time.

“Restore love in my mother”

And that is all.

“Amen”

That’s when I saw it.

I went to sleep, and in my dreams a nightmare appeared. I would wake up to my mother banging my door, opening it, choke me and yelled at me to fight her. Screaming for an explanation about why she was on the floor, questioning if I did anything to her. I could see myself turning blue. I was too tired. Too weak. Too dejected. Hopeless. I didn’t fight her, nor say anything. I just looked at her with lost eyes, tears falling down my cheeks. I was wondering, what was I thinking? What could possibly be going in my mind?

I was sure, all I could see was death.

Until all I could be, was dead.

My mother realized it. Then again, didn’t say anything for long enough. She stayed in my bed, staring at me. With open eyes, blue, with tears still in my face.

“Gavin” I heard. “Gavin…”

For the first time in my life, I could tell my mother was heartbroken.

“Oh my god…”

Falling apart, crying and crumbling on my body.

“What have I done?!”

It was the first time I felt warmness.

_“God, what have I done?!”_

I was sure God was late.

_Where is Nines._

Once my blood ran out, and my heart stopped, I felt myself being teleported to somewhere else. The pain and heart ache of my mother disappear and all I could see what’s that day on the building, being shot by that scum of the universe. The sofa being too old to protect me from anything, my whole body was hurting and bleeding so much. When my hands lost sense of touch, I heard someone calling my name. Nines’ vision spotted me very quickly, and a sense of relief filled my whole being, he felt in control of the situation.

The same light appeared in the hospital; I remember thinking how beautiful he was. Before realizing he was an android, I felt my heart shrink. Nothing else in my mind apart from the astonishment of his eyes looking at me. My face was pale and Nines’ was, again, calm. From his perspective, all he was feeling is peace.

_I need to run._

All he ever seemed to feel was peace.

_Focus Gavin._

I need to feel anguish.

_How can I go there?_

_“Now, really, how is my flavor? Do I taste like coffee?”_

His head is aching.

_“You look happier tonight”_

His head is confused.

_“I don’t want to play this game of being an asshole with you, I fucking hate it”_

Where did his peace go?

_“Is there something wrong with me?”_

There’s nothing but pain in here.

_“Please, just wake up, I don’t wanna shot you”_

There it is.

Every time he looked at me a part of him shattered. Caring little for his perspective, his thinking process was a mess. I felt his head hot, as if he had a fever. Nines’ appearance was one that could give you the hint of being alright most of the time, as if he knew what to do every time. In reality, he was as lost as me. He was trying as hard as me.

_I forced myself to see it._

_If the lights went out, I can feel it._

_I’m getting closer to him._

_I’m becoming one again._

_My heart is being destroyed._

_My head is protecting me to see what I shouldn’t see._

_My heart knows it too._

_But this valley won’t get any prettier._

_We will go down._

_Down._

_Deep inside my brain there’s a hole._

_A whole universe to explore._

_A whole world that I don’t know._

_And with time the frames of my thoughts start getting thinner, and thinner._

_Destroying the differences between me and him._

_We’re getting deeper._

_His blood filling my body._

_Becoming purple._

_Becoming human._

_I see myself laying on the floor, dead._

_Once it’s finished, he starts banging his head on the wall. As hard as he can. He destroys it. His body falls and his vision is blurred. I can’t hear anything but I can tell someone is getting closer. With this figure, behind it, lots of people are coming in. Not everyone is dressed the same, some of them have guns. I can tell Nines’ is feeling weaker and weaker, he will shut down soon._

_Where is Lara? What happened to her?_

I’m trying to see further, but Nines isn’t there anymore.

I tried to focus on Ethan, if that person might be Levón, Ethan might be there as well. When I least expect it, the vision changes.

A black wall.

Nothing else to be seen.

There’s a bed, similar to a jail cell.

A hear a sound, is a similar voice.

When he tries to see who is coming, someone drag him outside. I hear people cursing and yelling, there’s violence. A familiar figure is standing there. I could recognize her anywhere. Her black long hair…

_“Not needed anymore”_

Covered with blood.

_“Gavin!”_

I know is Ethan, I can tell by the amount of pain I felt.

_“Is enough Gavin, please!”_

The one who stepped in, who was it?

_“Someone please woke him up!”_

Where is Kamski?

_“Leave him alone!”_

I can picture Kamski in a black car.

_“He’s not going to die!”_

I know he’s terrified.

When the voices in my head turn into familiar voices, I can enter their worlds. In their reality, everything has a meaning. The man in front of Kamski is one that provoke chaos inside of him. The man whose name is luxurious and extravagant. I don’t know why, but Kamski knew right from the start. I can’t tell if he was in or not, but he knew. He always did.

It’s now snowy. Everything is as white as the light. A large building of metal, with a bunch of cameras. Kamski feels trapped, he knows there’s nothing he can do anymore. Helpless, hopeless. He’s looking around for a sign.

_“Justin, we have to wake him up”_

My whole body feels numb.

_“He’s not going to survive this”_

Nines.

_“Stop this, now, please!”_

He’s standing in a blue room. Everything looks so surreal. It’s a laboratory. I’m underground. And I’m at peace.

They’ve reset him.

_“Justin!”_

They deleted his memories.

“Okay, let’s take him on the bed”

I opened my eyes and realize what was happening.

“Gavin!”

My nose was bleeding so much it looked like it was broken.

“Dear God you’re ok…”

I was connected to an electrocardiograph; Justin was by my side and I was lying in a white bed on the white room. Everyone was watching and I was sure, everyone wanted to know…

“What did you see?”

They weren’t as worried as they were before of me being “triggered”.

“I’ll be dead… outside is night time” I mumbled, trying to wake up properly while Gabrielle was cleaning my face. “Nines will destroy himself after killing me, but will be reset on a big metal building in the middle of nowhere, is really luxurious and… has a big laboratory and… Ethan is there, so is Tina”

It wasn’t like I could pretend to be ok, it hit me harder than I thought. The mental strength I needed to do what I just did. I was drained.

“Tina will get shot in the head there, and Kamski is there too… Levón Blumstein” I said, feeling the urge of going to sleep. “Kamski knew from the start but I don’t know if Levón is the man who’s behind all of this” 

I wasn’t sure if that’s what I was, but I took my guess.

“Levón?” Lara asked, trying to maintain conversation with me. “How do you know? Did you see him?”

“Kamski knows” I’m trying. “We need Kamski… to…”

I need to sleep.


	23. Coming down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin's fever, and Nines' comeback.

He may be strong enough to break me in half, but I’ve got this fever that forbids me to walk away. I want to embrace him, hold him one more time, even when I’m sure he’ll tear me apart, I can’t pretend he already broke me in half. He saw me, and looked inside of me. Not knowing the why’s of my behavior, he didn’t need that to respect me. He didn’t need that to protect me. He didn’t need it to forgive me. For the way that I am, oblivious and a bad actor, I know it’s exhausting. At least I know for me it is.

If I had the chance to listen to his heart, no question anything, not worry about anything, I would hug him until I melt. With the snow, there goes my thoughts, and the lullaby that can be heard in the night whispers what makes me addicted. His voice. Used to have a castle everywhere I go, this time I felt hopeless, lost, weak. Where did my love go?

Silence and darkness helped me get through this, while my nose bleed, my head started to ache, seeing the realities that the universe showed me, I picture my own actions and gave them consequences, more importantly, I gave them the real weight they have. I’ve been wasting time for so long. Too tired to accept my own behavior, too blind to move on with my past mistakes, damaged enough thanks to my past… even when I tried to change it and embrace it, I couldn’t. It ate me alive.

Having Gabrielle by my side and Lara protecting the door of my room, they tried everything to keep me there. I wanted to see him and talk to him again, but Lara forbidden me to do so. I was weak, barely able to stand up, I knew I stood no chance to win in a fight. Being honest, even if I was stable, I would still be weaker than him.

It doesn’t matter, I can’t hurt him anyway.

I have been praying since I was child for God to give me advice and wisdom, one that could help me understand my reality and cease my pain. I’ve been up countless nights talking to him, questioning my actions and their validation, if I was a good child, then why do I keep hurting this bad? Looking back, the little love I had was corrupted, maybe that’s why God couldn’t see me. 

It’s coming down, coming down to me.

God is a being of love, forgiveness and patience. I always thought I wasn’t worth the hearing nor the warmness of him. But now I know. I found God in a _lover_. He sees me for who I am, forgives my defenses and understands my words. Trying to get closer, he already was in here. Like a guest, he came in and make his bed. He decided to stay.

I opened my eyes to encounter me connected to shit, once again. I could feel my body being so damn heavy, and my eyes were looking around to find someone to help me sit down. To my surprise, I was locked. And the door next to me was made of metal, so I was blind too. Where did they take me? I wasn’t in the same room as I was before. There was a single bed, some chairs and nothing else. 

I tried to stand up multiples times but couldn’t.

Soon I realized I had intravenous serum in my arm. I guessed I needed more vitamins to put myself together, I tried to think rationally a little bit. But in this situation, I believe is acceptable to be unable to breath in and out while waiting to be murdered by the person you love.

“The time…” I tried to look for a clock or any kind of artefact that could tell me the time, but there wasn’t anything in there. “ _Fuck_ ” I whispered, trying to move my hands and its articulations to regain power on my body. “Lara!” I yelled, anxious to know what was happening upstairs. “ _Lara!”_

Was it too late?

“God dammit…” I took off the blanket and look at the injection in my arm. “This is gonna hurt…”

And yes, I did it.

_“Fuck!”_

And of course, it hurt.

“Is Kamski there?”

I hated being this weak, but I hated way more to not know what was happening to Nines. I didn’t trust Kamski enough, it wasn’t a matter of sides, it was a matter of skill. We knew that taking the chip out was impossible without hurting the android’s system. And we didn’t want Nines’ operative system to be damaged, it would mean such a lost both technologically and personally. If I had to be honest, I didn’t care anymore about losing some of Nines’ skills. I just wanted that thing out for good. I wanted him to wake up.

“ _Lara!”_ I yelled again, sitting down on the bed and attempting to stand up to open the door and see by myself what was going on. “Where is my gun?” I asked, looking around and spotting my clothes, my jacket and my gun. “There you are”

“What are you doing?” I heard Lara opening the door. “Why are you standing up? You are supposed to lay down”

“Where is Nines?” I asked, and she frowned. “Where is him?”

“He is upstairs, where the hell would he be?” I nodded, calmer. “What are you doing?”

“Is Kamski here?” She nodded. “Is he doing the procedure yet?”

“Yes, he started a while ago”

There were scenarios in my head. One that advise me to not go upstairs and let them handle it. And the other with a fever. A fever of protection and need to see him. “Is Nines doing ok?”

She didn’t say anything but closed the door. Sitting down on my bed she invited me to sit down next to her. I was trying to remain calm, but the fever was rising. “You need to trust him; we know he isn’t the bad guy”

“I think I know he isn’t” I answered honest, sitting down on the bed. “But I’m so fucking worried”

“Nines is going to be fine; I mean is Kamski who we are talking about” She said, trying to calm me down. “He’s one of the most intelligent man in Earth, we have to believe that he’s there for a reason”

“I don’t care about that” I whispered, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. “If this chip wasn’t made by him, and he doesn’t know how it works exactly, he can make a mistake, I just can’t accept that”

“Even then, Nines would be ok, we don’t know how much his operative system can endure and he seems to be a resilient guy” I tried to listen to her as much as possible, but the wait was killing me. “You can’t give up on him”

“I’m not”

“Even if you are up there, there’s nothing you can do”

“I know”

“Then why do you want to see him?”

“Because…” I put my hands on my face. “The fever”

I’m craving.

“Are you feeling ok?”

I’m starving.

“I’m feeling sick”

I need him.

“What do you want?”

“Him”

I’m feeling anxious. I’m feeling stupid. Why did I waste my time like this? If I’m going to die today, my actions, all of that, seem so fucking stupid. I wish I could have listened to you that night.

“I want to protect him so bad”

To let my emotions, go and show him that I also am human. Trusting my guts was my mistake. The trauma of opening my heart misunderstood his advances, and every movement was seen as a threat. There’s nothing I can do to go back in time. Ironic considering I’m not like anyone else. But sincere, it reminded me of the human that I was. Indecisive, terrified and dishonest human being. Every time he tried to get closer, I pushed him away so cold heartly, I don’t deserve to feel like this. I’m not trying to mock him; I know he hurt so much back then. I know he is in pain right now.

One look may be deathly, I should have known. One taste is intoxicating, now I need more. The crave of affection that was there and couldn’t get is poisoning me. His eyes and his smile when he called me “Charming” and the dance we did at night. Everything was in my head, repeating over and over again. Making my head burn, I kept looking back.

The day in the building, getting shot protecting him. I could tell that look wasn’t as innocent as one could think. He was happy. He was touched. That not matter what I said, I still would protect him, even if he didn’t need it.

“I told him that as long as I’m here he’ll be safe” I lied. “I’m so fucking stupid”

“Gavin, you are here” She repeated. “You are with him”

“I’m not there” I mumbled. “He’s been alone in his mind for days, he doesn’t know what is happening, he doesn’t know what or why I feel like this, he can’t _see_ anything!”

“He’s an android, Gavin” She said, suddenly, making me frown a little bit. “He’s one of the smartest machines in the world, give him some credit” I felt her hand on my shoulder, once again. “He may be desperate to wake up, but he knows is for the best, he didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially you”

“I didn’t want to hurt him either but here I am” Feeling like shit. “Making mistakes over and over again”

“ _Gavin”_ She abruptly interrupted me. “Are you going to keep blaming yourself for the things that you did or are you going to try and fix them?”

“I thought I was trying to fix them” I admitted.

“You think you are by saying how bad you feel about it” She said. “If you really want to fix it, then start seeing what you can do about it, seeing the future was one thing, now think about the well-being of Nines” I sighed. “If he wakes up and tries to kill everyone, do you think he would like to see you there? Weak and not standing a chance to even defend yourself?”

“No” I mumbled, knowing the answers from the beginning. “I know”

“Then rise up!” She said, straightening my back. “If Nines needs something from you, is your support, and faith in him”

“I believe in him” I said, sighing. “And I also believe in the power of that chip, it terrifies me”

“We both know that the chip is dangerous enough, but so is Nines” She responded. “We have to believe he will be strong enough to fight it”

“That’s the thing” Is simple. “Nines is dangerous enough too”

Is really simple.

“Trojan” We heard outside the door a female voice calling for Lara. “We need your services upstairs right now”

“I’m coming with you” I said.

“You really don’t listen to anything I say, don’t you?”

Like that, she forced me to stay inside.

I re thought the scenarios in my head, the ones that showed me a fucked-up future and the pain Nines’ felt. The vision of my body dying was one I couldn’t forget, but the adrenaline that filled up Nines’ body was so… _terrifying_. He could kill everyone and everything that came across him. I felt his power and strength in such detail, I knew he was scared of himself too.

He knew he had to go to survival mode to stay away from hurting anyone. In Lara’s words, especially me.

I was used to fight death with my bare hands. But I couldn’t get used to fight Nines in any situation. Knowing that he’s in pain, knowing that he wants to stop but can’t. How could I ever hurt him? 

“Nines” I mumbled, looking for an answer in my head that could bring me peace. “I know you’re strong enough, I need you to fight with all your might” _Come on_. “Please come back to me”

“W—” I heard a commotion upstairs. People raising their voices and things falling. “What?” I couldn’t tell who was talking and what they were saying, but immediately thought the worst. _“Nines!”_ I’m trapped here. _“Lara, run!”_ I looked around and search for my gun as fast as I could. “ _Lara!”_ I screamed again, trying to open the door, but feeling the heavy metal impossible to give in. **“** ** _FUCK!”_**

I tried to kick it but was too weak to do anything. I needed a code to open the door and of course I didn’t know the fucking numbers. “Think, Gavin, think” If what I thought was happening then I had to prepare. “He’s going to come” I need to hide. “What can I do?” I need to do something. “I can’t do anything”

I felt helpless.

I tried to put the bed on the door but was too weak to move it. So, I decided to just turned it down and use it as a barricade for a while, maybe that would give me enough time to run if I needed to. I managed to take a deep breath and load my gun, trying to see the future of what was going to happen. I closed my eyes and tried hard enough to focus on him, just him.

If he was going to hurt me, I would be at his feet.

“Steps…” I heard them. “Someone is coming”

If he needed to hurt me… would I let him have his way on me?

“Please…”

If I die on him, would that be fair? To the two of us. For any of us.

“Nines…”

I need to live.

“It’s here”

But if I were to die here, I told you I was okay with it.

I held my gun close to my heart and took a deep breath, hearing the beats resounding in my ears, they were contemplating the expression on my face. If I shot myself, that could prevent him for hurting. It’s unfair, after all the wait, the fever took me down. 

“Please” I whispered, closing my eyes. “Please…”

In the verge of tears, I had one last request to God. “Please don’t hurt me”

I didn’t have time to think anymore. Suddenly, a familiar noise appeared. The door opened, slow and calmly.

_“Gavin”_

The whole world just… _stopped_.

“Nines?”

There wasn’t a single sound on earth, I forgot about the whole universe for one second.

“I found you”

_This fever._

“I was waiting”

_Was burning me down._


	24. Do I Wanna Know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunion in the middle of a crisis. Nothing out of the ordinary for these two.

I’ve got this fever that has been eating me alive. Ever since I realized the dumb decisions made out of fear were ones that forbidden me to be feel happier, every night I’ve allowed myself to say things that you can’t say tomorrow day. I’m aware of the looks, I don’t blame them. Even me, I can’t understand it. By his side, until I fall asleep, reciting out loud the thoughts that my heart demanded to pull out.

I have so many questions as to how is it possible that he is here, standing, not wearing the god damn annoying white jacket, with a calm and happy expression on his face. His hair falling down his face, like he just got up of bed. From all the words that I had in mind; nothing came out. The starvation was my weakness. Got no time to think about the situation and everyone else, got no space in my head to acknowledge the heaviness of my body. All I could think of, is right _here_.

“So was I” The secrets that this man knew were consuming him. “I’ve been waiting enough” He was starving too.

I stood up throwing out my gun to the floor. Looking at his eyes, crawling into his arms. I made it obvious, how bad I wanted him, maybe then he would exempt me from being honest. I could feel my head burning me down, distracting me from everything else. “I’ve got so many things to say, I don’t even know where to start”

“I know enough” He said, feeling him closer to me. “What’s that serum for?” His presence, his voice, the black sweater he had, everything was intoxicating me. “Are you ok?”

“I am” I responded, accommodating my clothes. “I… tried seeing the future at will and that took a lot of me” He didn’t frown nor say anything, he just stood there, in silence. “I guess that’s killing two birds in a row”

“I know about you seeing the future” I heard him say, looking down. “I’ve been thinking about it these days, trying to rationalize the reality but it’s… really hard for me to comprehend” Please don’t back down now. “But it’s easier for me to believe it than not doing it”

“I have no reason to lie about something like this” I admitted, matter of fact. “If the future proves me wrong is because I’ve done enough to change it, but I know that no matter what I do, it will all come back eventually”

“Do you fear me?” He said.

“No” I responded.

“You had a dream about me hurting you, right?” I nodded. “Was that supposed to happen today?”

“Yes” Not trying to walk away from myself, but it’s true. “That’s why I don’t know if I should be doing _this_ ”

“What is _this?”_ He asked. “What do you mean by _this?”_

How sweet. The mutual understanding of chaos and the need of blindness for one moment was sweet.

“You know exactly what I mean”

Take it or leave it. I need to know the answer.

“I think I do” He whispered.

“What did you hear?” Please _, say it_. “How much?”

**_Please._ **

“Everything” I don’t have the _guts_. “You seeing the future, everyone being upset with you for not saying it sooner, you guys forgot about turning off my senses the first time, what was that for?” _Stop it._

Silence.

“Did you know about that night? Did you see it?”

“No”

Staring.

“Did you know about the way I feel?” Closer. “Did you ever think about it?”

“I—” I’m so fucking exhausted. “I do know now” Of _waiting_.

“Let me hear it then” I underestimate him. “Or I _won’t kiss you”_

This bastard was even more exhausted of waiting, not able to say anything but hearing what he wanted to hear for so long.

“Are you testing me?”

“I’m teasing you”

You got the guts. I knew from the start… I like things that tend to be _deathly_ for me. This job, this life, _this guy_. I tried to lean in, closer, but my body was melting, hesitant to ask the simplest question, holding my soul from falling down my body, I was _burning_. The color of my cheeks was giving me in. We both knew, we’ve been talking to each other every single night and day. We’ve been thinking of each other every single time of the day.

“You want me crawling back to you, don’t you?”

It was obvious.

“I want you to be honest with me” He responded, with a very soft voice. One that I’ve never heard before. “You said it was complicated, now I know why” The mumbling voice, catching on my every move, it froze me. “If I tell you that I’ll be here any time you need me, would you stay?” Come on Gavin. “I’m strong enough to be by your side, we both know…” _Give in._ “…That you denying _something_ will be all _lies”_ I know. “I can’t keep listening to that, so please…” I’m cruel. “Be honest”

“I was so certain that you were going to kill me today…” I whispered, leaning my head onto his chest, recounting the reasons as to why I should open up. “If you were to really hurt me, I wouldn’t be able to shot you” Once again.

“You would let me _kill_ you?”

“I can’t—” Silence. “I can’t bring myself to hurt you”

The amount of energy his eyes transmitted was tempting me.

“Why?”

Calling me.

“Because I love you”

I never had the guts.

“You want me?”

But the urge is consuming me.

“Of course I do”

I think God saved his answer for this moment. Every day praying for a little bit of understanding and love, were finally delivered. His hands, while they didn’t have any kind of temperature exactly, now I felt them burning me. The touch on my face, in my right cheek, was solemnly enough to trapped me. His eyes connected with mine and we stare at each other for some seconds. Asking if this was the right moment to do so.

“I want you too”

Fuck that.

I’m not strong enough to resist. I’ve been waiting to see him for so long, I can’t stop me. He doesn’t want me to stop either. If my secrets are nowhere to be hidden, there’s no point in lying. I want to open up completely. If he knows who I am, truly, and even then, decides to stay, _he can have me._ And, now, if I can be honest with him, I can _have him too._

Those lips were hypnotizing me, putting my guard down, I melt with them. The strong urge of _give in_ was so refreshing. For the first time, I felt like I didn’t need to try harder, to hide anything, to be something, to protect me from someone. Putting my hands on his face I dragged him right into my lips. I felt my heart lighter, my limbs filling with the fever that he has caused, I closed my eyes and dived in with him.

Androids have a very special feel at touch. His lips were softer than I could ever imagine, they were getting me. I can’t come back; I don’t want to come back now. It’s hypnotic, it’s taking over me. Judging by my heart, _this,_ I won’t forget. Feeling like someone else, talking in my sleep I knew how much I missed him. This person right now is the happiest I’ve ever been. His hands, not knowing what to do, reached for mine and then attempted to place themselves on my waist. I looked at him, questioning if he was comfortable with all of this, but no other answer would have been clearer.

“Don’t stop or I’ll crush you”

“Bet”

He hugged me with the need of touch that I as well had. Feeling his body embracing me like that remind me of the charming that Nines had, one that no one else has.

“I love you”

His heart is honest.

“I love you too”

And his intentions are transparent.

“I really wanted to crush you when you came in and told me you loved me, and forgive me for the things that I was supposed to do” He whispered, on my neck. “I wanted to wake up and hug you, it was painful to hear, you’re so god damn…” Cruel. “Annoying”

“Good to hear you’re the same as always” I said laughing. “But I understand what you mean”

“I could feel you crying on my chest” His voice was softly whispering on my ear, and my eyes lay on the door, remembering that moment. “You sounded so miserable, I wanted to come back immediately”

“You did what you had to do” I responded, trying to make eye contact with him, but couldn’t. “I’m so proud of you”

“For what?” The innocence behind the question made me giggle.

“You’re the strongest person I know”

“I’m not human”

“Even better”

“ _Gavin_ …” I heard a giggle. “This is… out of a book”

“What was that?” I asked, confused. “What’s out of a book?”

“You and me” He said. “We’re… such an odd couple”

“According to who?” I reached for his hand and held it tight. “Don’t tell me you are the type who cares about what others have to say?”

“I’m not thinking about anything” He answered as fast as I stopped talking. “I’m aware that we may appeared as extravagant or even gruesome for some, but in human story that seems to be a trend that will never disappear”

“Well…” I mumbled. “That’s why being an android has its perks, don’t you think?”

He nodded smiling, giving me once again a tight hug.

“You really have such a charming effect…” I heard him say. “It’s you as a whole that makes me feel at peace”

“Me and my dark circles make you feel at ease?” I whispered sarcastic.

“You and your kind heart” He said. “Try hard enough to appear as the bad guy, it will only give you a prize for the effort”

“You’re so god damn _sassy_ all the time” I couldn’t help it. “Oh my god…” This guy made me really feel at ease too. I laughed not giving one single fuck about anything, his smile made me feel connected enough to know it was fine.

“Gavin” He looked at me and hesitated for a minute, he leaned in to kiss me but didn’t know how to procced. I stared at his lips and smiled, to my surprise he smiled back and lay his head on my shoulder. “If you want to kiss me now is the time” I whispered. “We have to go upstairs any time soon; we’re still working you know”

“I don’t know…” He mumbled. “I’m quite new to this whole love thing”

“Love thing?” I laughed and looked at him, he just looked away embarrassed. “What was that?”

“It’s true, Gavin” He saw me with those _eyes._ “Unless you feel like practicing for a while, I’ll keep being such a newbie on this”

“You son of a bitch”

He got his way.

“Kiss me”

And I got mine.

“Whatever you say”

So on, I kissed him for some more minutes of silence and peace. Like I said before, I’ve been everywhere, and everyone has shown me a part of their reality, filled with peace, joy, and pain. Right now, I took my place back, I demanded to live my life. And was ready to do so. I regain power in my life, living to survive, I wanted to get sicker of this fever, hope to be one and then never come back.

His fingers were playing with my hair and not a single thing came across to my mind apart from the touch, the affection and the starvation. Feeding my hunger, it filled me up. It didn’t matter how much more I could kiss him; I knew one taste was deathly enough.

“Am I getting addicted?” I admitted, realizing how wet my lips were. “What is wrong with you? Wait…” Then it hit me. “You… you have saliva?”

“Ah” He stayed quiet for some seconds. “It’s not saliva as humans, it’s what I use to—”

“Oh lord, don’t tell me you too go and lick blood from the floor” Thinking back when Hank shared with some of us how was to have an android as a partner and he mention it, considering Nines was the next generation of him… it would only make sense.

“I mean…” He didn’t deny it. “It’s normal for androids to have it so we can taste different things, I told you I don’t eat but can recognize flavors of different kinds”

“What’s my flavor? Blood mixed with cold oatmeal?” He let out a laugh white nodding. “Is it?”

“No!” He interrupted me. “Stop putting words in my mouth”

“That wasn’t all I was putting let me be clear” He continued to laugh for some more seconds and then went silence, staring at me. “What?”

“Your flavor is completely different that anyone else” He whispered. “It’s _hypnotic_ ”

I knew it.

“Well” He said, stepping back, looking away. “If anything, something is wrong with _you_ , addicted to some kisses?”

“Addicted to you stup—”

“Hey guys” We heard, suddenly the familiar voice of Lara behind us. “I’ve… been here for some minutes and was… you know waiting for you to stop… doing whatever” Ah. “We need to have a meeting and… can you please go up?”

“How long have you been there?” She looked away, not saying anything. _“Hey”_

“Anyway, let’s go” Said Nines, holding my hand and walking away.

_“No, wait”_

Is life making fun of me?

We came upstairs and felt _everyone_ watching. Couldn’t blame them, I guess it isn’t your everyday thing to see an android and a human walking around holding hands, so, I sighed and let go of Nines, he looked back at me, didn’t say anything, just smiled. We followed Lara and entered a room where Kamski, Gabrielle, Justin, soldiers and everyone else were already sitting down, looking at each other in silence. Once Nines arrived everyone looked at him, like one would see a ghost, wondering what they could be thinking, I asked out loud. “What’s next?” Trying to break the tension.

“Kamski has some things to say” Only to enter more tension. “Please guys have a sit” Lara answered me, and Kamski nodded in response. “We need you here Gavin, Kamski needs to hear what you saw in your dream”

“Let’s first hear what you have to say” I said looking at Kamski, he sighed in response but nodded defeated. The energy of this guy was extremely different from the first time I meet him. “Go on”

“It’s related to the chip” He said, putting his hand on the table. “I’m trusting that Nines will be fine now that he doesn’t have the chip and I can finally talk without a filter” We both nodded. “So…” And he sighed one more time. Lara reached out to him and he give in his hand, to tell the truth it was better this way. “I really don’t know how to say it without starting a fire, so here we go” I rolled my eyes to see Nines’ look, he was examining him as well. “Levón Blumstein is the creator of the chip” He said, looking at table, as if someone was pointing a gun to his head. “He helped me in the past, we were partners when I created CyberLife, he was my right hand” Nines took a sit next to me, finally, and looked at Lara’s LED. “He wanted to focus on guns, it was his symphony”

Lara’s LED was orange.

“Why guns?” I asked, curious.

“He sees guns as one would see a beautiful flower” He mumbled. “With adoration and respect”

I looked at Nines, remembering the background of his creation, him being a protype model and being in hands of the new generation of CyberLife.

“We had our differences and I thought we could work them out, but Levón never backs down” I heard Kamski continue. “He’s one of the most manipulative, smart and _charming_ man in Earth, he can lie so easily, can change the narrative of everything with such detail and honesty, it’s hard to tell which side you are in, for some time I thought I was the _bad guy”_ Interesting. “Every single time I asked to focus on androids and mention the advantages of those to society he would call me a _Misanthrope”_ Pause. _“_ Judging by how the events turned out I would probably call me one too, but that was never my intention” He admitted. “I knew it was a possibility, but was blinded for my own convictions”

Well. One could call you one really.

“Levón was outrage by me kicking him out of the project and winning the public’s approbation, especially when it came to sales, he lost hundreds… millions of dollars” First world problems are so scary. “He wanted to _destroy me,_ and I never question he would at the end” Sighed. “With the help of a lot of scapegoats that didn’t know exactly what they were stealing he managed to create the Cosmo’s chip” Pause. “I believe he wanted to start a war with me, without him doing anything”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He would insert the chip in millions of androids and then blame me for doing so, they would start riots and I would be the one that could possibly do it, he has washed his hands entirely from things related to CyberLife”

“What does Ethan have to do with this?” I interrupted, remembering why I wanted to take care of this at the beginning. “What did he really do for androids?”

“He’s a neurosurgeon so he helped me with the body of the android and some other things… related to the AI, he helped me understand _your_ brain a little bit better in exchange of his wife” He admitted to my surprise. “The information of your brain was crucial to create an intelligence so perfect it would be indestructible and more than anything, it would represent the next generation of flawless choices”

“Flawless?” Nines asked.

“With androids being able to see the future, reconstructing scenes and choosing what they know they _have to do,_ humans would reconstruct society into a new direction as well, real democracy, real justice, based on real wisdom”

“How did my brain end up in Yahir’s hands?” I asked, Lara nodding also curious.

“I believe the scapegoats managed to steal it too, and then sent it to Levón, that’s really what I’m most worried about” He mumbled, looking at the table again. “I don’t know if he understands it just yet, I know he will eventually…” Nines’ LED was orange suddenly.

“What does he want to do with it?” I heard Nines’ ask.

“I’m not sure”

“How much can you do with that piece of paper?” I asked, not really remembering how much information was in that investigation.

“It’s years of monitoring your brain and how it works, a brilliant mind can give it multiple uses, Gavin” He responded, death serious, looking down. “And Levón is a brilliant and greedy mind”

“The chip… is it really controlled manually?” He shook his head.

“I’m not completely sure” That made me lose hope. “From what I could see, this seems to be a conductor of some kind, receiving simple codes that sends the android into a merely operative phase, as if… they weren’t conscious anymore” How deranged. “Nines’ structure is different from _my_ androids, oddly, that made it easier”

“Why?” He asked, frowning at him.

“Well, my structure is way more complicated than yours” The tone of voice in this guy didn’t change, he was serious, but the way he phrases some words was pretty… eloquent. “Yours is a copy yes, but definitely your AI is completely different”

“How is he conscious then?” I asked. If Kamski gave their androids an “exit” to wake up, and he wasn’t the creator of Nines… why would Levón or Alyssa leave it?

“Probably because of you” He answered right away. “His AI is created based on your brain, obviously, since the base of androids in general is that…” He paused for a moment. “To put it simple, if I didn’t have your information, I would have never been able to insert emotions into androids, your brain gives insight of emotions from a different angle since your future reading depends on them, we managed to create an scenario similar to how you are aware of someone else’s emotions and futures, in this case, androids can’t see the future of people like you do, but they can reconstruct their own futures and plan ahead more carefully, in the end, they are aware of themselves”

“I’m aware of everyone” I mumbled. “I still don’t understand how is it possible” Looking at Nines’ LED I realized we both were on the same page. “If you can deduce all of that from a piece of paper, Levón should be the fucking devil”

“I was awakened thanks to Markus” Nines interrupted, still confused. “I didn’t know Gavin back then”

“Androids can awake themselves making each other conscious, but Markus would never have the ability to wake up androids if it wasn’t for _him”_

Curious.

“That’s a lot of power” I said thinking out loud and Lara couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Eh—”

“It’s fine, so” Kamski proceeded, not really caring much. “With Gavin’s information and now the chip, I really don’t know what Levón could be trying to do, this isn’t a fight with me anymore, he seems to be looking for something else”

“Gavin” Nines said without hesitation. “If Gavin says he doesn’t believe someone could do much with the information Levón has, and you, sir Kamski, don’t know what he could be up to, then Levón is somewhere up there, trying to create something that needs more information, he needs _him,_ his brain”

“Do you think the attack of the androids was so he could find me?” I mumbled, and Nines nodded.

“Think about it, the day of the attack was in such an odd place, and surprisingly, you were there”

“And so was Tina” I whispered. “Ethan’s daughter”

Nines seemed confused, maybe wondering if he already knew that or not since hearing things in your sleep isn’t the same as being here.

“I need to clear my mind a little bit” Nines mumbled and I nodded. “I’ll explain all later” I responded.

“Tina may be working for Levón too then” Kamski said. “Like I told you before, Ethan is under Levón’s control, I know he isn’t there at will, and if his daughter knows it, she would probably do anything to bring his father home”

“Even if that means bringing you to Levón, it would make sense” I heard Lara saying, looking at me. “But, why would he need Ethan if he already has the investigation?”

“Because Levón is smart, Lara” Kamski responded. “He needs to have all the tools to his disposition, so when he needs them” He looked at me. “ _He’ll use them”_

“Why attack other androids if he knew Nines was the only one, he needed to catch?” Kamski shook his head. “It doesn’t make much sense to me”

“Don’t jump to conclusions, with this man it’s impossible to guess right”

“Are you guessing?” Lara asked and he shook his head. “Good”

“Alyssa Hill is the creator of Nines, isn’t she?” I asked, finally.

“Alyssa Hill, the new CEO of CyberLife, is Levón’s daughter” He answered my questions. “It could be her or Levón himself, you can’t trust her either”

In that table, everyone looked at each other with suspicious eyes. We knew some of the people sitting there were ones that worked for CyberLife recently and resigned. The ones that helped Nines’ procedure tried to not look suspicious, but they knew we were watching. “I personally wouldn’t trust CyberLife at all right now” He admitted, not aware of the situation probably. “Lots of people that worked with me ended up working for Levón after I resigned, and the new generation of CyberLife is being managed by Levón’s daughter, nothing good will came out of it”

“So” Lara said, looking at the two people that helped with the procedure. “Shall we ask some question right here?”

“I don’t have anything to do with it” One of them said, shaking by the look on Nines and Lara’s face. “I swear I don’t”

“What about you?” We heard Lara asking the other one, a woman whose hair was as long as Tina’s. “Got something interesting to say?”

“Not exactly” She said, calm. 

“Are you involved with Levón or not?” Nines asked and she shook her head.

Silence.

“Wait a minute” Lara said, turning her eyes blue for a moment, scaring the shit out of me. “You’re… _you’re an android”_

“Is that a surprise?” Said Nines suddenly, frowning. “I thought everyone knew you were an android”

“What? No, I’m not!” She said, trying to maintain her posture. “How could I…?”

“What’s her name?” I asked one of the soldiers.

“Ellen” I heard one answering, and Lara frowned again.

“Is that your real name?” She asked, and Kamski stood up, with soldiers by his side.

“It—” Silence. “It is”

Nines came across the table and held her against the wall, looking for something on her clothes.

“Nines!” It seemed like he was abusing her. “What are yo—”

“How clever” He said, looking at Kamski, taking out a chip similar to the Cosmo’s one. “What is this?” She didn’t say anything. “I’ll recommend you to talk” He said, and the room went silence. “If you want to keep your pieces together”

“How could you tell she is an android?” Nines looked at me and frowned, interested in the question he proceeded to turn his hand white and put in in her head.

“I couldn’t feel any heart beats, but I could tell the stress levels” Said Lara, looking at her.

“You’re going to be disconnected if you are an android, so why not cooperating?” Nines said and she kept her silence. “Are you sure?” He mumbled again, and she didn’t say anything.

Putting his hand on her head she fell to the floor, lifeless.

“What a surprise” He said, and Kamski came closer to her. “What model is she?”

“She’s not one of my models” He said, looking at her face, asking Nines to retract her skin and he did. “This isn’t my creation at all”

“You’re lying” Lara suddenly said. “Why are you lying about that?”

“What? I’m not” We looked at each other for long minutes, in silence. “Why do you say that?”

“Are you scared?” She asked and Kamski stayed in silence. “Of what she heard?”

“If Levón was listening, it’s over for me” He responded, not really answering to Lara’s question.

I stood up, barely since I still felt weak, and lean in to see the android by myself. “Does she have a chip?” Nines looked at Kamski and he tried to look for the _scar_ that the chip left every time. “It doesn’t seem like it” I mumbled and Kasmki nodded.

“it could be merely because she was created with different settings” He whispered, and Nines stood up with me. “In any case, please check that this guy isn’t an android as well”

“I’m not!” He said, grabbing a fork that was hidden on his clothes and cutting his hand with it. Soon, it started to bleed. “I’m not! Please!”

“Okay!” I said, concerned about this guy’s brutality. “Jesus, no need to bleed all over the place”

“That’s unfortunate” I heard Nines saying, looking at the chip that he took from the android, now lifeless laying on the ground. “This chip is similar to the Cosmo’s chip” He whispered and Gabrielle came closer to take a look.

“Let’s take a break” I heard Gabrielle mumbling. “Gavin, we have to practice in a bit, please clear your agenda” I nodded, in silence.

While some soldiers were taking the now, lifeless android on the floor to somewhere else, Kamski stayed there. Looking at her, with his hands on his back.

“Practice?” I asked Gabrielle, and she looked back. “I can’t practice today, I’m wasted”

While everyone else was leaving, Lara, Nines, Gabrielle and Justin decided to stay. Gabrielle came closer to me and sat down, sighing. “I knew it”

“What?” Her energy changed suddenly, and all I could think of, was the erratic movements of her hands. “What is wrong?”

“I told you to _not trigger_ yourself, because I knew _this_ would happen” Justin came closer to her and put his hand on her shoulder, holding it tight. “It didn’t matter!” She snapped. “It didn’t matter Gavin! I told you everything would be fine! You just had to listen, **_for once!”_**

“No, _it wouldn’t!”_ So, I did too. “You were the first one who asked what did I see, you didn’t give a _fuck_ about me passing out or me bleeding all over the place”

“ _I did care!”_

**_“No, you didn’t!”_ **

“Gavin” Spinning. “Take it easy, stop yelling” On the edge of falling, I tried to put myself together, find balance. “You’re not solving anything like this” My head felt the dizziness of being on top of a hill, once I look back at the end, I will fall.

I’ll fall.

“Gavin?”

There’s a loop in my head that won’t stop repeating.

“Nines”

I’ve created a hole in there, I can’t close it.

“ _God dammit”_

Once the universe becomes part of me, it makes itself at home. And my head is struggling, to keep it all from hurt.


	25. Bury a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin wonders what do they really know, questions the intentions behind the operation. Nines questions Gavin's desires with him.

Downstairs everything was quieter. With a magnifying glass resting on my neck, this story was flawed, and everyone could agree. Holes showing from the expensive cardigan. Am I selling my soul? To the devil or to God. Would I be fooled thrice? Aiming my gun to the sky, shooting, I’m trying to guess where It’ll fall.

I could feel my heart beating, and my blood running out. Seeing, remembering, thinking. The contrast in their souls, is it too much for me? I’m trying. Do I keep doing it? I’m tired. They’re all sick. They’re all hunting me. Is he really understanding? Is he scared of me?

 _I’m exhausted._ I could hear myself complaining out loud. _I can’t go to sleep._ He’s judging me. I feel his eyes staring. I’m stepping on glass, everyone’s watching.

_I’m bleeding._

_I’m being careful, why do I keep crushing?_

“Let’s lay him here Nines”

_Go on._

_End it._

“We have to drug him, _what else do you want me to do?”_

_You know you want to._

_Isn’t this tiresome?_

“What type of drug is this?”

“It’s just general anesthesia Nines, it’s fine”

_What do they want from me?_

_I don’t know._

“Why is this happening?”

“I can’t say for sure”

“Gabrielle, just do it”

_Is he scared of me?_

_Of the consequences that I can’t stop._

_I’m trying to keep my head down._

“Gavin, it’s fine, you’ll be fine”

“Lara the connectors, pass them here”

_I won’t listen._

“What is this?”

“It looks like he’s having an epileptic attack but…”

“It can’t be an epileptic attack he’s not showing any signs of it”

“Well his brain is telling me that! That’s all!”

“Calm down”

_They have my limbs,_

_My brain is choosing,_

_Between these walls_

_And his own mess._

“Is it safer to put him to sleep right now? He may see something that will leave him even worse”

_I don’t want to go to sleep._

“I don’t know, I don’t treat patients with abilities like this”

“Can he hear us?”

“Yes Lara, I believe he can”

“Gavin” I’m trying _._ “Let it happen” It hurts. “Your brain is trying to keep you safe, but you are not letting it” What do I do? “Focus on your reality right now, don’t let it control you”

“How is he supposed to do that?”

“You have to believe he can, Nines” Her voice. “Because he’s giving in” It was refreshing.

To hear that someone understand it, to hear that someone did believe in me.

“Let’s procced, his brain is recovering”

“Are you sure?”

“It’ll help him, it’s fine”

I don’t have to sleep; I can just stop existing.

***

There’s a loop in my head, I can’t stop seeing. There’s a hole in my head, is driving me insane. It’s filling itself up, with pieces of glass that everyone else broke. Stained with their own blood, my head was destroying itself because I couldn’t handle it anymore. It acknowledged the weight of those who can’t stop existing. While I’m trying to shut down, they keep going. Alive or not, human or not, they keep tracing. I wonder, if God really knows me, would he exempt me of being its son? Of the Universe. Being the bastard that no one else knows. Only him, and it, and me.

I was sure to be walking, with caution, with my lover. I was sure to be moving for the right reasons, to protect them, to love him. Was I too selfish? Isn’t the purpose of being one not being in pain? I can’t avoid it. It doesn’t matter what I do, it doesn’t matter what I see, it’ll keep them from hurting, but I could never keep me. It doesn’t want to save me. At this point, I’m sure it just wants to destroy me.

It wants to bury me.

“That’s a tiny bed” I heard, opening my eyes, trying to see clearly. “Is it comfortable?”

“Yes” I looked down, sitting down on the tiny bed from before, feeling my hands freezing. The first thing that came to my mind was. “Am I really that stubborn?”

“Yes” They both said, realizing Nines’ voice I searched for him in the room and saw him sitting back there. “It’s not that bad all the time, but when it comes to yourself, you really don’t care” He said.

“I care” Mumbling, knowing my own lies. “A little”

“You should care more” Lara said, shaking her head in disapproval. “We told you, it wasn’t necessary to see the future, we knew Nines wouldn’t kill you”

“That’s not true” He frowned, interrupting. “I could kill him very easily, he’s weak right now”

“Thanks honey” The shock on his face almost made me laugh. “Even if I wasn’t you can still kill me” He nodded, oblivious. “Thanks to me we know who we have to find and what is Levón going to do”

“You just saw Tina dying and Ethan in a cell, apart from that, everything else won’t happen anymore, Nines is here, and he’s alright”

“So am I” I mumbled. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I altered the future again”

“You didn’t do anything, you were asleep when we called Kamski” She stated, matter of fact. “Or what do you suggest? That we knew what you were dreaming and called Kamski just in case?”

Wait.

“What did you say?”

How did they know?

“We called Kamski just in case?”

How did they see it?

“Wait—”

“Guys I brough Gavin his food” I heard Justin coming in, with a food tray full of cold soup probably. “It’s almost cold—” We stared at each other for some seconds and then it hit him. “Oh lord, you’re awake”

“Or almost warm” By the look on it, I could bet I was right. “Thank you, Justin”

“You’re welcome” He put the tray on a white portable table that was hanging on his shoulder. “Justin, who called Kamski in the first place?” I asked, giving my food a look.

“Hm?” He looked at the ceiling and closed his eyes. “I believe it was the General, he contacted him and then Kamski said he wanted to help us by taking the chip out”

“Why did he contact him at the beginning? Because you’re saying he offered his help _after_ that”

“That’s a good question” He mumbled, taking his hands on his pockets. “I really don’t know”

“Right” Strange. “Thank you”

“No problem” He left.

“What is wrong?” Lara asked, looking at me confused. “What are you thinking right now?”

“There’s something wrong here” I mumbled. “There’s more impostors right here”

“Why?” Nines asked and I couldn’t say exactly what I was thinking, because I would just come with nonsense.

“It’s by the logic of my dreams” I admitted. “If I see the future it’s because it’s going to happen, it only changes if I know and I say something about it” Believe me. “You guys didn’t know that, you didn’t know what I saw dreaming, and then I woke up and you already did something about it”

“What are you trying to say? Be clear”

“Or Nines will kill me no matter if he doesn’t have the chip anymore, or someone here can see the future as well”

“How?” Nines was getting it. “Your information?”

“Who else has it?”

“Levón?” Lara said.

“Kamski” I whispered.

“W—”

“Isn’t it convenient?” I looked at her. “Kamski being scared of Levón in my dream, that day of the interrogation he being all _I want to help, you can clear me,_ looking for our approbation”

“Isn’t that how an innocent would act? Kamski wasn’t lying, I know that” Sighed. “What? It’s true”

“You don’t have to lie to be wrong” I said. “Trust me, you can avoid all certain questions and give specific answers to clear you, apart from that…” My head was aching again. “Think about Levón for a second, he’s a rich guy, handsome rich guy, and he wants to ruin Kamski’s creation by creating an android who works for the government apparently” I pointed at Nines with my eyes. “And also creating a chip just because… world domination, am I right?”

“Why do you doubt Kamski so much?” Asked Lara, and I sighed again. “Answer me”

“The level of consequences Kamski is facing is disproportionate to what he did, he may have caused Levón to lose money, but he didn’t do enough damage to take away his success, he is successful enough and has enough money to buy two fucking islands”

“Islands?” Asked Nines, confused. “Wh—"

“I’m just saying” I dedicated a small and weak smile, not trying to avoid the question. “So, either Kamski is full of shit and he’s not saying enough, or Levón is a fucking maniac and childish enough to want to destroy Kamski’s creations”

“Or both” Nines completed. “There’s always a possibility”

“Or both, yeah”

“Ah…” Lara sighed. I chuckled. “What?”

“Androids… sigh?” She rolled her eyes and Nines’ laugh a little too. “You guys don’t, right?”

“We don’t” Nines said, stepping forward and coming next to my bed. “How are you feeling?” He said, putting a hand in my forehead. “Your temperature lower down, a lot, the fever is gone”

_I don’t think it’s gone._

“Keep touching me, it may go up” I said, sarcastic, earning a little smile from him.

“Androids don’t have to touch anyone to know their temperature either” We heard Lara, and Nines’ hand flew out of my face. “ _Uhm”_

“Pff…” The look on Nines’ face was priceless. “Good to know that’s how you show affection”

“Anyway” Regaining his posture, he took the chair he was sitting in and put it next to my bed. “I think it’s necessary for us to ask the _good_ questions to Kamski”

“What are the good questions?” Lara asked.

“What exactly happened between the two of them and, if he has anything on his power that allows him to see the future” We all three nodded in harmony. “We can do it if you want to” Said Nines looking at me, laying in bed, eating my cold soup. “You need to rest from all of this, just for today”

“I’m fine” I mumbled, putting my spoon down on the food tray. “I can go with you guys”

“No, you can’t” Lara’s voice changed from big sister to strict step-mother. “If you dare to go up and do shit, I’ll beat you up savagely until you fall asleep for good”

“Who needs omens of tragedy when you have Lara” Rolling her eyes, she stood up and frowned at me, angry. “I’m joking…”

“You better be” I nodded. She stared at Nines for a second. “I’ll give you some time, talk or do… whatever, I’ll tell them what we discussed here” Nines and I shared a look of complicity, aware of what happened earlier.

“Ah…” Even then, I had to consider if that was a good idea “Who are you telling?”

“For now, Gabrielle and Justin, since they are in immediate contact with the General, they can make decisions”

“Can we trust them too?” Lara looked defeated, resting her back on the wall she looked at the ceiling and covered her face with her hands. “I’m just being cautious”

“I know” She said. “But if you start doubting everyone, I can’t help but do it too, I feel lost” I understood her, whenever you can trust the people you’re used to trust, now even considering it, feels extremely wrong. “What if I can’t trust anyone? What am I supposed to do? I don’t have enough authority here to take decisions by myself”

“You don’t have to” I mumbled, sitting in the tiny bed, looking at her. “As long as we three know what we have to know, we can have each other trust and support, we’ll have our backs if something sudden happens” Nines nodded. “You’re not alone in here, you know?” And she nodded in silence too. “Good”

“So?” She mumbled, looking down. “What am I supposed to do then? Wait and see?”

“You can tell Justin” I said, almost convinced in this guy’s real intentions. “I trust him more than Gabrielle, I think” By the look on Lara’s face, I could tell she trust him too. “Go on” She stood there, for some seconds, in silence, until we heard Nines saying.

“You leaving?” I tried to hold the chuckles, but Lara’s face was in syntony with me.

“Why so impatient?” We shared a smile and she left, leaving us to do _whatever._

“Were you waiting for something?” He stayed silent. “Nines?”

“I’m not sure” He admitted, looking somehow defeated. “I know that, when couples are—”

“Couples?” Ah, shit. “Did we make it… official? You know… do we have to ask the thing or are we just…?”

“You’re right” He said, opening his eyes enough for me to see the confusion on his face. “Well, you technically said you wanted me, what does that mean?”

“I mean…” Am I still the 16-year-old boy who didn’t know how to say “I like you” or am I tripping. “Yeah, I guess you’re right” _For fuck’s sake Gavin, just say it._ “What does that mean…”

“When you said you wanted me…” He whispered. “Were you referring to sex—”

“ _Stop”_ Gavin please take the wheel. “I’m not referring to that”

“I can always try and do—”

“ _Nines, I’m not talking about that”_

Is this guy for real? One second, he’s the sassiest bitch in town, and next he’s a 15-year-old whose only knowledge of love is classic books.

“I’ll do it” He said, ignoring me. “I’ll do anything for you”

God dammit.

“How can you say that and not blush?” Right, Nines’ really transparent. “For fuck’s sake”

“Why would I blush? To being with, I don’t think I was designed to do so” His fucking transparency made me weak. “I’m telling the truth, if you want to have me, I can please you in different ways but not penetr—”

I put my hand on his mouth and stared at his eyes. Is not like he was stupid; he was _really_ thinking about it. “I know that I’m human, and I know that you think couples have sex to formalize their relationships because that’s what is in the books, but that’s not what everyone does you know?”

“I know” He said, taking my hand out of his mouth. “Since androids don’t feel sexual attraction, I figured not everyone can do that”

“Even if they can, that doesn’t mean they will _try it,_ some just don’t like it, or some other just don’t care, in my case, I don’t care” He looked surprised, but didn’t say anything. “I understand you are not like me, and I understand that your type of love is different than what I thought love was, and I’m fine with that, you don’t have to change a damn thing”

“So, it’s fine for me to keep teasing you and being _sassy_ about the stupid things you do?” I rolled my eyes and laughed a little. This bastard knew what he was doing. “What?”

“Were you trying to get a reaction out of me?” He nodded smiling. “You son of a bitch”

“It’s more like… I really needed to know the answer of those things, but I was afraid of asking them” _Wow._ “I don’t want you to think that I’m not complete for you, or not reach your expectations of whatever you think I am”

“Hey” I placed my hand on his. “Don’t ever say that to me” Sighed. “What makes you think that you don’t _reach_ my expectations?”

“That night… when I told you to please listen, you were so sure that I was confused, as if my feelings weren’t real or strong enough, I thought that I confess in a way that could be misinterpreted and make you think that I don’t really love you the way you want me to”

“Nines, no” How do I phrase this. “I was fucking scared” Without sounding like a coward. “I see the future of the people around me, often of the people that I _love,_ I was terrified of being traumatized again, seeing you in pain or seeing something that I won’t handle seeing” I guess I can’t.

“Scared of seeing things that you don’t want to see” He mumbled. “I understand that”

“Why?” He laughed a little and looked down, in silence. “Nines?” I asked again.

“Days ago, when I ran onto you to take you to the police station, I heard the conversation you were having with Officer Cheng” Right. “It was the first time I heard you being weak and fragile, showing your humanity without trying to cover it, it was a bittersweet feeling”

“Bittersweet?” I remember it being complete chaos inside of me. Not really any sweet.

“It was the first time I heard you say you loved someone” The voice that was slowing fading out was trying to hide his deepest desires. “She hugged you and you held her like she meant the world to you” What makes him even more human. “I tried to keep me calm, but I felt so upset, confused and… angry”

“Angry at me?” He shook his head.

“Angry at her” Oh.

“…You were jealous” I said, remembering that too. “When I told you, she was into girls your whole face lightened up”

“I can’t fully understand it” He admitted. “But if that’s what jealousy feels like, it’s horrible”

“It is” Although I’ve never been jealous before, I guess it is. “When you feel like that don’t hide it and tell me to shut up, you just have to say it, you’ll see that I’ll calm you down” His eyes, puppy eyes, were lost on the floor and for one second, they looked at me tenderly, hopeful.

“Is this the moment where we kiss?” He said, laughing and making me laugh as well. “I don’t know, it seems appropriate”

“You are too shy to kiss me, and that’s really cute” He frowned so hard I couldn’t help it. “And you are way too bad at lying to me” He did it again.

“I’m not trying to lie” He whispered, rolling his eyes. “I’m not shy, how could I be shy?”

“Kiss me” I demanded. “Kiss me now” And he didn’t move. “Kiss me so hard I can’t fucking breath”

“Do you want to fucking _die_?” Cackling like children. “I can’t kiss you enough to take your breath away” _Heh._

“I bet you can” He may be oblivious to it. “You can always try” But in the end, he knew I would react certain way.

“What was that?” Maybe I just wanna be his.

“Kiss me or else” And maybe, he just wanna be mine.

Just one step at the time.

“Or else what?”

In situations like this, I remember how good it feels to be human.

“I’ll be the one trying get a reaction out of you”

Where my head is focused on just _him._

“Why do you think that’s bad?”

The tiny bed couldn’t handle both of us, so he went to me. In my imagination, where his hands lay on my back and my head can’t think of anything else but the strength of his arms, I found peace. I couldn’t touch the floor, and even when I was sitting on the bed, I couldn’t feel anything. I was lost in the sensation of being connected.

I knew my humanity could betray me, and my love for him can’t go any further than this. That’s fine. Because the feeling of being his is enough for me to feel complete. The thought of seeing the sun without burning, was overwhelming.

Nothing came to my mind, just the movements on my mouth was enough to fill me up with adrenaline. With euphoria. I’ve never felt this way before. The color on my cheeks, the heart beats creating a symphony on my ears. The silence of the floor that no one sees. Everything was harmonic enough to make me stop existing.

This is how I want it to be.

“Are you breathing?”

This is how I want to stop existing.

“Yes”

Closing my eyes, feeling our foreheads touching gently, his hands reached for mine.

“Sorry “

I was hoping, if time was relative and everything else was falling apart, could I make some space in here to pause it?

“You didn’t try hard enough”

Just the two of us, in here.

“You really want to fucking die”

“No” I said. “I just want you to kiss me hard enough the shyness will go away eventually” The smile on his face drew one in mine. “You want that too, don’t you?”

“I do” He mumbled. “I’m not used to this, and all I know of love and couples are what someone wrote years ago”

“Let’s change that” He looked at me. “You write your own book, try new things to write about, I’ll do anything for you”

“Anything?” I nodded.

“Anything”

“Then…” A reaction. “Answer me” Strong enough to melt him. “What do you want us to be?”

“Together?” He shook his head. “Oh” He wanted to hear it. “You’re so childish”

“And you don’t have the guts” True. “You said you would do anything, didn’t you? Just now”

“I did” His hands moved to my shoulders, moving his black sweater’s sleeve up. “What are you doing?”

He reached again for my hand and closed his eyes. His skin, slowly, turned white. The lights coming out of him were hypnotizing. The warmness that my body felt suddenly remind me of the unique type of love that this guy offered. One that could go beyond anything that I know. One sensation that numbed my limbs.

“So?” He mumbled, holding my hand tighter. “What do you want us to be?”

“What do you want me to be?” Yes, he’s right. “Why not saying it?” I’m a coward.

He opened his eyes and came closer to me, enough for me to feel his lips rubbing against mine. His LED turned orange and suddenly, the warmness of my body felt the same fever.

“You’re a coward, Gavin Reed” I’ll melt if I don’t calm him down. Because he’s hunting, he’s once again, starving. “Aren’t you?”

I’m tired of hiding anyway.

“I want to be yours” I said. “You can call me your lover, boyfriend, husband, whatever makes you happier, because I’m not going anywhere”

From the trips that I’ve made in life, I was sure to found the place where I belong. Something new appeared in my heart, a force that filled me in and pleased my humanity. The humanity that I once lacked, and now, was consuming me.

“Fair enough”

Even if I know the timing wasn’t perfect, and the situation was dangerous enough, it felt so good to be stopped. I felt so alive it made me stop overthinking. There was just he and I. There were just his lips against mine, and that was all.


	26. Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is feed up with the investigation, and Nines' concerns are finally out.

One step at the time.

Following directions, you could never get lost. Or could I? If I find myself looking at the map being reflected in a mirror, will I know where to turn? Will I know where to go? I don’t know. Thinking that I know better, at least I know I’ll never be alone. If I get lost, he’ll keep me safe. If he gets lost, I’ll keep him safe.

No wonder why they’re staring so much. They’ll never have what I have.

Days passed by, days of practice. Patience and tolerance for long hours. Nights of nightmares and kisses. When my demons found me, and this madness overcomes me, I’ll stay here. Because I know, he’ll keep coming.

Not exaggeration, it has been harsh. Every practice, every tail is one scar open. Running out of blood for hours cause anemia, it will surely end with me dead. But I’m not praying anymore, God and I no longer speak to each other. If he ever did in the first place. I know my place, and I know my role. This is what I have to do in order to come back to the tiny bed that can’t fit both of us, but have you next to me, sitting, looking at my eyes until I fall asleep.

The future keeps changing, and the _good questions_ weren’t allowed to be questioned. Don’t ask me why, Lara, Nines and I don’t know either. We tried to talk to Gabrielle and Justin together, since Lara already talked with Justin he seemed to be trying to get on our side, but the negativity of Gabrielle turned him pretty quickly into a neutral part. We needed him both to be on our side, but it didn’t matter what we did, Gabrielle would come with _“Gavin, there’s no such thing as something that allows you to see the future”,_ and that would be the end of it.

I was exhausted. Of trying to do my god damn job and being told to sit on a chair and talk about my traumatic experiences in detail. I was desperate of making progress but feeling the rejection of my own brain. Sometimes it would help genuinely help me, and I would feel better afterwards, but most of the time it would only mean more anguish and despair. Why would I try to be a detective in the end? Nines was trying his best to not be a _bitch,_ but everyone there put it so difficult.

Every night, while talking, Lara, Nines and I would talk and rant over our colleagues and that would make me feel, oddly, at peace. It was the most normal thing we could do in there, and I’d say we even _bonded_ over the hate. Kind of weird to think about it, but it happened.

Like I said, patience was trying to remain, but the slow pace that the investigation suddenly turned became obvious to most of us. _We weren’t doing anything, anymore._ The loop in my head didn’t stop, the hole that I thought was temporal, aggravated with the time. A little time lapse of a flashback would appear in front of my eyes, startling me, wondering who that was. The future of someone who didn’t know me, and I didn’t know them. Or at least, that’s what I thought.

When it came to the investigation, Lara tried his best to hide his anger, and Nine was doing great at being polite to everyone there. But in regards to me…

“Gabrielle” I’ve never been the _professional_ type. After all, I ended up being detective by pure luck and this case was assigned by mistake. “We need to talk, in private”

“I’m busy” She whispered, looking at her monitor with lost eyes. “What do you want?”

“Talk” I demanded, not really having enough of this anymore. _“Now”_

She looked back at me, frowning. I knew we weren’t used to talking each other like _this,_ but these days were filled with tension in the air because of _me._ Not being able to focus entirely on the case because all the effort is being put in my ability and the things I manage to see. The whole orientation of the case was inefficient, and inadequate.

“Oh?” She mumbled, smiling at me and leaving monitor for a minute, standing up. “What now?” The soft voice used for those words didn’t match his expression.

“Let’s go downstairs, somewhere quieter would be best” Nines and Lara were talking with the others outside the office, so I tried to reached for their gaze but couldn’t. “Right” She said, walking off the office with me. Putting her hand on my back, speeding up the pace. “Come on then”

I nodded, trying to call for Nines but failing in the attempt.

As expected, downstairs was quieter -since it was technically a bunker- and the expression on her face was one more aggressive once we were alone. This side of the underground was a meeting room, a large table and metal chairs around it. In one wall you could see a big glass board with nothing in it. On the other wall a single clock was decorating the whole thing. Kind of lame.

“Then, what is it?” She said, sitting down in one of the chairs.

“I think we are both aware that the investigation is going extremely slow” I said, sitting in front of her, on the other side of the table. “We have been focusing in me and the interrogation with Kamski hasn’t been done yet”

“Oh my god, this again” She rolled her eyes and sighed hard enough for me to feel annoyed. “Look, Gavin, we’re doing what we think is best, and there’s no space on the agenda to ask stupid questions to someone who’s on our side”

“On our side?” I interrupted. “Whose side?”

“Our side, you and I, and everyone’s here side” She said, firmly. “If questioning my decisions is a habit of yours that has been taking space in your head to focus on the future reading then leave it, because you’re not going to change anything”

“I already told you my thought process, why is it so difficult for you to listen?” Her hands went under the table. “There was no possible way for you to know what I was seeing while I was asleep, and you changed something in time, there’s no way for you guys to know that, there just… isn’t a possible way to know that” Her eyes didn’t meet mine. “And you know that” Avoiding me. “You’ve been avoiding touching certain topics, why?”

“There’s no reason” Finally, some light in those eyes. “Questioning what we know now will block us to move forward”

“We are not moving anywhere” I could tell my attempts of keeping me calm were useless. “I know that one of these days Nines will probably try to kill me, Tina will die, and Ethan is imprisoned, what about you?” I asked, glancing. “What do you know?”

“Nines didn’t kill you when he woke up” She said.

“I never saw him waking up and try to kill me” I mumbled. “It could have been a different scenario, and that’s what worrying me”

That was another thing that we discussed. Nines mentioned that, in my vision, there wasn’t a sign that could prove that it was happening right after he woke up. It could have been at any other time. Even then, that would mean that Kamski taking out the chip didn’t actually work, and the possibility of happening could be potentially the same as before. It didn’t matter.

“You’re focusing on Kamski way too much” She said, again, with the same annoyed tone of voice. “We’re trying to help you control this ability and you’re over here not admitting to possibly just having a nightmare or the fact that we acted in time by coincidence”

“There’s no coincidence” Don’t give me that shit. “I’m not over here just having nightmares like a toddler; I’m trying to help you protect these people”

“These people are safe here” She stated. “There’s no android who can possibly kill every single one of our soldiers, give them some credit as well”

“I’ll dug their graves in respect” I mumbled, looking down. “I’ll pray for them when they’re dead”

“Gavin!” I’m losing patience. “Have some respect”

 ** _“No!”_** What’s the point? “ _Fucking listen to me god dammit_ , I’m the one who sees the future, not you!”

“So what?” Is she for real? “You want me to call the general because you think everyone here is lying to you? Because you think everyone here is useless?”

“Useless?” I’m trying to hesitate on the words that I want to say. “Don’t blame them for your god damn directions” But I’m having no bullshit today.

The patience was gone.

“Those are not my directions, Gavin” She said. “Those are the general’s directions, and these people are doing their best to keep a positive attitude in a situation that no one here is familiar with”

“I understand that” I clenched my fists. “Everyone here is doing what you told them to do, but we haven’t been anywhere, no interrogation to the people that I _know_ have something to do with all of this, we haven’t contacted Levón because you say _no one_ can reach out to him, and more importantly, the examination of the fucking chip has been taking _forever,_ there’s no single information available right now and _it has been weeks!”_

“Do you fucking think these types of situations are handled easily? More importantly” She cleared her throat. “That just proves my point, Nines has been okay for these days, he hasn’t done anything out of ordinary, he’s safe, and you are too”

“So what?”

“What do you mean so what?” She exhaled. “The chip is in our hands, he is fine, you have to trust us that we know what we are doing”

“What about the dreams then?” I mumbled, trying to remain calm again. “I’ve been having these… bits of future seeing every now and then ever since I trigger myself, I’ve been seeing more and more of this person that I’m not even sure who it is because every time I’m them, I feel confused… it’s the first time I don’t know what I’m seeing” She frowned, sighing. “I just want to clear my mind and ask the things I need to know to be calm, why is it so hard for you to give me permission to do my job?”

“You’re not a detective right now, Gavin” Those words. “You better realize that” Were ones that pissed me off.

“Oh no…” Calm down, Gavin. “You didn’t just say that”

“What if I did?” Breath. “This is not Detroit, _child,_ you are under my lead, like it or not, I don’t give a _damn”_

One step at the time.

“I see”

Because if you start running…

“I’m exhausted of playing the good cop here”

…you’ll devore them.

“Know your god damn place, and stop saying bullshit”

“My god damn place” The bits of halo that remained up her head whispered something in my hear. “Are you scared, Gabrielle?” She knew heaven won’t open her arms to her. “Of the things that I know, and you don’t?”

“What do you know?” Laughing, she raised her horns. “Apart from bits of future that doesn’t tell us anything, what do you know?”

And we both knew; nothing would be the same anymore.

“Kamski has something to do with all of this but you can’t wrap your head around the idea of going back to zero because you’re afraid you’ll end up just like Lara”

“What?” Her horns were suddenly, cut. “What about her?”

“Being demoted” And then, I could finally see the true emotions on her face. “You’re scared your decisions are not correct either”

“Those are not my decisions, if anything, is the General” I shook my head. “What do you know? You’re not in charge”

“Am I not?” I offered her one of my best smiles. “If I say I see something in the future, and you don’t pay attention to me… what is going to happened to Gabrielle? What is the General going to say when all of this people end up _dead?”_

“Lara’s decisions were bold and inefficient, I’m following the map that the general trace for us to follow, there’s nothing else and nothing more that can be done”

“You’re really deaf, aren’t you?”

“You haven’t seen anything”

“Do I need to grab some apples and explain it again?” I said in a sarcastic tone. “What more do you need, Gabrielle? What more do you need?” Trying to scream, I raised my voice.

“I need you to know your god damn _place”_

Enough.

 _“Don’t come at me with that bullshit!”_ I threw my chair once I stood up. _“Do you think I’m the fucking tool that’s going to tell you the future one of those days? The healing takes its fucking time, Gabrielle! What are you going to do in the meantime? Tell them to keep trying to examinate the chip and have a nice picnic in the fucking snow?”_ Holding my soul to come out from my mouth, her eyes were lost in mine. “Am I important? Yes or no? If I say something, does it count? Yes or no? If I say we need to do something, are you going to ignore me again? _When am I important for you? When do I count?”_

“So… playing the victim now?” That was low. “You’re over here saying the dangerous situation we are in, but you have been sleeping in the same room as the android that will supposedly kill you”

“Not answering my questions, I see” She was right, like it or not.

“Answer me, _Gavin”_ She raised her voice. “Are you so scared and mad because we are not interrogating Kamski, and you are sure that Nines will kill you because of _it,_ but… you still decide to share a room with him”

“Because I know I’m safe, I haven’t had a dream ab—”

“ _Exactly!”_ She yelled, finally, standing up. **_“_** _You haven’t dream about nothing, so shut the fuck up!”_

“It’s pure logic, Gabrielle” Stay calm.

“Pure logic?” Don’t do it. “ ** _I’m not the one sleeping with the gun that’s gonna kill me!”_**

The chaos was interrupted by my sedative.

“Gavin”

And his eyes were staring at me, trying to get me to walk away from there.

“Let’s go and have a conversation”

His voice cracked my mind and remind me of the good and the evil inside of me.

“Alright?”

Gabrielle silence and look on my face were in sync. The violence growing in my heart was corrupting my thoughts. The loop appeared once again, in the tormented dream of the child of the universe it sounded a violin. Sadness and excitement filled my body, giving me goosebumps. Some notes that I have never heard started playing, my heart shrank.

I could feel this person’s excitement and torment. It was such an erratic feeling that drove me, for some seconds, into a very dark place.

“Gavin?” And then, I woke up, seeing him in the door, looking at me. Gabrielle quiet, now looking away. “Let’s go”

“Sorry” I mumbled, stepping back and walking out the meeting room. Nines’ hand reached for mine and he walked me to our _bedroom._ Or the place we were staying at night. The little room with a tiny bed and some chairs.

When he closed the door, I could tell the expression on his face was troubled. Maybe of disappointment, but I didn’t want to guess. I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I sat down on the bed and covered my face with my hands, feeling my cold nose, my hair falling onto my hands, I tried to take a deep breath but was aware of every single sound in there.

He came closer to me and sat down, by my side, in silence. I wanted to see him, but was scared of facing it. I knew I spoke out of terms, and Lara, him and I were talking about how we should approach them. I acted alone, because I was tired of practicing and seeing no progress. I acted alone because I knew, the more we wait, the more he and I get to bond. I don’t want to face the reality that he will, in fact, end up hurting me. My heart won’t resist it.

“Are you ok?” He asked, gently. Looking at me. “What happened?”

“I don’t know” I looked away and let my hands fell onto my legs. “What am I doing?”

“What’s wrong? What did you do?” His voice was as soft as it could be, trying to calm myself down, I looked down to the floor, sighing. “Gavin”

“I’m just…” I let out, trying to remain quiet but not being able to ignore him. “I fucked up big time”

“I guess you did” I heard him saying, in a much lower tone. “I knew you were stressed, but didn’t see it coming”

“What?” I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“Bursting in anger” He whispered, trying to keep his gentle tone of voice. Even if I knew he was disappointed. “Gavin”

Because that’s what I always do.

“Hey…”

I can’t bring myself to do shit. I’m aware of my position and my place, but can’t face the weight of it. I can’t lift it, it’s crushing me. To know that the more scars I open, there will only be blood. The weaker I get, the more I fuck up.

“Please…” I’m anemic. “Look at me”

“What?” I know I’ll keep coming back to fucking things up.

“What is it?” And he seems to be prepared for it.

“I’m exhausted…”

Embracing each other like this was getting more natural every day. His LED turning orange every time my face betrayed me and showed what my brain was trying to prevent me from. Suffering. Remembering. Being in pain. Made me realize how much this man loved me. How much my pain affected him. With that, the guilt only grew bigger.

“You’ve been working so hard lately” I heard him say, hiding my face under his shoulder. “I can’t comprehend the emotional weight all of this has caused you, and for that I’m very sorry” Gently, holding my whole body, as if he was protecting me. “But I know that you have been giving your best for this case, and you truly want to make progress, knowing what you know, and seeing what you see is painful, the waiting turns it all this way, and the decisions being made doesn’t seem to make the progress we want to have but…” His fingers went across my hair. “Don’t ever get lost in the future Gavin, remember the present, remember what you can do right now”

I wanted to be useful, enough for them to protect him.

“I’m trying to do everything I can to prevent _that_ from happening, but I know I can’t do shit if they don’t let me”

Enough for me to know that the floor I’m walking on, isn’t made of quicksand.

“You are doing a lot” He said, looking at me in the eyes. “I don’t care what these people think you can do, you have been trying to make sense of all of this, apart from your future reading, you’ve been working with us in constructing the narrative of everything, and no one else but you stay late nights talking to Lara about the bits of future you have been seeing everyday”

“I can’t see the future properly, the only job that I have right now isn’t being a detective”

“With all respect, Gavin” He mumbled, resting his forehead on mine. _“Fuck that”_

“ _Pf— ok…”_ He smiled and closed his eyes, making his LED turned blue again. “It was out of anger, I exploded”

“You and Gabrielle had way too much tension over the past days, it’s not like all of this was because of something special happening today” I agreed. From all the times we have tried to talk to her about interrogating Kamski, she was pretty done with _us_ referring to the case itself. “It still doesn’t make it okay for you to go and rant to her face, but…”

He, out of nowhere, laughed. And that made me felt so much better. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t disappointed or angry at me. He understood that for me all of this has been very stressing, and he knew that it didn’t change anything about me. For some reason, in my head, I was stressed about having an argument with him because of my attitude, I know I don’t want to treat him bad, I would hate me if I let out my anger on him. The harmony though, it was magical.

“I won’t give you crap about it” He completed. “You let it all out”

“She said I’m sleeping with the gun that’s gonna kill me” I whispered, and he backed away a little to see my face properly. “I think… we both are”

The feeling that flowed in our eyes… it was overwhelming. The words that were about to come out of his mouth got stuck in my lips. For some reason, it was okay. For me to love him, and all the deathly things that will come around after some time. In this moment, everything made sense.

_I assure myself that I was prepared for what had to come._

“You’re still scared of me, aren’t you?”

“How could I not?”

“I want you to believe in me, that I will fight and would never hurt you”

“I believe you will fight it; I just don’t think I won’t get hurt”

“I don’t want to hurt you”

“I know”

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be”

“I’m sorry _this_ has to be this way”

“What do you mean by _this_?”

“Being a timer killing machine, being in love with you, everything”

“Do you regret this?”

“I would never”

“Then _don’t”_

Lying on the bed, he played with my hair and made puns about how I was slowly becoming a mop, just like Hank. The time passed, and the evil inside of me calm down incredibly. Nines’ sense of humor in these times was terribly charming, and the way he could tease me to make me come back home. I loved every single part of this, but…

_I assured me wrong._

The secrets are stormed in the night. Once the moon covered us with its light, the time started to count. From the lies I said and the things I did, they all fell into place. The tiny bed that only could fit one of us welcomed me for one more night. His eyes staring at mine, the silence of the night covered my ears and helped me go back to sleep.

The last thing I remember, was him mumbling “Goodnight, Gavin” And then, from darkness, red came in.

A sudden earthquake, the floor moving and the walls falling. An explosion inside of it. His vision was blurry, but I could tell that, right in the end of his vision, he was holding something heavy. On the floor, blue and red painted his feet. The odor of Thirium, smoke and gas, everything was filling his lungs.

Something was telling me, to not look down. Something inside of him was making him ill. All his strength failed him, letting the heavy weight fall on the floor. I could sense, such pain inside of Nines. Taking slow steps, he recognized himself on the wall-glass that was, now, broken. His eyes, pitch black, spotted something behind him. A familiar face, lifeless, laying in the floor. Hunting, saying somethings in a robotic voice, he screamed my name. His hands, covered in blue, tried his hardest to prevent him from opening my door once he went underground.

I could hear me screaming, telling him how much I loved him, to please don’t hurt me. To please wake up. When he gave in, tears falling down his face meant the end. Of what God gave me, of what his fight gave him. After all, feeling alive was too good to last for too long.


	27. Breezeblocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midnight, Gavin wakes up from a nightmare to encounter chaos.   
> WARNING: this chapter makes me upset to be honest. the next one, is just pure angst so prepare yourself.

I didn’t wonder whenever it was real or not, I had to act fast.

Once I woke up, I went directly upstairs, knowing that at any moment now, a bomb will explode. I screamed at the top of my lungs, for everyone to hear me. _“There’s a bomb”_ I wondered, would I be able to open every door and take them all out of here?

My feet were freezing, and my head was aching enough for me to feel dizzy and weak. I looked around searching for Nines, but couldn’t find him just yet. I spotted Lara, who appeared to be talking to a soldier just now, but who now was looking at me, his LED turning red told me she knew. We both knew what was going to happened. I yelled with all the strength I found. “Lara, _run!”_ Leaving some papers that were in her hand on the table, she took the soldier in front of her to the floor, covering him with her body, they took cover and, right when I was about to do the same, a stounding noise penetrated my head.

A force that couldn’t be defeated swept me like a piece of paper, and my head hit the floor with such strength it paralyzed me for a moment. I tried to stand up and run away from there, knowing that outside was colder than ever since it was night time, if I went out, I would freeze to death. But in any case, if I stayed there, I would die.

Crawling, trying to look for Lara I yelled again, seeing nothing but smoke everywhere. Lara’s voice in the distance was telling me she was alive, and for some reason that gave me a split second of peace to think properly.

I crawled under a table and realized my leg had a deep cut in it, it was bleeding horribly, and I knew I had to give myself medical assistance since I doubted someone would come and rescue me. Taking out my jacket I broke my t-shirt and wrapped it around my leg, applying enough pressure to stop the bleeding. I tried to get out but was scared of encountering Nines in front of me, with black eyes and under the effects of the chip.

Voices in the distance were screaming for help, some were weaker than others, but the ones I could recognize was Gabrielle’s from underground. I put on my jacket really quick, trying to find a gun or some kind of weapon to protect me. Even if I swore to God to never hurt him.

“Lara!” I yelled, again.

 ** _“Shut up”_** I heard, suddenly, she coming at me and handing me a gun. “Don’t make noises” I nodded and she spotted the injury in my leg. Her LED turned red and I was sure on one thing: if Nines was under the control of the chip, Lara and I together was a terrible idea. If someone was going to take the bullet, it wasn’t going to be me.

_Why the fuck did I yell at her in the first place?_

She held my hand and stayed on her knees for some minutes, until, out of nowhere, she squeezed my hand as a sign of “Run”, and I followed her directions. I couldn’t see much; the smoke was getting thicker and my lungs were struggling to function properly. Lara didn’t stop at any time; even when my limping made it difficult. We managed to get out and she ran onto some cars that were parked behind the building. Running, I could feel my feet freezing, numbing my senses.

Once we managed to get to a car, she started searching for the keys of it, looking around, inside of it. I tried to help her but my leg was killing me, and running had me in pieces.

 _“Ok…”_ I heard her mumbling, turning on the car and getting in, closing her door. Once it was my turn, I tried to get in and realized my leg was even in more pain now that my feet were numb. I didn’t have enough strength to get in, so I crawled onto it.

We both knew, the screaming of pain that were heard in the building, the destruction that Nines could be provoking right now was one I didn’t want to see.

 _“Fuck!”_ But was forced to anyway.

The car managed to get away for some seconds until Nines appeared in front of us. The look with his black pitched eyes reminded me of the inevitable natura of Nines. The killing machine he didn’t want to be. Under all the metal, there was him, under the corrupted will, the real Nines was trying to break himself free. I knew that he could hear me, so I had to try it.

“Don’t let it control you!” Would my last resource be faith? “Please!” That he won’t hurt me. “Wake up!”

Lara accelerated enough to crush Nines, not really waiting for him to wake up, the red on her LED reflected in the window, I could catch it in my gaze. As if we collided on another car, Nines was strong enough to deal with that car single handedly. I saw him, crushing the bonnet and exposing the engine.

“Get out the car, Gavin!” Lara screamed, opening her door and jumping from there. I managed to barely escape when I noticed Nines’ hands turning white and radiating a blue light. For a second, a different bright blue light combusted the engine, making it explode.

“Nines!” I yelled again, taking my hands to my leg, trying to put more pression on it. “Please!” His eyes were focused on me. “You told me I had to believe in you, remember?!” But the tears falling down his face told me otherwise, he was focused on fight the chip. “Nines!” Crawling away from there, feeling the snow all over my body, the steam coming off my mouth blurring my vision even more. My head, aching.

 _“Forgive me”_ I heard him say.

I had to abandon faith and run away. Standing up, I tried to move as fast as I could, seeing him chasing after me, however, made me realize I wouldn’t get that far.

Glancing over, I spotter Lara chasing after him. I saw a gun in her hand and I was sure she had to shot him. I was sure she had to kill him.

Still if I could choose, I wouldn’t do it. 

“Nines!” I don’t want to give up on you.

I stopped, suddenly, and saw his fist coming at me, punching my face. My mouth filled with the taste of blood and his eyes didn’t stop tearing up. He tried to punch me again and this time I had to defend myself by blocking it. I wasn’t able to fight him, I knew that from the start. Stumbling a little, he managed to kick my stomach hard enough to make me fall onto the floor.

“Lara…” I mumbled, seeing a gun on her hand. “…don’t”

 _“I’m sorry”_ I heard one shot being fired, one that would hurt Nines’ hand by protecting his head from being hurt. He stared at her, for some more seconds. She shot him again and he avoided it.

“You can’t win against me” He said, in the most robotic voice I’ve ever heard coming out of his mouth. “I can deactivate you very easily, so go on” The pain on her face told me she knew… “Do as he say” It was a big disadvantage.

She shot him, again, and this time, Nines didn’t hesitate once to kick her on the head. She fell to the floor and a struggle started. Nines trying to shut Lara down and she trying to shut him down. Both of their hands were, for a moment, choking each other, for some other, Lara would roll around the snow and stand up, hitting Nines’ face hard enough to make him start losing his skin, and showing the metal under him. Thirium started to fall down Lara’s face, Nines’ fists were laying on the right spots for Lara to bleed.

It was, somehow, mesmerizing to see two killing machines fight each other. Even if I knew Lara didn’t have all of her functions, she could still fight incredibly well.

While Nines was looking away, I managed to crawl under a car, trying to help my bleeding leg. I didn’t want to look at Nines’ fighting with Lara, but I needed to know if they were both, still, alive, and think of something to do to stop Nines.

Although, “need to know what to do” was a lie. The only thing that could stop him would be kill him. I could knock him down but, how in the world would I be able to get that close to him without being hurt? My leg was hurt anyway, I couldn’t run properly and Lara’s face started to show more metal than skin.

She caught my gaze and sent me a sign.

_“Help me”_

“Nines, let go now!” One last chance. “I’ll shot, _let go now!”_

If I could start again, from zero, one million miles away, I would do it without thinking. All the memories that we created; I would trade them for a life in peace. For him, only him. To see him love and be loved in a different place. To experiment his humanity with someone whose brain isn’t trying to kill them. **“Nines!”** Because seeing him in pain like this, it’s unbearable.

“Gavin, he won’t listen!” I heard her say, attempting to shot him again, but this time, Nines went ahead and stop her.

I saw, how Lara’s arm was ripped apart from her body, hard enough to make her crumble in the floor. _“Nines, **no!”**_

My throat and the taste of blood that screaming at the top of my lungs caused made the guilt filled my head. Her eyes, losing color and life, were proof of my stupidity and weakness. Of the gun that blinded me. 

His eyes gain color for a split second, but then came back in, to the black pitch color that seemed to take away his humanity. Thirium falling in the snow covered the floor. Mixed in it, I was sure Lara’s tears were in there too.

Feeling useless, feeling suffocated, I knew this day would come. I slept with the gun that would kill me, I thought I was prepared for it. I thought that, surely, he could fight it more than he did. I thought that I would be prepared, ready to see the future in time and do something.

I thought.

I always think.

But I never manage to do anything.

Her last gesture was she throwing her gun to me, hoping that I would have the guts to shot him and, _end him_. Hoping that I could kill the man I love, she looked at me. “ _He’s not coming back, Gavin”_ And I tried hard, hard enough to aim well at his head, but ended up shooting his back. Making him aware of me.

He threw Lara away, enough to come at me and dragged me out from under the car. Kicking the gun out of my hands, he saw me. The tears mixed with the Thirium falling on his face, and the metal that showed his nature, paralyzed me.

“Nines!” I tried to push him away from me, but his hands reached my neck. _“Pl—”_ And his strength neutralized me. _“Don—"_ I could tell, behind that metal and black eyes…

**_“Kill me”_ **

Was the man that loved me so much.

His eyes, suddenly, lost any kind of color and closed. His whole body fell onto me and I couldn’t see who it was, I didn’t want to see anything. I knew that the sound I just heard was a shot, I knew that Nines fell because of that.

The freezing temperature made me realize how much I was crying. My whole face was aching. His body weight increased when he wasn’t conscious, and my lungs failed me to take a deep breath. I hugged him, as hard as I could to beg him to come back to me. I begged him to wake up and to open his eyes.

From the distance I could hear people talking. I didn’t know their voices, and couldn’t care less.

His hair was resting on my face, and his hands, that were choking my neck seconds ago, now were on the snow, covered in Thirium, from him or Lara.

It amazed me how fast things turned for the worst, with the snow falling on my face, it all sink in. Like an old memory, I saw everything coming and stayed. Seconds ago, we were both staring at each other, he mumbling some things that made me laughed, hoping to make me feel better, help the anxiety that all of this mess created inside of me. He taking care of me, I wonder now, was he scared too? Of the inevitable. Of growing to love me even more. Trying to keep me safe and sane, every time I cry, I saw him fighting with himself, to not crumble too.

“No…” I heard myself, hiding my face on his hair, hugging him, like one would hold his last wish on earth. “Don’t go… please” His black sweater was ripped apart, and I could only imagine how his whole body was. “ _Don’t give up on me_ , come back”

In the night, everything was clearer.

“He’s not dead”

From the distance, a strange man appeared, looking at me with a painful expression on his face.

“The virus has been neutralized for now, he’ll be fine”

It took me one minute to realize it.

“How do you know?”

Trying to sit down with Nines on my arms, he saw me with such a concerned expression on his face. The man on a black SWATs suit looked at me with pity. One look that I could recognize everywhere, I was used to it in my teenage years. Kneeling down to look at me, and then look at Nines, he didn’t answer my question but acknowledge my injury.

“You need medical assistance” He said, looking at my leg, bleeding. “Wait here”

From all the chaos that was happening everywhere, I didn’t have time to interrogate anyone. In this moment, I wasn’t a Detective or a psychic. I was a friend and a lover.

“Please assist her” I asked, looking at Lara on the ground. _“Please”_

“It’s going to be ok” He said, not going to her but going to a whole team of people gathered in the, now, on fire building.

The view was consuming me. Fire spreading in the building, the covered faces of unknow people, the car that Nines destroyed. The havoc of the once, safe area, was the tragedy I couldn’t prevent from happening. Like a twisted metaphor, everywhere I go the chaos will come. What does it matter? Seeing the future seems to be just a bigger obstacle. There’s no gift, no tool, there’s only a helpless child whose present will be as painful as the future. Whose emotions are as damned as the universe itself.

I promise myself to not give up on him. I promise myself to try harder and allow myself to heal. But how in the world am I supposed to do that if I can’t help myself? Help me from hurting, help me from being useless.

“I’m so sorry” I brought this upon us. _“Nines, I’m so sorry”_ Inevitable, it’ll take my honey somewhere else.


	28. Everything I wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin's only desire: for Nines to be happy, for him to be alive. He questions, however, is it okay for him to stay?

If I could start again, would I choose to love you in the end? If loving you was enough for me to make you happy, I would. But dear, we both know, this is meant to last for not much long, because it feels so good. To be alive, to have hope and expect something from tomorrow. I knew, it would hurt. Sleeping next to him, staring at his brown eyes until I fall asleep. Hearing his voice mumbling some random facts that no one cares just for the sake of cooing me. The loop in my head remind me of my own fatality. Not having nowhere to go, knowing that in the end, there would be blood. Knowing that I can’t make you happy. Not as happy as you thought.

I don’t know what happened, I remember being in an ambulance and seeing a whole team of people who probably belonged to the SWAT coming in and out of the building. I remember trying to not lost Nines’ out of my sight, but in the end, they took me in, and he, ended up somewhere else.

My head was trying to make sense of all of this, while trying to focus on what to do next. If Nines’ chip was still active, maybe not in the form of the chip itself but maybe some kind of virus, that would only incriminate Kamski more. I wanted to ask so many questions, but my mouth was shut because of pain.

My pain and the unbelievable guilt I felt.

For taking away his honey and melting it, I took it all away. Would he recover? Would he come back and love again? From the humanity that he showed me I had, I needed to give some back. Some heartless, selfish monster would stay and learnt a lesson, allowing them to see, how the bullet pierce my head. But, _oh lord,_ how much I wished I could stay. How much I wished I could be someone else and meet you, adore you the way I do, be friend you like I wanted to. Fall in love like one would want. Similar to your books and the emotions that you, despite everything, demanded having. Fight for having. I’m sorry.

I had a dream, one where I had everything I wanted. Laying in my bed, I woke up to the sound of birds singing outside. Opening the door, I saw Tina, chatting with Ethan. Both of them shared the warmest smile I had ever seen. One could say that every time they smiled at each other.

Ethan’s face was as bright as before. The sleepless nights were gone, and his smile was, once again, giving life to the house. Tina’s long hair moving at the rhythm of the fan. It was peaceful and routine. I sat down on the table and looked back when we all noticed a new character entering the kitchen.

And there he was, as beautiful as always.

With different clothes, like his wish. With a bed hair and a soft smile drawn on his face. He sat down next to me and left a kiss on my cheek. I felt, how his hands reached out for mines on the table. The noise that my head was trying to recreate was suddenly, gone, and everything that remain was me and him, sitting and seeing each other’s eyes, not thinking of anything. Like one admires a piece of art, I could stay there all my life. Smiling at each other, wanting to tease him, joke about his bed hair and made some ridiculous android puns.

_I wanted._

Oh, lord, how much I _wanted_.

In the dream, he held my hand and walked with me on the street. At night, no one was nearby. Just me and him. His voice was mumbling some song that remind of that night, moving his arms at the rhythm of it. Following him, smiling and laughing, everything became an echo. The song, the steps, the night, the lonely street. In my head, fading away. I was aware of my own desires and my own fault. I needed to do things right, just for once. I needed a second chance. To remove myself from the narrative, to let them start again.

I wish you could stay there; _no one will hurt you._

Of the promises that I couldn’t fulfill, I created my own penalty. I deserve to be exiled of my own dreams. Where the only bit of chaos, is me. And, once I’m gone, roses and flowers would grow on that lonely street, the sun could embrace his children like it never could do to me. Because, once I face it, I get burned.

Remembering our reunion and the excitement my heart felt, the fever that consumed me, I smiled one last time, of the selfishness of my being. For the urge of my heart, someone had to die. For the urge of his heart, we couldn’t say no. I know I couldn’t. Preventing it, doing more. Did I blind myself because of love?

_I’ll try to kill it, again._

I opened my eyes and encountered a white room, a nursing room. My leg was covered in bandages and my face had some as well. I could tell I was under anesthesia, at this point I was, sadly, used to it and managed to move a little. Sitting down, feeling my body weighting more than it really does, I looked around looking for someone to explain to me anything at all. But there was no one, just me and numerous beds.

For what appeared to be hours I spent the time examining the whole room. There wasn’t a single window in there, I couldn’t tell if we were underground or if this was part of the FBI as well.

“Now that I think about…” I mumbled. “Why did I assume the FBI took me in?”

Like a joke, I question myself who the fuck took me in the car and who were these people. At the time I was in shock and didn’t really care who was helping Nines and Lara, I just wanted them to survive. “Androids don’t feel pain…” Remembering his exacts words… “What’s that bullshit?” I wanted to choke him and show him how much pain his face had last night.

How much pain is heart was in.

“Gavin Reed” I heard, suddenly as I tried to stand up by myself, ignoring the anesthesia at all. “Are you… trying to stand up with anesthesia?”

The voice of the doctor told me he thought I was stupid.

“Yes” I mumbled, looking down on the floor.

“Are you stupid?” And his guts told me so too.

“What the fuck?” He laughed like a little boy and came closer to me, helping me sit down again on the bed. “Is my _butt exposed?”_ The low temperatures of Alaska were misleading, I didn’t notice my butt was exposed until the slightest breeze told me so.

“Have you ever been in a hospital before?” He asked, as sassy as he could get. “By the look on those stiches I bet you have been shot enough times to buy a lottery ticket” I frowned, confused. “I mean it’s amazing you’re not dead”

“Ah, yeah” I nodded, asking myself the same question. “Don’t know, not my time to go yet I think”

“About timing” He said, looking on some papers that were resting on his lab coat’s pockets. “You’ll be attending a conference with your General, he seems to have information of the case you’re working right now”

“Information? For me?” He shook his head.

“Don’t ask me kiddo, I’ve got nothing on that one” He smiled and hand me some medication. “Those are pain killers; you better take them now or your leg will be hell”

“How bad is it?” I said, trying to get a closer look on it.

“Is not that bad” He raised his shoulders, unbothered. “A piece of glass made a deep cut, not enough to damage it permanently, just enough to bleed all over the place and bother you for some months”

“Months?” This doctor was a piece of shit. “Also, what’s with that attitude? If you don’t care you don’t have to act all _mean girl,_ you know”

“I don’t watch comedy shows that are for teenage girls, detective” He said, smiling again with those fucking annoying white teeth. “If anything, you can distract yourself with this” He gave me what appeared to be an ipad but had the CyberLife logo on it. “You guys are from CyberLife?” He nodded, frowning. “Are you an android?”

“Maybe?” He said, turning his face white, revealing the metal under him. “Dunno” Winking at me, I’ve never felt so uneasy by someone getting naked in front of me.

“Jesus Christ…” He left, laughing of my confused and spooked face.

The time came and the ipad appeared to have an incoming call. I grabbed it carefully, since it looked like it could break into pieces by the slightest touch. “Hello” I said, seeing the Hispanic General from before. The one that was in charge of me right now.

“Detective Gavin, good to see you alive” I nodded, not saying anything since it wasn’t my biggest achievement in life. “I’m really sorry for the things you had to witness, you’ll spent your recovery in good hands and I trust these people to take care of you”

“Who are these people?” I asked, and he stayed silent for a second. “Hello?”

“They are from the FBI, detective” He said, looking down at some papers on his desk. “What I needed to inform you was… that you’re out of the case”

“What?!” You’ve got to be kidding me. “What do you mean out of the case? Until now I thought I was an important piece on the puzzle”

“You still are an important piece to _protect”_ He admitted. “We’re still figuring out what went wrong with Nines and Kamski’s procedure seems to be… questionable” I rolled my eyes as hard as I could as my way to say _“no shit, really dude?”_ but valued my life, so thinking is free. “We tried to follow the path of having you as our map since your role as a Detective wasn’t required if you were a relative to the suspect, it was dangerous to let you get in the war zone, you have to understand that” The voice of this man changed entirely from the first time I met him. As if, he softened somehow. “But since the progress made with the psychiatrist Gabrielle and Justin was ineffective—”

“What happened to them?” I asked, remembering Gabrielle’s voice screaming in pain last night. I think I knew the answer, but was scared of facing it.

“They both passed away” _Ah._ “In the end, Detective…” Pause. “´Please stay in there and don’t come out, until we figure out everything that has to do with this case, you’ll stay in there with your partner”

 _“Nines?”_ He nodded, calmly. “Is he here?”

“Of course, he’s there, we can’t leave you alone right now”

_Think, Gavin._

“Right”

_Don’t give in._

“We thank you for your services and we look forward to keep working with you in regards on your ability of course, until new orders you have to stay there and not go anywhere, understand?”

_Stop it from hurting._

“Yes” I said, taking a deep breath. “What about Lara?” I asked, trying to keep my cool and focusing one more time on this. “Is she… ok?”

“Trojan has been dismantled for good this time”

One piece, falling on the floor.

“I see”

From my broken heart, the one piece I thought I was never going to lose.

“I’ll leave you now then, Detective Reed, I believe Captain Fowler will inform you on what to do next, from now, you’re not longer under my care so…” He smiled. “Good luck”

Not again.

“Good luck too sir, you’ll need it with this case” The call ended.

And my thoughts did too.

I never once doubted my heart, and its power. The will of its to feel and allow me to see more of what always ends up hurting me. I never, once, try to avoid the consequences of my actions, but this time, I’m completely sure, I gaslighted myself to enjoy it a little bit more. It didn’t matter how scared I was, of losing everything in a split second. The thought of being alive, talking and chatting with _friends_ made me realize how long it had been since I was a normal human.

When I arrived in Detroit everyone treated me like a piece of shit. Jealousy got the best of them and my aspirations were ruined once the world started to change. For some time, I really wanted to be just a police officer. With Tina by my side, I thought it would be fun enough for me. With time, my life turned for worst, and every day in Detroit seemed to be colder. With no one around me who would want to be friends with me. I knew I was lonely, but never realize how broken I was.

Depression hit like waves, strong enough to question the value of life itself. And sometimes I wonder why I didn’t take my life those days. Where, at night, with the moon lying on the sky, I held a knife tightly on my wrists. Knowing that one sudden move could change everything, I never brought myself to hurt me. And that terrifies me. Because the hate that my heart felt wasn’t as strong as the fear of dying. One would think I don’t fear death, since I’ve seen enough of it. One would think since I can see the future, I would know what to change.

The thing is, I don’t fear death itself. I fear that, when the time comes, life would be mildly enjoyable, and then, with my heart bare open, death will come and take me away. Stab a knife and run away. Like it always does. Give me life and then, smirk while the sun is coming down, try to interrupt my thoughts while killing it for me. The one thing that brings me joy.

“I’m sorry” I realized how alone I was when, not even God could create me a _friend._ “I’m sorry”

A human created me a friend and a lover. Not even _that_ could God _ever_ do for me.

Minutes passed. The limited view of this white room reminds me of the laboratory, the one with a single chair and a single table in it. No one came in and for the longest time ever, I was _really_ alone with my thoughts. The company of the few that sometimes came in was gone. Not Lara, Tina or Nines. There was just me. I felt my head under water. No time to breath. Dark thoughts were hitting like waves, consuming me whole.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

But no matter what I decide, I’ll bring pain.

My selfish stupid ass couldn’t see, the most obvious thing. Nothing that’s broken can pretend to be useful anymore. No one will fall for the charade of the broken dishes. No one will eat on them.

The day passed, no one around. One nurse came in, left me food, and then she was gone.

_No one is here._

_I had a dream where I had everything I wanted._

_My heart was at peace._

_My loneliness was no more._

_If I were to dream, would it hurt you to stay?_

_For a little longer, dedicate me a poem,_

_Say the words I yarn to hear,_

_One more time,_

_One last time,_

_I’ll swear to God I’ll be alright,_

_If I know you’ll be fine,_

_As long as I’m here, you could die._

_So please, when I dream, stay a little longer,_

_In there, you’ll be alright._

“Gavin Reed” I heard, breaking the silence, a strange voice. “You’ll be transferred to a room of your own, please follow me”

“I’ll do it if I could” I said, looking at my leg, making the lady that just entered frowned, annoyed.

“Right, I can’t do math apparently” She said, making me frown now. “Can someone please bring Milos? I need help transporting a body”

“I’m not _dead”_ She smiled at me and laughed.

Why does everyone here resemble a fucking creep?

“Stop calling patients bodies, dear lord” I heard a male android saying, looking at me with a smiling face, one that was less creepy that everyone here. “Hi! My name is Milos, I’ll help you walk to your room detective Gavin”

“Yeah…” Although his voice didn’t match his face at all. He had the angelic face of a baby and the deep voice of a man. “What model are you?”

“I’m an—”

“Milos” We heard the lady say, again, and we both settle down as spoiled brats.

“Right, let’s go!” He said, smiling at me and handing me his hand. I held it and stood up, feeling my leg kind of numb right now. “You good?”

“Yeah, yeah…” I let out, weakly, looking at the lady with the big glasses staring at us. “My butt is on the air”

“Ah” They both shared a look and the lady walk away immediately. “We don’t have your clothes… I believe”

“ _What”_ He helped me sit down again in the bed and ran outside to look for clothes.

While sitting there, I couldn’t help but think of where the hell was Nines. Everyone here seemed to be an android, I wasn’t sure if the lady was one because she didn’t have her LED, but so did the doctor. If he was here, and he was alright like they said, we needed to talk. Forgetting that I’m no longer in the case, there’s something I can’t avoid anymore.

If he stays by my side, he will hurt. It’s not an omen, it’s a promise.

“Come on” I heard Milos say, coming back in with an elegant black bag. “Help yourself, tell me what you want to wear”

“Oh, hell no” I whispered, realizing something. _“I won’t get naked in front of you”_

“Detective, I’m a nurse, this is my job” He said, giggling a little. “Besides, I don’t particularly like humans as partners”

And that made me chuckle too. For some reason, the idea of an android not liking humans never crossed my mind. I guess I’m really selfish or maybe egocentric. Thinking that it was possible Nines could feel anything for anyone, I forgot one thing.

“I guess you androids do have different tastes, after all” Their hearts are so different too.

Dressing with a white shirt and some jeans I was ready to go. Since I couldn’t walk properly, the shoes, even if they looked elegant, they appeared so lame. Milos called the lady, again, whose name was a mystery for me. We started following her, with my arm across Milos’ shoulder I started thinking…

Do these people know the word “wheelchair”?

Milos, the android by my side, was the typical blond hair blue eyes American model. I questioned myself if androids were all supposed to look like ones. If so, why do CyberLife cared so much about appearances? Like that, everyone would fall in love with them.

We got into an elevator and waited for 10 minutes until we arrive. And with that, I was sure of one thing. I was in an insanely large and big building, and this was the 37 floor. “This is hell of a building” I mumbled and Milos laughed, making me a little less awkward considering that the lady’s face was as monotone as Nines’.

They opened the door of a room and let me in. It looked like a suite and _that_ raised an eye on me. “Why does the FBI have suites like this one?” I asked, and the lady looked at me smiling. Not really looking at the floor. “The FBI has a lot of things my guy” She said, still, smiling. “From now you can enjoy it, until you recover this will be your home, so get used to it”

“Right” Milos said, leaving me on the large bed. “I forgot your wheelchair”

“So, you did have one” I mumbled, annoyed, and he nodded shy. Aware of his stupidity. “God dammit”

“Milos, the wheelchair” We heard another android coming in, saying hi to me for a second, and then leaving it next to my bed. “I’m sorry” The android said and I nodded in response, not really wanting to make a scene of this.

“Alright Detective, please rest the—”

“Wait!” God dammit. “Where is… my partner?”

“RK900 will be on his way once he’s available, don’t worry Detective” She said, opening the door for Milos and the other android to leave.

“It was nice meeting you, Gavin!” Said Milos, cheerfully, and I nodded back, not saying anything.

_What was that?_

“What is this?” I mumbled, looking around the room, sitting in the wheelchair to take a look.

It was a literal suite, I knew, but the budget of the FBI was incredible if that was the case. The bathroom looked like a whole house, and the living room had the biggest TV I’ve ever seen. The sofas were covered in microfiber and the bed was bigger than my own. I’d say it was the size of my bathroom back in Detroit.

“This is depressing” It wasn’t like I didn’t have money. I did. But my ambitions never understood the grace of living in an expensive house. Neither buying expensive clothes. “That stupid jacket was expensive _tho_ ”

I sat down on the sofa, looking at my leg and realizing the actual size of the injury. Last night I would have guessed it was bigger, but the bandage told me it was probably about 2,7 inches.

“What now Gavin?” I asked myself, thinking of Nines and his arrival.

If he were to remember everything, would I have the guts to tell him what I think it’s necessary? If he doesn’t remember me, however, would I handle it? I guess it’s killing two birds in a row, still. Deep down, I don’t want him to forget me.

Am I selfish enough to say that to his face? I’m trying to do it right.

“How the hell am I gonna do it?”

“Do what?”

God dammit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally so long, so I divided the chapter in two pieces. I hope you enjoy it.


	29. Wrong direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter made me cry.
> 
> Gavin's decision is selfish. Or so Nines' thinks.

I looked back and saw him smiling at me. The white jacket was gone. A black turtle neck suited him well, awfully well. The look on his face told me he expected me to run right into his arms. My heart did so too. He didn’t say anything else, we just stared at each other for some minutes until I took a deep breath.

“Nines…” Put yourself together, you got no time to cry. “You’re ok…”

“I am”

_Lord, I want to hug you so bad._

“It seems to be harder to destroy me completely” The look on his face, is lighting the whole room too. “You are… okay too”

Coming in, he closed the door and looked at me. His eyes staring at my injuries, his LED turned orange, and my hands started shaking, so I hide them under my legs. Biting his lower lip, he looked down for a minute, enough time for me to take a deep breath and start again, find _something_ in me.

“I was waiting for you” The _courage_ to destroy all of this. “I’m really glad you’re okay”

“Gavin, I’m sorry” He said, sitting down next to me, with his head down. His voice trying not to crack. How am I going to do this? “I thought I could… I—” If whenever he cries, I crumble completely. “I tried to fight it I swear I did, but it gain power over me so quickly I—”

“I know it’s not your fault” I said, nodding but not looking at him. “I know you tried; I could tell you were… suffering” Silence. “Things turned for the worst when we least expect it and that’s how life is, we can’t control what’s going to happened”

“We can control certain things but… that wasn’t one of them, sadly”

What did you expect, Gavin? Your heart is racing. What else did you actually expect? You _adore_ him. You _love_ him. You _need_ him. “And is because of it that… this should end too”

Am I going to _destroy him?_

“What do you mean?” Don’t look at his eyes, you’ll regret it. “Gavin?”

“We both knew right? Don’t tell me I was the only one” Don’t acknowledge the red that’s lighting on his LED, you’ll regret it. “The more you and I keep being together, more of _that_ will keep happening”

“What is _that?”_ I regret it. “What is _that_ Gavin, tell me”

“Pain” Allowing myself to feel when I know how everything turns for me. “Suffering, for everyone around me, it didn’t take long to catch you too”

“Are you blaming yourself for the things the chip did to me?” I don’t want to do it. “Are you hearing yourself? What kind of logic is that?”

“The only one I have, _detective”_ The look on his face, completely desperate to ask more and more, made me lose courage. “As long as I’m _me_ , there will be people who will take advantage of it, and one of the theories is whoever created the chip, whenever it was Levón or Kamski, wanted to get _me”_

“So, am I supposed to leave you alone and let you in danger?”

“You aren’t my bodyguard, Nines!” I stand up, limping but standing. “You were meant to be _my partner,_ not my bodyguard!”

“We are meant to be a _team!”_ He stood up too. The expression of disbelief tormented my brain more. I couldn’t get it out of my head. “We are meant to _protect each other;_ this isn’t just about me Gavin!”

“It is about you if I can’t protect you in the end!”

“What do you mean _you can’t?_ You’ve taken bullets for me too!”

“But I haven’t been forced to _kill my friends_ because of you!” He turned his back on me for a minute and looked down, with his hand on his waist. “Nin—”

 ** _“That wasn’t you Gavin!”_** His voice. _“You didn’t create the chip, did you?!”_

“Of course, I didn’t!”

“Then what the hell does that have—”

“I’m sure it will catch up to me eventually” I said, interrupting him. “I know the chip isn’t over, these people don’t know what they are fighting and with us out of the case I feel even more uneasy”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know what they are going to do next!” I took one hand to my face while the other keep me balanced, holding the sofa. “While I was aware of their moves, I felt little in control, now we don’t know shit and I’m sure they want to get me”

“We talked about this before, maybe they aren’t after you and—”

“Are you kidding me?!” He rolled his eyes and turned his back, again. “Of course, they are Nines! Why in the world would they get you? Why was Tina there that day? How did they see the future before me? This is all bullshit and it will catch up to me eventu—”

“ _Then why do you want me far away from you?!”_ Every time he looked back; his expression was more demolished. “You have more chances of being safe if I’m around you, Gavin, I don’t need to do any kind of analysis that’s pure logic”

“So, let it be!” He almost ran up to me, looking at me in the eyes, I tried to look away but his whole presence was extremely intoxicating, pulling me in. “What?”

“Do you ever think before talking?” He didn’t threaten me, but his voice was enough for me to feel cornered. _“I love you,_ is it so hard to understand?”

“It’s not hard—”

“Then try taking that into consideration!” If he could call me names, I bet he would be calling me an idiot. “I don’t give a _fuck_ about teaming with you or being your partner” The humanity came on the wrong direction. _“I only care for you to be with me!”_

“I—” Left speechless wasn’t what I wanted in this situation. “ _I wanted that_ , believe me I wanted that too”

“What’s stopping you?” He asked, reaching for my hand, staring at my eyes. As if he was holding his last straw, hoping to never fall. “What’s really stooping you Gavin?”

“I don’t know” I thought I could do it.

“Do you really think that going back to how we were before is going to help?” His voice cracking, making me want to give in, was intoxicating me. “How is that going to help in any way?”

“I don’t know!” It might had been a nightmare. “I don’t have the answers for that, but I know that the more you stay, the more you’ll encounter, I can’t—”

“You can’t face it” I looked at him and noticed his effort to not cry. “This isn’t about me”

“No, it’s not that” I tried to clear my throat. “You know this job overall is dangerous, I’ve been facing this bullshit for years, it isn’t about the danger or—” Paused. “Nines, it doesn’t matter”

“It matters to me when you make decisions that are for both of us” I knew he was right. “It matters when I see you in pain and refuse to tell me really what’s on your mind, instead of playing games and try to push me away”

“I’m not playing games—"

“Am I supposed to leave you alone because _you are scared?_ ” Because everything is falling apart inside of me. “I won’t let you do that”

“Do what? Leave you?!”

 _“Run away from this!”_ I knew yelling didn’t make sense. I knew he didn’t want to anyway. Why are we losing ourselves on this? What did we do? “You know, _god damn right_ , that being together or not won’t change anything! You will still have your ability, and people will keep trying to take advantage of you, so _why do you want to run away from me?”_

**_“Because I can’t see you in pain again!”_ **

I don’t deserve you.

“Because I’m **_fucking_** traumatized of… seeing your face **_crying and killing_** people that you _love too!”_ I pointed his chest with my finger, hitting it with no effort, sure of my own tragedy. I know the courage I’m trying to find to tell you this, isn’t enough for me to face myself either. “We are both weapons they can’t afford to lose, and yeah, maybe we are out of the case now, but that doesn’t mean this won’t catch up to us later, at least I know it will catch up to _me,_ and I don’t—”

“You don’t want to see that”

 _“Can you blame me?!”_ I wanted to run away from there. “I can’t handle these things anymore! I can’t lose someone else because of me, I can’t…” I needed to shut down. _“I can’t see you suffer because of me!”_

 _“You are not responsible for what happened last night!”_ He held my arms tight, me trying to turn my back on him. In the air, I could see my fist clenching.

 ** _“Fuck yes I am!”_** My throat and the taste of blood started to appear. “I knew I shouldn’t have kiss you! I knew I shouldn’t have let the fucking fever control me, but you know what? **_I did_** _,_ and I’m sorry I thought this could work because it felt—”

“ _You are not responsible for what happened last night, Gavin!”_ He repeated, holding my shoulders with both of his hands. A reaction, he always looks for that. I looked away, not engaging eye contact at all. Because I know, I would regret this. “Look at me”

“No”

 _“ **Look at** **me”**_ Who am I protecting really? “It doesn’t matter who I am in love with, pain will catch up everyone, everywhere” Is it him? “You can’t control that Gavin, it’s unrealistic to think that once you’re gone, I’ll be fine” Is it me? “You are scared, I understand that, I’m scared too”

“Of what?”

“Hurting you, of course, look at you!” His hand reached my face, landing on my cheek. “Your face, your leg, all of this is because of me” Was it really? “I am the one who should want to leave, but I’m right here!”

“That’s on you…”

“That’s because I won’t give up on you easily”

He desperately wanted eye contact with me. Anxiously touching my face, looking for a reaction out of me. But my mind was shutting down, aware of my own lies and manipulation, I was such a fool. To think that he would buy it, now I can’t go back.

“I’m sorry, Nines” I can’t do it again. “I can’t see my love dying, I just won’t” Even if he comes back, over and over again, my head can’t take it no more. “You’re right, this job overall is dangerous, I’ll quit once we come back”

“That’s not what I—”

“But that’s it, isn’t it?!” I yelled, feelings my tears falling on my face. “Who the fuck did I think I was fooling? I’m not a hero, I’m not good with these things, I thought getting shot was okay as long as it was _just_ me, and now that we are involved in all of this, with this…” Took a deep breath. “…Degenerate people looking for me, knowing who I am, who I love, who I work with, I ended up putting everyone in danger”

“You realize it would be just the same in any other case?” He said. “It doesn’t matter which case we are in, we end up getting shot, hurt, or traumatized for some time, together or not, we both have been through the same events”

“I know” I looked down, closing my eyes. “That’s why I can’t involve you in my junk, if they want me that’s fine, but I won’t let them use you against me”

“I’m not a tool, _detective”_ What is it that hurts so much? “I have my own will and my own purpose, right now, serving the police is one of them, and more importantly, being by your side is what _I choose to do”_

“What if I tell you I don’t love you anymore?”

I’ve built a charade.

“That’s your own choice, Gavin”

One that could face the challenges I certainly can’t.

“Well then, take it as you will, I don’t love you anymore”

Coming closer to selfish decisions, I realize how much it hurts.

“Are you really that scared?”

To love someone, like I love him.

“You _won’t die_ protecting me, and you _won’t hurt_ the people you love because of my uselessness”

“Androids don’t die” He said. “And I won’t go anywhere, doesn’t matter how more bullets I’ll catch, I’ll come back”

“I don’t want you to catch bullets for me” Finally, I gave in eye contact. “I—” Finally, a crack in my heart. “I—”

 _“You are scared”_ I had to lie. _“But you are still in love with me”_

 _“I don’t…”_ I must lie. “I don’t—”

_“Liar”_

The charade that I’ve built, it has its flaws. Because when his lips touched mines, I lost it completely.

“I won’t leave you alone now that you need me the most” He mumbled, holding my face with his hands, looking down on my leg, making sure it was ok. He looked at me with hope, trying to let me some of it. “You know exactly how you feel, and you know exactly _what you want”_

 _“This wasn’t what I wanted to do!”_ Embarrassing. My face being a mess, trying to hide the tears that were falling down. His eyes stared at me and didn’t hesitate at all. “I wanted to—”

“Lie” He interrupted, again, coming closer to me and kissing me one more time. Starving of something. “You tend to lie when you feel cornered, but I won’t let you decide on what’s best for me as an excuse for you to run away from yourself”

Starving of _me_.

“I wasn’t trying to…” I couldn’t take it anymore. “I was…”

“Tell me what’s really in your mind” He said.

“That I have to stop loving you”

 **“Tell me, Gavin”** I heard him. “What is going really on? Why are you hurting so much?”

_“I saw Lara die!”_

Was this what I needed?

“I heard them die…”

To crumble completely and let myself go.

“I saw you rip her arm out of her body…”

I needed to hurt enough.

“You begging me to kill you”

I need to heal.

“I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t save her from you” Tears falling down my face was the first step. “ _I couldn’t kill you_ ; I know I should have but _I couldn’t hurt you_ , not enough to kill you” And he seemed to found what he was looking for. “If I tried harder, would I have been able to see it? In time…”

“You can’t think of what could have been and assume guilt, you didn’t order the chip to be created didn’t you?”

“But I could have made more progress and see more of _your future_ , after all it was always in the back of my mind” He shook his head, holding my hands and taking me in for a hug. Embracing me as tight as he could to put me together. I hide my face on his shoulder and started crying again. For good.

“You tried to warn them” He said, bringing some logic to the situation. “You told Gabrielle numerous times and she didn’t do anything, she decided to not believe you, you can’t do anything about that” I heard myself making those disgusting sounds of breathing too much air and trying not to cry. I went back to my teenage years, but I couldn’t care enough. “I told you, I know you tried hard enough for them to be safe, you gave your best for them, they didn’t listen, and this happened”

“I’m sorry” At the end, it didn’t matter. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that, I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, I promised you that… if I was here, you’ll be safe, but I’m so useless when the time comes, I couldn’t save you, I couldn’t protect you”

“You saved me” He said. “Thanks to you I discovered my humanity and realized I was complete” Looking me in the eye, he smiled, tenderly. “Ever before I met you, I thought I was… broken, I was conscious but didn’t know what to do with myself, I was alive but at the end, I was an android taking orders, just this time, I was aware of them” Pause. “That day at the hospital, you told me exactly what I had been thinking, it infuriated me so much, I ended up saying nonsense out of anger, I knew exactly what you meant but couldn’t face it”

Ever since I met him, I always envy the strength he had to keep his cool when things turned for the worst. He never stopped; it didn’t matter what came his way. Now, seeing this killing machine in front of me, cry and look at me with those _eyes,_ I wonder when did I forget about his heart of gold? When did I start thinking he could do this alone?

“You’re all I have” I heard him say. “So, please…” Holding my hands tight. “Don’t give up on me”


	30. Everybody wants to rule the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mutual understanding of desire.

I should’ve known. I got a weakness for pretty eyes, ones that show enough emotion to take away my breath. Enough to make me melt.

That day left a mark on me. Something clicked in my head, something that I’ve never considered before. While he’s all I have _now,_ I’ve been all that Nines had _always._ His humanity shown with me, and his search for freedom entirely ended with his love for me. He’s tied up with me. And he doesn’t want to let go. Neither do I.

The night was peaceful. His eyes staring at me while soft kisses were placed in my nose, the feeling was enough to calm me down and fall asleep. Wanting to accommodate my leg in a different position, one that didn’t hurt, I turned my back on him. Soon I felt his hands touching my back, drawing figures, circles. I felt his nose rubbing on my neck, and his head hiding on my shoulder.

Stop existing like this wasn’t that bad after all.

“Ah— fucking hell…” The light of the lamp disturbing my sleep woke me up, abruptly.

“Way to say good morning” I heard him, opening my eyes, spotting his naked torso in front of me.

“Talking about good mornings” I opened my eyes in a second. “Is this an especial occasion?” 

“I took a shower” _Wait._

“What?” Now that I think about it… “Holy shit, you take showers too?”

“Tell me you’re joking” The disbelief in my face left him speechless. “Are you serious?”

“I think I’ve never seen you take a shower before”

We stared at each other for long minutes.

“In the bunker, you didn’t see me take a shower?”

“I was busy practicing, I guess I never did”

“You never notice that my hair was… clean?”

“You always smell good”

“What did you think I did when I got blood in my body?”

“Clean it up?”

“How?”

“…a towel?”

“Are we together and you didn’t know I take showers?”

“There’s a lot of things I don’t know about androids!” I sat down and saw him approaching me with a deathful stare on his eyes. “Wait—"

“It’s time we ask some questions I believe” He said, sitting down next to me. Still, with his torso naked. “What else do you not know?”

“Mhm…” I looked away and thought for a second. What are some basics things I should know? “Do you consider having a birthday?”

“No” He said, laying down on the bed, next to me legs. “I was activated in June 14 of 2024, but I wasn’t _born_ the way humans are”

“No way!” He rolled his eyes and laughed a little. “Why not consider it your birthday?” I asked, moving my leg with my hands to lay down next to him. “Parties are pretty cool”

“You don’t seem to be the party type of guy” I chuckled. “That laugh confirms it too”

“I’m certainly not the type to party, yes” I thought back then in high school. I was invited to several parties by some of the _gayest_ people in town and never went because of anxiety. I knew exactly what these parties were about, and I wasn’t willing to put myself in that situation. “But when we used to throw parties for Tina, we would cook our favorites dishes and listen to music, we would play a game or two and then go out to buy a gift” I whispered, feeling the nostalgia coming at me. “It was really nice”

“What about now? What did you do on your birthday?” _God damn I don’t want to cry._ “Ah— no, never mind”

“Yeah” I mumbled, closing my eyes. “I remember that day, it was stupid”

“It was unique…” He said, trying to soften things up. “Spending your birthday with me on the hospital was pretty…”

“Lame”

“Yeah, I won’t lie” We both laughed hard enough for me to start feeling pain on face. “Shut up! My face hurts” I complained, looking at him covering his face with his hands, trying to stop the laughter.

“I’m sorry” He managed to say, calming down. “Let’s go back to questions” He said, moving his body to see my face. Smiling. “I can do a lot of things; what do you think I can’t do? Maybe that’s a good start”

“Can you see me naked?” I asked, considering the fact that he reconstrued crime scenes with his technology, he might have x-ray on him.

“Ahm…” _OH?_ “I can, yes” I let out another big laugh and hide my face on the bed. “Ah!” I regret it instantly. “Son of a bitch, my face!”

“Did I startle you?” He asked, and I nodded, covering my mouth to stop laughing. “It’s more like… I can recreate a 3D simulation of what I’ve seen before, but in this case, I’ve never seen you entirely naked, so I can’t”

_Was that a request?_

“It’s not a request”

“Alright, your lost” The way Nines’ rolled his eyes every time he’s flustered made me smile like an idiot. “Your definition of _important_ is interesting nonetheless” He mumbled, covering his eyes with his hand. “Don’t you want to know more about me?”

“About you as an android or as…?”

“You seem to be a complete idiot when it comes to androids” I pushed him lightly, enough for him to gasp. “Don’t blame me for your ignorance!”

“I blame only the _sassy bitch_ in town” Nines frowned as if he didn’t know who I was talking to. “Are you playing pretend now?”

“Not really, but you have been playing to be an idiot for a while now” This son of a bitch. “Anyway, more questions?” I rolled my eyes while he smirked, victorious.

“Let’s see…” I looked at the ceiling and closed my eyes for some clarity. “I know you are not bulletproof, but how many bullets can you catch without dying?”

“As long as they don’t shoot me in, what humans call _heart, brain,_ I’m fine” He said. “Obviously, the damage of being shoot many times might corrupt some of my functions, but apart from that, I’m fine being shot”

“You shouldn’t…” He frowned. “Anyway…” I guess he really is a beast after all. “I know you like reading books for human understanding, but about music?” The soft smile on his face told me he loved it. “What’s your favorite song?”

“I don’t have a favorite song, yet” He said to my surprise. “But I love angelic voices, slow paces, and—”

“Romantic bullshit” I said, and he shook his head, annoyed. “Right?”

“I guess so” I laughed and placed my hand on his face, caressing it delicately. “What?”

“Your face” I said. “The first time I saw you, I thought you were beautiful”

“Oh?” What am I doing? “Thank you, I thought you looked pale as the wall”

“That took enough courage for me to say, and you bring that bullshit? I thought you were a helpless romantic!” He laughed and fall on the bed, mumbling somethings that I didn’t quite hear. “Whatever”

“You’re really interesting, Gavin” Suddenly, the door knocked and Nines stood up, oblivious to his, still, naked torso.

“Yes—”

“Nines!” I yelled and he looked back at me, confused of my tone of voice.

The way he looked at me gave me the message of being over dramatic, and he wearing his black sweater that was resting on the sofa as fast as the door knocked again gave me goosebumps.

“Good morning, detective” We heard, seeing the same lady coming in the room without asking.

“Good morning, doctor Maire” I didn’t question why he knew her name, at this point nothing surprises me. Apart from him taking showers. “What can I do for you?”

“I came here to check on detective Gavin’s recovery, and invite him to have breakfast with miss Alyssa”

“Alyssa Hill?” She nodded. “The CEO of CyberLife?”

“Of course,” She said, smiling. “She was informed of the accident that took place days ago, and asked us to meet you, after all you are one of the few that survived, she wishes to know more about the incident and know your perspective of the events”

“We’ll be right there” Said Nines, not waiting for me to say nothing. “Am I invited?”

“You are more than invited RK900” I heard her say in the same tone of voice. “Not only you were the first cured victim of the chip but you’ve been assigned to protect him while he recovers, didn’t you?” He nodded, calmly. “Miss Alyssa is expecting you at 10 am, floor 50, if you need help transporting detective Gavin, please let me know”

“For sure” I looked at Nines completely clueless as to what was happening and why did he accept it so fast, with no questions whatsoever. Doctor Marie left, and he turned to look at me, with a smile that confused me even more.

“What is Alyssa Hill doing here?” I asked and he sat down next to me on the bed. “Isn’t this an FBI installation?”

“Of course, not” His LED turned orange for a minute. “This is CyberLife’s central in Alaska, the FBI is using it to control what they create, after the revolution a lot of criticism forced them to agree with this condition” if I thought about it, the General told me these people were part of the FBI, but didn’t say the whole building was too. “In any case, we out of the case gives us a chance to do what we want to, don’t you think?”

“You want to interrogate Alyssa?” He shook his head. “Then?”

“Let’s be friends with her, and get to know her” He said, confident. “Right now, Kamski’s innocence is questionable, but so is Levón’ and Alyssa’s, if we can focus on one suspect, I can do my job properly”

“What job…?” He smiled, reaching for my hand and holding it tight. “Oh”

“Protect you” Couldn’t help but smile. “And you protect me”

“Then…” I looked down and acknowledge the odor coming off my body. “I have to shower, god damn”

“Mind if I join you? It’s for learning purposes” Taking the pillow next to me, I throw it right into his face, making him laugh and help me stand up and go to the bathroom. “Even if you dislike the idea, I think you need help taking a bath with that leg and those bandages” _Oh right_. “Or do you want me to call Milos?”

“No!” _Fucking hell._ “It’s fine, I’ll take your help, it’s better than someone else anyway” The winning smile of his made me want to slap him, but I didn’t want to hurt my hand. “I can’t tell if you’re mocking me or you’re just a perverted android”

“Do you remember what I told you about sexual desire?” He mumbled while sitting me down on the wheelchair, starting to move to the bathroom. “I told you androids don’t have such feelings”

“I remember that, I’m just teasing you” By the tone of his voice in that last sentence, I could tell I may have annoyed him.

“However,” He stopped, suddenly, I looked back at him but stopped, I felt him right next to me, in my ear, whispering. “I’m a deviant, Gavin”

_Oh._

“Right…”

Suddenly I felt something different on his eyes.

“You smell”

Something that could be misunderstood.

“Fuck off”

Possession ringed in my head.

Carefully, I took off my clothes while he moderated the temperature of the water. I saw how he didn’t try to look at me, not even once, as if I was no problem for him to focus on get me to the shower. He showed me a chair and positioned it in the middle of the shower. “This way you can and clean yourself without much effort” He took off the bandages and threw them in the trash. “I’ll go get new ones, don’t worry”

“You know how to bandage?” For a moment, I saw him staring at the injury in my leg and his LED turning orange was enough for me to reach for his shoulder and smile, comforting him on the obvious guilt of his eyes.

“Come on” He said, giving me his hand to stand up and sit down on the chair placed in the middle of the shower. “You think my skills stops when it comes to bandages?” Laughing made me lose balance and putting more of my weight on my leg hurt. “Careful”

“I am careful” I mumbled, seeing his clothes getting wet. “You be careful! Your clothes are all wet” He giggled in response, but didn’t care about it. “Take them out if you want to help me”

“Was that an invitation of some kind?” I stared at him for a moment, but he didn’t look away. 

“Take it as you will” One smile and he was good to go.

While he didn’t look once at me, I couldn’t help but stare. I felt stupid and childish. How in the world could he control himself so well? I’m over here watching him taking off his sweater and my heart is trying to run right into his arms.

“You know, Gavin” He said, kneeling down, helping me rub my legs with soap. “Part of being human is blushing when you feel flustered” _Motherfucker._ “And you’re awfully bad at lying to me as well”

“Shut the fuck up”

It was the longest shower I’ve ever taken in my life. For me, every movement of his was extremely slow. I noticed little details of his body, more and more. The fact that his _heart_ was in the middle of his body, the figure of a circle drawn on his chest. His skin looked healthier than mine, and that for some reason was funny to me. Androids were created to be “pleasant” for humans. I never thought they’d care about their bodies this much. Because Nines was perfect. More beautiful than anyone else I’ve ever seen.

Right when we left the bathroom, he sat me on the bed and help me dry my legs, since I could help myself with the torso. He stared at me for a moment, again, and I could tell, every time he saw my injury, something on his eyes changed. While he didn’t say anything, his LED turning orange was enough for me to understand what was going on. I didn’t know what to say, apart from “It’s okay”. I knew that wasn’t enough to erased the guilt, and I felt helpless too.

“Hey” I had to try. “Look at me” Because I’m taking the promise very seriously. “Nines”

“Yes?” He managed to look at me for a minute but continued to avoid eye contact again. “What is it?” He stood up and searched on a black bag full of new clothes that Marie had left earlier this morning. “What do you want to wear? They give you another pair of jeans and a red—”

“Nines” I stood up, feeling the stiches hurt. I supported myself with the bed, but couldn’t go farther than that. “Please, just a second” He looked back and rushed to help me stand up again.

“Sit down, what are you doing?” Once that I got him closer to me, I took a deep breath and kissed him. Careful to not fall, I saw his LED turning orange and then, become blue again.

“You are not responsible for what happened that night” I said, remembering what he said to me as well. “You are not a monster, not a killing machine, you’re not any of that” Silence. “You are Nines” Trying not to cry, he looked down for a second. “I told you that day, didn’t I? That I was okay with _this_ happening, I knew it would at the end”

“It hurts” He admitted, finally. “To see you like this, I never wanted to hurt you”

“And you didn’t” I said, trying to calm him down, I hugged him tight. “This wasn’t you, you would never hurt me” He nodded while embracing me too.

“Your butt is on the air” He mumbled, breaking the atmosphere.

_Who would have thought?_

“You can’t blush, but you surely get startled over some pretty words, don’t you?” He rolled his eyes and helped me get dressed.

With a more relaxed expression, I could tell he felt better now. And even if my words weren’t enough to take out the guilt, I needed him to know that I didn’t blame him for it. If anything, I wanted to protect him, so he would never hurt that way, ever again. My first, compulsive, option, was push him away. The second one, harder, was to become stronger to never fear future anymore.

He bandaged my injuries and sat me down on the wheelchair. Cleaning the shoes that were given to me, he smiled and giggled like a little kid. “What?” I asked, and he stood up to start pushing the wheelchair.

“When you’re at peace, the smile you give is prettier”

“Your flirting is getting better” I said, trying not to blush for my own bullshit. He laughed, so I assumed he thought so too. That or he notice my awkwardness. Both were equally embarrassing.

The building was incredibly big, and now that I think about it, CyberLife’s _aesthetic_ was all over the place. Blue, white, triangles, and the technology of every single detail was yelling _“I’m a futuristic bullshit”_ to me. Getting in the elevator and being alone in that little space forced Nines to play with my hair, trying to _style it_ better according to his words.

“Floor 50” He said while the elevator ringed a little noise. “Calm down”

“I’m calm” I mumbled. “I don’t know what to expect, that’s all”

“She’s 20 years old, Gavin” He let out. “Yet again, she’s the CEO of CyberLife and the daughter of Levón Blumstein, I don’t know what to expect either”

“Let the show begin”

The door opened and the view of the big glass walls were hypnotizing at first sight. The snow falling on it could give you the feeling of being floating in the sky. Nines looked around, with his LED turning yellow-orange, looking for Alyssa. Apart from the great view, I noticed something else that might be disturbing. “Everyone here is an android” I let out, looking around and seeing how, chefs, waitress, cleaning staff, everyone there had LED’s, and everyone there could be at the mercy of whoever created the chip. Not the brightest idea to be eating with a suspect.

“Don’t worry” He said, looking at me smiling. “I can destroy them all, surely” That’s reassuring.

“Detective Gavin and Detective Nines” We heard, popping our bubble, a young lady approaching us. “I’m so sorry! I thought I was on time and got distracted with work… I’m really sorry”

“Miss Alyssa?” I asked, completely bewildered due to her aspect.

“Yes! That is me” She looked _so young_ and with the same hipster look as Kamski. “Detective Gavin it’s so good to see you alive and I’m so sorry to be late to this meeting, even though I arranged it… I feel so stupid…”

  
“It’s fine! It’s fine…” Why do I feel so guilty? “We’re okay, we were… talking and we really didn’t notice your delay at all” She smiled and laughed of nervousness, trying to make us feel comfortable, I supposed.

“Shall we start eating?” She asked and I nodded, clueless of everything. Her looks weren’t exactly as this evil monster who would want to control androids at her will. Being honest, I couldn’t picture her as aggressive at all. Similar to Tina, she was thin and little. With blue eyes and blond hair, she looked extremely _friendly._

We sat down on the table, Nines by my side and Alyssa in front of us. “Please choose what you like, I already know what I’ll eat” She said, not even looking at the little menu the waitress gave us. “I’ll have pancakes and a big cup of coffee please, add strawberries if you have” She looked extremely comfortable, like a friend talking to another. “What about you Detective?” She asked me, and I went back to the menu, seeing only 3 options of breakfast. Pancakes wasn’t there tho. “I’ll have an omelet with uhm…” I looked for a second at Nines and noticed his LED going yellow and blue really fast. “…mushrooms and a coffee please”

What was wrong?

“Can I call you Gavin?” She asked, and I nodded not really caring much. “Right, you can call me Alyssa too”

“Alright, good” I could tell, I was distraught by the level of friendly vibes this woman had. I had to come back to work, even if it wasn’t my case anymore. Because, like I said, sooner or later, it will catch up to me. “So, Alyssa, what did you want to discuss with me?”

“Oh well…” She sighed and looked down for a moment, wet her lips and looked at me. “It’s a heavy fish, I think we might want to eat first, don’t you think?” I tried not to frown but was impossible. “I really don’t want to upset you before eating Gavin, that’s why you might want to wait a little longer”

“I really don’t mind, I’m used to eating while having bad news going around” Aware of the pain in my face, I couldn’t smile -not that I wanted to- to give her as much confidence she needed to tell me what was happening. “I think I can deal with it, don’t worry”

“If you insist, I will tell you my side of the story” She said. “Because I’m aware the FBI has been investigating me”

“You and your father” Nines interrupted, and she looked at him in silence. “Levón Blumstein”

“Yeah, me and my father” She nodded, putting both of her hands in the table, holding each other tight. “It has been difficult to manage being the CEO of CyberLife after the revolution took place, everyone is extremely critical of everything we produce nowadays, and since we changed the production of androids for other technological devices, a chip might fit in with our creations, but I can assure you, I didn’t create the chip”

Nines could analyze people as well, just like Lara. Although, Nines’ analysis was on the medical side, he could tell when someone’s heart beat was irregular. In comparison of Lara, she could tell the sweat, blood and rate of someone to determine if they’re lying or not.

“Why do you need to tell me this if I’m not part of the case anymore?”

“That’s exactly why I can tell you this” She said, confident. “The FBI has been breathing down my neck, focusing on only me, and my father of course” She shook her head, appearing to be upset. “I understand is necessary for them to prove my innocence first, and the incidents of two days ago didn’t do anything but turn on the fuse” My gaze catch Nines’ expression, he was monotone again. “Me and my father have been trying to create the anti-virus of the chip, for business reasons and to prove our innocence, we didn’t have other choice but that”

“Still, why do you need to prove your innocence to me? I’m no longer part of the people that are breathing down your neck”

“Because, you have something we need to complete the anti-virus once and for all” _Oh._

“I’m guessing it has something to do with my brain” She nodded. “Right”

“Look Gavin, I didn’t want to upset or make you feel like I need to _use_ you, but this chip is far more dangerous than the FBI might think, and I’ll tell you something else” She took a deep breath. “I’m almost certain the government pay the FBI to not only create the chip, but to let it burn more bridges”

“What do you mean?” Nines asked.

“Apart from me and my father, the FBI has even team up with mister Kamski, the original creator of the androids, the one that has your information Gavin, the one who understands it extremely well”

“So, do you” I said, confused. “You also have my information; how else did you create the androids?”

“I didn’t create anything that wasn’t already created” She corrected me. “I don’t have your information, neither does my father, contrary to popular opinion, my father has the betas of the androids since he worked with Elijah Kamski back in 2016, he helped him with everything related to protection and fighting abilities, Kamski however, didn’t want his androids to be just machines to use, he wanted them to be alive and take over the places of humans, who in his words were the “plague of all times”, he wanted them to be conscious of themselves, that’s why he needed you, however…” Pause. “When the president threatened him to arrest him for crimes against humanity he offered to destroy them all”

“And why do you need me?”

“Because what the chip does is submerge the android in an operative phase only, they go back to how they were before, if I can study your brain and decipher how to give them consciousness again, they won’t have to suffer anymore” She looked at Nines, hopeful of something. “This is not the final form of the chip, I’m completely sure the damage being done isn’t over yet, you can tell me; do you remember exactly what you did that night?”

His LED turned red as fast as she ended the question, and struggled to let out any words. “I do remember bits of it, but I can’t remember everything”

“Why do you think you can remember bits of it?” Nines looked at me and stared at my face, especially the bandages. “Detective?”

“Because it hurts” He said. “I think, I gain a power boost every time I was forced to do something that I didn’t want to do, in the whole process, I could see the barrier again in my head, and was trying to break free from it”

“How many times did the chip took over you?” I looked at Nines and he frowned, thinking.

“It was only two times, the first one I went into survival mode to protect the team of any danger”

“How was it? What did you see?” I wanted to stop the conversation because Nines was struggling to keep himself calm, but deep down, I wanted to know also what happened inside of his head.

“I was in my simulation, I could see the barrier again, bright red, in front of me, and could hear a male talking to me, giving me orders, I was aware of my will to not obey, but what I saw through my eyes were the machine moving on its own, my body doing as he said” A simulation? “I could hear everyone talking to me, and I could recognize my own voice saying some things that in my head, I was telling to myself, it was completely bizarre”

“Bizarre and painful I believe” He nodded. “I’m really sorry you had to go through that”

“Thank you” He said, not giving more emotions to his response. “What do you need from _us?_ Since Detective Gavin is my partner, I accompany him everywhere miss Alyssa, I hope that’s not a problem”

“Why would it be?” She said, frowning. “I’m aware of that, and I support it, if Gavin has you by his side, then I’m more comfortable sending him faraway”

“What?” Right when I ended my sentence, the waitress came in to serves us the food. I thanked her and she smiled at me, giving Nines a cup of blue _water,_ or something at least similar. “What is that?”

“Porlyum” He whispered, looking at it carefully. “It’s one of the few edible objects that androids can have, it really doesn’t give us anything, but it makes us feel more comfortable in meetings”

“It sure gives you something” Alyssa said, smiling. “You are a machine remember? Machines need to have oil every now and then” Nines couldn’t help but smile, knowing well that didn’t happen with androids.

“So…” I interrupted the tender moment. “What do you mean by sending me away?”

“Here in Alaska, you can’t really help me do anything, the FBI is extremely aware of every move I made, if we want to make progress, they have to keep their noses away from this” She said, taking a sip of her coffee. “Gavin, answer me a few questions, can you?” I nodded. “What happened that lead to the events of that night? What went wrong?”

“They didn’t listen to me” I said, trying not to get mad. “I told them multiple times to do certain things to clear my mind and move forward with the investigation, but they didn’t listen, no one who had the authority to do something listen”

“Why do you think they didn’t listen to you?” The snow falling in the distance managed to calm me down.

“Because they thought they were doing enough”

“Or because, what they were doing was enough to not do anything” Her blue eyes were fierce. The friendly vibes that her smile had disappear in one second, startling me. “They knew this was going to happened, they needed you out of the case”

“Why?”

“Because you are the only thing that’s keeping them from destroying them” She pointed at Nines with her eyes. “Look around, who is human right here?” I noticed that earlier. “Look at them, it will be a matter of time until their true colors show up, androids are a burden to the government, and they need them _out”_

“How am I keeping them from destroying them?” She took another sip to her coffee and looked back at me.

“You’re the only one who can tell anybody what is going to happened”

“How do you know Gavin has such abilities if you claim to not have his information? And, how would the team know of Gavin’s true importance in the case before he confessed to having his abilities?” Nines asked, suddenly. I missed completely that part, now being used to everyone knowing. “They didn’t know about Gavin’s future reading, neither about the relationship between him and Ethan Cheng”

“First things first, Nines” She said, leaving her cup of coffee on the table. “My father helped with androids until 2017, he knew Ethan Cheng and his request to Kamski as well, they were looking for something that could re-create emotions, and Ethan being a neurosurgeon was what lead them to believe that the brain could interpret emotions, like that, they would create a brain for androids, a brain that will surely wake up in time, but!” She smiled at me, tenderly, again. “You Gavin, you were the reason why my father was kicked out of the project, they were about to give up hope on such idea, but when Ethan found you, and he told Kamski, they realize that my father was hindering the progress, so he was out”

“Then how come Levón doesn’t have my information?”

“Because when they discover you, Ethan and Kamski secure you like this miracle they couldn’t _afford to lose,_ and when my father was kicked out, he obviously asked for a reason, and he discovered your face, and name” She was as calm as before, but her face had such energy it paralyzed me. “No one here needs the human who could snitch on them, they wanted to kill you that night, and thanks to Kamski and his big mouth, my father managed to intervene right at time”

“Your father was the one that sent the team of people to rescue us?” She nodded. “How did he know? What do you mean big mouth?”

“Kamski and my father have, still, some fights now and then, Kamski has a big ego and thinks he knows better than anyone else, but he’s scared of my father and what he could do to end his party, he told them about the _destruction of the child of the universe_ at midnight and my father knew tragedy would strike soon _”_

“Is that my nickname?” I let out without thinking.

“Apparently Ethan called you that one time and now it stuck” Nines placed his hand on my leg, trying to gain my attention. I looked back at him and we both were on the same page. “And about your other question, Detective Nines” Another sip of coffee. “Kamski and the government are working together to get rid of androids, who would want, living beings who didn’t come to the world to provide something, but take human’s places in society?” She frowned, sarcastic. “The FBI and any other organization will be corrupted when their status is in danger, anyone would reach for drastic measures to save their own heritage”

Her story made sense, at least to me it did. But we couldn’t forget what Lara said at the beginning, when Kamski asked us to clear him out, he said he didn’t create the chip and Lara told us he wasn’t lying. So, either Lara’s lie detector was flaw, or Kamski was an exceptional liar.

“Why would they get Tina?” I asked out loud, looking at Nines for answers.

“I’m sure that was a decoy” He whispered, looking down to the table. “They wanted to lure you back into Detroit, probably to kill you or kidnap you too”

“Tina?” Alyssa asked, eating a little bit of her pancakes. “Tina Cheng?”

“Ethan’s daughter, yes” Alyssa frowned and left her fork on the table, sighing. “Why?”

“That’s odd” She answered right away, suddenly surprised. “Tina Cheng doesn’t have anything to do with all of this, I’m not sure why would they want her” I nodded, and Nines did so too. “But, if you are like family to Ethan, then Detective Nines is probably right, they wanted to lure you back into Detroit”

“Do you think she’s alive?” Silence. “Or she’s already… dead?”

“I can’t tell” She admitted. “From all I know, Tina’s involvement in the chip was zero, and apart from being your _family_ I’m not sure why would they need her, if anything, she’s more valuable alive than dead, if what they want is lure you”

“Valuable sounds awful” She nodded, agreeing, but didn’t take it back. “But it’s true”

“Then” She began to eat her pancakes, again. “Decide Gavin, if you want them to destroy you and get away with this, go back to Detroit, they will catch you very easily, but…” She stared at Nines and then looked at me. “If you want to live, and desire to protect _androids_ from destroying themselves, then help me”

The hunting never ends.

“We both want the same, Gavin”

And I knew from the start, I couldn’t trust no one.

“You can be a lamb for them, or you can be a hero for us”

I knew now, I wanted to protect him. That’s all.

“Let’s discuss the details, shall we?” I asked. “And I need to see the anti-virus for myself, because by what you said to me just now, what Nines has is just the beta, is not finished, so I can’t be safe around him right now completely”

“Fair enough” She gave me a smile and held her cup of coffee up. “Cheers, my friend”

“Cheers”


	31. Flawless

Something’s off. We can tell. The look of those blue eyes tried to lure me in, they were fierce, tender and dangerously close to my heart. She knew too. I get the feeling that she knew all of my weaknesses. The way she phrased everything, how she said we wanted the same. Nines saw me looking for approbation of his thoughts. If we were in sync, then we could skip the part of trying to convince the other of what we should do next.

The details were simple. We were supposed to meet Levón and the antivirus as soon as possible, we would have a meeting with him, and he would negotiate a contract for both of us to help each other. Nines tagging along, not giving in to leave my side. I would help with the antivirus giving him permission to examinate my brain, and supposedly he would help me search for Tina in return. Since -in this narrative- Levón wanted to create the antivirus for himself and to finish off Kamski’s plans, then Tina would be _my_ request. After that, Alyssa would take us to Canada, to hide me and Nines from the FBI and the government. Considering this was all plotted by them, and they wanted me death, I had to fly off the country and stay hidden.

That, of course, if we consider these people are telling the truth. And that, of course, we know they aren’t.

Lara might had been damaged from before, but her lie detector skills were flawless. That’s why she was in charge in the beginning. Kamski decided to clear himself right at the start, knowing that probably Levón would try to do something like this. I was weirded out from his attitude, but now it made sense. Kamski tried so hard to gain our trust because he knew Levón acted very quickly. He needed me to trust him, but I couldn’t do it until now.

Nines and I had a long talk for hours in our room. He saying how, if Alyssa and Levón were to have an antivirus to fight Kamski, that would mean Levón has some care for androids and view them as living beings, the way Alyssa talked about them made us believe it at least. But, under the logic of the events that Alyssa told us, Levón would hate androids or dislike them at least. They were part of the reason why he was kicked out of the project, because of Kamski’s desire to make them _alive_ , and he wanting them to just be machines.

“Either they hate androids, see them as machines to use and have bias against Kamski’s success, or they care for us and want to take down this villain” He said, sitting down on the bed next to me. “It doesn’t make sense, that Kamski somehow talked with Levón and warned him about your death, so that he could do something about it, why would he do that?”

“If they were fighting so badly that Kamski’s mouth let out some things that he shouldn’t have said, I’m amazed that he acted so intelligently when we were interrogating him and he deduced that the chip might had been controlled manually, and Levón would be able to listen to everything that you were listening too” He nodded. “Kamski is way smarter than that, Levón on the other hand just seems to be an intelligent man when it comes to guns and machines, but he lacks of human understanding and consequences, at least that’s what I’m feeling, Alyssa seems like a puppet right now more than the CEO of CyberLife, she is young, yes, like Kamski was when he created CyberLife—”

“Kamski was 16 when he created CyberLife” He corrected me. “Alyssa is 20”

“Look, it may have anything to do with their age but, Alyssa talking to us and asking us her father’s favor, it just seems that Levón couldn’t get here because he’s hiding, and Alyssa is a suspect, yes, but she has more chances to appear in the public eye due to her position”

“Hiding in Canada?” He asked me, and I nodded. Deducing it by the whole plan.

“She said Levón’s laboratory is in Canada” I mumbled, laying down in bed, covering my face with my hands. “And since we wanted to see the antivirus, we had to go there… almost excusing her father’s absent”

“It may look like it as well, yes” We both shared the same feeling.

“He can’t transport something like that so carefreely, I can understand that” He lay down with me as well. “Even if they are lying, everything they say make sense”

“I know” He said. “They think we don’t know what Kamski said to us probably” Sighing, I turned my back on him and hide my face on the bed. “Are you ok?”

“I’m confused and overwhelmed, I suppose” These narratives made sense. That’s what upset me the most. Even if Kamski and Lara did things that clear one path, when it comes to Levón and Allyssa there’s so little we know. Their personas were already made for other people, we never got the chance to know them really. To have a first real impression. Did I have bias for them right at the start? Am I blinding myself because it’s too hard to believe Lara was wrong?

“Do you think Tina is alive?” I looked at him but he didn’t answer. He was lost looking at the ceiling and giving it thought. “Or do you think she…?”

“Levón has Ethan, I’m completely sure about it” He interrupted me, turning back at me. “If he has Ethan hostage to get something from him, I’m sure he will try to get something from Tina too”

“Tina doesn’t have anything to do with it” He shook his head and reached for my hair, caressing it carefully.

“Just like Alyssa said, she is your family” I heard him whispering. “If Levón needs you, he will get you no matter what he has to do, he already killed a lot of people with a bomb, and who knows what else he has done” I sat down and moved my leg onto the bed carefully. Something clicked right at the end of that sentence. “Can’t you search him in the database? What does it say about him?” I asked, hopeful.

“Yeah…” Suddenly, his expression changed. “About that, I’ve been having problems with some functions ever since I woke up in the laboratory of CyberLife, the facial recognition, geographical ubication, access to the database, it seems to be corrupted” The way he didn’t open his lips enough for me to hear him clearly made me realize he felt guilty, or even worse, useless. He sat down on the bed and I reached for his hand, holding it tight, he embracing me back as well. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you before because we were dealing with other things”

“I’m sorry” I mumbled, trying to make eye contact with him. “I’m sorry that… this piece of shit did this to you” He tried to shake his head in denial, but gave in to the frustrating feeling. Hiding his face on my shoulder, I could feel all the anger and despair that he tried to hide from me this entire time.

“I’m not useless, but now I feel like I can’t protect you enough” He stepped back and looked at me, again, the bandages on my face. Looking down to the bed, he closed his eyes making his LED go orange. “I want to play along with Alyssa and Levón to protect you and Officer Cheng, but knowing that they stole something from me, and make me harm you it… it’s such an intense feeling it’s hard to keep it hidden”

“You’re so strong, Nines” I reassured him. “We have to play along if we want to get out of here, the antivirus more likely isn’t real but Levón surely has enough information of the chip for us to create one, at least Kamski can” He nodded and went back to lay down in the bed. “We have to get in without suspicion, and for that, we have to play pretend”

“I’ll try not to show enough emotions around them, I feel like controlling my anger will be the most daring obstacle in this” Even if he says that, Nines has been as calm as always. I barely could notice any frustration back then, only now that he has given in and says it straight forward.

“I don’t think so” He frowned but I didn’t hesitate. “You’re way more resilient than you think”

“Thank you”

He stood up and helped me put my leg on the bed, straight enough for me to lay down properly. I saw his LED turning yellow and orange, then going back to blue. He was distressed, and something was wrong. Apart from the whole case we were involved in, he losing some of his functions was extremely upsetting for him. I couldn’t blame him, or judge him. I knew saying “You’re more than enough for anyone” would be useless. He didn’t feel enough for himself. How on earth could I prove him wrong? If for me he’s amazing. The danger of living may be necessary for him to remember, that when the time comes, his true nature shows up. He’s a resilient, strong and determined man. Android. Nines.

“You know…” I said, while he unpacked the clothes given to me on the backpack, leaving them on an empty closet. “When you told me you liked me, I thought for sure you were confusing gratitude and overwhelming feelings for love”

I saw his gaze catch me and frown a little bit. Out of nowhere, I know, it may be odd for him to listen this right now, but it may be the only thing that I know for a fact, could help. “I know…” He said, continuing unpacking the clothes. “What’s that for? Feeling nostalgic?”

“Not exactly nostalgic of me rejecting you” He rolled his eyes and let out a weak laugh. “But more… aware of your actions and your thoughts” He closed the closet and approached me, sitting down next to me. Making me slightly nervous. “You fell… in love with the things I did rather than what I said, because back then, our relationship was based on sarcasm and one or two nice things”

“Sarcasm has never left you” Well, that’s true. “But I don’t dislike it”

“What I’m saying is…” He looked at me, expecting something. “You see the true colors of people no matter who they are, even if you were jealous of Tina, you always praised her discipline and good will to help everyone else, even George! You didn’t know him that well, but when you found out he was the only Detective who didn’t quit being my partner you praised his determination as well, that made me feel… at ease with you”

“Not the fact that when you saw me you literally droll all over the place?” I got to push him slightly away and he laughed with no hesitation. “I’m sorry, go on”

“That night” I continued, trying to not lose inspiration in my speech. “I broke your heart, and I’m really sorry” _Come on Gavin, keep it together, don’t look away._ “I know I was insensitive, and the fact that I was terrified of what would happen if I got attached to you doesn’t excuse the way I treated you, I should’ve listened to you and come back when you didn’t return to the hotel”

“Gavin, why are you telling me all of this?”

“I want to prove to you, that no matter what comes for you, you never back down” Pause. “That, even If you were in pain, confused, not really knowing what the fuck was wrong with me or you…!” Frowning, waiting for something from me. He was curious of my reactions. “…You never let that destroy you, you waited, willing to fight for what you wanted, for what you loved”

“For who I love” He said. “I know that… I think I do” He looked down, offering one tiny smile. “I will find a way to protect you, to protect us, it doesn’t matter that I don’t have some of my functions anymore, I still have enough to fight”

“You are god damn right” He chuckled like a little kid would do, resting his forehead on mine.

“I always knew you were a man of intense emotions, but those who guided your actions were some thoughts that tried to suffocated them, I never understood why” Those brown eyes, were hypnotizing me. “You’re way stronger than me, I can’t imagine going through the same as you do”

“I can’t imagine going through that twice either” I laughed to not cry. “But inevitable, I will, surely…” Closing my eyes, feeling how my heart beats went at ease. “One day, I will hurt, a lot”

“One day we will hurt more, yes” He nodded, closing his eyes too. “But I’ll be alright if you stay by my side, being alone tends to complicate everything”

“Why?” Curious, I asked. Stepping back a little to see his face.

“I don’t have enough experience to control my emotions, if you are by my side, you can help me understand what is happening, and probably guide me to control me too”

“I’ve never seen you lose control once in all this time” He chuckled again, making me feel, for some reason, innocent. “Oh”

“That night in the hotel? I cried for hours Gavin” _Am I stupid._ “That night when you left me in the dar—”

“Ok!” God dammit. “No need to remind me everything, _Jesus”_

I was the one who asked tho.

“I was just making a point” He said, between giggles. “Connor was right, you tend to be oblivious to your surroundings in the most curious ways”

“Connor say what now?”

“You are so observant and smart when it comes to your job, but when it comes to other people’s actions and reactions you seem to turn on a blind eye” I liked to think that’s not true, but now that I thought about it, the fact that I had been so scared of socializing and empathize with someone may had other effects. “I don’t blame you; I can understand why you are like this”

“Thank you” I said, covering my face with the pillow, laying down in bed again. “You save me from doing a whole fucking monologue again” Even then, I had to ask. “Nines…”

“Uhm?”

“Does Connor… hate me?” Pushing the pillow harder against my face, I tried to suffocate me to death.

“I don’t think he does” He said, moving on the bed to lay down next to me. “Every time he mentioned you, he refers to you as _Detective Gavin,_ and the last time we saw them, you offering to work with him as his partner put on a smile on his face” I took the pillow off my face and turned to see Nines.

“Oh dear” He frowned, making me laugh. “You have a severe problem of jealousy”

“I’m not jealous of Connor” He expressed, almost offended. “I thought it was out of character for you to say something that nice to him, but now I see it was your effort to make peace with him after your insignificant fights and name calling for the past months”

“When you arrived, everything changed” I said, remembering how in the whole department people were mumbling how an android softened _Gavin Reed._ “I used to be extremely quiet, never had friends in there besides Chris, and even then, Chris is kind to everyone, that’s why I don’t consider him a friend”

“That’s such a childish thing to say” I rolled my eyes but continued.

“It wasn’t my fault, everyone was so jealous and stupid over my promotion to Detective, no one wanted to work with me, and even if they did, they quit the job because their dynamic didn’t work out with a _spoiled brat_ like me, at least that’s what they always say”

“And why did they say that?” I looked at the ceiling, giving it thought. “Uhm?”

“I think… I was extremely defensive because everyone treated me like crap, so when it came time to team work with someone, my attitude wasn’t the best, but my job was decent” I whispered, trying not to sound extremely upset. “I always followed their plans, they didn’t work, but that wasn’t my fault, if anything, most of the Detectives ended up saying I messed up everything, denying that their bias for me had something to do with it as well”

“It’s everyone’s fault then, not communicating a single thing made everything harder for you” I nodded. “But that doesn’t answer my question, why did it change when I arrive?”

“First of all, you don’t tell me what to do” He laughed instantly. “What? It’s true”

“Go on…” He said, smiling like an idiot.

“You don’t tell me what to do, and I don’t tell you what to do, I guess is because you see me as an equal part of the team, and I see you as this big and monstrous android who can kick my butt and everyone else’s butt too”

“So, you were scared of me and you softened up?” I took my pillow and throw it to his pretty face, making him laugh again. “Answer me!”

“No!” I said, again. “You respect me, and I respect you, no matter if it’s out of fear, I know you are as valuable as me, and you know I am as valuable as you, we are a team!” Oh god. “That’s why… I felt comfortable working with you and sharing my house with you”

“Was that weird for you?”

“Absolutely” I said. “No one has ever been into my house besides Tina, the first time I saw you in my house, waiting for me to go to work I felt strangely… ok with it, as in… you were my partner and I thought it was natural for us to be together all the time”

“We weren’t together all the time” He said, almost trying to correct me. “I needed to come and find you to start working, you over slept way too much”

“I did yes, but I would never allow someone to just sit down on my dinner table reading a book while I shower and put-on clothes to go to work” I said, trying to make my point. “Your presence didn’t feel like a threat to me in any way, that’s what I’m saying”

“You felt protected around me” He said, and that for some reason made me gasp. “What?”

“You know what? I think that’s it” Was it? “You never tried to ruin my plans or anything, you cooperate with them and help me gather information, the most dangerous places of drug dealing, the ones where I knew I could probably get shot, your attitude and calm demeanor helped me felt safe”

I didn’t notice how cute all of that was if it wasn’t for his face, smiling like a goofy idiot. “Oh my god, don’t make me regret this”

“No, no!” He said, trying to contain his laughter. “I just think… it’s really amazing to see your reactions to everything I do” I looked away and felt his hand reaching for mine, again. “It may have something to do with your love at first sight”

“I didn’t love you at first sight” He giggled and shook his head. “It’s true!”

“I think it isn’t” I rolled my eyes and he couldn’t help himself. Laughing like that, something in my heart made me feel warm enough to forget the pain of being in the position that I was right now.

The safety of the people that I love, the loss of the friend that I knew. Everything was destroyed. Everything could tear me apart if I let it. But Nines’ presence was strong enough to make me realize, that inside my heart, deep down in my soul, the warmness of love will never leave my side. The will of keep going was feeding itself with it.

“I didn’t droll when I saw you”

“Do you know that human’s pupils tend to expand when they see someone they love? Or when they feel excited about something? When you saw me, your pupils… they screamed _you are handsome_ to me”

“That’s not love” I didn’t deny it, but I didn’t admit it either. “I thought and still think you are extremely…” Shyness right now? Are you serious? “Handsome, and…”

“You nervous little guy?” I tried to punch his pretty face but was stopped by his hand. He giggled in response. “You are”

“I’m not used to say romantic bullshit that’s all”

The timing was atrocious. I could picture a million things instead of this. Going back to Detroit, trying to contact Kamski, confronting Alyssa. But instead of all of that, I was doing this. Lying in bed with my lover, chatting over our feelings and trying to distract ourselves from reality. We both knew, this situation was a disaster. We didn’t forget, the pain of losing Lara was enough for my heart to drop. The pain of not knowing whenever Tina was alright or not could tar me apart. But we couldn’t lose ourselves on that, we needed to move on, and the plan right now was playing along. If they wanted us to be their friends, we would be their friends. If they wanted us to stay together in a room until new orders, we would do just that.

If you don’t know your enemies more than they know you, you have to start looking at their actions more carefully. Why are they doing this? Why do they plan on winning with this? Maybe then, they will slip out, and one fake step could ruin the whole charade.

The day was the most normal day until now. Talking with Nines on the bed, Milos knocking on the door to bring me food, and doctor Marie coming in to check on my leg and face. Nines’ presence and dynamic made it all look easier.

When the night came, he lay down next to me and didn’t close his eyes until I fell asleep. Mumbling some things, he told me about his dreams. About what he wanted to do when all of this was over and we could move in together. He loved art, especially music, he wanted to play the piano and hopefully write a book too. Telling me how, the first time he listened to music was a “beautiful piano cover” of a country song. He was amazed by the sounds and felt his heart shrunk. “You are such a hopeless romantic” I remember saying, with my eyes closed, and his arms around my body, embracing me tight.

Discussing how his temperature could change as his will, he said how ever since he realized he was in love with me, he had problems controlling his temperature going up every time I was near him. “That’s why I thought you were a heating” I said, losing consciousness.

The way he hugged me made me felt like… he was trying to prevent me from breaking down. He was trying so hard to make me feel at peace and not remember the whole storm that we just went through. I was worried, still. If he was forcing himself to swallow the pain to keep me safe. I managed to kiss him, with my eyes closed so I wouldn’t blush, and whispered.

“Thank you”

And then I fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you have a good day, we'll see each other soon!


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